Grieving losses

[Bestill]

I haven't been here for a bit.  Needed a break while trying to let new realities sink in.  I guess I'm grieving the fact that my son is always going to struggle, that he may get better at times, but will always have dark times.  I am trying to work on acceptance.  I'm just incredibly sad.  It has been there all along but was blamed on something else.  I wish there was something I could do but know I can't.  I have expected too much of him in some ways. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Radical acceptance is tough, Bestill. Really, it's the only thing we can control.

My T suggested it in a way when discussing my uBPDx,."I sense a lot of your anger results from expecting her to be someone she is not. She's limited in many ways you are not."

I've realized this about my dBPD mom, too, who frustrates more than angers me.

As the father of two little ones, obviously not BPD, I can't relate completely to the struggles you and other parents go through, but maybe you can take something from how my T put it.

He also said something else, which is kind of metaphysical, "sometimes the strong are chosen to protect the weak." That may be from The Bible, though it sounds suspiciously like Uncle Ben from Spider-man, but I think it's something which could describe any parent. The toughest realization may be that we may always remain in that role with children who have BPD.

[ChloeK]

Sorry bestill. Sometimes I think our greatest sorrows come from the realization of the death of our hopes and dreams. The realization it will never be as had hoped or wanted and nothing we can do to make it so. Totally agree with Turkish about the radical acceptance. Maybe through it all we realign our hopes and dreams more with reality than the societal norms. Not sure I'm also still working with this myself.

[lbjnltx]

Hello Bestill,

Glad to see you back.

Grieving the loss of our hopes and dreams for our kids... .grieving the loss of our ideals of what our relationship with our kids would be like, what our lives would be like as our kids became parents and we became grandparents is very real. 

Grieving consciously is important to our own health and well being.

Here is a topic you may find helpful:

Grieving Mental Illness in a Loved One

lbj

[trappedinlove]

Hi: Bestill,

Sorry to hear about your son. I felt that too about my daughter and then about my uBPDxso. It was devastating to realize that I can't help. Can't "fix" them. The only thing I can do is be there for her when she needs me and be better at it if I can. Things can improve for them given therapy and a supporting, loving and valudating environment that accepts their condition and quirks and at the same time provides assertive baundaries to protect their close ones.

There was a blog written by a pwBPD that I read extensively that demonstrated the process she went through with therapy. Her self awerness and openess were eye and heart opening to me.  Unfirtunately for us and fortunately for her she decided to take her blog down as it had served its purpose.  The bottom line is yes, she'll continue to have dark periods and extrene issues to deal with but she is well equipped with tools to handle that and protect her from harming herself or others much better.

Stay strong,

TIL