Have you ever been physically assualted or threatened by your BPD?

[Silveron]

Just curious... Last night my wife went into her 'zone' as I call it and was verbally abusive towards me after I told her it was not right for her to call our 7 year old daughter a 'jerk'.  She then had a heavy glass mixing bowl in her hand (while I was on the couch with our dog in my lap).  She partially raised the bowl and made a grunting noise like she wanted to throw it at me.  I told her 'enough' and her reply was 'I wouldn't hurt my dog'. 

Been married to her 10 years.  During that time I've been punched (bloody lips), threatened with a knife, scissors, kicked while I was on top of the stairs and took her nails and dug them into my neck.

I am on the verge of ending it, even gave her half of the income tax return early so she could get her own place... She didn't find a place, she spent $2k on herself.  The psychologist told me she needs years of therapy, after she quit last year.  She shows all the signs of BPD.  It's the rages I really worry about.  I've been reading up on BPD quite a bit and it seems like no hope.

[Sheed]

YES. My uBPDex had her violent streak. My face would be bruised, scratched, nose bloodied and so on. I was always on high alert because even though she was the violent one, i could still end up hurting her while restraining her. Thus, getting in trouble with the law. She would proceed to take pictures of her bruises from me, grabbing her by her wrists, arms and legs. Twice I had to  jump off my 2nd floor apartment window to get away from her.

[foxangel82]

Yes, I was punched repeatedly in the head by my husband in October. Prior to that he had never been violent towards me in our 3.5 year relationship. He had blamed it on the alcohol.

Before and after that he would be suicidal or bang his head onto brick walls or the car window (until it broke). I got a protective order out of fear but he thinks I was thing to punish him for the assault.

[Lucky Jim]

Sure, my BPDxW could get violent when she was drunk (most nights).  She threw a wine bottle at me, dumped a gallon of water over my head (while I was sleeping), punched a hole in the wall, broke down a door after I locked it to get away from her, chased me relentlessly around the house and wouldn't let me sleep, locked me out of the house, dumped my business clothes on the front lawn, etc., etc.  I could go on and on.  It's what a pwBPD does, in my experience.

Violence against women gets a lot of attention; yet the converse -- violence by women against men -- goes under the radar.  Nevertheless, it's abuse, but no one talks about it.

Painful memories of a hellish marriage, when my life was like something out of a Stephen King novel . . .

LuckyJim

[Smileypants]

Never physical (at least not yet), but it has been threatened.  Example- during a rage about me opening a door to fast, he said "do you want to get knocked the f*** out?"

[gomez_addams]

My uBPDw threatened to "punch me in the face"... .but that paled in comparison to the fact that she prays to God that I die.  She clarified that recently: it was so she could get her freedom.

Right before she left (for treatment for an eating disorder) she punched a hole in a closet door.  That made the prior statements all the more real.

I told her recently that she's not buying a plane ticket back until we resolve the violence issue.  She's not taking it well, and thus her attempt to explain why she would pray that I die.

(note: she is a deeply religious person.  If a more agnostic person said something like that, it'd be more like "wishing"... .however, prayer is where my wife turns when she really wants something to happen.  Think of it along the lines of asking her Father to kill me.)

Gomez

[Samuel S.]

It is horrible enough that a person has BPD and then becomes verbally abusive. That is harmful enough as it is. When a BPD steps over the line, hits, hurts physically, that is a boundary that nobody should ever endure. For your own safety, it is suggested that you get the H*** out of there! The T has already stated that loads of therapy is needed. In the meantime, you deserve to preserve yourself and live and feel a life of safety and sanity. You too should get into therapy for the trauma that your BPD has caused you so that you know how to protect yourself from your BPD, if you ever encounter her again or anyone else like her again. Frankly, I am afraid for you. Please be kind to yourself, and make every move to leave. She has attempted to leave to no avail, but has not succeeded. "Stuff" can be replaced, but your physical health and sanity are much more important that all that "stuff"! 

[Silveron]

Yes I have heard from that as well, wishing I would die.  And you are right, I do need to get out of there.  My fear though is that I'm leaving my 7 year old daughter to a wolf.  I have slowly started to notice her verbal name calling to our daughter which has really scared me.  The times that she punched me in the face (we were out at a bar and she thought I winked at someone, which I didn't!), she told me that if I called the police she would hurt herself and blame it on me.

