I want to get out

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

IV been having thoughts that I want to get out of my relationship with a BPD fiance, things are getting out of hand, threatening to always leave. But my feelings of being so in love with him is going and I never thought ill fall out of love with him. But I guess I'm so tired of the chaos. He loves me too much and I dnt think I can handle seeing his heart break. I really don't know how IV switched to not caring much. I was so dwelled over him. Now I just want my life back. That care free life. If I break it off it'll start so much chaos.

[lillian2005]

IV been having thoughts that I want to get out of my relationship with a BPD fiance, things are getting out of hand, threatening to always leave. But my feelings of being so in love with him is going and I never thought ill fall out of love with him. But I guess I'm so tired of the chaos. He loves me too much and I dnt think I can handle seeing his heart break. I really don't know how IV switched to not caring much. I was so dwelled over him. Now I just want my life back. That care free life. If I break it off it'll start so much chaos.

[cosmonaut]

Hi lillian,

I'm so sorry to hear about your relationship.  I imagine you must be feeling terrible to be considering leaving your fiance.  I'm so sorry this is such a difficult time.   :'(  What's happened lately that is causing you to want to leave?  Can you tell us more about what you mean by things getting out of hand?  Is it that the frequency of his threats to leave increased?

I know a relationship with a BPD partner can be exhausting at times, and sometimes very painful too.  We're here to support you, though.  You're not alone.   

[lillian2005]

Basically is that, he has so much jealousy over my past lover, and forcing me to prove to him how much i love him even more, and would tell me if you don't do this it means you dnt love me as much as you loved him. After i did what he wanted, his calmed down now, and for the first time in ages, he has been calm for a straight 4 days. For him to force me to do things i don't want to do just shows that he doesnt put my feelings first. And i feel like the person i feel inlove with isnt the same anymore.

He tells me how much he loves me, and i believe he does love me too much. But i just can't handle it anymore. And i just think what could come up next?

No one knows what im going through. But if i leave itll create chaos. And at the same time i dnt know if i can leave because i have strong feelings for him. Im just not happy i dont feel secure.

[cosmonaut]

I can hear in your words how overwhelmed you are feeling, lillian.  I'm so sorry you are in this situation.  It is one of the most awful decisions we could face to have to decide whether or not to leave someone we love.  Have you already tried to use the tools - especially validation and S.E.T. - to help diffuse his abandonment fears?  If so, were those able to help at all?  Is he being physically or even verbally abusive to you?  You said you don't feel secure, so I'm a little worried by that.  Do you have children together?

Hang in there, lillian.  We're here for you.   

[Lucky Jim]

Hey lillian2005,

I'm sorry to learn that you are caught in this quandary.  Funny thing is, I was once in your shoes.  I was engaged to a pwBPD and experienced many of the same feelings you describe so I can relate.  As a result, I postponed the wedding.  We eventually married anyway, but in retrospect my gut feelings were well-founded (we are now divorced).  I had never heard of BPD and was naive about personality disorders.  Yet you are on a different footing because you know about BPD, so you have a better perspective on what you are getting into.  I'm not going to tell you what to do other than to suggest that you try to focus on what is the right path for YOU (not what is right for your fiance, his family, your family, etc.). 

LuckyJim