Introduction

[CatMom]

My daughter is high functioning in so many ways - she is about to graduate from a top law school, is charming in public, and everyone thinks she is great and I am such a lucky mother. Which I am. But in private, in daily and sometimes hourly phone calls with me, I see the other side. She has a huge fear of rejection which has so far kept her from applying to any jobs. She expects me to find her a job which I cannot do on my own. She will call and make sudden dramatic requests - "tell me what is unique about me". and then whatever I say is wrong and she gets very angry. The guys who like her (many, she is very attractive) she does not like, and then the ones she likes are cruel and rejecting. I just feel at my wit's end. I know I need to back off from being so present in her life - making doctor's appointments for her, lining up job interviews for her, answering the phone whenever she calls even if I am in a meeting or it's 4 a.m. - but I am terrified. Just as background, her father is alcoholic - we were divorced when she was 2 but she had visitation with him and feels she was scarred by him understandably. I have always so tried to make up for him. She has not been diagnosed with BPD formally but my brother has and I recognize. My brother was always a high achiever and a "golden child", like her, until he spiraled into substance abuse and suicide attempts. My parents cut off contact with him which I now understand better - he put them through hell - but I always vowed I would never do that. But I can see history repeating itself in a bad way. I just thought this site would give me some support as I try to be loving but not enabling. this is all confidential right? She would be so angry if she knew I was doing this. I worry all the time she will hurt herself - she has made comments but never attempts.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Catmom,

Welcome welcome welcome! So glad to have you here with us. 

I'm sorry to hear that your daughter is suffering so and that you are the person catching the fall out of her illness.  It is quite common and one of the distinctions between high and low functioning... .that the rest of the world doesn't see the behaviors that she reserves for you or other family members. 

Our fears for our children often bind us up in our decision making about what to do, not do, or how to do it.  In this article you can get a good understanding about FOG (fear obligation guilt) and how it can keep our relationships in a dysfunctional cycle.  Click on the green link below to see this article:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Our goal and mission for this site is to preserve and improve ourselves and our relationships.  Through the understanding of the disorder and the use of highly effective skills we can accomplish this.  We are here to help you achieve your goals of not being an enabler. 

This site is an anonymous site and you are safe here. 

lbjnltx

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, CatMom &

I'd like to join lbjntlx in welcoming you to this site, and also to encourage you to check out the link that she gave you. I'm so sorry for all of the pain and stress that you are going through, and so sorry that your daughter's life is being so troubled by her possible BPD... .I have an adult (38) son who was diagnosed with BPD two years ago, and I know how it difficult it has made life for him, too.

Have you had the chance to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page? Every one of them (especially the TOOLS and THE LESSONS) really gives a very good primer on just how your daughter's mind works, and how you can learn to deal with her in a better way. I've found that learning the communication tools and techniques has really made my relationship so much better with my son, and I've been able to help him in his recovery process.

How old is your daughter? How far away from you does she live? Do you see her often? Is she in a romantic relationship at this time? Do you have anyone you can talk to, who knows your situation and can listen? It's true (as lbjnltx said) that this site is anonymous, and you are free to tell us anything you'd like, so we can help... .Please read all you can here, and tell us more of your story, Cat Mom. We really do understand