Wandering the desert

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So today I officially hit 40 days of "true" N/C. By true, I mean no FB lurking, no stalking Craigslist for her posts, no drive by, no nothing. Oddly, yesterday at day 39 I almost cracked and was already thinking up of a good reason to call or send an email. Had my first crying spell in a long while. She is blocked on phone from texts/calls and email account deletes any of her know email addys so I will have no real clue if she's made contact. This is the longest period of total radio silence between her and I. In the almost 3 yrs together and multiple recycles there was always some sort of ball being hit over the net and eventually she or I would hit the ball back even during periods that we were broken up. I see many of the posts here and know there are members here that are at over 100, 200 or 300+ so I know 40 days is a drop in the bucket and I have a long way to go. The only real difference at this moment is that I truly feel in Control this time. Maybe not entirely over my Emotions, but I am the Decision Maker. In the past all the gears, the decisions to get together, how long we would be together, my emotional reactions were all tied to her. I was a Pavlov lap dog that was on her short leash of when she would feed me her attentions, pat me on the head, decide to take me for a walk or kick me in the ribs. I was a slave to her moods, wants and needs.

However, for me this is a significant milestone. I am of Jewish decent and without offending anyone of their religious beliefs, agnostic or atheistic stance, the number 40, as in 40 days and 40 nights, is very significant both in Old and New Testaments. Moses spent 40 days/nights in desert before he found his new home, 40 days/nights on Mount Sinai, it rained 40 days/nights as Noah rode out the floods and Jesus was tempted for 40 days/nights while wandering the desert. There are more examples, but the number 40 seems to be important. How important it is to me is still in the works.

I am still in love with this dysfunctional woman, but I know she's incapable of giving me anything I really need. There is an abundance of intimacy, but the cost for that touch and great loving are lies, orbitors and X's always on alert for her to snap her fingers, deception and psychological warfare to the extreme of silent treatments, devaluation and verbal abuse. So, I am at cross roads in a way. I've walked to far to go back, yet there's this part of me that wants her embrace even if it's for a mere 40 seconds. For those of you just starting your journey from day one, 7 or 15 days know that 40 days can be done as long as you're committed to 100% N/C. You cant allow for any triggers such as pictures, old emails, FB lurking or stalking, etc. No, I am no expert dispensing advice, but I have not been able to do this before and thus far it's working. For those that are past 60 days and up, you give me encouragement knowing that I can do another 40. I thank God for this place. Group cyber hug to all and let's keep encouraging each other!

[dagwoodbowser]

So today I officially hit 40 days of "true" N/C. By true, I mean no FB lurking, no stalking Craigslist for her posts, no drive by, no nothing. Oddly, yesterday at day 39 I almost cracked and was already thinking up of a good reason to call or send an email. Had my first crying spell in a long while. She is blocked on phone from texts/calls and email account deletes any of her know email addys so I will have no real clue if she's made contact. This is the longest period of total radio silence between her and I. In the almost 3 yrs together and multiple recycles there was always some sort of ball being hit over the net and eventually she or I would hit the ball back even during periods that we were broken up. I see many of the posts here and know there are members here that are at over 100, 200 or 300+ so I know 40 days is a drop in the bucket and I have a long way to go. The only real difference at this moment is that I truly feel in Control this time. Maybe not entirely over my Emotions, but I am the Decision Maker. In the past all the gears, the decisions to get together, how long we would be together, my emotional reactions were all tied to her. I was a Pavlov lap dog that was on her short leash of when she would feed me her attentions, pat me on the head, decide to take me for a walk or kick me in the ribs. I was a slave to her moods, wants and needs.

However, for me this is a significant milestone. I am of Jewish decent and without offending anyone of their religious beliefs, agnostic or atheistic stance, the number 40, as in 40 days and 40 nights, is very significant both in Old and New Testaments. Moses spent 40 days/nights in desert before he found his new home, 40 days/nights on Mount Sinai, it rained 40 days/nights as Noah rode out the floods and Jesus was tempted for 40 days/nights while wandering the desert. There are more examples, but the number 40 seems to be important. How important it is to me is still in the works.

I am still in love with this dysfunctional woman, but I know she's incapable of giving me anything I really need. There is an abundance of intimacy, but the cost for that touch and great loving are lies, orbitors and X's always on alert for her to snap her fingers, deception and psychological warfare to the extreme of silent treatments, devaluation and verbal abuse. So, I am at cross roads in a way. I've walked to far to go back, yet there's this part of me that wants her embrace even if it's for a mere 40 seconds. For those of you just starting your journey from day one, 7 or 15 days know that 40 days can be done as long as you're committed to 100% N/C. You cant allow for any triggers such as pictures, old emails, FB lurking or stalking, etc. No, I am no expert dispensing advice, but I have not been able to do this before and thus far it's working. For those that are past 60 days and up, you give me encouragement knowing that I can do another 40. I thank God for this place. Group cyber hug to all and let's keep encouraging each other!

[Mutt]

Hi dagwoodbowser,

Bravo you hit a 40 day milestone without triggers from pictures and emails or lurking on social media  

If you work on the importance with the number 40 for you, I'd like to hear more of it in Personal Inventory.

Here's to another 40  

We're here for you.

----Mutt

[myself]

Good for you, dagwood. Here's to another 40, and then another... . Those first few months are the hardest, when the FOG and pain are thickest and the day to day changes most apparent. It's been a year and a half for me, I still have days when it feels like I'm in the desert, often just for a few moments though. As I have, you may find yourself at an oasis here and there, able to take a rest from things before continuing on. Appreciate those times, and keep believing in yourself for a better journey. Time and effort, self reflection, and choosing peace are what helped me most. What about you?

[dagwoodbowser]

Mutt: Thank you kind Sir. Personal Inventory? Apologies but not sure what you're speaking of.

myself: Awesome to hear above your Recovery. Interesting you should ask me this as well as you mentioning choosing Peace. I was recently asked what I would look for in my next relationship and right away I said I wanted to be with a person that would allow me to experience Joy, Love and Peace. I am basically a chill, mellow guy and in soo many instances I was a prolific "soother" for my BPDx. There were many times I could get her to unwind and we could be in a quite calmness where we would simply relax together listening to our mutual likes in music. At some point, she would pick a fight cause I guess the stillness made her uncomfortable. We lived together an entire year without issues or conflict and she actually broke up with me the first time because she told me she was "bored." Now that some stillness gradually returns to my Spirit, my left hand and arm that went partially numb from TIA(transient ischemic attack) warning stroke I experienced are returning to normal, blood pressure normal and the 20 plus pounds I lost are slowly coming back on. So, like you I choose and want Peace

[Lucky Jim]

Hey dagwood, I'm confident that you can find joy, love and peace in a r/s, but not with your BPDx.  As you note, "at some point, she would pick a fight."  I had the same experience.  No matter how good things were going, my BPDxW would goad and bully me to create a confrontation, in order to meet her inner need for an emotional reaction.  A BPD storm cloud could appear out of a clear blue sky.  I view the return of feeling to your arm and low blood pressure as positive signs that your body is healing.  Wandering 40 days in the N/C desert seems to be working wonders for you.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Mutt: Thank you kind Sir. Personal Inventory? Apologies but not sure what you're speaking of.

Not a problem.

Personal Inventory and Self-awareness

Personal inventory is to dig through our own stuff and not the r/s postmortem and the pwBPD in our lives.