My son committed suicide

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi all.

You might remember me as Louise716- son with PTSD due to military crap with a wife with BPD- narcissist who emotionally abused him.  

Well, the week has calmed down, but I wanted to share with you my son committed suicide Sept 4. Gee, that's hard to realize I actually wrote that.

Between his PTSD and her isolation of him, I guess he just couldn't take anymore.

I did wonder how a narcissist gets attention at a funeral when you are not the dead person.  Well, you stand at the front of the church ... .With a dog.

The part I am struggling with now is that I feel, even in death he couldn't be respected. Stories there but I'm getting tired.  

Louise

[louise 716]

Hi all.

You might remember me as Louise716- son with PTSD due to military crap with a wife with BPD- narcissist who emotionally abused him.  

Well, the week has calmed down, but I wanted to share with you my son committed suicide Sept 4. Gee, that's hard to realize I actually wrote that.

Between his PTSD and her isolation of him, I guess he just couldn't take anymore.

I did wonder how a narcissist gets attention at a funeral when you are not the dead person.  Well, you stand at the front of the church ... .With a dog.

The part I am struggling with now is that I feel, even in death he couldn't be respected. Stories there but I'm getting tired.  

Louise

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Skip]

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

 

[lever.]

I'm very,very sorry Louise.

I hope that you will come back here if you need to. There must be a lot of unresolved feelings towards his wife. It sounds as if there is a huge story there.

[swampped]

Dear Louise:  I am so very sorry for your loss.  Suicide is an especially difficult loss for family members, as it carries with it all sorts of guilt and anger and other feelings that are hard to resolve.  I hope you can find someone to share your pain with, and that you can be patient with yourself as you deal with all of these feelings.  Please know that your ds is finally at peace, and that you did not in any way cause this to happen.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers during this painful time.     Swampped

[js friend]

im so sorry for your loss Louise

[Being Mindful]

Very, very sorry Louise.

[tristesse]

My heart id heavy for you Louise. I am so very sorry for your loss.

[mama72]

Louise,

I am so very sorry for your loss and will keep you in my prayers tonight.

[raytamtay3]

My sincere condolenced. May your son rest in peace. 

[Indie]

Wrapping my arms around you Louise.  Please do not wait to seek help from others who have also suffered the loss of a loved one through suicide.  There are Survivors of Suicide groups around the country.  That group and a loving counselor got me through the suicide of my only sibling 24 years ago.  Please take care of yourself now.

[qcarolr]

Such a great loss  - I am so sorry you have to go through this. You have struggled along with your dear son. Do you have grandkids or any other tie to the daughter-in-law? Perhaps taking a break in contact her would be healthy for you.

Please reach out for support in your community - family, friends, grief counseling/group. Take good care of yourself. Keep coming back - we care. We will listen to understand.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

I'm sorry, louise 716 

I'll be keeping you in my prayers... .

[jellibeans]

louise716

oh how sad... .I am so sorry. At least now you are free of your DIL. Here is a poem I found that I hope will give you some comfort... .

Don't stand beside my grave and weep,

For I'm not there, I do not sleep,

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond's glint on snow,

I am the sunlight on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn's rain.

When you awaken in morning's hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush,

of quiet birds in circle flight,

I am soft stars that shine at night,

Don't stand beside my grave and cry,

I am not there. I did not die.

[DreamGirl]

Louise,

I am so sorry for your loss.

I hope you have a lot of support in these upcoming days. 

Sending you strength and peace.

~DG 

[MammaMia]

Louise

My deepest sympathy to you and your family.

My 40 yo BPDs attempted suicide 5 months ago.  He crashed his vehicle into a brick wall doing 90+ mph.  He survived, and even the surgeons who put him back together said there is no reason he should be alive. His injuries were very serious, and in all likelihood, he will live the rest of his life with physical limitations.

When I asked why he tried to kill himself. He told me it had nothing to do with me, family, friends, or anyone, or anything else. He was just tired of living, and he alone was responsible for this decision.

Suicide survivors should not assume they are responsible. People have many options to remove themselves from bad situations other than death. Ultimately, suicide is a way for them to end their own personal pain, not to punish others. The people they leave behind need to accept the reality of what has happened without all the guilt and blame. Understand that sometimes a reason just does not exist.

