It's not what you do wrong, it's what you don't do right.

[wishfulthinking]

Basically, the title says how it feels.  He says I think of him negative all the time and that he's not telling me what I do wrong.  THEN, he'll turn around and tell me how to do something or that I should be doing something or to change the way I'm thinking about something, or that I'm not talking enough and should talk to him more, that I should be compassionate when he has an issue, etc.  ALL DAY LONG.  I don't think I lack all these qualities... .He asked me to start telling him about work.  I did... .I got accused of having an affair because I talked about the people I sit by and our conversations with each other.  Disregard the fact that I talk constantly about "Jane", it's the fact that I happened to mention ":)ick" also.  Now I'm F**king him.  So, do you really think I want to talk about work?  Whenever I talk about anything, it becomes an ordeal about something about him.  I barely get a sentence and a half out and now I'm listening to a 20 minute lecture on either how I'm wrong in how I'm looking at it and he knows the facts "period" or it becomes a story about him and something he dealt with that still affects him to this day.  Why don't I show him my love any more?  Because you've hurt me.  Physically.  And it causes a person to not want to by physically touched by the person who hurt them.  I don't want you to hug me the same day you popped me in the mouth.  I don't want you to hold me at night the same day you put a bruise on my leg that lasted for a month because you pushed me.  I don't feel safe, why would I want to encourage you to touch me?  Why don't I text you during the day?  Because any time I do, my answers aren't "loving" enough or "open" enough and you end up b!tching me out. Why am I playing games on my phone so much?  Because you force me to sit on the couch with you and I hate all the stupid reality shows you watch so I'm forced to play the games or sit there and watch something I don't like.  At least I'm sitting there.  But I am because otherwise you complain that I'm not spending time with you. Why don't I plan a day to take off work with you?  Because every time I ever have, you spend the whole day telling me all of the above.

Anyway, I signed my divorce papers yesterday and he should be served in the next couple of days.  I needed to remind myself why I'm doing this.  For my safety, sanity, and the mental well-being of my daughter. 

Please share your experiences so I know I'm not insane.

[cosmonaut]

Wow, wishfulthinking.  That's an awful lot to deal with.  No wonder you are feeling so hurt and angry.   :'(  I'm really sorry that you are having to go through this.

Domestic violence is very serious.  Do you feel that you and your daughter need to take action for your safety?  You mentioned that you don't feel safe.  Please make the safety of both of you a top priority.  No one deserves to have to tolerate abuse.

Please also know that this isn't your fault.  It sounds like you may be internalizing some of the reason for your relationship ending when you say that it's about what you didn't do right.  This is not your fault.  Truly.  It sounds like you have done everything you possibly could to try and improve things with your husband.  Unfortunately, we can't cure the disorder with love, and it is so tragic when the disorder destroys our relationship with someone we love.  This isn't your fault.  It's the disorder.

Stay strong and keep on posting.  We're to support you throught this miserable and difficult time.  I know my own breakup with my ex has been the worst experience of my life, and it did not involve all of the extra factors that you are dealing with.  It sounds like you've made a decision about what you want to do, and we are all here to support you in that.  Stay strong.   

[wishfulthinking]

It's the way he phrases things.  Then, he has an excuse to say... .I never said you were wrong, or did wrong, or said wrong, etc... .

Instead, he phrases it as you should... .blah blah blah.  You should talk to me more like you talk to your friend "Beth".  You should take out the trash like this, not like that.  You should say Yes instead of yeah.  But don't say YES if we are fighting because then it means you are mad?  WTH?  I can't win.  I seriously can't.  I've put my heart, soul, love, and all my energy into trying to please him and it NEVER happens.  Instead I hear about how he wakes up and walks on eggshells to make me happy!  How he gives his all and loves me so much and how that should be enough for me to overlook the times he's smacked me or held me down, the time he threw me to the wall and floor and ripped my shirt off, the times he fraudulently wrote checks on my account and got my account of 14 years closed, the time he stole my diamond jewelry and pawned it, the time he pawned the diamond watch I got him for his birthday 3 days later.  I'm supposed to overlook ALL of that and trust me, there's more... .because he loves me.

[cosmonaut]

I'm sorry, wishfulthinking.  It does sound like you are in a no win situation.  No matter how loving and patient you are, it is never enough.  Some people have described pwBPD as a bucket with a hole in it.  No matter how much love you pour in, it's just never enough to fill them.  This isn't your fault.  This is the disorder, and it is a great tragedy.

I am concerned about the level of physical violence your husband has shown you, however.  Are you safe?  Is your daughter safe?

[wishfulthinking]

We are currently safe, I believe.  ONLY because he's facing 5 months in jail if he does anything.  As for filing the papers.  The attorney is filing an exclusive occupancy request along with the papers to be issues immediately for his removal from the home.  This is MY house.  I've owned it 13 years and only been with him 2.  My belongings, and animals are in MY home.  Otherwise, I'd have left long ago.  But he has refused to leave.  Any way, the clock is ticking on his time in my home, I just have to play the game the best I can and be patient.  As for what happens after wards, I know to be on guard and watch my back, but that's all I can do short of hiring a security guard... .

[cosmonaut]

Ok, good.  I'm glad to hear that you are feeling safe for now, and that you have a plan.  I'm just worried about you and your daughter.      Don't hesitate to get help if something were to change, ok?

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.  I know you have so much on your plate and you are very hurt about how you have been treated.  Just remember that this isn't your fault.  That's so important.   

