Suicidal ideation: I was close to ending it all due to BPDx

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I know this is a tough topic and while there is some anonymity to who we are I know very few individuals like to discuss or even admit that they contemplated suicide or ending themselves especially for someone that treated us so badly, likely used us and demeaned our self esteem. I did 4 recycles and did ok after first separation. The second time I thought about ending it all because I felt like such a failure, but thought went away. She had convinced me it was my fault. The 3rd time I was very angry, mostly at myself and fell into deep depression.

This last time, it was just too much because so many promises were made if I came back, the lies were at their worst and her cheating was blatant and out of control. I felt like such a loser for falling into the very same trap. I had had surgery about a year ago and it wasnt really bad on the pain issue. I still had a liitle over 40 pain pills and I had been drinking which by the way is a terrible idea if you're trying to stay in N/C.  3-4 days after I was dumped I took about 10 pain meds, was then going to take the rest after about an hour so I wouldnt puke, but fortunately I just passed out and slept it off a good 12 hours.

The following day when I woke up alive it all hit me! I realized just how toxic this person was to my psyche and spirit. Could have turned out differently, but each day that passes into N/C I realize how badly I need to stay away from my former xBPD. Hope this horror helps someone else out there.

[dagwoodbowser]

I know this is a tough topic and while there is some anonymity to who we are I know very few individuals like to discuss or even admit that they contemplated suicide or ending themselves especially for someone that treated us so badly, likely used us and demeaned our self esteem. I did 4 recycles and did ok after first separation. The second time I thought about ending it all because I felt like such a failure, but thought went away. She had convinced me it was my fault. The 3rd time I was very angry, mostly at myself and fell into deep depression.

This last time, it was just too much because so many promises were made if I came back, the lies were at their worst and her cheating was blatant and out of control. I felt like such a loser for falling into the very same trap. I had had surgery about a year ago and it wasnt really bad on the pain issue. I still had a liitle over 40 pain pills and I had been drinking which by the way is a terrible idea if you're trying to stay in N/C.  3-4 days after I was dumped I took about 10 pain meds, was then going to take the rest after about an hour so I wouldnt puke, but fortunately I just passed out and slept it off a good 12 hours.

The following day when I woke up alive it all hit me! I realized just how toxic this person was to my psyche and spirit. Could have turned out differently, but each day that passes into N/C I realize how badly I need to stay away from my former xBPD. Hope this horror helps someone else out there.

[Wood stock]

Thank you for sharing your story... .I have actually thought about the "lesson" my ex might learn if I were injured or killed in an accident... .it's because we try EVERYTHING to get them to wake the hell up... .but there comes a point that we have to realize that "lightbulb" moment isn't going to happen for the BPD person. And if it does come on, believe me, it is short lived--Usually just to get back "in." They typically resort right back to the name calling and blaming before they actually get serious about therapy or learning about the disorder... .

[4Years5Months]

I have had those same thoughts, Wood Stock.  I've never thought of taking my own life, because I have a daughter who is more valuable than my ex, or any other person.  But believe me, I have thought about if I were to suddenly die or become injured, one of our mutual friends would likely post about it on Facebook... .what would be my ex's reaction?  Right now, I would say she would be very distraught.  She pushed me away because she felt that she had to, not because she wanted to.  Even though I see her with my replacement, acting like the world is perfect, I wonder if she thinks of me... .

[StarOfTheSea]

Dagwood, I think your guardian angel was on high alert that day. Thanks for sharing your difficult story.

The last time I saw/spoke to my exBPDbf was about a week before what would have been my due date. (We lost our baby at two months.) I was distraught after I left him that day and wanted to end things so I could be with our son. I felt like he had lost nothing: he still had a place to live and he had his daughter. I was staying in a motel and I'll never see my son. I remember driving and going through the plan in my mind: driving far up north, taking the pills, what I'd leave in a note for my family. Then I thought "No, I need to be stronger than that for my son. He needs to see his mom be strong. He needs to always know that one of his parents down here love him."

