The color has drained out of my life...

[sbr1050]

So, since he stormed out, I am trying very hard to move forward in my life.  I have an extremely successful, growing business, an amazing family, and amazing property, etc.  Logically, I see all the ways he affected me and my life with his uBPD. I should be happy that he does not control my mind anymore.  But he does. The fact is, I miss him.  I really miss him.  We had 18 years together. So many memories and he and his children are in most of them.  Every where I go, whatever I do, I am taken back to the good times and feelings we had.  And it is killing me.  

He (62) has moved on to a 23 year old and wants nothing to do with me. He just blew me off - like I never existed and was very cold to me when I texted him congratulations on becoming a first-time grandfather, etc.  He lives in town so I hear and see things.  It makes me want to cry.  Part of me is happy to hear things so I am not even more blindsighted by his actions (it would kill me if I was completely in the dark about any of it and then find out he's married and started a family with her or something (which is what I always wanted with him!).  I hurts me to know that the person I shared everything with, now feels nothing for me at all.  

I am trying to get out, stay busy, etc.  But everything is overshadowed by the memories.  It is like the color had drained out of my life.  I am doing what I need to, trying to do fun things on my own and with friends but it just doesn't have any meaning.  It all feels overwhelming.  And I keep thinking about him doing all these fun, meaningful things with someone else.  

I meet with a therapist the middle of the month but I have my doubts about even that.  How can someone else tell/help me how to get over all my lost dreams for the future?   But, I am going into it with a open, eager mind.  I have tried dating - I figured to more new people I meet, the better for me. Maybe it can show me there ARE normal men out there... .I don't know where to go to meet people myself and the dating sites make me feel worse (I just don't seem to appeal to any decent men in an acceptable age range or they drop off before they even meet me... .).  And I am lonely.  Not the kind of lonely that I can't spend time alone.  But the kind of lonely that says, "once your parents pass away, you will be all alone in the world. You have no family, he took away your chance for children, and your friends are more like aquaintances.  You made your ex your most important person and now you have no one!"

Help!  

[Tyrwhitt]

Your story really touched me.  I understand as I'm divorcing after 20 years and still text my uBPDh about snippets of things. I never get a reply. We havent finished the last of the formalities so I still feel connected.

I understand that feeling of loneliness. But you said you have an amazing family, a business and lovely house. Inside you have things you still are interested in, hobbies you might want to pursue. Life does have a meaning, you've just temporarily lost sight of it. Over the coming weeks, look how the sun shines, how strangers make you laugh, the shoulders you're offered to cry on. Little things will happen, little blessings, try to see them. Cry when you need, pick up the phone and deepen your friendships to something worthwhile. Sharing your life with someone for so long makes leaving these memories hard, but you will now create new memories.

[PaintedBlack28]

I am amazed at everhthing you had to put up with. I was married for a long long time with a woman who was very disordered. I have two kids with her. I am divorced now. It wasnt a pretty story. I relate to many things that happened to you. Pretty much the same on my side including the abuse. She turned my own kids against me. They dont love me because she alienated them from me. They constantly ask for money, though.

After the divorce I met this girl with  BPD she was diagnosed. 9 years younger, I'm 46.

I was 8 months with her, she split me black and dumped me. When I tried to reengage she threw the cops on me. The next day I got a call from her father telling me not to contact her by any means ever again or else face legal action. The breakup was in late October. Again, I knew little to nothing about BPD, though she said to me she was being treated. She told me 'no problem'. Yeah right.

So I had to forget about my love. I miss her a lot. I thought she was the right woman for me.

So I ended alone, lonely and sad.

I understand how you feel.

You put it very well, that would be it: The Color of my life has gone.

Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to go through this and survive.

[Mutt]

Hi sbr1050,

I'm so sorry your going through this. You have a supportive family life and a successful business.

Life does have a meaning, you've just temporarily lost sight of it.

I think it can be very difficult when we're going through this to be centered and have anxiety about the future and things that may or may not happen.

No one knows for certain if he's going to have a family with the other woman and what is reality is that you're struggling

You had a long history and suffered loss. It sounds like you're trying to maintain busy and distracted and feel like life has lost it's color. Depression is a part of the five stages of grieving.

The breakup of a marriage or long-term relationship can trigger similar grieving responses to the death of a spouse.

There are 5 common stages of grief that a person goes through.  These stages were first identified by the late Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D. when she spoke at the The Ingersoll Lectures on Human Immortality at Harvard University in 1970.

Where are you in the process?  

What have you struggled with?  How might you have approached it differently?

How has your perspective changed as you have gone through the stages?

What have you struggled with?

PERSPECTIVES: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

A T in conjunction with an online support group helps through this process. I went to a P and a T and it really helped.