I need some ears for my long story...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I just signed up for this site not even a half hour ago and I cannot believe I didn't find this sooner. My significant other has BPD. He's 28 and I'm 21... .and a half.

It will be 2 years this coming October since I have been interacting with my now boyfriend. I had seen him around the area before we started showing interest in each other (he actually tried to start a conversation with me a year before that, but oddly I had a weird vibe from him and wasn't interested.)  We started off casually talking to each other, I quickly started spending a lot of nights with him, and I would spent a lot of time at his house hanging out with him when he came home from work.

He was super fun in the beginning. I could get to his house in 5 minutes, and he'd shoot me a text in the middle of the night and I'd go over to see him and spend the night with him. He'd make me dinner all the time, he was very accommodating in always letting me come over even if it was while he was doing college work and I'd sit on the couch and watch TV, take his dog for a walk, whatever. He just let me enjoy the peace and quiet that his house had to offer being a single guy with his own house. I enjoyed him so much, he was someone to be with, company that I knew would be around, we'd text all day long and I looked forward to that. He was like a sense of security because I knew he'd come home everyday. He's very knowledgeable and I can practically ask him anything and he knows. He's been through everything that I've started going through like applying for credit cards and he has a lot of life advice for me.

Fast forward to current day and the reason why I made this account on this site. I was texting him just now and these are the kinds of conversations I face with him DAILY! I just can't take it any more. I am so emotionally drained by him. When he sneezes I jump out of my skin, because I am always on eggshells around him. I really do jump too, every damn time that he sneezes. He throws things when he's mad, and curses and screams. I realized I am disgusted with the fact that I have no one able to talk to or relate to the challenges I have daily with this man. He thrives on my anxiety. I'm a very laid back person. I distance myself so far from drama because I just don't care. I would consider myself the personality of a no collar if I didn't have the hard work ethic of a blue collar. My whole life I've done nothing but hard labor to earn my money. However, my significant other loves to get me on the edge of a breakdown. He thrives from it! It is like an accomplishment to him to get me on the edge of my anxiety. He goes on spurts and then settles down for sometimes just an hour, a day, a week, sometimes as long as a few weeks he has been relaxed and his BPD traits don't pop up out of nowhere. The strange part about the following text conversation, is we were texting a lot right before this and it was a very good conversation, no issues, no hints of being irritated or anything... .and then bam! He strikes again and makes me want to leave him ASAP. I am seriously considering moving all of my stuff next month but it is such a huge leap to make, when deep down I want everything to work out between us. Then he begs me not to leave him, and his abandonment issues come into play. I'm telling you, this man is a top contender for best manipulator. He literally tries every play in the book. I don't let him get to me, for the most part. I've noticed that because he doesn't get a reaction out of me most times, he has to go harder and deeper because he needs that reaction from me to know that he's hurt my feelings. Then, when I do cry, he tells me I'm a psycho and that I need meds, and he also tells me that I'm BPD as an insult, he calls me every name in the book, and trys to put me down as hard as he can.


(Me) I really want to ask... .

   ask what?

Sorry, nvm.

   no, ask.

   or that wasn’t meant for me?

No, I don’t want to ask anymore.

   ... .?

   don’t f**king start something and then not finish it

I said sorry, and nvm

   NO

   what

   I’m not playing f**king games.

No... .You're playing games? I wanted to ask you something but realized I really don't want to actually ask you, it's just a question I have.

   you’re wasting my f**king time, I’m pissy that you didn’t just ask whatever

   now you amped me up

   purposely

   for no reason

   just to cause a f**king scene

I'm not wasting your time? I said nvm! That was the end of it! No wasting your time!

   no, you’ve wasted 4 minutes with a “I really want to ask”

   instead of just asking it

   pussy.

Pussy?

Really?

   yes. you’re a pussy.

That's not going to get me to ask it... .?

   I don’t give a f**k now.

   goodbye

   you’re manipulative and a game player

Wow... .

   last f**king chance. I’m not playing f**king games with you

   step up and be a f**king adult

   5

   4

   3

Last chance for what?

   to ask the question before i get furious with you for starting this right now

   when you know I’m doing homework

   you just had to take my mind off of my work

   so ask the question

   or suffer the consequences.