[DyingLove]

I know this is a tough topic and while there is some anonymity to who we are I know very few individuals like to discuss or even admit that they contemplated suicide or ending themselves especially for someone that treated us so badly, likely used us and demeaned our self esteem. I did 4 recycles and did ok after first separation. The second time I thought about ending it all because I felt like such a failure, but thought went away. She had convinced me it was my fault. The 3rd time I was very angry, mostly at myself and fell into deep depression.

This last time, it was just too much because so many promises were made if I came back, the lies were at their worst and her cheating was blatant and out of control. I felt like such a loser for falling into the very same trap. I had had surgery about a year ago and it wasnt really bad on the pain issue. I still had a liitle over 40 pain pills and I had been drinking which by the way is a terrible idea if you're trying to stay in N/C.  3-4 days after I was dumped I took about 10 pain meds, was then going to take the rest after about an hour so I wouldnt puke, but fortunately I just passed out and slept it off a good 12 hours.

The following day when I woke up alive it all hit me! I realized just how toxic this person was to my psyche and spirit. Could have turned out differently, but each day that passes into N/C I realize how badly I need to stay away from my former xBPD. Hope this horror helps someone else out there.

Kudos to you Dagwood, and for two reasons. It took guts to jump out and mention the S word. Also the fact that you are still here to talk about it, to make somebody better because of the harshness you've gone through, and to allow us to respond to you by still being here. Kudos to you.

Would I be lying if I said that most people probably fought about it or entertained the idea without following through and also without mentioning it out loud? I thought about it. I thought about it many times. I thought about it mainly because of the emptiness that I was left with by this cruel heartless woman. The more I try to make sense of it the less sense any of it makes. The more I look back at the things that I did that made me feel shame and just all out horrible, the more I find reasons that make me believe how badly I was triggered by her.

I tried to sum it up by saying how she didn't deserve me and God took me away from her. And sometimes it's almost like deliberately speaking something that's a lie that I don't want to believe. But she left me with so much emptiness that I didn't know what was going to come of me. So yes I thought of the S word also several times over. At this point I'm sure she doesn't give a crap about anything anymore than she did before, and here I sit like a stooge thinking that I contemplated ending God's greatest gift over such a worthless situation. I still can't believe I ruminate as much as I do. I've got people around me now that believe in me. They remember me, they know my name and they don't turn their face on me just because I look like hell.

So yes Dagwood, kudos to you sir.

[Inside]

Dagwoodbowser, you are far from alone…  I’d read somewhere that if you’re down in life, for any reason, a r/s with a pwBPD can be deadly.  I’d felt battered, after a near 3 decade marriage had ended, then scrambling to find employment to care for the children that were left with me… to eventually losing a century family farm...   It’s been real dark…

Had it not been for those kids, I might not be writing this... .  Some loss is expected, most is at least tolerable, but compound that with the emotional gauntlet of a BPD r/s and it’s death defying (the BPgf came after the long term wife/ divorce)

... .there’s an obscure road I’d pass on my way to work, and I packed a gun.  ‘That’ would have been my place, rural, but within cell tower range to alert (and apologize) to the authorities.  Two days ago I nearly drove up that road for the first time, out of curiosity.  I didn’t - cuz I’ve too much to do! 

So I’m a year out from BP breakup, selling the farm, and had quit my job - but my girls are in college, close to their dad, Spring’s here and I’m ready to move on... .   

Life can be a lot more than Hell, though it seems we occasionally have to go through hell to get back to life... .  I’d have felt justified in taking my life, though would have stolen from my daughters their only ‘sane’ parent.  Few could help, all tried, and none would have been surprised at me giving up.  It hurts me deeply to learn of those having taken their lives … and, I very much appreciate those willing to described their feelings on the subject.  Thank you ... .you’ve helped.

PS, I often respond after reading the first post, then read the responses.  Otherwise - I’d be even further afield

[Mister Brightside]

Hi Dagwood. I'm glad someone was watching out for you before you were able to complete your plans. Out of curiosity, how long have you been no contact now?

I've struggled with similar thoughts. The idealization stage was the happiest I've been in a very, very long time, and being that only occurred three or four months ago, it's still very fresh on my mind. Sometimes I so desperately want to be that happy again (not with the exBPD mind you since realistically I know that will never happen), and it scares me that I'll never be happy again (at about 18 days of no contact).

