My cluster b father - how to behave around him?

[misty_red]

It’s not new information for me that my father does have many cluster b traits, he’s so narcissistic. No wonder I fell for someone else with a cluster b personality. Ugh.

My father is so unbelievable…

My parents got divorced when I was ten. My mother followed through with the divorce because my father was always so controlling and if he couldn’t control he would rage, shoveling us etc. He was and still is like a ticking time bomb. He always blames everyone else for everything happening and claims him the poor victim of it all. Everyone’s just hoodwinking him, blabla. He’s so impulsive and choleric.

When my parents got divorced I stayed with my mother until I moved to another city due to my following studies. By that time my mother moved to another apartment with only room for her and my two siblings.

I studied two years in the other city but then cancelled the studies and came back – I had to live at my fathers then because I wouldn’t have enough money to live in an own apartment.

Four years later I still live at my fathers and it’s hell. He’s still controlling. He always thinks of him being so generous and stuff. He often buys grocery for me, that’s indeed nice of him. So I give him a shopping list of things I need. Then he writes down how much money I need to give him. Sometimes he just buys way more, things I don’t need right now or huge amounts of them because they were on sale or something. But I don’t need so much, I could not eat all of this until it’s turning bad. So I’m like „I didn’t need so much of it.“ Then he accuses me of being ungrateful when in truth it is my money that gets wasted…

He’s so sensible to anything. When he cooks something and then tells me I could have some as well and I don’t want to I simply thank him but say no and then he’s so pi*sed and offended like I did something bad. Then he’s like „Oh well, whatever. I just meant well for you.“

When I won’t stay at home at the weekend and go out or if I have no time for him going to the movies or something like that (just because he really has NO friends left at all…) he’s playing the victim card and says things like „Oh yeah, right. I’m only good enough to buy you things or help wenn you need something but when I want something from you once you decline. Everyone’s so ungrateful.“ Literally every time I leave the house he would turn offended and when some time has gone by he suddenly is the nicest man ever and behaves like nothing ever happened. And if I’m still angry with him because of his past behaviour he’s like „Oh, you are so moody and sensitive. You are such a drama queen.“

And he has NO boundaries at all. SOmetimes I take a nap in the afternoon. When he comes home from work he just walks into my room (that’s not he rude thing, he doesn’t know of course that I’m napping) and even if he sees I’m sleeping he just stands there, talks and talks until I wake up just because he needed to tell me something „important“. If I then sas something like „I’m sorry, I’m sleeping. Please tell it to me later.“ he’s offened and again calling me drama queen and moody. Oh and the knocking thing, some montsh ago he wouldn’t even knock but just storm into my room until I told him he should knock (which of course offended him and made be the sensitive and moody one again). Now he knocks three times and storms into my room. Wow, just wow.

There’s nothing I could do right. The first thing he does when coming home is like looking for things in the kitchen or bathroom I didn’t do properly in his eyes. Things like „No, you need to fold the laundry like this…“ and „Don’t you think it’s better if you do it like this?“ Yeah, of course, he only means well to me… He just NEEDS to control EVERYTHING. If I’m not doing it good enough in his eyes he should do it himself. Ugh.

And if he wants me to do something he’s not saying it directly to me but giving hints like „Oh, I need to clean the bathroom“ or „I need to empty the dishwasher.“ when muttering this to himself. He’s not using „YOU need to“, he’s saying it to himself. He simply can’t ask for it but doing it so covertly. This really pi*ses me off. If he wants something from me he should simply talk to me. I can’t always read his mind.

Now because all of his behaviour is draining the life energy out of me I need to find an own apartment. Now I can afford it. So I told him that I’m looking for an apartment and of course he got so mad. He said things like „Oh, great, so now I can’t go into early retirement.“ Well, I pay him half of the expenses he has for the apartment monthly, with that money he could have gone into early retirement. But does he really expect me to stay with him at the age of nearly 26? So now I’m the one to blame because he can’t retire early… great. He always makes me feel guilty for something. Two years ago he had a burn out, now he’s got some other illnesses as well and is always complaining about everything, he’s the poor victim of it all (when in truth he just went tot he doctor to late because he would always say „I don’t need to go tot he doctor. I can do it on my own“ and stuff). Yes, he deserves to retire early but I’m sorry, I can’t just stay because of that. I need to live my own life for once. I can’t always surround myself with cluster b people, it sickens me. He’s always the poo victim of everything, everyone deceives him, he’s always the last one to know about something, blablabla. I can’t take it anymore.

But then again I feel sorry for him. I feel guilty, get a bad conscience. Yes, he did many great things for us but only to rub it in our nose later when he can’t control us. Always talking about how great and generous he is, that he would do everything for us… and that we only exploit him.

Right now, I don’t know what to do. I need to move out but I know if I’ll do the last months staying with him will be even worse like it is now. I just can’t have these cluster bs in my life anymore. I grew up with them (my sister is a diagnosed BPD), two of my girlfriends were cluster b. I don’t want that anymore…

Does someone have an advice how to behave towards my father now to not make it worse with him?

[clljhns]

  misty_red,


I am sorry to hear about the situation with your dad. It is very difficult when a parent has traits of BPD/NPD and we are in a position to have to return home. I know how this feels. I had to move back in with my parents when I was 24, due to divorce. It was challenging to say the least, as mom is uBPD and dad is uNPD.

But then again I feel sorry for him. I feel guilty, get a bad conscience. Yes, he did many great things for us but only to rub it in our nose later when he can’t control us. Always talking about how great and generous he is, that he would do everything for us… and that we only exploit him.

Do you feel that it is your responsibility to take care of dad? Have you read FOG? I am including the link here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog.  I understand your feelings of guilt. I was tied to my FOO through my FOG. Once I realized that I was not responsible for them or their actions, I was able to change my reaction to the baiting statements, such as "After everything we have done for you, this is how you repay us!" This statement was actually in response to my telling my parents that I would be moving out, after living with them for a year and a half. Very similar to what you are experiencing, so I get it.

I just can’t have these cluster bs in my life anymore. I grew up with them (my sister is a diagnosed BPD), two of my girlfriends were cluster b. I don’t want that anymore…

You have every right to decide who will be in your life.

Does someone have an advice how to behave towards my father now to not make it worse with him?

Have you checked out the communication tools on the site? The link is: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

One thing that really helped me was not responding to the emotion behind their statements, but to focus on the content and give very brief and directed responses. So, I would use a lot of "I" statements in my responses. "I need to do... ." "I'm sorry you feel this way, but I need... ."

Take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing.