Mother in law still destroying her children

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi, I'm very concerned about my husband and the current situation we are in with his mother. His younger brother died, made my husband the personal representative of the estate. Although he, the younger brother that died, had specific death bed requests for his ashes. The mother took those ashes, which Michigan allows, and put them where she know would harm his afterlife. She stated she did it to get even with him for not giving her all his money and for not making her the personal representative. Devastating for my husband who firmly believes in the same afterlife requirements his brother believed in. On top of that because the mother is one of 5 heirs to the estate she is and has been for 2 years fighting every aspect of the estate. We have lost work, lost extensive amounts of money, worked far more then any estate should require, etc to do what is right and complete the will to the letter. The mother harms herself prior to every court date and gets the sympathy of all including the judge who then feels we are being mean to her, she lies excessively and changes attorneys regularly when the attorney catches on to her ploys. But the judges never do. She knows what to do and how to play everything so this estate is destroying our lives. My husband has had a nervous/emotional/mental breakdown over it. Our relationship is falling apart, well fallen apart but I won't let go. She has turned other siblings, not all but most, against us. It's not a large estate, it a few thousand dollars for each heir but her intent is to destroy us and make us lose all money we had to spend personally. We have no control and have lost what to do. My husband had cut off all contact with her prior to having to deal with her for this estate because of the damage she has done in the past. Help!

[Giving up]

Hi, I'm very concerned about my husband and the current situation we are in with his mother. His younger brother died, made my husband the personal representative of the estate. Although he, the younger brother that died, had specific death bed requests for his ashes. The mother took those ashes, which Michigan allows, and put them where she know would harm his afterlife. She stated she did it to get even with him for not giving her all his money and for not making her the personal representative. Devastating for my husband who firmly believes in the same afterlife requirements his brother believed in. On top of that because the mother is one of 5 heirs to the estate she is and has been for 2 years fighting every aspect of the estate. We have lost work, lost extensive amounts of money, worked far more then any estate should require, etc to do what is right and complete the will to the letter. The mother harms herself prior to every court date and gets the sympathy of all including the judge who then feels we are being mean to her, she lies excessively and changes attorneys regularly when the attorney catches on to her ploys. But the judges never do. She knows what to do and how to play everything so this estate is destroying our lives. My husband has had a nervous/emotional/mental breakdown over it. Our relationship is falling apart, well fallen apart but I won't let go. She has turned other siblings, not all but most, against us. It's not a large estate, it a few thousand dollars for each heir but her intent is to destroy us and make us lose all money we had to spend personally. We have no control and have lost what to do. My husband had cut off all contact with her prior to having to deal with her for this estate because of the damage she has done in the past. Help!

[Mike-X]

I am very sorry to hear about this. I do want to welcome you to the boards, and I am grateful to you for posting your story.

Are you and/or your husband seeing a therapist or marriage counselor as you are dealing with this very difficult situation?

Do you have a lawyer?

There is a Family Law board that you might want to look through and post in.

It's here:

Family law, divorce, and custody

[funfunctional]

Hi,

Can't you just bail out of being in charge of the estate?

Just file some paper that it is too much of a hardship.   The drama here is way over the top with MIL.   Her way of coping with her son's death is to be mean and nasty.  She is clearly a disturbed person.

What does the MIL WIN by acting up in court.  I am unclear about what MIL is trying to "win".   If this is about money then just throw it all at her.  Tell her to keep it.  If she had control over his ashes which I don't understand since she didn't have control over the estate and the ashes have been spread whereever then it sounds like you can't fix what has been done.  So your husband has to let go of all that.

I hope that you can find a level peaceful place and pull yourself out of all this drama.  It is killing all of you but you have to simply step out and stop letting the buttons get pushed.   

Good luck to you and welcome.

[Giving up]

We have an attorney. Most don't want anything to do with the case minimal money with excessive workload attached. No we are not in counseling unfortunately, he is consumed by the issue and unable to think about anything else. If we give up the personal representative spot it automatically goes to the mother. My husband's brother made us promise not to do that. She buried another son and the chilling behaviors she did for him scare all the children. He was hit by a car and put on a gurney, no blood wiped away or anything for viewing. She refused to use his death benefits to take care of a funeral,kept money for herself.

