when does the emptiness subside ?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Seven months out intellectually I realise my x on many levels was not suitable as a partner however on an emotional level I still crave her

I'm in therapy , I'm training again , studying for a possible promotion saying yes to all new opportunities and activities seeing a girl "as a friend"

But none of this seems to fix the feeling of total emptiness inside I realise this is something that was there before I met my xBPDgf and goes back to my foo

But I cant seem to do or feel anything to fill the space now she has gone other women just don't do it for me for various reasons perhaps I've not met the right one more than likely I need to get my own house in order first anyway

I'm just wondering if anyone else felt / feels like this and if so what did / do you do to heal ?

[dobie]

Seven months out intellectually I realise my x on many levels was not suitable as a partner however on an emotional level I still crave her

I'm in therapy , I'm training again , studying for a possible promotion saying yes to all new opportunities and activities seeing a girl "as a friend"

But none of this seems to fix the feeling of total emptiness inside I realise this is something that was there before I met my xBPDgf and goes back to my foo

But I cant seem to do or feel anything to fill the space now she has gone other women just don't do it for me for various reasons perhaps I've not met the right one more than likely I need to get my own house in order first anyway

I'm just wondering if anyone else felt / feels like this and if so what did / do you do to heal ?

[Infared]

Jeeeez Dobie... .seems like you are doing an awful lot "right"... .maybe it will just take more time to heal and to grieve the loss. You are certainly doing everything that you can to move forward.  Just keep going... .it gets better.

[Tay25]

I am also still dealing with this "emptiness" inside which to me seems more of a self esteem wound. It may be the same for you, are you really craving her? or what you had with her? Our feelings stem deep and its important to find the true source. Your ex may have had similar traits to one of your parents and unconsciously you had a hope that through her you could get the affection and unconditional love you never/rarely had.

I can share something I have learned about myself that may help you.

As a child my father was an alcoholic, therefore putting his needs before mine. I learned that there was nothing I could do to get the affection I needed from him. Although I did learn that by tending to the needs of others I was able to feel a sense of self-worth by feeling needed.

So what I think is that you and I both, feel this emptiness from not being needed. Our ex's depended on us for so long and then harshly rejected us and this is a huge cut to our ego since we trained ourselves to feel good and happy when we are providing for someone or taking care of someone. We can even feel bad sometimes for putting ourselves first!

I suggest looking deep into your relationship to figure out why you were so attracted to this person, I know I was because she was immature and childish. I had to grow up fast and in some ways my childhood was robbed from me. Being around someone who portrays/acts childish is attractive for me because it's something I am missing from myself.

If there is one important thing I have learned from my T it is that we are attracted to people who have what we don't.

[dobie]

I am also still dealing with this "emptiness" inside which to me seems more of a self esteem wound. It may be the same for you, are you really craving her? or what you had with her? Our feelings stem deep and its important to find the true source. Your ex may have had similar traits to one of your parents and unconsciously you had a hope that through her you could get the affection and unconditional love you never/rarely had.

I can share something I have learned about myself that may help you.

As a child my father was an alcoholic, therefore putting his needs before mine. I learned that there was nothing I could do to get the affection I needed from him. Although I did learn that by tending to the needs of others I was able to feel a sense of self-worth by feeling needed.

So what I think is that you and I both, feel this emptiness from not being needed. Our ex's depended on us for so long and then harshly rejected us and this is a huge cut to our ego since we trained ourselves to feel good and happy when we are providing for someone or taking care of someone. We can even feel bad sometimes for putting ourselves first!

I suggest looking deep into your relationship to figure out why you were so attracted to this person, I know I was because she was immature and childish. I had to grow up fast and in some ways my childhood was robbed from me. Being around someone who portrays/acts childish is attractive for me because it's something I am missing from myself.

If there is one important thing I have learned from my T it is that we are attracted to people who have what we don't.

Thanks Tay She is uber successful professionaly I'm not but she never was when we first started dating for me it was the adulation the idealization and the fact she loved all my ideas and interests .

Yes self esteem has taken a huge hit due to my already low self esteem and her devaluation and contempt

That thing about unconditional love is what my T said , she is like my mother in her morose hardly smiling dysrythmia and my father in his passive aggression but that's it my mother is not clingy nor does she need soothing she is reserved and self sufficient .

I honestly don't know what she has that I don't apart from the carer but I never cared about that and when I met her she was not a senior banking exec

I think it was mainly the worship especially for my ideas she understood me  the fact I was needed plus she was younger , smart and hot

I am immature I'm working on it in therapy but she takes the cake my T said it was because she allowed me to "rage" and keep an angry part of me alive that child in me .


