Do you do this?

[DyingLove]

Every day million and one thoughts run through my mind. Okay that's an understatement.

This morning as I laid in bed, the normal array of thoughts ran through my mind and then some. It's only now that I'm thinking about organizing these thoughts and presenting them right here in this new topic.

First off, my body clock is very accurate. Usually within 8 to 10 minutes. So I'll wake up, as it goes right now close to 6 AM and I'll call the time before I look at my phone. For example this morning when I open my eyes I was thinking just about 6 AM and it was 5:50 AM.

Okay what significance is 6 AM? On a normal morning the X will get up at 6 AM. Before I moved to Florida to be with her I was up early and would text her approximately 6 AM to make sure that should be up and not going to be late for work. She was notorious for sleeping later. On several occasions she was late for work and that's kinda what got me prompted into waking her with the text. Will that all changed when I moved to Florida to live with her, the early morning texts were not necessary, but I did make sure to nudge her as well as prepare her for the day. Hugs, kisses, breakfast, walking her out to the car, making sure she has all her paraphernalia, you name it I was the perfect house husband perfect.

So 6 o'clock this morning rolls around and I'm thinking, okay she should be rolling out of bed about now getting into the shower and getting the nine-year-old ready to go to daycare. When things were good in our relationship and I was still in Florida and in the household there was no need for day care. The child was able to sleep until 8:30 AM and then get ready for school, and then off to the bus we went. So 6 o'clock came around this morning I was up and thinking about it, then tried to fall back asleep which was unsuccessful. So with almost regular intervals of looking at the time I was sort of gauging where she was in the morning time spectrum. I'm also wondering at this point, she waking up with me on her mind? She waking up alone? All these lousy thoughts running through my head and I haven't even gotten out of bed yet. At this point I realized that getting back to sleep is going to be impossible. I reach over and grab my telephone and tune into the BPD family. I start reading one post in particular this morning, by Dobie, I'm not sure exactly of the topic name but it involved him trying to get over the thought of his replacement. That is something that has bothered me for the longest time. I try to erase it from my thoughts by saying her future does not matter to me, she needs to go on with life just as I need to go on with life. The thoughts of someone sleeping on that mattress, that I bought exclusively for us, is enough to make me puke. I have no clue how her routine has changed, there is certainly a lot less in the way of possessions in the house, since I took all my things with me, but this still has to be things laying around that are a direct reminder of me. There has to be! I think about her daily schedule and wonder how she could fit time into that tight schedule to do things or meet people or whatever it is that her life is going to lead her to. Honestly, I spent too much damn time thinking about what was. It makes it very difficult to think about what is.

Okay, onto the parts that really made me write this this morning. In the midst of all my thoughts and those thoughts run amuck, I'm always thinking about the prospect of taking her back into my life. It's a mind boggling thought because there is so many variables involved. Quite often I give the thought up to God and I ask for forgiveness for trying to take control of a situation that I have given him many times already. This is what made this morning different. I envisioned myself working, and out of the blue she walks through the door, our eyes meet, I don't know how to feel and I nearly collapse. She comes over to me, and expresses her love for me and begs me to be in her life again. This happens in front of all my customers. I think about the effort it would take or did take for her to fly to New York from Florida and orchestrate the entire show. I think that if it were to happen it would be the ultimate turnaround that I've ever seen in anyone's life. We've all seen stuff like this on television, but how many of us really see it in our own lives? There was even a point in the daydream that her mother was with her as well as her scumbag brother. Almost like they were all plotting a surprise. At that point I also realize that it wouldn't take anybody else except her to turn everything around and allow us to start our relationship again. It chokes me up just writing this. I asked God often for a similar scenario, but I also tell him that I accept his final wishes because that's what is to be.

One other thing that came to mind this morning, also in the daydream is how the relationship could be compared to the script in the television show or movie. Thinking about all the little things that happened in our relationship, I could probably write a script, of course I'd have to fill in some of the missing pieces that I don't remember but that wouldn't be hard. If I did create a script of our relationship and compare it to that of a movie, maybe I could actually place myself as an actor and realize that when the movie was over it was just time to move on to the next movie. Does that make any sense? Would it actually help anything? When I watch movies on television, and I see a favorite actress and in the movie she sleeps with several people, I look at it from outside the box and it really doesn't upset me. Okay it might get a rise out of me because that is what the intention of the movie is.