[dagwoodbowser]

Thank you ALL for the kind words. Most of you understand the pain I was going through. Unfortunately I also suffer from Depression. Oddly, it's been a long time since I had any episodes but the last recycle really through me into a tailspin. What hurt the most was that every single time her world crumbled or she went bonkers I was able to soothe her... talk her down, massage her and then hold her as she cried away and then chilled. I always had to be the strong one. Do to her attention requirements friends and family got pushed to the side. Her antics were getting to me and I knew the other shoe was going to be dropping soon. I feel into depression and then bad timing as it is she drops me on my head. I had no one to turn to as she had painted me black and I knew she wasnt going to be there. That realization, the betrayal, the emptiness was too much.

I'm actually at day 25 of N/C. 30 Will be a big deal for me because while I was always able to maintain contact on my end she would contact me around day 20 or so and then go into the "Your my Rock, your the only one that understands me, blah, blah... and there I would go. This time I blocked her number from texts and calls and set up email to go to trash so there's no access to her manipulations and bag of tricks. I dont know if I will survive another recycle. Thanks again for hearing me out

[Hopeless777]

I'm embarrassed to say that it was a close call for me. A 29+ year marriage down the tubes. Two kids. Two grandkids. Two dogs. Two houses. And now I live with my mom, God bless her soul. My dBPDw has been dragging me through the courts on a scorched earth maneuver. On the evening of my deposition, having to sit across the table from my beautiful bride, I went "home" and sat down in a corner with my Glock in my lap. I was ready to leave this hell. I just couldn't go on. I was on two antidepressants, an anti anxiety, and sleeping pills. I lost it all so why not conclude the matter. But I swear I heard a voice say "Stop. Humble yourself and I will be with you!" I'm a changed person after that. Lots of days are still bad... .but I have hope to try to rebuild, with God beside me.

[dagwoodbowser]

I'm embarrassed to say that it was a close call for me. A 29+ year marriage down the tubes. Two kids. Two grandkids. Two dogs. Two houses. And now I live with my mom, God bless her soul. My dBPDw has been dragging me through the courts on a scorched earth maneuver. On the evening of my deposition, having to sit across the table from my beautiful bride, I went "home" and sat down in a corner with my Glock in my lap. I was ready to leave this hell.

Hopeless777, you shouldnt be embarrassed. I posted this topic for a reason. That other's may see the incredible "toxic power" that someone can have over you if you chose to play on their terms and not set hard-line boundaries with BPD's if you chose to stay. They are 4 yr olds in an adult body and they can over power you.

After going to Easter service this last sunday I heard a great message about Hope. Part of the big 3, Love, Faith and Hope. While the first two are important, Hope is what gives us all that inner motivation to move forward and wake up on a new day. Sometimes due to circumstances or other people that Hope is hosed down and zapped. I bet all my chips on her and lost. A fleeting fantasy that will never be and that day I lost Hope.

I prayed and asked for forgiveness for what I had done as well as a special prayer for my xBPD. I wish I could help her, but she will never be able to help me or give me what I want. I have to release her, let her go. I did all I could for her and it nearly destroyed me.

[Invictus01]

Yeah, the first few weeks out, when it felt like I literally lost a half of myself, I won't lie, THAT thought crossed my mind too. Of course, I was probably certifiably insane over that period of time because the thought of ordering a hit on her crossed my mind as well. And I am not even kidding... .THAT is coming from a guy who feels bad about killing a freakin' bug... . Anyway, I am glad that we all had enough mental strength inside to fight off this. After all, very few things in this life are worth this and the fake BPD love sure isn't one of them.

[mitatsu]

One month before i walked out on her she pushed and pushed until i felt like 'ending it all' i saw no other hope or way out... .they grind you down that much in the de-value stage

[emancipated]

Hello my friend...