   3

   2

   1

   f**k it

   I’m so f**king furious right now. I’m literally seething

   because you started something up and won’t see it through

   because you’re a f**king b___

I'm not going to acknowledge your behavior that you're showing right now. This is unacceptable. You literally could have gone "okay" when I said nvm and been done with it. I have no idea what you're flipping out over right now and incase you forgot I'm doing homework, too.

   Im pissed because you told me how much you wanted to f**king ask

   and then didn’t

   its like, now what? I’m supposed to ignore the fact that you’re feeling something and won’t tell it to me

   I’m sick of you doing this

   if you think for one second I’m going to continue to allow you to live here and keep playing games, you’re sadly mistaken, little girl

   have a fun trip home tomorrow. I won’t be around, so don’t bother texting me.

   f**k yourself

   I am litteraly f**ked for the night

   you have just thrown me up over the edge

   all because you had to f**king start something

   and THIS is why we need to be done. Overtime I allow myself to get fooled into thinking you’ve grown up, now you play even MORE games.

   hahahahahaha

   jokes on you

   later

[Eightwonders]

I just signed up for this site not even a half hour ago and I cannot believe I didn't find this sooner. My significant other has BPD. He's 28 and I'm 21... .and a half.

It will be 2 years this coming October since I have been interacting with my now boyfriend. I had seen him around the area before we started showing interest in each other (he actually tried to start a conversation with me a year before that, but oddly I had a weird vibe from him and wasn't interested.)  We started off casually talking to each other, I quickly started spending a lot of nights with him, and I would spent a lot of time at his house hanging out with him when he came home from work.

He was super fun in the beginning. I could get to his house in 5 minutes, and he'd shoot me a text in the middle of the night and I'd go over to see him and spend the night with him. He'd make me dinner all the time, he was very accommodating in always letting me come over even if it was while he was doing college work and I'd sit on the couch and watch TV, take his dog for a walk, whatever. He just let me enjoy the peace and quiet that his house had to offer being a single guy with his own house. I enjoyed him so much, he was someone to be with, company that I knew would be around, we'd text all day long and I looked forward to that. He was like a sense of security because I knew he'd come home everyday. He's very knowledgeable and I can practically ask him anything and he knows. He's been through everything that I've started going through like applying for credit cards and he has a lot of life advice for me.

Fast forward to current day and the reason why I made this account on this site. I was texting him just now and these are the kinds of conversations I face with him DAILY! I just can't take it any more. I am so emotionally drained by him. When he sneezes I jump out of my skin, because I am always on eggshells around him. I really do jump too, every damn time that he sneezes. He throws things when he's mad, and curses and screams. I realized I am disgusted with the fact that I have no one able to talk to or relate to the challenges I have daily with this man. He thrives on my anxiety. I'm a very laid back person. I distance myself so far from drama because I just don't care. I would consider myself the personality of a no collar if I didn't have the hard work ethic of a blue collar. My whole life I've done nothing but hard labor to earn my money. However, my significant other loves to get me on the edge of a breakdown. He thrives from it! It is like an accomplishment to him to get me on the edge of my anxiety. He goes on spurts and then settles down for sometimes just an hour, a day, a week, sometimes as long as a few weeks he has been relaxed and his BPD traits don't pop up out of nowhere. The strange part about the following text conversation, is we were texting a lot right before this and it was a very good conversation, no issues, no hints of being irritated or anything... .and then bam! He strikes again and makes me want to leave him ASAP. I am seriously considering moving all of my stuff next month but it is such a huge leap to make, when deep down I want everything to work out between us. Then he begs me not to leave him, and his abandonment issues come into play. I'm telling you, this man is a top contender for best manipulator. He literally tries every play in the book. I don't let him get to me, for the most part. I've noticed that because he doesn't get a reaction out of me most times, he has to go harder and deeper because he needs that reaction from me to know that he's hurt my feelings. Then, when I do cry, he tells me I'm a psycho and that I need meds, and he also tells me that I'm BPD as an insult, he calls me every name in the book, and trys to put me down as hard as he can.