I too am so sorry for your loss, and in time, I hope you can learn to forgive, which is the first step in the healing process. God Bless.

[Elbry]

So sorry for your loss.

[louise 716]

Hi everyone,

Your responses were so kind, supportive, and heartwarming.

It's been 7 months since my son died by suicide. Seems like yesterday.  His wife is BPD/n. 

Mother's Day is coming up and I am not looking forward to it.

Thankfully, they had no children and I have had no contact with her for the last 5 months.  There is no reason for us to communicate.

I attend a monthly survivor of suicide group and see a psychologist monthly so I can talk things out.

At my most recent group, the facilitators asked me how I have changed since my son's suicide: One thing is for certain is that I am so aware of the dangers of people with BPD and n.  It is a serious mental health issue.  If you have a choice, get out of your relationship with your BPD.  It won't be easy.  You have people who can be supportive to you.  You have resources.  Life is so much more than life with a BPD. 

Louise

[lbjnltx]

Hi Louise,

I'm glad to see you here.

How are you doing?  Are you taking good care of yourself?

I'm glad you are getting support from SOS.

lbj

[JustAMum]

So sorry to hear about your son. You must be so strong xx

[Kate4queen]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[mggt]

So very very sorry for your loss 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

Louise

I am glad to hear you are getting help.  The loss of a child is devastating and others can only imagine your pain.  Please know we are here for you.  Only by the grace of God, are many of us on this site being spared from the same fate.

You are correct in saying we can never underestimate the potential harm BPD can do to our loved ones and families. It often strikes when least expected, without warning.  There is no one to blame but the disorder itself.

Please take care of yourself. Time stands still with a loss of this magnitude, but eventually courage and strength will prevail and you will move forward with the healing process.  Your son has found peace and he would want the same for you.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

[louise 716]

Good morning,

Thanks for everyone's support.  I appreciate it.

Yesterday I felt overwhelmed and hopeless, but today is a new day.

In terms of taking care of myself - I am trying. Professionals tell me I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, so I guess that's encouraging.

It simply amazes me how pervasive BPD/n is in our society.  DH and I were going over some old conversations the other day and it seems like yesterday when we relive a conversation and DH had said at the time "Well, I think that well, don't you?" My answer started to be, "We'll find out." ... . and we always did. A week, month or months later we would find out what our "infraction" was.

Money: always an issue with BPD/n.  Even planning my son's funeral his wife wanted to know how much we would pay.  We did pay some (or those things would not have happened) but they went so far as to even set up a "GoFundMe" account and "raised" 14,000! Yup. You read that right.  And no, I was not reimbursed for what we had paid.

Violence from the BPD/n: Was always a concern for me ... . especially after she (son's wife) and I had a conversation and she said to me "Well. Just kill her." WHAT? I am thinking. Holy smokes ... . who says that? I didn't even respond.   Violence from her is still is a concern.  While we have not heard from her for several months (thank goodness no children - no need to stay in touch) it does not take much to fan those flames for her so I would not want her to find out certain things from the week after he died. She needs her "fuel" and with my son gone now ... . where is she getting her fuel?  Even my psychologist said I was right to be concerned about eventual harassment.

Social media: They blocked us a long time ago. Now that he is gone, I changed my settings so certain people that I know are still connected to her can't see any new posts on my wall.  Months ago, I untagged most of my old photos and put those settings to "only me."

Oh, the power of a BPD/n.

[lbjnltx]

Hi Louise,

I'm sorry you are still reliving the experiences with your dil.

Working through the past hurts and related damage is difficult, I'm glad you are seeing professionals for help.

I hope there will soon come a time when you decide to take back your power that was given away to your dil.  It is through your own strength and growth that it is possible.



lbj

[MammaMia]

Louise

Food for thought.  Have you ever considered the fact that with your son's passing, you no longer are obligated to deal with your ex-dil? Her ties to your family have been broken. Terminated. 

It sounds as if there have been years of issues, and this may be the time to let them all go... . to make it clear that your relationship is over. If there are legal matters that require your input, do it quickly and calmly, preferably through an attorney, and if she harasses or threatens you, involve law enforcement.

Change your mindset and put your ex-dil and her behavior in the past then firmly close the door.  Focus on remembering your son.