I will join u in sharing my story. My story is very familiar to

Everyone on here. I have every childhood template for

Falling for these people. When I drove from our town I

Knew in my heart we wouldn't be a couple again my heart

Ached and wouldn't stop if my beloved puppy wasn't with

Me I would have likely ran my car off the road. It took

Everything I could to stay the course. Then finding the

Replacement and then shortly after her leaving me I had

Emergency gall bladder removal surgery and almost died

From blood loss. What went from being a week out of the

Gym went to 9 weeks out of the gym and it got to the point

I defied doctors order and went back and started my

Workout regimen again because all I could think about

Was my life was over. Her and the kids meant the world to

Me. I agonized about why didn't God end it mercifully let

Me die on that operating table instead letting me live with

This insurmountable pain and taking my only means for

Dealing with stress which was the gym. Days were spent

Blaming myself and for what happened. It's been 10

Months and whenever I have a bad day I think about her

Being happy with this financially secure much older man

And I get depressed again. It has gotten easier but life

Remains the same. I miss her and the kids but with every

Thing I've learned since the breakup about her I know I

Couldn't go back. I've battled depression and self worth

Issues my whole life and this definitely sealed it. Although

I'm mostly recovered I'm not the person I was before the

Relationship. I don't watch the same shows I don't go to

The same places .I just wanted to let u know I've been there

My friend. I don't know if this new guy will suffer the same

Fate, I don't really care I would like to have the feeling I had

Back. I want to be in love again I don't meet people easily

And living in a new place has made it more difficult. I would

Like to talk to her again but not to reconcile I think it would

Be a good test. 10 months I'm better than I was but its been

A long difficult journey and I don't know if I'll ever be me

Again

[Infared]

Dagwood, I came very close to taking my own life as well... .So you are not alone and I believe it is good to talk about that in a safe place than to keep it bottled up inside.    Our situations are different... .mine deceived, betrayed and abandoned me and ran off with new supply and although approached, and taunted I never considered a recycle while she was with this other... .I was in soo much pain, but I would not allow my self to be part of a Karpmann Triangle... .If I had I think that I would have killed myself.  ... .but that abrupt no contact and the lies, abuse and cruelty just about put me over the edge. I also think my deep codependency at that time and the razor-knife cut off by her initially and all of the lies just took me down into a hole emotionally that I have never been in before.

The commonality we have is that we both had an attachment and a neediness to a very unhealthy person and we eventually realize that no amount of love, patience or understanding is going to change the final outcome and on top of that we have to protect ourselves from them as they will always attempt interacting with us. It's a twisted place to be. We have to create our own closure.

I had to go absolute NC and get lots of support to get to a place of balance once again. Sounds like you are doing the same and moving away from the worst part of this. I wish you strength on you journey.  It does get better if we stay away from that unhealthy interaction and work on the things in ourselves that create the want or need to go back there.

[dobie]

Dagwood I feel you believe me I've thought about it daily but I could never do it the affect on those who love me would be devastating not to mention I believe suicide to be a mortal sin so feel if I did I would only be stopping a temporal pain for an everlasting one

Try and talk to people when you feel like this or ring a helpline there is no shame in how you feel after what our xs have done to us but try and remember

"This too shall pass" nothing is forever not even the pain your in now

Take care of yourself buddy  

[Vatz]

I've had my suicidal thoughts too, Dagwood. Sometimes it all just seems so hopeless.

I do have one coping mechanism. Which so far has worked for me. But I may get some flak for it as it's rather unsavory.

See, whenever I thought of killing myself there was one thought or series of thoughts that would stop me. "If I die, they win." But it went further. I always figured, if I was gonna go-i'd take them with me. I'd take the jail time and on the day of my execution I'd shiv the guards to death, I wouldn't let them put me to sleep like some dog- I'd give the world a fight it  won't soon forget. I'd rage and take the smug look off the faces of the ___ who think they're carrying out justice. I'd replace their smug superiority with total fear before ending it all for them. Why? Because ___ it that's why, let the whole world burn.

I think sometimes that if life gets depressing and I never manage to do the things I want, there's always the option to go to some third world country and hunt down all the ___ that make life hard for everyone there. Mounting some warlord's head on my wall after torturing him as he no doubt tortured others. Something satisfying about the thought of sitting on a throne atop a mountain of skulls.