So this morning had me going in a lot of different directions. Even as I write this and my mind zooms to thinking about her and what she's doing, it's hard to detach and find some protective mechanism to soothe and ease my mind. I guess I just wanted to share some of this with you, sometimes we can pick bits and pieces out of somebody's experiences and say that it might work for us or just give someone else insight that they might not have thought of. Wishing everybody a wonderful day, I know I'll be back many times.

[Reforming]

Hi Dyinglove  

I'm sorry that you're going through such a tough time.

I've also gone through the early morning ruminations. It's very hard and I wish I knew of a miraculous cure that would make your pain of your loss disappear, but I afraid I don't know of one.

All I can say is that many of us here have experienced the same painful feelings - grieving your loss is healthy and natural.

Right now I think it's really important to try and not judge what you're going through - try to be kind and gentle to yourself.

One of the things that helped me to self soothe was to learn to comfort the vulnerable part of me that feeling very lonely and sad.

In Schema therapy they call this part of you the vulnerable child - connecting with him really helped me to comfort myself. It felt about awkward to begin with, but I've found that written dialogues / conversations between the adult part of me and the little me really helped to soothe me and help me.

Reforming

[DyingLove]

Thank you reforming... .I'll have to read about the vulnerable child.  I appreciate your comment of course, and your sympathy.  It's hard on and off you know.  Happy one minute and then drenched with tears the next.  It's getting better... .but just the fact that it is a sad sad situation is even sadder in itself.  Does that make sense?  Thank you reforming.

[StarOfTheSea]

Hi DL,

What a way to start your day, right? :'( I remember for weeks after the b/u I'd wake up at the same time my x's alarm used to go off. Or wake up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and reach for tp where we used to hang it at our house. I think a lot of it is our bodies and minds have those routines ingrained in us. With time, those automatic thoughts and actions do go away.

I know the ruminating is painful, but the way I see it, it's the mind's way of working through the puzzle of the r/s. For me, there wasn't any getting around it, I had to work through those thoughts. Don't beat yourself up for thinking them. Be good to yourself, you're healing. Let's face it, a b/u is a huge trauma and this type of b/u is even more traumatic.

[DyingLove]

Hi DL,

What a way to start your day, right? :'( I remember for weeks after the b/u I'd wake up at the same time my x's alarm used to go off. Or wake up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and reach for tp where we used to hang it at our house. I think a lot of it is our bodies and minds have those routines ingrained in us. With time, those automatic thoughts and actions do go away.

I know the ruminating is painful, but the way I see it, it's the mind's way of working through the puzzle of the r/s. For me, there wasn't any getting around it, I had to work through those thoughts. Don't beat yourself up for thinking them. Be good to yourself, you're healing. Let's face it, a b/u is a huge trauma and this type of b/u is even more traumatic.

Thank you StarOfTheSea.  That's probably as close to a hug as I'm gonna get from you.  I think I would be the first to buy a ticket to a hug meeting... .sometimes I'm so lost. There's no better way to explain it.  If I could turn the ruminating off, on demand, I might be ok.  Even now, just as my mind slips away from thinking about what I'm typing, I go to the tear department.  This sucks.  I'm 40 day n/c and I wish to God she would knock on the door and say "I'm here!".  Ain't gonna happen... .so why do I beat myself up about it... .crazy right?  I was just talking to a fellow member on the phone a little while ago... .and I was asked a question... .it brought me to tears on the phone... .I hate that.  Why are sometimes ok and other times tear time?  I guess if we had a foolproof way to control sadness, we'd be making bucks up there with the pharmaceutical companies!  Thanks Star.

[StarOfTheSea]

You're welcome! And another hug for good measure .

So here are a bunch of questions: hypothetically, if she did show up on your doorstep, what would happen? Realistically, if she did come back, what would be her real motivation? How would she treat you? Would you really want to go back to that? Remember all the times she made you feel bad, remember those feelings... . is that the way you want to feel every day?

My intention is not to come across as harsh, but when I really thought about how terrible my exBPDbf made feel, it fueled my fire to say "f- that, I deserve to be treated better".

[Mister Brightside]

Before I moved to Florida to be with her I was up early and would text her approximately 6 AM to make sure that should be up and not going to be late for work.

Kind of a random comment from me, but I've noticed a lot of you are from Florida or traveled to Florida to be with your exBPDs. The BPD I know if is from Florida as well (I live nowhere close). What is in the water down there?