What the MIL is trying to win is little. In my opinion, she knows it will destroy my husband the more torture she puts him through. She finds enjoyment in this. She can play the victim with family, friends, court system, etc. which feeds her BPD. The money she is fighting for is a few hundred dollars divided amongst 5 heirs. I think it's less about the money and more about feeding her victimized role and destroying the child(ren) that refuse to feed into her.

Backing out is difficult when we promised my husband's brother we would take care of this. It's also difficult because the mother has caused such upheaval that we have had to pay thousands of dollars in attorney fees and paying his taxes, bills, etc. the money to be distributed is from the sale of my husband's brother's house which will then pay us back. We aren't rich and have delayed paying our bills and gone without to take care of the estate. If we walk away we lose everything we put in. Although it seems morally and legally correct for us to be reimbursed that is currently what she is fighting. To fight for our reimbursement is costing us thousands. We may not have the money to fight much longer, so she will automatically win and we lose 25000 dollars in funds we can't afford to lose.

It's amazing to me how well she knows the system and how well she can manipulate it. She has made a simple estate in to a crisis after crisis after crisis catastrophe. I think Kathrine is pure evil but she certainly is a pro at making it look like her child(ren) are the evil ones.

[Giving up]

In fact to get a better understanding of what we are dealing with: in order to get her way while arguing with her children about the estate she was losing so she purposely "tripped" into the fireplace, got 15 stitches. . . All children quit arguing with her and just let her have her way. She came to court the first time claiming she fell while outside working, bumped, bruised, cuts. . .judge spent 10 minutes concerned about her welfare and whether she was strong enough to continue she stated she was for the sake of her "dead son" we walked out with the judge telling us we need to take better care of our mother and that she was getting older to just let her have her way, next court visit different judge she came in bumped, bruised and cut up as well as all swollen. . . Claimed her dogs did it to her. Again took up most of our half hour allotted time talking about her welfare and being reprimanded to care for her. She does them al, on purpose to win. Each time she looks at the children opposing her with a vindictive "I won" look. She has "attempted" suicide to get things to go her way. She knows exactly what to do that looks bad but doesn't truly harm her and uses it to her advantage.

What's even worse is that she had 5 boys and one girl. Eldest boy was 8 and youngest a few months old when she dropped all the boys off at an alcoholic mans house and refused to take them back until the boys could pay rent. These boys are the ones she claims to be the children she loves when they die and leave death benefits behind. None of this information is allowed in the court proceedings. Simply telling people she harms herself to get attention and lies excessively gets us on the bad guy side because everyone thinks each woman has the "mother" instinct. Ugh! I'm so frustrated! Thank you all for letting me vent:)

[Mike-X]

How are you managing through all of this?

[Giving up]

That is a difficult question to answer. I'm working hard to keep our sanity. Personally, I'm holding on to the thought that this must end at some point.

[Mike-X]

That is a difficult question to answer. I'm working hard to keep our sanity. Personally, I'm holding on to the thought that this must end at some point.

Thanks for the reply. I can imagine all that you are dealing with consuming significant amounts of time and mental and emotional energy. Are you able to find time to just focus on your emotional, mental, and physical health?

[Giving up]

Oh my, you really caught me off guard with that question. . .

I haven't thought about me at all. My time and energy is spent consumed with tasks MIL has forced upon us and in trying to keep my husband's physical, mental, and emotional health at least minimally intact, the same with my children (blended family-mine still in school and live at home), and working. I know this is going to sound menial (yes I know we need to take care of ourselves) but I haven't taken a moment to think about me. But now that I do, I don't like what I see. Good grief! I was so busy thinking I had it all under control, I don't.

[Mike-X]

Oh my, you really caught me off guard with that question. . .

I haven't thought about me at all. My time and energy is spent consumed with tasks Kathrine has forced upon us and in trying to keep my husband's physical, mental, and emotional health at least minimally intact, the same with my children (blended family-mine still in school and live at home), and working. I know this is going to sound menial (yes I know we need to take care of ourselves) but I haven't taken a moment to think about me. But now that I do, I don't like what I see. Good grief! I was so busy thinking I had it all under control, I don't.

I am also guilty of making similar sacrifices in times of stress. My bet is that it is fairly common. Maybe you can squeeze in some activities with your family or just on your own.