The madness of this is all is that from day one I felt something was "off" with her something just didn't feel right I never felt completely engaged with her I realise now I was probably being pragmatic and enjoyed the fact she adored me while I kept her at an emotional distance .

Even up until the near the BU when she would say "I've always felt we were meant to be " I'd think I'm not sure or feel weirded out .

It was like I started to convince myself like an accountant that from day one her "balance sheet added up" so I should be with her but never really was as the years passed I out so much time & energy into us my investment was leveraged to the max I still can't to this very second work out if I was ever "in love with her " or "I just loved her" or maybe both at times or if I just needed her .

I spent six years trying to work that out I still have not got it figured


I know if some much hotter  more awesome girl came along now I would not think about her apart from to think "how dare you devalue me" .

[dobie]

Jeeeez Dobie... .seems like you are doing an awful lot "right"... .maybe it will just take more time to heal and to grieve the loss. You are certainly doing everything that you can to move forward.  Just keep going... .it gets better.

Needs to bro this is getting boring now  

[Infared]

Jeeeez Dobie... .seems like you are doing an awful lot "right"... .maybe it will just take more time to heal and to grieve the loss. You are certainly doing everything that you can to move forward.  Just keep going... .it gets better.

Needs to bro this is getting boring now  

My self esteem took a giant hit, too... .my ex discarded me for a good looking guy (who is as sick or sicker than her), ran out of our home and said some really mean, mean things to me (of course while being propped up by new sick supply) I was hurting just losing her, I thought she was my best friend, but the things she said and the cruel things he and she did were so uncalled for and totally sick & immature... .iIt REALLY hurt, though... .but like you I went to therapy and I even went to group therapy and got deeply involved in a self help group as well.

I got out of the fog and when the mist cleared, I can say I really like me and her treating me the way she did is so, so her loss. I was a really good person to her and I loved her. She chose to ruin all that.  I was a good guy then and I am a good guy now... .and after digesting how she treated me and the men before me and her actions  while discarding me and after just make it so clear to me that what she has to say about me holds no meaning to me at all. I don't care what she thinks or has to say. I am a good, hard-working, honest, faithful, trustworthy person. I love me and I don't care if she does or not.  It has gotten a lot better with self examination and time. It will for you too.

[boatman]

Hi dobie-

What does the emptiness feel like in your body? Where do you feel it? What line of thinking or story surrounds/accompanies the feeling? Is it possible for you to notice these things separately? It may be helpful.

[dobie]

Hi dobie-

What does the emptiness feel like in your body? Where do you feel it? What line of thinking or story surrounds/accompanies the feeling? Is it possible for you to notice these things separately? It may be helpful.

Chest and a feeling of being lost

[going places]

Seven months out intellectually I realise my x on many levels was not suitable as a partner however on an emotional level I still crave her

Divorced 1 year, June 15. NO visual contact for 11 months.

I stopped "craving him" about the 6 month mark (of not seeing him)

I am FULLY aware that 'we' will never be. For a long time, that destroyed me.

Now, it brings me relief... .

I'm in therapy , I'm training again , studying for a possible promotion saying yes to all new opportunities and activities seeing a girl "as a friend"

I saw an advocate, and did some group time at the same facility. They were life savers.

I did not have a circle of friends... .I gutted this one out.

The kids and I have a motto "we'll figure it out, we always do".

Dating is not even on the radar for me... .

But none of this seems to fix the feeling of total emptiness inside I realise this is something that was there before I met my xBPDgf and goes back to my foo

For me? God said "it is not good for man to be alone"... .and I see why.

I do not like to be alone. I do feel a bit 'incomplete'... .but I was married for 25 years, so... .

I don't have the emptyness like I used too but I do have a longing for human contact... .

But I cant seem to do or feel anything to fill the space now she has gone other women just don't do it for me for various reasons perhaps I've not met the right one more than likely I need to get my own house in order first anyway

I'm just wondering if anyone else felt / feels like this and if so what did / do you do to heal ?

I am getting my house in order first, that's why I do not date... .well, and because no one asks. HA HA

What I am doing to heal?

Tossing out the 'old book' and starting a new one.

Moving from the midwest to S. Florida.

New house, new job, new state, new everything.

I have set goals: Be a home owner, be a business owner... .give back to my community, live simply.

Love deeply, smile often and be at Peace.

I took my focus off the ex and put it on me and my goals.

When I 'think or focus' too much (really at all) on the ex... .I can feel the life drain out of me.

And that's a sure sign that focusing on the ex, what he did, etc. is the WRONG focus... .

