Imagined Sexual Abuse?

[K1313]

Hi everyone. I saw another thread about sexual abuse but I felt like my question was a little different from the overall theme of that thread so... .

A few months back I got a hysterical phone call from my BPDmother. She said that my brother (not the enmeshed one but the eldest who after our parents' divorce was parentified and took over financial responsibility for the family from a young age) had called her and asked her if they "had ever slept together".

My first thought as she sobbed "how could he ask that?" was "Well... .but you did. We all shared a bed together at some point." That's how surprised I was. I thought she meant sharing a bed in a hotel or something but no... .he wanted to know if they ever had sex. He told her that he had been smoking marijuana and he thought he was having a repressed memory. He was, gathering from the noise in the background, out with people at a bar or something. My mother claims she could hear his wife laughing incredulously in the background when he asked.

On the one hand, it is incredibly hard for me to imagine my mother sexually abusing my brother. She has a ton of issues but sexual abuse is very at odds with my knowledge of her. But... .on the other hand... .She herself was sexually abused by her brother as a little girl and I know that there's a risk of continuing that kind of behavior with the next generation. Moreover, what if it's true? I don't want to be one of those people who tells someone who has been abused that they're wrong or making things up.

It's never been mentioned by him to her since but she still brings it up to me occasionally. My brother and I get along well and have a lot in common. We've talked about our feelings towards our mother openly and we're pretty much twins in how we feel towards her but he's never said anything to me about sexual abuse but he's made a few references to how "messed up" his childhood is. I don't know if that's referring to the same issues I dealt with, the parentification or if that was him alluding to sexual abuse.

What do I do? Do I try and talk to him about it? And if so... .how? How on earth do you ask something like that? Like I said earlier, I cannot begin to imagine my mother doing this but... .but... .now there's this nagging thought in my head... .what if it's true?

[claudiaduffy]

My first thought is how very wrong it is for your mom to come running to you in tears when any of your siblings accuses her of anything. Triangulation!   But secondly, I definitely wouldn't bring it up to your brother. If he has anything along these lines that he wants to discuss with you, he can. You don't necessarily have a clear picture from your mom of what he said, thought, or intended when he had this discussion with her. If your uBPDmom is anything like mine, she's capable of completely mis-reading a comment to the point it becomes nearly unrecognizable. And furthermore, even if your brother said, did, and meant exactly what your mom thinks he did, it's still not your business until he opens up to you about it.

[K1313]

My first thought is how very wrong it is for your mom to come running to you in tears when any of your siblings accuses her of anything. Triangulation!   But secondly, I definitely wouldn't bring it up to your brother. If he has anything along these lines that he wants to discuss with you, he can. You don't necessarily have a clear picture from your mom of what he said, thought, or intended when he had this discussion with her. If your uBPDmom is anything like mine, she's capable of completely mis-reading a comment to the point it becomes nearly unrecognizable. And furthermore, even if your brother said, did, and meant exactly what your mom thinks he did, it's still not your business until he opens up to you about it.

Thanks for the response. Your advice, not to bring it up, is pretty much what I was thinking. I also had the same thought that she may have completely misread what he was saying since I know she does that with things I say all the effing time.

I'm not sure why she told me about it. Wanting to share her pain? Wanting to get her version in first? Knowing I was close to him and wanting to make that closeness strained so that I have problems with him like she does? I don't know... .The other day she did say something about how he and I being close was me rejecting her so I definitely have my guard up when it comes to things about him.

[claudiaduffy]

I'm not sure why she told me about it. ... .The other day she did say something about how he and I being close was me rejecting her so I definitely have my guard up when it comes to things about him.

This is definitely a way people with BPD can operate - trying to ruin what they can't have. My mom does this all the time, even though most of the time I don't think she's aware she's doing it.