How can I get her noticed to her abusive behaviors?  Trying to video her with my phone would only enrage her more.  I don't believe she would hurt our daughter physically but I have already written a letter to a close friend so that she could give to the authorities if something were to happen to me.  A letter to please investigate my wife due to the things she has done previously to me.  I am also creating a trust in my daughter's name so that everything goes to her when she becomes an adult.  Giving it to my wife, she would have it spent within' a year and leave nothing for my daughter.

She tries to belittle me in front of our daughter almost on a daily basis, she is trying to pull our daughter to 'take her side' and have her look at me in a negative tone.  For example, last night my daughter has a spelling test on Friday, she's having trouble with some of the words so I told her that before she could watch her shows she has to go over the words with me.  Her mother interjects right away and tells her 'If you don't want to do your spelling, you don't have to.  Dad is just mean'.  My wife then proceeds to try to belittle me further in front of our daughter.

I'm expecting a phone call or text from her any minute because once again she is completely out of money and she doesn't get paid until Friday.  I am not answering that phone, though I know this will put her into a rage when I come home tonight.

Keeping a journal in itself won't help me in a divorce, what advice do you have to start getting evidence of her behavior?  I would try for full custody or at least get her into therapy.

[Michelle27]

I had a cup of hot coffee thrown at me once and he once threw a remote control from one room into the next where I was.  It missed me, but our daughter was rounding the corner and it actually was closer to her than me when it whizzed past.  I think that scared him and there were no more acts of physical violence after that.

That said, my first marriage was physically abusive... .I was even punched in the stomach when I was pregnant.  The rages and things that have been said in my marriage with my uBPDh are far more damaging to me... .they really do stick and I am having more trouble letting go of the resentments and anger from that than from the physically acting out he's done. 

[Silveron]

Michelle, I am so sorry that happened.  These things do stick and it destroys the bond and trust.  The person you are suppose to put all your love and faith into ends up treating you worse than a stranger.

As soon as I posted my last reply, I got a text from her asking for money... She is so predictable.  Funny how I never get a text to ask me how my day is... Just I need money.  When I told her no to her request she replied back that she will quit her job.

[Svarl1]

Silveron, you need to get advice, firstly from a lawyer.

Then, however the lawyer recommends, to tell the police.

The violence is utterly unacceptable and i should think good grounds for divorce.

But as far as getting evidence goes, i can see it could be difficult - that's one of the things you'll need to speak to your lawyer about. They'll know what evidence a court will require.

As to whether I have personally been assaulted, unfortunately yes, many times: Punched, scratched, cut with scissors, burned with matches all over the body ("stand there and take it or I'll hurt myself!", clothes torn and cut off me, crockery thrown, state of terror the whole time in her presence.

But not any more. It only stopped (about 12 years ago) when I fled town while she was at work. After about a month she persuaded me to go back (mug!). "Just to meet up one last time" (yeah, right!).

We have now been married 10 years without violence, and although she is still somewhat insecure and a bit controlling, not 10% as terrible as previously. But, at least initially, I'm convinced the ONE thing that stopped the violence was my willingness to end the relationship - the one thing SHE seems to dread the most.

It needs to be the same with you: violence = CERTAIN separation.

No exceptions, no second chances, never never never!

The difference between you and me is that you have a child to protect.

That's why you need the lawyer. This is really, really important for you to do what your daughter needs and deserves. Abuse runs in families until someone has the strength to break the cycle. Your job. Best of luck.

[snowwhite]

I posted almost the same question back in 2010, along with a poll. There were many people who reported violent actions from the person with BPD in their lives.

[hurting300]

Mine only hit me once, however I do think I should not have grabbed the remote from her. She was covertly abusive.

[Vatz]

Yup, she would punch me. Didn't hurt physically, she would slap me sometimes, and besides that sting it wasn't too painful. My ex shoved me from time to time as well.

A few times I've had to restrain her. I restrained her, she'd get tired, then take a breath and keep trying to hit me. I'd just grab her wrists, get her off balance and gently ease her down while holding her to keep her from hitting me some more and from falling flat on her back, and hitting her head (picked up the foot positioning from dipping a partner while dancing.) I'd "lock" her up and let her thrash for a bit until she was done. Then get her some water, it was strange but when I got her water... .Somehow I felt closer to her. It felt right to make sure she had a drink and could catch her breath-and all I wanted to do was give her a big hug. Usually I'd pat her gently on the shoulder as she drank letting her know "it's okay." Eventually she'd come back to her senses and for some weird reason... .we'd laugh. We'd talk about the damn thing like it was... .some sort of weird game. Looking back on it now, I see just how messed up it is. I wonder what all those incidents say about me.