[Trog]

I described this empty feeling last week to my therapist. Many codependents or those caretaker types who get involved with BpD have a distorted sense of self or low self esteem. For me, it comes from abandonment fears and abuses in my childhood, I was often alone as a child and moved from place to place and my core, the place from which im meant to feel whole, was ripped open badly by the BPD relationship. It replayed childhood pain and amplified it. I know this empty feeling and it's not just a case of 'doing' to patch it up (though it's an important part of it as we develop a sense of self from doing) but if you have a therapist and feel strong enough to do the work there maybe some issues around similar subjects for you too.

[dobie]

Hi dobie-

What does the emptiness feel like in your body? Where do you feel it? What line of thinking or story surrounds/accompanies the feeling? Is it possible for you to notice these things separately? It may be helpful.

Chest and a feeling of being lost and a loser

Feel like I've lost my future and role in life as a partner , carer , dad to my dog future provider father husband etc

[dobie]

I described this empty feeling last week to my therapist. Many codependents or those caretaker types who get involved with BpD have a distorted sense of self or low self esteem. For me, it comes from abandonment fears and abuses in my childhood, I was often alone as a child and moved from place to place and my core, the place from which im meant to feel whole, was ripped open badly by the BPD relationship. It replayed childhood pain and amplified it. I know this empty feeling and it's not just a case of 'doing' to patch it up (though it's an important part of it as we develop a sense of self from doing) but if you have a therapist and feel strong enough to do the work there maybe some issues around similar subjects for you too.

My T said I was dependent I know in my past r/s I was the taker rather than the giver

Yes Trog my foo was screwed up as well mate an emotionally autistic mother , depressed and not very affectionate , critical highly stressed and morose and a father I barely saw .

I was blamed and criticised as a child more than I can remember being ever praised or loved

That or she was just quiet and disengaged I just want this damm feeling to stop its almost constant I'm seven months out ffs

[dobie]

Jeeeez Dobie... .seems like you are doing an awful lot "right"... .maybe it will just take more time to heal and to grieve the loss. You are certainly doing everything that you can to move forward.  Just keep going... .it gets better.

Needs to bro this is getting boring now  

My self esteem took a giant hit, too... .my ex discarded me for a good looking guy (who is as sick or sicker than her), ran out of our home and said some really mean, mean things to me (of course while being propped up by new sick supply) I was hurting just losing her, I thought she was my best friend, but the things she said and the cruel things he and she did were so uncalled for and totally sick & immature... .iIt REALLY hurt, though... .but like you I went to therapy and I even went to group therapy and got deeply involved in a self help group as well.

I got out of the fog and when the mist cleared, I can say I really like me and her treating me the way she did is so, so her loss. I was a really good person to her and I loved her. She chose to ruin all that.  I was a good guy then and I am a good guy now... .and after digesting how she treated me and the men before me and her actions  while discarding me and after just make it so clear to me that what she has to say about me holds no meaning to me at all. I don't care what she thinks or has to say. I am a good, hard-working, honest, faithful, trustworthy person. I love me and I don't care if she does or not.  It has gotten a lot better with self examination and time. It will for you too.

That's great you got to that point infrared I hope I can join you soon buddy 

[dobie]

Seven months out intellectually I realise my x on many levels was not suitable as a partner however on an emotional level I still crave her

Divorced 1 year, June 15. NO visual contact for 11 months.

I stopped "craving him" about the 6 month mark (of not seeing him)

I am FULLY aware that 'we' will never be. For a long time, that destroyed me.

Now, it brings me relief... .

I'm in therapy , I'm training again , studying for a possible promotion saying yes to all new opportunities and activities seeing a girl "as a friend"

I saw an advocate, and did some group time at the same facility. They were life savers.

I did not have a circle of friends... .I gutted this one out.

The kids and I have a motto "we'll figure it out, we always do".

Dating is not even on the radar for me... .

But none of this seems to fix the feeling of total emptiness inside I realise this is something that was there before I met my xBPDgf and goes back to my foo

For me? God said "it is not good for man to be alone"... .and I see why.

I do not like to be alone. I do feel a bit 'incomplete'... .but I was married for 25 years, so... .

I don't have the emptyness like I used too but I do have a longing for human contact... .

But I cant seem to do or feel anything to fill the space now she has gone other women just don't do it for me for various reasons perhaps I've not met the right one more than likely I need to get my own house in order first anyway

I'm just wondering if anyone else felt / feels like this and if so what did / do you do to heal ?

I am getting my house in order first, that's why I do not date... .well, and because no one asks. HA HA

What I am doing to heal?

Tossing out the 'old book' and starting a new one.

Moving from the midwest to S. Florida.

New house, new job, new state, new everything.

I have set goals: Be a home owner, be a business owner... .give back to my community, live simply.

Love deeply, smile often and be at Peace.

