It's getting weird

[ShaSha]

I knew it would get worse but this is just weird.  In the last week my bf's uBPDxw invited him to dinner, gave him an Easter gift via their 22d, sent personalized m & m's, and last night left a canister with testicles suspended in formaldehyde on one of his vehicles.  The youngest d turns 18 in 2 weeks and will be leaving for college this summer.  I understand the abandonment perceptions yet I'm so confused why this is getting so weird?  She has painted him black for the past 4 yrs (post divorce) and now is she idealizing him?  She cheated (hence the divorce) and immediately moved in with her replacement with whom she still lives with.  Anyone have any experience with this level of "weird" craziness?  He wants to get a restraining order but I'd prefer to wait until the youngest is 18 (he's had one before due to DV) but will that push her over the deep end?  Should we tell the replacement what is going on? Any ideas/suggestions welcomed!

[livednlearned]

Hi ShaSha,

You're really insightful to recognize that D18 is heading to college soon, and that this could be triggering the ex. It can be difficult for non-BPD parents to come to terms with an empty nest, and is likely to be even more challenging for someone who has BPD given the nature of the disorder and extreme fears of abandonment. She may be fighting with the new BF, and is looking for somewhere to "attach," even if it makes no sense given her history.

The testicles in formaldehyde is pretty strange. Can't say I've heard of that one before   

One thing I have done in the past when I wasn't sure if I wanted to file a restraining order is to report disturbing behavior to the police but not file any charges. I'm not sure if it works that way everywhere, but it gave me peace of mind to know that there was an open file, and yet I didn't have to commit to any action that could provoke even stranger (or dangerous) behavior.

Does D18 know about the antics?

[Panda39]

Hi ShaSha,

I have to agree with you the testicle thing is definitely weird  

But the other stuff sounds somewhat familiar.  She is trying to get your BF's attention for sure.  Something has been triggered for her.  My SO's uBPDxw is just the opposite she goes quiet when something is going on with her (usually a legal problem she doesn't want us to know about).  You could be right about their younger daughter leaving the nest, or she could be having other issues... .job... .boyfriend... .legal... .family... .could really be anything.

What has your BF and his ex's relationship looked like over the last 4 years?  I assume there must have been some contact regarding the kids.

I guess the real issue is that she has resurfaced after 4 years and your BF is uncomfortable (the testicle thing would make me uncomfortable too - not too veiled threat - makes me think of the horse's head in "The Godfather".  A restraining order may give your BF some peace of mind by setting a boundary regarding his safety.

It sounds like you are concerned that it may rock the boat before D18 leaves for school.  What do your BF's daughters know about their mom's issues and what are their relationships like with her?

I wouldn't advise getting in the middle of the ex's relationship with the replacement that seems to me to put yourself in a very dicey spot and really the only person that can control the ex-wife is the ex-wife.  The replacement probably has no more control over her then your BF did when he was married to her.