Suddenly... .I don't want to kill myself. I find my resolve and think "I'm not ready to do all those things" and then I see that things aren't all that bad. Im hurting but I'm not at the point of going out and stabbing people-im not at that point where my anger and depression is compelling me to cause harm.

I've only told my therapist about this. I'm not ashamed of my thoughts, but I guess the nature of such thoughts make me a tad nervous about sharing them. Wouldn't want to alert the "thought police."

[Deeno02]

Dag,

Ditto. After a failed 18 year marriage, 26 years in the Navy in a bunch of warzones and then finally, I thought I had found my savior in this woman. Not so much. It was 16 months of verbal(ever so subtle), emotional and mental abuse that I was in for. Finally, she dumped me and I snapped. No closure, a bunch of made up excuses from her and, a week later, shes with an old college buddy. 1 week. I felt worthless(still do, but working that issue), unwanted and her words rang in my ears : Your unlovable, Incapable of love, emotionless. It was the final straw. I had nothing left. I was nothing to anyone. I lost a woman I was very much in love with and was set to propose to her. I was willing to take on her and her 5 kids as well as my 2, but I was discarded. I wrote a note on my iPad and looked at a suitable weapon to use. I was going to use a .22 as it wouldnt be messy when my kids found me. But I woke up. I was being selfish. My kids are the most valuable thing to me so how can I just up and do this over someone who is just so incapable of being human. I fought back, found help through my T and a Psych who put me on medication for the depression and Im doing so much better. She is not worth it. While I battle my self esteem issues and self worth, Im alive to do so. And yes, it pains me to see her at my sons sporting events, I know its so much better than the alternative. Im choosing to live.

[CloseToFreedom]

When I was out 1,5 months or so, I made a topic here about suicide. I was thinking about it all day, every day. I was really at my lowest point. There's no shame in talking about it here, we're here to help.

I can't tell you how to get rid of the feelings, all I can tell you is seek help. I did that. I went into therapy and got anti-depressives and I can honestly say that I never think about suicide anymore.

There is NO shame in getting help. Get help. You only have one life and it may seem like everything is lost right now, but there's still so much joy to be had once you get out of this dark place. Death is final, there's no coming back from it. And I can assure you, well, for 99,9999%, that you will beat these feelings and have a happy, fulfilling life ahead of you.

[DyingLove]

I've had my suicidal thoughts too, Dagwood. Sometimes it all just seems so hopeless.

I do have one coping mechanism. Which so far has worked for me. But I may get some flak for it as it's rather unsavory.

See, whenever I thought of killing myself there was one thought or series of thoughts that would stop me. "If I die, they win." But it went further. I always figured, if I was gonna go-i'd take them with me. I'd take the jail time and on the day of my execution I'd shiv the guards to death, I wouldn't let them put me to sleep like some dog- I'd give the world a fight it  won't soon forget. I'd rage and take the smug look off the faces of the ___ who think they're carrying out justice. I'd replace their smug superiority with total fear before ending it all for them. Why? Because ___ it that's why, let the whole world burn.

I think sometimes that if life gets depressing and I never manage to do the things I want, there's always the option to go to some third world country and hunt down all the ___ that make life hard for everyone there. Mounting some warlord's head on my wall after torturing him as he no doubt tortured others. Something satisfying about the thought of sitting on a throne atop a mountain of skulls.

Suddenly... .I don't want to kill myself. I find my resolve and think "I'm not ready to do all those things" and then I see that things aren't all that bad. Im hurting but I'm not at the point of going out and stabbing people-im not at that point where my anger and depression is compelling me to cause harm.

I've only told my therapist about this. I'm not ashamed of my thoughts, but I guess the nature of such thoughts make me a tad nervous about sharing them. Wouldn't want to alert the "thought police."