I took my focus off the ex and put it on me and my goals.

When I 'think or focus' too much (really at all) on the ex... .I can feel the life drain out of me.

And that's a sure sign that focusing on the ex, what he did, etc. is the WRONG focus... .

That's so inspirational thanks for sharing "going places" yes the focus needs to be on me that's so true

[Trog]

I described this empty feeling last week to my therapist. Many codependents or those caretaker types who get involved with BpD have a distorted sense of self or low self esteem. For me, it comes from abandonment fears and abuses in my childhood, I was often alone as a child and moved from place to place and my core, the place from which im meant to feel whole, was ripped open badly by the BPD relationship. It replayed childhood pain and amplified it. I know this empty feeling and it's not just a case of 'doing' to patch it up (though it's an important part of it as we develop a sense of self from doing) but if you have a therapist and feel strong enough to do the work there maybe some issues around similar subjects for you too.

My T said I was dependent I know in my past r/s I was the taker rather than the giver

Yes Trog my foo was screwed up as well mate an emotionally autistic mother , depressed and not very affectionate , critical highly stressed and morose and a father I barely saw .

I was blamed and criticised as a child more than I can remember being ever praised or loved

That or she was just quiet and disengaged I just want this damm feeling to stop its almost constant I'm seven months out ffs

Ok, so great, you're working with your T to identify where this emptiness is coming from. I found I've always had a dull feeling of emptiness but I could manage it fine, it showed up in low self esteem and difficulty/shyness around women, but it wasn't crippling, when I left my ex, it was crippling.

I felt my ex didn't love me and slowly suspected she never did, this would be the feeling from childhood, not getting attention and always having to be the golden child to get love, constant people pleasing, it leaves you not knowing who you are and what you want.

Now the doing bit comes in. I have to make myself, and maybe this will help you, my own pet project. Spend time doing every little thing I like, explore the world and see who I am, explore my feelings, wants and desires and then actually give life to them. Today I went on a dinghy sailing course, something it'd never do with ex around as I had no life or hobbies, wasn't permitted to grow. And step after step, the hole will begin to close, you feel pride in yourself, you're doing things for you, you don't feel like a hopeless loser! You become a rounded person and when love comes around again, you have something to offer and don't get enmeshed and lose yourself totally if the relationship ends.

What does your T say about your feelings of emptiness?

[dobie]

I described this empty feeling last week to my therapist. Many codependents or those caretaker types who get involved with BpD have a distorted sense of self or low self esteem. For me, it comes from abandonment fears and abuses in my childhood, I was often alone as a child and moved from place to place and my core, the place from which im meant to feel whole, was ripped open badly by the BPD relationship. It replayed childhood pain and amplified it. I know this empty feeling and it's not just a case of 'doing' to patch it up (though it's an important part of it as we develop a sense of self from doing) but if you have a therapist and feel strong enough to do the work there maybe some issues around similar subjects for you too.

My T said I was dependent I know in my past r/s I was the taker rather than the giver

Yes Trog my foo was screwed up as well mate an emotionally autistic mother , depressed and not very affectionate , critical highly stressed and morose and a father I barely saw .

I was blamed and criticised as a child more than I can remember being ever praised or loved

That or she was just quiet and disengaged I just want this damm feeling to stop its almost constant I'm seven months out ffs

Ok, so great, you're working with your T to identify where this emptiness is coming from. I found I've always had a dull feeling of emptiness but I could manage it fine, it showed up in low self esteem and difficulty/shyness around women, but it wasn't crippling, when I left my ex, it was crippling.

I felt my ex didn't love me and slowly suspected she never did, this would be the feeling from childhood, not getting attention and always having to be the golden child to get love, constant people pleasing, it leaves you not knowing who you are and what you want.

Now the doing bit comes in. I have to make myself, and maybe this will help you, my own pet project. Spend time doing every little thing I like, explore the world and see who I am, explore my feelings, wants and desires and then actually give life to them. Today I went on a dinghy sailing course, something it'd never do with ex around as I had no life or hobbies, wasn't permitted to grow. And step after step, the hole will begin to close, you feel pride in yourself, you're doing things for you, you don't feel like a hopeless loser! You become a rounded person and when love comes around again, you have something to offer and don't get enmeshed and lose yourself totally if the relationship ends.

What does your T say about your feelings of emptiness?

Childhood core wound lack of self esteem failure from primary caregivers to give me what I needed to be happy , healthy and whole

If you met me you would never guess I have low self esteem I act self assured and confident not shy around women at all but its an act deep down and my xBPD sniffed it out activated it and trashed me because of it I have feelings of dependency and low self worth .

She fell in love with my false self the real me was vulnerable and that she could not tolerate .