[valet]

Thank you reforming... .I'll have to read about the vulnerable child.  I appreciate your comment of course, and your sympathy.  It's hard on and off you know.  Happy one minute and then drenched with tears the next.  It's getting better... .but just the fact that it is a sad sad situation is even sadder in itself.  :)oes that make sense?  Thank you reforming.

I really empathize with your understanding that the situation itself is sad. That's a big step right there, and a really useful insight!

In time, I naturally focused less on the sadness of the situation and started focusing more on myself. Questions I asked myself, and am still in the process of finding answers for were soothing and beneficial. What lead me to this person? Why didn't I do what was best for me? And truly, where was this deep inner pain coming from?

When I began to look back at my ubringing and my own family when I was developing emotionally the pieces started to come together. This knowledge is empowering. It gives us the awareness that although we may not have had much of a choice about how things were in the past, we do have one now and in the future.

I think that you're on the right path. The trees haven't thinned out quite enough yet, but if you keep walking you'll begin to see the sky a bit more.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Before I moved to Florida to be with her I was up early and would text her approximately 6 AM to make sure that should be up and not going to be late for work.

Kind of a random comment from me, but I've noticed a lot of you are from Florida or traveled to Florida to be with your exBPDs. The BPD I know if is from Florida as well (I live nowhere close). What is in the water down there?

Lolol... .just wanted to say... .Florida here too!

[DyingLove]

Before I moved to Florida to be with her I was up early and would text her approximately 6 AM to make sure that should be up and not going to be late for work.

Kind of a random comment from me, but I've noticed a lot of you are from Florida or traveled to Florida to be with your exBPDs. The BPD I know if is from Florida as well (I live nowhere close). What is in the water down there?

HAHAHA

I DID NOT LIKE THE WATER IN FLORIDA.  Zephyrhills was the water of choice, but my fav is Poland Springs which is not as plentiful.  I was told that some water is actually recycled in Florida.  Could you imagine?  YUCK.  I'll stick to my Poland Springs. Plentiful in NY by the way.

[DyingLove]

So here are a bunch of questions: hypothetically, if she did show up on your doorstep, what would happen?

First I'm thinking, she would have to make the effort to make it to NY.  That would show some initiative. It would also show that she was serious about something.

Realistically, if she did come back, what would be her real motivation?

Hopefully her motivation would be me!  Maybe she'll get the needed help and see that she lost something tremendous in her life, maybe not?

How would she treat you? Would you really want to go back to that? Remember all the times she made you feel bad, remember those feelings... . is that the way you want to feel every day?

Maybe it will change. But the fact that she might understood her illness this time around would be a good place to start. I mean, after all, I was in it for better or worse.  Obviously the first time around with me she wasn't.  And NO... .I will never let a woman/gf/wife treat me like that EVER again in my life.



My intention is not to come across as harsh, but when I really thought about how terrible my exBPDbf made feel, it fueled my fire to say "f- that, I deserve to be treated better".



You were not harsh.  Perfectly appropriate.  And yes------> F that!  She didn't deserve me the first time around.  Its obviously her loss... .and someone will thank God for me.

[Deeno02]

So here are a bunch of questions: hypothetically, if she did show up on your doorstep, what would happen?

First I'm thinking, she would have to make the effort to make it to NY.  That would show some initiative. It would also show that she was serious about something.

Realistically, if she did come back, what would be her real motivation?

Hopefully her motivation would be me!  Maybe she'll get the needed help and see that she lost something tremendous in her life, maybe not?

How would she treat you? Would you really want to go back to that? Remember all the times she made you feel bad, remember those feelings... . is that the way you want to feel every day?

Maybe it will change. But the fact that she might understood her illness this time around would be a good place to start. I mean, after all, I was in it for better or worse.  Obviously the first time around with me she wasn't.  And NO... .I will never let a woman/gf/wife treat me like that EVER again in my life.



My intention is not to come across as harsh, but when I really thought about how terrible my exBPDbf made feel, it fueled my fire to say "f- that, I deserve to be treated better".



You were not harsh.  Perfectly appropriate.  And yes------> F that!  She didn't deserve me the first time around.  Its obviously her loss... .and someone will thank God for me.

Been 8 months for me. Still difficult at times, especially of recent when I have to see her as she coaches my son. But you are so right. It is her loss. Totally 100% her loss.