[Indiegrl]

Strong story.

My ex is not violent, no hints of it, he would never engage in any physical abuse or violence.

He doesn't have rages either.

Besides that, it's almost scary how much I recognize: It's the same logic. The amount of things I don'do right (for him) (!), the categorical demands on how things ought to be done, and if not, it's wrong wrong and wrong. And often these are details, that seem to represent something larger; when you don't call me back at once but make me wait, you are not showing respect (and hence love). So... . an everyday detail of being somewhat late, turns into a big ordeal. And I'm told in dephts how WRONG this is. Even though it may be 100 other alternative ways to both behave (on my side) and interpret (on his side), there is always this "need" to stick with the one version: where I'm the wrongdoer and him the sufferer.

what a waste. We could have been enjoying the important stuff (love, good health, great kids, eavh other etc) instead of getting distracted by all this "trivia". A bit angry 2 cents from me there... . it's so frustrating, so sad.

STAY SAFE, wishfulthinking! Don't be naive, take precautions!

[Indiegrl]

I had some more to say... .   

I think maybe the constant critique has to do with the "need" to feel in control, like a very malfunctioning strategy for preventing things to happen in the future that may be "unpleasant" (hurting)?

I want to add: My ex didn't do this too much. But it was increasing both in frequency, level of irritation (his) and length of discussion (not letting go of a subject). A tendency I find alarming now out of the FOG - guess it would have continued to grow, cause I can't see any logic to why it was so important and therefore I can't see no logic for it to end either... . And if it's about his inner state of... . hmmm... . not feeling safe... . I felt like I couldn't win any other way.

I will like to stress the importance of you taking extra precautions for your own safety these days:

Times of break-up statistically are the most violent times, the risk - statistically - of violence is higher, and reaches it's peak when she rejects - breaks up - with him. And in the heat of the moment, some future sanction or punishment is not enough to prevent violence, you need a present protection in order to be safe IF he looses his temper and gets angry with you and violates your boundaries.

I really don't mean to scare you, but these are times for doing the BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY. Do you have the opportunity to either travel away and visit family the days he will recieve the divorce papers, or anyone you can invite and be with you? It's not being weak or a sissy, it's being rational. You may see the Finishing line there, but stay on track until you have crossed the line, stay safe.

Take care. 

[Johnsok]

This is exactly how I feel. My SO is extremely verbally abusive & physically. He can give me a fat bloody lip and the next morning want to try to sleep with me. In trying to figure out when enough is enough for me... . When did you realize it?

[ReclaimingMyLife]

wishfulthinking, so very glad you are here.  I am so grateful for this site.  Keep visiting and posting. 

My situation was not the same as yours so this is not apples to apples by any means.  My r/s was only 8 months and he was only in my home once for an hour.  He never met my kids or my family.  But he got very threatening at the end.  I was genuinely afraid.  Went on lock down.  He was relentless. 

I read lots of books on stalking.  Most of them made me more afraid and helpless.  But I felt like I'd found a life boat in the book, The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker.  It helped me keep my sanity throughout that very difficult time.  I read it constantly.  I would feel terrible, read it and feel better like I had a game plan that I could handle.  My sisters and dad read it too which was very helpful because then we were all on the same page about the way I was choosing to handle it.  Even if they didn't always agree, they had confidence that I was making thoughtful, informed, non-reactionary decisions.  I highly recommend it.

I am so very sorry for what you have gone through and are going through.  Based on what you have shared thus far, your freedom certainly sounds more promising.  Of course you don't know how everything will turn out if you leave.  But you sure as ___ know how it will turn out if you stay.

Good on you.  Get that book!   

[ReclaimingMyLife]

The other thing, wishfulthinking, is that I can easily get into fantasy mode of "wishful thinking."  Remembering all the fun times.  The laughter.  The smarts.  The orgasms.  The dreams, hopes, promises.  The way it was supposed to be. 

But then I read what other people on this site are going through, living through daily, and I remember what being with him was really like.  What a lifetime of him would really feel like.  All the broken dreams, hopes, promises.  All the criticism.  All the lies.  The stealing.  And then I am so grateful that I am not still in it.  The pain of leaving is hard.  But, for me, it ain't nothing compared to the pain of staying.

Hang in there.  We are here with you!

[wishfulthinking]

Thank you all for responding and offering words of encouragement, support, and concern of safety.  It's nice to know someone understands and actually cares.

Johnsok,  I realized a LONG time ago the truth and reality of my situation.  But my deciding factor on getting divorced was a few months ago when we had an argument and he held me down on the bed and I took my foot and was able to push him off and when I stood up he smacked me hard across my face.  Then, told me it was because I kicked him.  I decided right then and started getting my ducks in a row.  The lawyer came when I was told a restraining order wouldn't be issued without proof of an immediate physical threat.  So, I contacted a lawyer and he said we'd go the route of exclusive occupancy with threat of physical and verbal abuse.  He actually has run it by a judge already to make sure his wording would be approved, so I'm just waiting on the actual filing.  It's taken longer than I had hoped, but getting financial records and such together to make a case that is solid and if he fights it for any reason, we have a back up plan that might make him reconsider, but it's now in process and I'm very grateful.  He popped me in the mouth a few weeks ago and it didn't bust my lip so it would have been his word against mine, so I didn't bother calling the police.  Had he busted my lip I'd have called.  He's facing 5 months in jail for the conviction he has and I haven't wanted him to go to jail, so I've protected that so far, but I just want him out of my life.  That's all.