Getting out of fear, obligation, guilt

[Luckyfella]

Hello,

It's been 4 months since the breakup with exBPDgf Waif and I am feeling much better. She tried several times to "work on things" and make me move back to the townhouse we had together. Every attempt ended up her blaming me for everything including giving up after she canceled the wedding one week prior due to her insecurities, stress, fear that i'm just using her or will abandon her after the wedding. She doesn't do well with commitment and stress and it all falls on me with her rages and projections.

My confidence and self-esteem are almost back to normal. This feeling that you can't do anything right in the relationship with all the complaining, the let downs and illogical endless arguments are all gone from my life. It is all about how she feels all the time and this is something she needs to work on and control her mood swings and her erratic emotions.

No contact is the key since I'm dealing with an irrational 3 year old in a 25 year old body. Every attempt to contact her ended me trying to explain my feeling and get closure but it's wasted energy. No matter how I explained things to her she would never get it and would twist words. I just gave up trying and gone NC.

I actually learned a lot about myself through this relationship. I learned that I'm a codependent and stayed in a toxic abusive relationship just to "fix" her. I was so obsessed in figuring her out and making her happy to the point I forgot my own happiness and was going to marry her ignoring all the red flags and abuse. I learned that I need to stop being too nice and for feeling guilty for letting go or setting boundaries. This relationship also taught me that everyone is ultimately responsible for their happiness and feelings. I can add some happiness to a person but there isn't much else I can do. The most effective way to help others become happier is focusing becoming happy ourselves.

Things that helped me is being with positive healthy sane people. Staying NC. Reading others experiences in this website and realizing i'm not the crazy one. "Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior and stop trying to help them." (good read: https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality ).

Also reading a lot about getting out of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). Fearing that you will be single or that you'll be making a big mistake leaving your BPD is actually a million times better than staying in that toxic relationship. Feeling obligated to helping them,  "The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned."  Feeling guilty for your exBPD will drive you crazy especially when you hear a sad/love song. But why feel guilty if they treated us so badly. They probably moved on with a new person while we are still thinking about them. They need to definitely go to therapy, accept responsibility for their actions, apologize and willing to talk to us logically about their issues and what's really bothering them.

Thanks for reading.

[adventurer]

Thanks for sharing your experience.  I am still dealing with the FOG so your perspective on things is very helpful to read.

[wishfulthinking]

Also reading a lot about getting out of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). Fearing that you will be single or that you'll be making a big mistake leaving your BPD is actually a million times better than staying in that toxic relationship. Feeling obligated to helping them,  "The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned."  Feeling guilty for your exBPD will drive you crazy especially when you hear a sad/love song. But why feel guilty if they treated us so badly.

Thank you.  I have to make it through the weekend, but my divorce papers are set to be filed next week and a request to remove him from my house (I've owned for 13 years, he's lived for not quite 2).  I needed this because I'm so very torn right now.  My stomach in knots and wondering if I'm making a huge mistake... .

[Luckyfella]

Thank you.  I have to make it through the weekend, but my divorce papers are set to be filed next week and a request to remove him from my house (I've owned for 13 years, he's lived for not quite 2).  I needed this because I'm so very torn right now.  My stomach in knots and wondering if I'm making a huge mistake... .

Hey wishfulthinking... .If you start recycling with these FOG thoughts, watch Noah Elkrief's videos especially this video:

www.youtu.be/Vzk3EK6-690

It will give you an instant relief and pull you out of FOG 

[Mike-X]

Thanks for posting this! 

[wishfulthinking]

Thanks for the link!  Very informative!  It makes a lot of sense.  Hard to see things that clearly sometimes.

[downwhim]

Hello,

It's been 4 months since the breakup with exBPDgf Waif and I am feeling much better. She tried several times to "work on things" and make me move back to the townhouse we had together. Every attempt ended up her blaming me for everything including giving up after she canceled the wedding one week prior due to her insecurities, stress, fear that i'm just using her or will abandon her after the wedding. She doesn't do well with commitment and stress and it all falls on me with her rages and projections.

My confidence and self-esteem are almost back to normal. This feeling that you can't do anything right in the relationship with all the complaining, the let downs and illogical endless arguments are all gone from my life. It is all about how she feels all the time and this is something she needs to work on and control her mood swings and her erratic emotions.

No contact is the key since I'm dealing with an irrational 3 year old in a 25 year old body. Every attempt to contact her ended me trying to explain my feeling and get closure but it's wasted energy. No matter how I explained things to her she would never get it and would twist words. I just gave up trying and gone NC.

I actually learned a lot about myself through this relationship. I learned that I'm a codependent and stayed in a toxic abusive relationship just to "fix" her. I was so obsessed in figuring her out and making her happy to the point I forgot my own happiness and was going to marry her ignoring all the red flags and abuse. I learned that I need to stop being too nice and for feeling guilty for letting go or setting boundaries. This relationship also taught me that everyone is ultimately responsible for their happiness and feelings. I can add some happiness to a person but there isn't much else I can do. The most effective way to help others become happier is focusing becoming happy ourselves.

Things that helped me is being with positive healthy sane people. Staying NC. Reading others experiences in this website and realizing i'm not the crazy one. "Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior and stop trying to help them." (good read: https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality ).

Also reading a lot about getting out of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). Fearing that you will be single or that you'll be making a big mistake leaving your BPD is actually a million times better than staying in that toxic relationship. Feeling obligated to helping them,  "The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned."  Feeling guilty for your exBPD will drive you crazy especially when you hear a sad/love song. But why feel guilty if they treated us so badly. They probably moved on with a new person while we are still thinking about them. They need to definitely go to therapy, accept responsibility for their actions, apologize and willing to talk to us logically about their issues and what's really bothering them.

Thanks for reading.

Thanks for pointing out so many emotions I have felt. When he broke it off and ended the engagement he said he felt stressed. The projection and the rages then started. It was truly horrible. My stomach was in knots for weeks.

Yes, it would be great if they sought help and could actually rationalize and talk things through with us but what are the chances?

[Luckyfella]

Thanks for pointing out so many emotions I have felt. When he broke it off and ended the engagement he said he felt stressed. The projection and the rages then started. It was truly horrible. My stomach was in knots for weeks.

Yes, it would be great if they sought help and could actually rationalize and talk things through with us but what are the chances?

You are welcomed. Chances are none. My exBPB wanted to work on "us" after canceling the wedding. I actually gave it a chance and guess what? More projections and rages. That's when I had to accept that I will never have a healthy relationship/marriage/kids with her and let her go.

It all comes down to how they can't control their feelings. From my experience this how it went:

• She couldn't handle her strong emotions/love towards me. So she would test the relationship constantly. I get "you always", "you never", "you only" type of statements and I couldn't figure out how to sooth her and make her feel better. I had to be a mind reader. She doesn't trust that I genuinely love her since she doesn't love herself (maybe?).



• She couldn't handle the feeling of being alone. If I go to the gym or hangout with a friend, it was too much for her. If I'm Out of sight then I'm out her mind so she will feel I abandoned her.



• If we get in a small tiny argument, she will feel that I hate her and it goes downhill from there. It's like dealing with a kid. Any couples get into argument but it makes them stronger.



• If she feels stressed, whether it's from work, wedding planning, dealing with her mom, I become her punching bag and I have to absorb it all.

I agree it was the most difficult thing I ever did and I do miss her. Life is too short to deal with all this and I had take care of myself.

P.S. She is undiagnosed and back then I really wanted to know whether she had BPD but at this point it doesn't matter. It was toxic and not normal.