Just arrived... head spinning...

[ZakBPD]

Hey everyone -

glad to be here!  I have been in a relationship with my wife for almost 20 years.  During the first couple of years getting to know her, I did not see any of the behaviors that presented after that.  Being a child of an alcoholic, I was wired to believe that I was the cause of other's negative feelings.  This was a good fit as my wife began targeting me as the cause of her distress.  For the first 10 - 15 years, I apologized, tried to learn what I was doing wrong and do differently next time.  Now I resent it and am tired of it.  It feels like the cycle of abuse... .anger and irritability and blame that would last for hours or days and then apologies and gratitude about our life together.  The fights are so crazy-making for me I often just want to leave.  It has had a toll on my mental and emotional health and I am exhausted.  We haven't been physically intimate in over 10 years.  I look forward to when she goes on trips as I can then have peace and predictablility.  We she is home, we have fights about 3 weeks or more out of every months.

In the meantime, she was trying to find what was making her feel so crazy all the time.   Different possible diagnoses have been tried out - bipolar, PTSD, depression.  As I have a degree in the field, I am aware of the criteria of different diagnoses, but had a hard time figuring out what fit for her.  Maybe because I am so close to her.  I had circled around borderline a few times over the years, but always dismissed it because she doesn't have overt self-destructive behaviors.  Today, I decided to circle back and read more about it.  It feels like a really good fit.  We have been in couples therapy for the past 10 years with two different therapists and neither of them, nor any of her personal therapists or psychiatrists have mentioned it.  I am thinking it is because of the difficulty getting coverage with insurance.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about this as I don't have any friends that don't also know her or are friends with her (I am working on it... .not an easy thing for me... .).    I plan to read some books... .Stop Walking on Eggshells, The High-Conflict couple, The Essential Family Guide, I Hate You - Don't Leave Me,and Loving Someone with BPD.  Any recommendations of where to start?

Thanks for reading this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mike-X]

Thanks for posting this, and welcome to the boards.

"Stop walking on eggshells" was an eye-opener for me.

Have you had a chance to read any of the lessons on this Website?

[ZakBPD]

Hi Mike -

I am getting that book and have started looking over the lessons.  They are a book in themselves!

Thanks for the reply!

[Mike-X]

You're welcome.

The communication tools in the list on the right are invaluable for managing the intensity of conflicts and even avoiding conflicts. Also, depersonalizing the dysregulation was helpful for me.

Members on the boards have been through a lot and can provide advice on dealing with a wide range of scenarios.