(Me) I really want to ask... .

   ask what?

Sorry, nvm.

   no, ask.

   or that wasn’t meant for me?

No, I don’t want to ask anymore.

   ... .?

   don’t f**king start something and then not finish it

I said sorry, and nvm

   NO

   what

   I’m not playing f**king games.

No... .You're playing games? I wanted to ask you something but realized I really don't want to actually ask you, it's just a question I have.

   you’re wasting my f**king time, I’m pissy that you didn’t just ask whatever

   now you amped me up

   purposely

   for no reason

   just to cause a f**king scene

I'm not wasting your time? I said nvm! That was the end of it! No wasting your time!

   no, you’ve wasted 4 minutes with a “I really want to ask”

   instead of just asking it

   pussy.

Pussy?

Really?

   yes. you’re a pussy.

That's not going to get me to ask it... .?

   I don’t give a f**k now.

   goodbye

   you’re manipulative and a game player

Wow... .

   last f**king chance. I’m not playing f**king games with you

   step up and be a f**king adult

   5

   4

   3

Last chance for what?

   to ask the question before i get furious with you for starting this right now

   when you know I’m doing homework

   you just had to take my mind off of my work

   so ask the question

   or suffer the consequences.

   3

   2

   1

   f**k it

   I’m so f**king furious right now. I’m literally seething

   because you started something up and won’t see it through

   because you’re a f**king b___

I'm not going to acknowledge your behavior that you're showing right now. This is unacceptable. You literally could have gone "okay" when I said nvm and been done with it. I have no idea what you're flipping out over right now and incase you forgot I'm doing homework, too.

   Im pissed because you told me how much you wanted to f**king ask

   and then didn’t

   its like, now what? I’m supposed to ignore the fact that you’re feeling something and won’t tell it to me

   I’m sick of you doing this

   if you think for one second I’m going to continue to allow you to live here and keep playing games, you’re sadly mistaken, little girl

   have a fun trip home tomorrow. I won’t be around, so don’t bother texting me.

   f**k yourself

   I am litteraly f**ked for the night

   you have just thrown me up over the edge

   all because you had to f**king start something

   and THIS is why we need to be done. Overtime I allow myself to get fooled into thinking you’ve grown up, now you play even MORE games.

   hahahahahaha

   jokes on you

   later

[SummerStorm]

I'm glad you mentioned your ages.  Just remember this: You're 21, but he's basically 3.  Yes, intellectually, he is 28, and he knows a lot about various things, but emotionally, he's a small child. 

My exBPD is incredibly intelligent and could offer me a lot of advice on buying a house, since she's moved a lot in her life, and she can discuss politics, religion, literature, and philosophy.  But when it comes to handling emotions and having adult conversations about relationships, she is very immature in her thinking. 

Like you, I am a very laid back person, so I was always on edge around my exBPD.  It got to a point where I barely talked to her because everything I said seemed to annoy her.  Like you, I was also called a psycho for showing my emotions.  She also told me that I have no coping skills. 

Also, the text conversations with my exBPD basically went the same way that yours have.  At first, we would text all the time, and the conversations were either really deep and intimate or light and humorous.  She would always reply to me, and when it was time for her to go to bed, she would let me know and say goodnight.  Eventually, they turned into arguments, and she would just abandon the conversation and stop replying to me.  She also stopped saying goodnight to me.   

Based on the exchange you posted, he really seems to be projecting and blaming you for everything.  You need to ask yourself if you are willing to continue putting up with this.  You didn't mention if he is in therapy, but if he isn't, this will only get worse. 

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Wow, his responses are so similar to the way my ex would react.  I am sorry for you to go through this.  It is helpful for me to see objectively how ramped-up and inappropriate his responses are.  I can easily see it in your situation though it was much harder to see when I was in the middle of it... .always second guessing myself, trying to look at what I had done wrong, etc. 

