finally left BPD girlfriend after almost 2 years...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello everyone,

      around two years ago i met a girl at a bar and the first few months were great, she said she was falling in love with me, wanted to marry me one day, the whole 9 yards.  oddly tho during this time she would flirt with others in front of me, she even gave oral sex to a guy in a car when we went to the bar together, she blew up my phone the next day calling and texting 56x... .   for some reason i forgave her... .  this type of acting out and then begging for forgiveness happened many times for months, including some of it being my own insecurities causing problems... . 

she denies it of course but im sure she slept multiple times with a few of my friends, and the relationship began to devolve into me just giving her money but us not spending any time together. constantly i was questioning her contradicitons in words and actions, and lack of sex.  we never had sex but we would mess around.  she lies about literally everything and it wouldnt suprise me if her name was a lie... .   this was about the 5th time she came back a month ago, i begged her to come back, and i bought her a car, yes i know pathetic.  well enough was enough, i tried to calmly tell her i wasnt happy, that she should find a guy or gal, ( she is bi) that she is more into and that im not in love with her anymore.  i said i wanted my car back as im not interested in supporting a girl who doesnt even want to hang out or have a sexual relationship. i even offered her gas money to get rides to work the next week... .she completely flipped, went 140mph threatening to crash the car and kill us, and that if she couldnt keep the car she would make up a story that i tried to rape her... .i took the car back when she finally parked in front of my house and i went nuts... .  i through all her out of my car, yelled at her, made her cry, and told her i do everything for you and all you do is sleep with my friends and talk bs about me behind my back.  keep in mind i was paying her rent, giving her clothes, saved her job and from jail, my unlce is a lawyer. she stole twice from two bars... .   i even bought her a car( i know pathetic, but her mom said she was about to lose her job, i suspect her mom is nuts too).  anyway, i finally put my foot down in a stern way and she falsely accused me of rape and abuse.  now since there is no evidence of this, she had a friend spread this on facebook. i threatened her mom and her to take it down or i will pursue legal action, she also has a warrant for her arrest, and i was close to calling the cops to turn her in, but i just figured it would die down. 

so quesiton, will she just go away since i got rid of her and made her walk home and finally put my foot down in a serious way, or will this escalate.  what should i do? what can i expect from her? is there any chance to salvage the relationship because i still do care about her, i just think shes too unstable to associate with... .?  shes been silent for a week, no apology, nothing.  her last test a week ago was , " hope youre effing happy"... .    im not sure if ill try to work it out if she reaches out again.

best/mcgahee21

[McGahee21]

Hello everyone,

      around two years ago i met a girl at a bar and the first few months were great, she said she was falling in love with me, wanted to marry me one day, the whole 9 yards.  oddly tho during this time she would flirt with others in front of me, she even gave oral sex to a guy in a car when we went to the bar together, she blew up my phone the next day calling and texting 56x... .   for some reason i forgave her... .  this type of acting out and then begging for forgiveness happened many times for months, including some of it being my own insecurities causing problems... . 

she denies it of course but im sure she slept multiple times with a few of my friends, and the relationship began to devolve into me just giving her money but us not spending any time together. constantly i was questioning her contradicitons in words and actions, and lack of sex.  we never had sex but we would mess around.  she lies about literally everything and it wouldnt suprise me if her name was a lie... .   this was about the 5th time she came back a month ago, i begged her to come back, and i bought her a car, yes i know pathetic.  well enough was enough, i tried to calmly tell her i wasnt happy, that she should find a guy or gal, ( she is bi) that she is more into and that im not in love with her anymore.  i said i wanted my car back as im not interested in supporting a girl who doesnt even want to hang out or have a sexual relationship. i even offered her gas money to get rides to work the next week... .she completely flipped, went 140mph threatening to crash the car and kill us, and that if she couldnt keep the car she would make up a story that i tried to rape her... .i took the car back when she finally parked in front of my house and i went nuts... .  i through all her out of my car, yelled at her, made her cry, and told her i do everything for you and all you do is sleep with my friends and talk bs about me behind my back.  keep in mind i was paying her rent, giving her clothes, saved her job and from jail, my unlce is a lawyer. she stole twice from two bars... .   i even bought her a car( i know pathetic, but her mom said she was about to lose her job, i suspect her mom is nuts too).  anyway, i finally put my foot down in a stern way and she falsely accused me of rape and abuse.  now since there is no evidence of this, she had a friend spread this on facebook. i threatened her mom and her to take it down or i will pursue legal action, she also has a warrant for her arrest, and i was close to calling the cops to turn her in, but i just figured it would die down. 

so quesiton, will she just go away since i got rid of her and made her walk home and finally put my foot down in a serious way, or will this escalate.  what should i do? what can i expect from her? is there any chance to salvage the relationship because i still do care about her, i just think shes too unstable to associate with... .?  shes been silent for a week, no apology, nothing.  her last test a week ago was , " hope youre effing happy"... .    im not sure if ill try to work it out if she reaches out again.

best/mcgahee21

[McGahee21]

Im not positive, but hints of sarcasm about prostitution, they way she talks, drug addiction, and her overall view of everything being a hussle, and her speed in life makes me believe she delved into prostitution when she was a teenager.  i know she was kicked out when she was 16... .   

i really care about this girl, and she was so awesome when things were good, and i want to help her, i just dont know how... .   part of it has been my fault, because when drunk in the past, i would get so mad at her... .   i feel like its like no what i do for her, she keeps getting further away.  i bought her the car a month ago and we werent even hanging out... .


