Doctor issues

[Eco]

This is more of a rant then anything else.

I had my daughter this weekend and we had a great weekend , on sunday afternoon she started feeling warm but didn't have a high temp 99. I took her home and told my ex that she didn't start feeling warm until sunday after noon and that she didn't have a fever and that she should keep an eye on it , me and my ex have been getting along for the past 2 weeks and its been nice to not have to deal with a nasty person.

well the real her showed up today and reminded me of why I don't want to be with this person, I was supposed to get my daughter today ( its a extra day one that isn't in the court order and one that my ex is letting me have) but my ex texted me and said " ecos daughter wont be at daycare , she will be home with me today because she has pneumonia "  I asked my ex when she took her to the dr and she said " first thing yesterday morning, you should have taken her to the dr on Saturday"

I texted back to my ex that she didn't start feeling warm until sunday afternoon like I said and could you please tell me sooner next time.

well my ex went off on me calling me a liar and said that I said she was feeling warm on Saturday. I was furious at first but then it dawned on me that all she is trying to do is make up a story that I lied to deflect the fact that she waited a whole day to let me know our daughter had pneumonia. I called my ex out on this and let her know It wasn't going to work because I know what I told her, I told her that I was sorry if she heard something else and that I wasn't going to argue anymore with her about it. I also reminded her to please tell me sooner in the future.

In the past I would have kept the cycle going and continued to argue the facts with her, one thing that makes her story look so flimsy is the fact that my ex said I should have taken our daughter to the dr on Saturday but she waited till Monday morning to take her to the dr after getting her back on Sunday. My ex is deflecting and its plain as day.

Im so mad right now, I really thought it was starting to get better between us and the roller coaster was done and we could at least co parent. but here I am again sick to my stomach, nervous and worried how my ex will get back at me through my daughter.  I hate to say it but people like her should not be allowed in the general public  

[livednlearned]

It's hard, Eco. I'm sorry your ex is reacting to your D's health like this. I noticed my ex dysregulated when S13 was sick, and the accusations and insults would fly. Your ex doesn't know how to process her fears in a healthy way, so when she is afraid, she will act like this. Not that this makes it any better, or excuse how she acts, just that it is how it is.

Do you know for sure that D has pneumonia?

[Panda39]

It's hard, Eco. I'm sorry your ex is reacting to your D's health like this. I noticed my ex dysregulated when S13 was sick, and the accusations and insults would fly. Your ex doesn't know how to process her fears in a healthy way, so when she is afraid, she will act like this. Not that this makes it any better, or excuse how she acts, just that it is how it is.

Do you know for sure that D has pneumonia?

Yep sounds familiar to me too.  Call your daughter's doctor and get the facts.

[bravhart1]

This sounds very familiar. Our BPDm did something very similar regarding a rash. She went as far as taking photos, then waiting till three days later to request emergency dr appt for rash, then used it as a way to say we should have taken kiddo to dr three days earlier, only rash was almost gone by then. It was obviously very manipulated.

I'm not sure why but we have had issues around this dr thing a few times, like BPDm asking for dr appts for a cold, and acting like its life or death. When we don't comply it's because we are negligent or uncaring. Makes me wonder if the fear of something actually being wrong with kiddo and the opportunity to get "proof" from a dr.  That we are the bad parents and not them, Makes them lose all reason?

Glad you didn't fall down that rabbit hole with her on taking the blame and getting into her accusations. It's not easy. I look at every email now like an offer, (weirdly put the image of the witch from Snow White offering the poison apple, but that's me ) and I decide if I will accept the offer and take the apple or if I will reject it and leave it in her hands. Seems to be working

If I take it I have to own it and follow it through, if I reject it as clearly poison, she has to keep it and figure out how to rid herself of it, not my problem.

We are working with kiddo on this too, not having to believe every idea that mom says, as fact. Moms ideas are hers until we choose to decide that we are going to make them ours, she seems to get this, as well as that moms ideas are sometimes not based in fact, but feelings which can be based on the wrong thing. We have been able to show kiddo how she might "jump to conclusions" and get the wrong feeling and that we must weigh it before choosing. Always a process!

Hope your daughter is better!

[Sunfl0wer]

I'm not sure why but we have had issues around this dr thing a few times, like BPDm asking for dr appts for a cold, and acting like its life or death. When we don't comply it's because we are negligent or uncaring. Makes me wonder if the fear of something actually being wrong with kiddo and the opportunity to get "proof" from a dr.  That we are the bad parents and not them, Makes them lose all reason?