There were times I was afraid she'd try to knife me in my sleep so I'd either sleep lightly, or make sure to sleep in the living room because floors creek and I'd hear her coming. One time I went to sleep in her house and put something under the door to ensure that if she tried to open it, it would take a little extra force and she'd end up making some noise and it would give me enough warning to spring to action. Maybe I was being paranoid. But at the moment, none of it felt strange. Just something you do to keep from getting gutted or given a "second smile" from ear-to-ear.

I think what hurt the most was the verbal abuse and her emotional affairs. I got over the fact that she gave a handy to some guy at a convention... .after a couple months I was cool. What I didn't like was that she was still talking to the dude. The verbal abuse and quick bouts of physical were really bad, it wasn't her trying to pummel me or something. It was a shove while telling me "Move faster!" There was a sinking feeling that started in my solar plexus that I felt from there up to my throat-and my eyes might get a little misty. No, the punches didn't hurt, and the shoves didn't really push me far. I always thought "Why would you do this?"

Here's where it really bothered me. I read her texts and she was telling this guy she liked him and thought of him. I wrote her a note in a composition book about how that sort of thing hurts me and makes me feel as though even though the physical act was done, the affair wasn't over. She expressed wanting me to trust her again and wrote that this is the sort of thing that makes it impossible for me to move on. She threw the notebook at me, and instead got mad about how I read her phone. Misdirection, I guess. I don't remember her throwing stuff at me. Either she'd miss or I'd swat it away. If it hit me, I don't remember it hurting much.

Actually, thinking about this made me remember something. It was something she said and it hurt me more than anything she's ever said to me. She was kind of drunk one night and I tried to pick her up and put her on the couch because she was not planning on getting up off her butt. Now, for some time she'd been hanging out with an old high-school friend and she'd drank around him. I tried to pick her up. She'd put on a few and I have been neglecting my body-and have been pretty depressed. "He's stronger than you, he can pick me up easier" she said.  That comment cut so deep. I'll never forget it, and I think since then I've felt so small and puny. I used remember once scooping her right up off the floor, and I even used to bench her as she'd lay (almost stiff as a board) on my hands and I'd lift her like you would a bench press. Those words though... .even now I feel like a puny little kid. Like no matter how I may work on myself, I am innately weaker and less than him. She cheated on me with him months after.

I know I went off on a tangent. But the Cliff's Notes version is that there definitely was physical abuse. But it never hurt as badly as the emotional and verbal stuff.

[HappyNihilist]

Oh, yes. My exBPDbf's rages were terrifying.

Silveron, I'm sorry you're dealing with this.   No one should have to live with abuse of any kind - physical, emotional, verbal, etc. Threats of assault are abuse in themselves.

You say that you're on the verge of ending it. What questions are you struggling with right now?

Remember to take care of You. 

[Silveron]

Thank you for all the posts.  The issue I have right now is my daughter.  My wife is making her co-dependent on her.  Giving her tons of attention but then at a snap of a finger, ignore her.  My daughter is a complete mess in regards to that.  My wife does this as a control mechanism and when she unleashes on me with her verbal assaults she is now telling these awful things to our daughter about me.

My wife is very unstable to the point that I written a letter and gave it to a close friend to keep.  This letter is basically for the police in case something were to happen to me, to look into my wife.  The one time I remember when she got physical with me was her saying 'Its not abuse if there are not any bruises'.  WTH?

She has very high highs and very deep lows.  I got her to a psychologist when I saw on her internet search history about suicide, however she quit after 5 sessions.  The psychologist told me that she needs years of weekly therapy and that if I were to leave it's almost certain she would kill herself.

[Loosestrife]

Physical abuse usually have signs that lead up to it. The question I have is can you ever trust them again even if the abuser is sorry and tries to change

[Lucky Jim]

My wife is very unstable to the point that I written a letter and gave it to a close friend to keep.  This letter is basically for the police in case something were to happen to me, to look into my wife.

Hey Silveron, Well, that is a red flag for you.     I'm sorry to hear what you are going through and once told a friend something very similar to the letter you describe. 

The psychologist told me that she needs years of weekly therapy and that if I were to leave it's almost certain she would kill herself.

Well, there's another red flag.     I faced suicide threats many times in a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD, which I regard as the ultimate manipulation.  It's usually just crying wolf, yet you never know for sure whether they might really carry it out.  It's incredibly stressful and I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.

It is possible to change the focus and figure out what is best for you?

LuckyJim

[Smileypants]

My husband has told me that he knows someone who could "take me out and make it look like an accident" so my friends know this, in case anything happens to me.