:'(

[McGahee21]

i havent seen a therapist, my friend said i should so i can get over her and get on with my life... .   i guess the only reason i have barely any feelings left is because i invested so much in her, when things were good it was really fun, and many times she made me feel great.  i guess i love her and thats the only reason i feel like trying again, but if she were to reach out and apologize i would approach everything differently... .   i bought her an apartment over a year ago through a friend who was the landlord.  she got kicked out after asking him for money and his wife saw the text... .   i always bailed her out, gave her clothes, was there emotionally, but she just took me for a ride i guess you could say.  the hardest part is wondering if she ever really cared, just her actions were so bizzare, one day she wants to marry me, the next shes cold and starts sneaking behind my back... .  i was enabling her, and i dont think she ever thought i would walk away.  but at some point, when it gets to the point where you buy her a car and save her job, and for a month youre only texting and not hanging out, u realize things are beyond ___ed up and its time to walk... . 

[cosmonaut]

Hi McGahee,

Wow.  That's a heavy story.  I'm so sorry to hear about your ex and all that you've been through with her.  I can hear and understand your hurt and your frustration.  My breakup with my ex was the worst experience of my life.  By far.  It was a surreal experience, and one I'm still recovering from over a year later.  These are not just breakups.  They are something else entirely.  There is often trauma involved, and we can often leave these relationships with some deep, if perhaps hidden scars.  So, I understand.  I know something of how hard this must be for you, and I'm sorry you're going through it.

The false rape allegations are really worrisome.  Do you think she would follow through on that?  Do you have a way to protect yourself?  I know she won't have evidence, but it's still a vicious smear and I don't want you to have to go through something like that.

I think seeing a therapist would be a great idea.  My therapist was instrumental in both supporting me and in helping me to sort through the many, many things that the end of my relationship with my ex brought up.  I would highly recommend doing that if you at all can.

I understand about loving your ex.  I love my ex too.  Do please just be careful and look out for your own well being.  I don't know if your ex is being serious or just talking, but her threats are very concerning.  Take good care of you.  You deserve it too.  What do you think you would do if she contacts you?  Do you have any plans to contact her?

[McGahee21]

i always knew she was nuts, but not nuts enough to post stuff on facebook of false rape allegations. i already told the police everything a couple weeks ago, i have all her messages/voicemails, etc. and i have nothing to hide. 

thats whats sad, shes going to contact me again, probably within a couple more weeks when she needs something, but i dont know what to do. obvioulsy i should just ignore her and walk, its just hard because i know how sick she is and i want to help her. i just dont know what to do or how to fix it now, each recycle gets worse and more extreme, theres been over 10 breakups, all we do is fight. 

[zundertowz]

Met girl in bar... .first red flag... .not being judgmental I have been there.   These girls are a blast but you dont wanna be the one to fall in love with them.

[cosmonaut]

That's a great idea to have gone to the police.  Smart move there.  I'm glad that you're taking precautions to protect yourself, even if she is just talking in anger.

I understand so much about wanting to fix your ex.  Man, do I hear you there.  I wanted to do the same for my ex.  So badly.  But you know what?  It just made things worse.  She interpreted all of my helping her as invalidation and as confirmation that she's defective and broken.  She would get furious with me telling me that she doesn't need me to fix her, that I can't fix her.  And you know what?  She's right.  That's something that I've learned, and it's been hard to accept, because I do love her.  And I don't want to see her suffer.  I think you feel similar about your ex.  But we can't fix them.  Only they can fix themselves.  All we can do is support them and try to understand.

You sound confident that you will hear from her again soon.  Have you thought about what you might say to her when she does?

[McGahee21]

in a calm and loving way say i made mistakes, ive been mean sometimes but that some of the things she does are outside the range of normal frustration in a relationship and that she needs to talk to someone or she going to hurt someone or hurt herself... . 

we almost died in the car. she was seriously close to crashing it.  i was scared, i really was.

at this point, i dont trust her with anything. 

her BPD and severe drug problem is like a nuke just waiting to go off... .

sadly its sounds cliche and dramatic, i just dont want to wake up and hear from someone that she died or something.