I think it is natural for us as parents, to have doubts about our parenting.  We compare, question if we should have done x instead of z.  It is natural to have these feelings as we want what is best for our kids.

I think that as the BPD person also has these feelings, however, they cannot contain them and integrate and accept them the way non's do.  Therefore what are their own, natural parenting doubts, end up being projected outside of them?

[Turkish]

It's hard, Eco. I'm sorry your ex is reacting to your D's health like this. I noticed my ex dysregulated when S13 was sick, and the accusations and insults would fly. Your ex doesn't know how to process her fears in a healthy way, so when she is afraid, she will act like this. Not that this makes it any better, or excuse how she acts, just that it is how it is.

Do you know for sure that D has pneumonia?

Yep sounds familiar to me too.  Call your daughter's doctor and get the facts.

Second this. It's good that you noted her temp. My ex, having Hermit anxiety from her mom, used to go with the "he or she has a fever." I would ask, "what was the temp?" The reply, "I don't know, but she felt warm." I would respond, "The first thing that the doctor or help line nurse will ask is for a number. Buy a thermometer and note her temp."

I said it in a nice way, and it took a while to "train" her to be on board with 21st Century medicine, but it worked. Your Ex sounds more dysregulated, though. If your D had pneumonia, you probably would have noticed her having trouble breathing, or being listless. Verify with the doc, and document it. Keep a medical log.

99F isn't a fever, but if your D has teeth still coming in, then she could get sudden onset mild fevers. It's normal.

[livednlearned]

Therefore what are their own, natural parenting doubts, end up being projected outside of them?

I think this is it exactly, Sunfl0wer.

If you read pwBPD describe the degree of emotional wreckage inside them, and how turbulent things are, it helps make some sense out of what is mostly nonsensical reactions to their own emotional states.

My ex had his appendix out when he was a kid (his parent's fault  ). S13 was in pain one night, so I called the nurse to see if it was possibly appendicitis. N/BPDx raged at me that night, and had some kind of psychotic/manic episode where he was up all night baking pies, constantly waking me up to yell at me about how he could have died, how our son could die, did I know anything about how painful it was to go through what he did, how could I sleep and not care blah blah blah.

The nurse said if S didn't have a fever, it was probably gas. And that's exactly what it turned out to be. I got S up on his knees and he farted like a champ    

People with BPD take a long time to return to baseline, so even though S was sleeping and felt better, N/BPDx was still dysregulating.

The crappy thing is that BPD parents then tell the kids, "Your mom didn't care that you had appendicitis and almost died. She sat on the couch and watched TV while you were doubled up in pain. I stayed up all night to make sure you were ok." And if you have an active custody case, then the BPD person tells the judge, "Blah blah blah almost killed our child neglect neglect bad parent."

Eco, you will have to work harder than many parents (who do not have BPD exes) to feel confident in your parenting. You did the right thing with your D. If you are ever in doubt, you can always call a nurse. My ex did not attend one doctor's appointment. Not one. But I really took on his blame and had this complex that I was somehow not doing a good job -- he already raised a son, so I figured he had a clue.

I do think we -- the non BPD parents -- have to be a little extra vigilant about documenting heath issues, and err on the side of checking in with nurses/doctors more than usual. But that can be as simple as making a phone call to the local nurse hotline.

[Eco]

Thanks everyone for the support

I noticed my ex dysregulated when S13 was sick, and the accusations and insults would fly. Your ex doesn't know how to process her fears in a healthy way, so when she is afraid, she will act like this

Yep, I really hate this disorder

Do you know for sure that D has pneumonia?

yes I called the dr and she has a mild case

Glad you didn't fall down that rabbit hole with her on taking the blame and getting into her accusations. It's not easy. I look at every email now like an offer, (weirdly put the image of the witch from Snow White offering the poison apple, but that's me ) and I decide if I will accept the offer and take the apple or if I will reject it and leave it in her hands. Seems to be working

I like that analogy, it definitely is like poison

Therefore what are their own, natural parenting doubts, end up being projected outside of them?

sounds about right

Second this. It's good that you noted her temp. My ex, having Hermit anxiety from her mom, used to go with the "he or she has a fever." I would ask, "what was the temp?" The reply, "I don't know, but she felt warm." I would respond, "The first thing that the doctor or help line nurse will ask is for a number. Buy a thermometer and note her temp."