That said, I can see why he got upset.  I wouldn't like to receive a text about a question that never got asked.  I would find that irritating as well.  I think his irritation/frustration was legitimate.  HOWEVER, his response was NOT.  Blaming you for his inability to handle his own irritations, telling you that you are wasting his time, calling you a p*ssy, and telling you to f*ck yourself is ALL ON HIM. 

This is true of my ex as well.  His complaints were probably often valid.  Unfortunately, he could not/would not communicate in a productive and respectful way.  He would quickly devolve to GFY (go f*ck yourself) and other destructive behavior like the silent treatment.  He loved to tell me I wasted his time and ruined his day.  And that his inability to recover quickly or well was my fault.  Hello!  HIS recovery was HIS responsibility.  Same is true for your b/f.  Same is true for you and me. 

Which leads us back to the always-present question of what are we/you going to do to take care of ourselves/yourself?

You might like to check out Patricia Evan's website/books on verbal abuse.  Very eye-opening for me. 

[rotiroti]

Is he abusive?

Yes.



Are his reactions warranted?

No.



but i think that conversation could've gone way better.

[Eightwonders]

You didn't mention if he is in therapy, but if he isn't, this will only get worse. 

No. He refuses to go to therapy. He says he has no time to go, and that he doesn't have the money for it. Although he did just buy a 40,000 dollar vehicle last month. Many people have tried to get him to go to therapy in the past including myself.

[Eightwonders]

Which leads us back to the always-present question of what are we/you going to do to take care of ourselves/yourself?

You might like to check out Patricia Evan's website/books on verbal abuse.  Very eye-opening for me. 

I usually say nevermind to him when I rethink how he will react to any given question I have for him. There are countless times I've said something to him and wished I would have thought about it more, even if it was just a simple question or statement, because he can be so harsh over such basic conversations. It's a hit or a miss with him. Sometimes I can say nevermind to him, and that's the end of it, and other days this kind of stuff happens. I've read some articles and books on BPD when I realized I was having huge issues being able to relate to him, or keep him from getting so upset over things that I think are so minor and not worth getting worked up over. More than ever I'm believing I'm not one that is able to keep a relationship going with someone that is a full blown BPD.

[specialized]

I also have long story 20 years long. It doesn'tget better girl. He will never see things from any other perspective but his own. you will be changing to be able to cope with his stuff.  If I had a crystal ball at 2 years I would have ended it. Nothing you read, hear, or study and no therapist in the world will turn him into the man you want.  This is the reality of BPD.  My life will never be what I wanted /thought it was going to be when I met my wife.  I hope your crystal ball is better than mine was.    ... .do I love her? Of course.  Do I care about her? Of course.  Do I wish I would have done things differently ? Of course.  You at 21 are looking at a pathway for your life  does a man with BPD who would then be a husband with BPD and a BPD father to your children sound like the place you want to be emotionally for years and years? You can make up your own mind. I just wish I was 21 again .  Good luck to you.

[hope50]

If you are going to stay with him realize that you will have to be very very strong. He will take all your energy and life is going to be difficult. You are only 21, if I were you I would run, run as fast as you can. For me it has been 4 years and I am desperately trying to get out of this relationship but it is hard, he is so dependant of me, I am very afraid of what he is going to do when (not if, but when, I leave).

I now have anxiety issues, been to the hospital a few days ago, thought I was having a heart attached I had such big chest pain, but sure enough I was physically fine, but overly stressed because of the pervious drama he created. But luckily after telling the nurse and doctor about what could have cause such acute anxiety they have put me in contact with social workers that will help me deal with it.

I am in my 50's, am a professional, educated, experienced, have access to professional support but I am at the end of my rope with this relationship. I have faces lots of challenges in my lifetime, but this is the worst, it just never ends, it is constant and it is destroying me. I have been in contact with conselors and they all said the same thing. That I would stay with him for as long as I would be able to and when I would be destroyed enough then I would leave him. I do love him, but his behaviour is just not tolerable.

So read all the posts on every support group sites, there are not many good stories, if you love yourself, leave, or accept that things will likely get worst and will always be challenging.