I like it...   I'd be a liar (again) if I tried to say I didn't think of retalliation.  I WANT HER TO SUFFER WORSE THAN ME!  But my newly re-established relationship with God demands that all my old ways of thinking be disolved to dust. And after I get over the sadness/anger/bewilderment, I don't wish harm or bad to anyone anyway.  I don't wanna kill myself, I just want that "putty" that fills all the gaps and cracks in my life right now.  I wanna sit and BLAB to someone for an hour or two and have them listen and understand me.  I want it to phase off because I'm so tired of thinking about such BS.  She doesn't care: WHY SHOULD I.  Why can't I turn it off.  I know I'm on the way to healing... .slowly... .but I'm not taking my life.

[parisian]

Hopeless777, you shouldnt be embarrassed. I posted this topic for a reason. That other's may see the incredible "toxic power" that someone can have over you if you chose to play on their terms and not set hard-line boundaries with BPD's if you chose to stay. They are 4 yr olds in an adult body and they can over power you.

Hope is what gives us all that inner motivation to move forward and wake up on a new day. Sometimes due to circumstances or other people that Hope is hosed down and zapped. I bet all my chips on her and lost. A fleeting fantasy that will never be and that day I lost Hope.

Dagwood, thank you so much for bravely raising this topic. This was triggering for me so I felt like I needed to tell my situation also. 7 months ago I was having an extremely difficult time at work, as well as struggling with a 2 year r/s with my (now ex) BPDgf. I lost touch with my friends because my ex would get drunk and aggressive with them, so stopped doing things that involved her and my friends.  My grandmother had also died a few months earlier.

There was no empathy from my ex for any of the work situation. It was quickly dismissed by her as I should just get over it and move on. There was no empathy on the death of my grandmother. Sure, she said sorry and gave me a hug. And then got angry at me over something minor and stupid the day she died. My ex was aggressively arguing with me, belittling me, generally being disrespectful (like telling me she'd be home in half an hour and then not hearing from her for 6 hours when she was out drinking one night), raging at me. I remember crying one day we went out for lunch. She asked me what was wrong and I couldn't answer. I didn't know. I just had a terrible, terrible sadness and cried the whole morning. She sat through lunch and said nothing to me. Not a thing. There was no affection towards me whatsoever. No care nor love nor concern that as her partner, I was terribly sad and upset over something I couldn't explain.

I had no emotional relief from the situation at home or at work. I was a wreck. And one night I realized just before I was due to catch up with her, how the horrible knot in my gut was now a constant part of life and I knew I had to end the r/s. You don't feel anxious or nervous when you're catching up with someone who loves you - you're supposed to feel happy about seeing them and looking forward to that. There was no happiness inside me - only pain and hurt and distress. I broke it off.

I then went through what most people on these boards do when these relationships end. The most awful depths of despair. The breaking of the trauma bond. The dealing with getting over an awful addiction. The incomprehensible reality of being emotionally abused by someone who was supposed to love me. And at the same time had a joint friend also say some pretty mean things to me. It was the most disturbing and traumatic experience I've ever gone through in my entire life.

This is an odd analogy I realise, but I felt like I was in some bizzare psychology experiment where I was a tiny baby monkey that had been deliberately taken away from its mother and locked up in a stainless steel cage, and thrown a small piece of flannel to hold tightly to ocassionally, and every now and then, someone would take the flannel out, and laugh at me. Or else another monkey is put into the cage for me to hug for a very short time and then removed, or I'm told a monkey will be put in and then isn't, or they just wheel another one past the cage for me to see, and the whole experiment is being filmed to see how long it takes until the baby monkey dies from loneliness and sadness. I had what felt like months where I could only just hold out minute by minute. I got to that very very dark space where I couldn't stand the pain and hurt and upset any longer. I just wanted it to end and actively looked for a way to do that. I had no idea who I was anymore and I was left as a traumatised, broken shell of a person. It was only the very strong support, understanding, love and kindness I got from a long-time friend that got me through all that and I am forever grateful for that.

And now of course she has completely moved on with my replacement, just four months later and the replacement has no idea what she is in for.

This is a difficult topic but I am glad it was raised. I hope that other people understand what it is they are truly getting into in these relationships. My ex knew she had this disorder and didn't tell me. It's the same for my replacement. I only hope she is a much stronger person than I and will be able to cope with and recover much easier when the crash comes, and sadly it will.