I said it in a nice way, and it took a while to "train" her to be on board with 21st Century medicine, but it worked. Your Ex sounds more dysregulated, though. If your D had pneumonia, you probably would have noticed her having trouble breathing, or being listless. Verify with the doc, and document it. Keep a medical log.

yes when my ex dysregulates its on a epic scale unfortunately. My ex is over the top on everything so im surprised she didn't ask for a official document with proof that I took my daughters temp. I think next time im going to record the whole temp taking process, SMH

My ex had his appendix out when he was a kid (his parent's fault  rolleyes). S13 was in pain one night, so I called the nurse to see if it was possibly appendicitis. N/BPDx raged at me that night, and had some kind of psychotic/manic episode where he was up all night baking pies, constantly waking me up to yell at me about how he could have died, how our son could die, did I know anything about how painful it was to go through what he did, how could I sleep and not care blah blah blah

Yikes that sounds eerily similar to something my ex would do.

People with BPD take a long time to return to baseline, so even though S was sleeping and felt better, N/BPDx was still dysregulating.

It takes days for her to return to baseline

The crappy thing is that BPD parents then tell the kids, "Your mom didn't care that you had appendicitis and almost died. She sat on the couch and watched TV while you were doubled up in pain. I stayed up all night to make sure you were ok." And if you have an active custody case, then the BPD person tells the judge, "Blah blah blah almost killed our child neglect neglect bad parent."

Yeah that's the part that bothers me the most.

Eco, you will have to work harder than many parents (who do not have BPD exes) to feel confident in your parenting. You did the right thing with your D. If you are ever in doubt, you can always call a nurse. My ex did not attend one doctor's appointment. Not one. But I really took on his blame and had this complex that I was somehow not doing a good job -- he already raised a son, so I figured he had a clue.

I do think we -- the non BPD parents -- have to be a little extra vigilant about documenting heath issues, and err on the side of checking in with nurses/doctors more than usual. But that can be as simple as making a phone call to the local nurse hotline.

I was very confident that I did everything right for my daughter that's why I was so surprised at my ex acting like this today.

[bravhart1]

Problem is when the child believes what the BPD parents says, when they tell them that you don't love them as much or that you don't care as much as the BPD parent because you didn't take  them to the er when kiddo woke up with the sniffles.

This happens a lot and our kiddo is too little to understand its a gross exaggeration. She buys it hook line and sinker. Then she goes around thinking we don't love her as much as mom, and since she spends more time with us, she's always worried.

[rarsweet]

I use a journal with my daughter. I write down everything she eats, I wrote down I noticed her butt got red after she ate zuccinni the first time. I write when she sleeps. No joke I write when she poops, the consistency. I write if she says a new word. When she had an ear infection I wrote down her temps, what time she got meds, etc. I pass the journal to ex every exchange. The goal was to have him write in it too, but he doesn't. Now its just documentation. My mom writes in her own journal when she babysits, even writes if they go to the park, etc. You should think about a journal.

[rarsweet]

And a side perk is I get to read back and remember when she first sat up, said mama, etc. One day I actually did a chart of her naps . I could tell you exactly how many bowel movements she has had with me since she was 2 months old . And I did bring the journal to Dr appointments.

[Eco]

You should think about a journal

I have kept one since my daughter was born, its not quite as extensive as yours but I keep 1 journal for incidents between me and my ex and 1 journal for how I feel about my daughter. A therapist suggested that I keep a journal for the times I tried to see my daughter and my ex denied me and also for the times when I was just missing my daughter. He said that I could show my daughter the journal when she was older to show how important she is to me and how I tried to be involved. I make sure to be sensitive in that journal to not talk bad about my ex or try to point fingers, I stick with facts.

And a side perk is I get to read back and remember when she first sat up, said mama, etc. One day I actually did a chart of her naps . I could tell you exactly how many bowel movements she has had with me since she was 2 months old . And I did bring the journal to Dr appointments.

that's great info to have

[rarsweet]

Yes I have a seperate journal where I log our exchanges and issues with the ex, and the journal where I strictly stick to my daughters activities that I pack in the diaper bag. I remember when she was sick ex asked at the exchange if she was due for meds, I simply said its in the journal. At her Dr appointment the doc asked how she was eating I was able to open the journal to a complete log. Ex stammered when the doc asked him what her temp had been last with him. I was able to look at what I wrote. Yes when she is bigger I will show her log to her.