Email saga continues...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Oh... .as for her lecturing the kids about who you are and what you are thinking... .

Q1: Do you think the kids understand and believe her? (I know there is a wide age range) They are living in the house. They see what happens. They aren't stupid. They certainly have noticed that your wife changes from day to day or month to month.

They also noticed your PTSD issues, and if you are managing them better, I'd guess they have noticed the change.

Q2: What are your limits? What will you do to enforce them? [You cannot make her shut up]

Last thought... .calling a family meeting where you confront her (or even disagree with her) sounds like an ugly situation which won't help much of anything. Anything you can do that allows her to take space away from you seems like a good idea these days!

[Grey Kitty]

Oh... .as for her lecturing the kids about who you are and what you are thinking... .

Q1: Do you think the kids understand and believe her? (I know there is a wide age range) They are living in the house. They see what happens. They aren't stupid. They certainly have noticed that your wife changes from day to day or month to month.

They also noticed your PTSD issues, and if you are managing them better, I'd guess they have noticed the change.

Q2: What are your limits? What will you do to enforce them? [You cannot make her shut up]

Last thought... .calling a family meeting where you confront her (or even disagree with her) sounds like an ugly situation which won't help much of anything. Anything you can do that allows her to take space away from you seems like a good idea these days!

[formflier]

Understanding that you have a small income while not working (and the potential of a much larger one when working)... .and that your wife gets a little income from substitute teaching, and might have more from a full-time teaching job... .

What about separating finances into accounts which are "yours", "hers", and "household"? Do you think it would reduce stress over money?

We have discussed this in past... .tried combinations... .failed... .IMO.  

So far... .the only thing that I think has "worked"... .IMO... .is that she runs the money... .when it runs out... .she has found her limit.

Budgets or things that require is to negotiate... .compromise... .stick to a plan... .have had 100% failure rate.

My only "backup" plan was described before... .that I am capable of getting control of money again in one month... .and distribute/use as I see fit.

[formflier]

Oh... .as for her lecturing the kids about who you are and what you are thinking... .

Q1: Do you think the kids understand and believe her? (I know there is a wide age range) They are living in the house. They see what happens. They aren't stupid. They certainly have noticed that your wife changes from day to day or month to month.

I doubt they believe her... .she accuses them of thinking this that and the other S15 sounds like I used to ... .JADEing all the time... .whining about her being unfair. Horrible for him to have to go through this.

They also noticed your PTSD issues, and if you are managing them better, I'd guess they have noticed the change.

With guidance of family T... .I have had regular conversations... .1 on 1... .with oldest 4 kids... .in fairly good detail about my issues... .and they have had time to tell me what it was like for them to be around me.  They can describe change they have seen... .and all say they are happy with it.  I certainly am. 

Not fixed... .cured or any of that... .but manageable.  I now am ok spending some time around fires with kids and family... .as long as I'm not "surprised" by it... .I'm ok.  (I had a number of aircraft fires... .not fun)

Q2: What are your limits? What will you do to enforce them? [You cannot make her shut up]

As I thought through it today... .I felt a limit was crossed... .and there was an agreed on action.  So I felt confident doing what I did.  I asked her to leave room so we could talk privately... .she refused.  Kids saw all this.  They know (I believe) about what is agreed on in counseling.

Last thought... .calling a family meeting where you confront her (or even disagree with her) sounds like an ugly situation which won't help much of anything. Anything you can do that allows her to take space away from you seems like a good idea these days!

Yeah... .I agree... .


Contingencies:  There is no plan or agreement amongst kids and me about when/if we ever leave the house.  As in mommy is freaking out and I want to remove kids to safety.

So... .if she is making speeches to kids about me... .I don't ever see myself asking kids to leave room.  I suspect she would order them to stay... .  I don't want to put them in that

Hmmm... .

[Grey Kitty]

Oh... .as for her lecturing the kids about who you are and what you are thinking... .

Q1: Do you think the kids understand and believe her? (I know there is a wide age range) They are living in the house. They see what happens. They aren't stupid. They certainly have noticed that your wife changes from day to day or month to month.

I doubt they believe her... .she accuses them of thinking this that and the other S15 sounds like I used to ... .JADEing all the time... .whining about her being unfair. Horrible for him to have to go through this.

Hmmm... .I'm ever the pragmatist here.

1. You call her on it and ask her to leave and discuss it privately with her. She doesn't comply, and continues. The kids probably don't believe her.

She's making a scene. If you fight her it makes a bigger scene. The kids will catch on to your (reasonable) role here.

Allowing it to play out at this point sounds very pragmatic--not that awful, and other choices are worse!

S15 sounds like I used to ... .JADEing all the time... .

You mentioned having private conversations with the older kids about your PTSD. Consider having a private conversation with S15. Offer him some of the tools for dealing with his mom. There is a fine line between offering useful tools and calling his mom nuts (aka parental alienation... .even if it is true!) Not JADEing is an excellent life tool--if you JADE to your boss at work, you look crappy. If he figures this out by the time he's 16, he will be soo far ahead of most of us in life!

[formflier]

 

So... .quick update... .my guess highlights instability... .or "flexibility".

I ask her to head upstairs to discuss the schedule today (asked her last night before bed)

I fixed me a sandwhich and some snacks for her... .she enjoyed them... .pleasant talk.  Totally normal. 

Went to bed together, intimate... .all that... .nothing to indicate there had been horrible weekend.

The "jobulator" went off twice last night.  I handed phone to her... .she accepted both jobs.  Today and tomorrow.  Seemed excited about them.

This morning she wakes up... .I'm getting others ups... .fixing breakfast... .cleaning kitchen.  She comes down to family at table eating and biscuits in oven.

I ask if she would like oatmeal.  In a loud voice she says "FOOD!". 

me:"Would you like biscuits"?

In disgust she whips open the fridge door and gets yogurt.

I ask if she would like some juice... .she shakes her head no.

Daughter... .for some reason... .parked truck blocking anyones exit from the driveway.  Wife comes in and yells at me about not being able to get out... .I should fill in "that hole".  We expanded a ditch on Saturday... .will pick up gravel today (first day it's open)

I help her move truck and she speeds off down the street... .VAROOM... .

FF

[123Phoebe]

I help her move truck and she speeds off down the street... .VAROOM... .

Oh boy, FF... .

This is going to be quite an adjustment period.