I'm much better than I was. I saw a T for 12 months. I'm spending time with friends doing things I love again. But she broke me and I will never be the same person I was before. My happy naivety was smashed.

[dagwoodbowser]

2. You are not helping the pwBPD -- First, a pwBPD is often at his/her absolute worst in the context of a close relationship.  Such a close bond causes random bouts of anger, extreme anxiety, and a loss of control over one's own impulses.  Sticking around to attempt to help this person -- by, for example, showing that you care -- can ironically cause the pwBPD to dysregulate further.  The pwBPD might truly be better off without you.  Second, to the extent you feel that a pwBPD's behavior is at all within the pwBPD's control, exiting the relationship might help the pwBPD in the sense of showing the pwBPD "tough love" that will teach the pwBPD that he/she needs to command greater control of his/her behavior.

3. Your pwBPD will drop you; staying only delays the inevitable -- The pwBPD will drop you, abandon you, take off, perhaps quietly or perhaps while regretfully trying to destroy you during states of dysregulation.  This unfortunately is the story over and over again with a pwBPD.  This is what they do.  It could be a week from now, it could be 10 years from now.  There is no amount of love, money, rationality, or bond that will prevent this.  Few things are inevitable or certain in life, but the likelihood of the pwBPD coldly abandoning you when you least expect it -- and at the least convenient time for you -- is remarkably high, more so than perhaps in any other relationship you might have.  Ultimately, all you will be left with is an exhausted body and mind, a broken heart, and a lot of wasted time and money.       

Thank you all for the Cyber Hugs and Support. Right now I cant afford a therapist so this is one of my outlets. I sought out all sorts of sites and so glad I was led here. It's been insightful. While I personally feel much better and I've crawled out of that deep recess of dark depression and self loathing, a part of me still fights off the urges to be with, talk to and communicate with this person that hurt me so badly. I cant say I understand it or why? But given the fact that she almost destroyed me keeps trumping that urge. Close to 30 days N/C and striving for the next 30.

The above quote is from Tim300. It's an older post, but I want to give him credit. Every time I start to think about my BPDx and wanting her back I read this quote. She is better with out me as I know deep somewhere under all that scar tissue of her trauma that she loves me, but it's just too much for her to handle. Also, as my personal experience has proven to myself, she will at some point bail, lie or cheat... again and again. It's a No Win Situation and each day I have to swallow down on that and get radical acceptance of it.

Thank you all again for sharing your pain, regret and letting me know that my weakness was not unique.

[valet]

Even after only a little over two years with my ex, I can say that I definitely had somewhat recurrent thoughts of suicide. She had devalued me and become almost unresponsive to anything that I did or said, no matter how nice or caring I had been. I was deeply hurt, and am so glad now that she dumped me, because it would have only gotten worse, and I wasn't educated or strong enough to leave her, even if it were the best decision for me at the time.

Those thoughts have almost entirely diminished by now, at about 2.5 months out. I feel that I am returning to myself, and that I am not constantly burdened by unmanageable feelings of anxiety.

It sucks, man! I'm glad that you had the strength and courage to look at the big picture when you needed to. When we hit rock bottom like that and our situation changes, we can only go up if we use the tools available to us.

A weird side note: when I was still with my ex, her first boyfriend from early high school died and it absolutely devastated her, even after 8+ years of very low to absolutely no contact between them. This is how deep their fear of abandonment runs, and this is why they behave in such an absolutely unusual manner. I know that if I were to die tomorrow, my ex could very well spiral into a deep darkness. This is something that I would never take pleasure in seeing, and allows me great compassion for her, despite whether or not I am white or black to her now. Having seen her in that state, even after years of separation from that person in her life, was completely eye opening for me, and has helped me immensely in understanding the disorder. At the time I thought it was a bit strange that she still felt so deeply about his existence, but everything is starting to clarify itself. She will never be fully happy on her own, only fleetingly. It is impossible, and when permanent abandonment (such in the case of the death of a past/current loved one) comes, they simply don't know how to cope. The most we can do is to work on ourselves and hope for the absolute best for both parties.