Has your child been able to handle college? Looking for advice

[inkling16]

After a fraught few years, it looks like our BPD19 daughter might actually graduate from hs in June. It will be touch and go, but her school is giving us amazing flexibility in class attendance and all of her teachers have dialed down their expectations and (like us) will be happy if she passes, so they are pretty good about not triggering her anxiety by hassling her about undone homework or missed classes. (It breaks their hearts, I'm sure, because she does great work when she's on her game.) Meanwhile, she is stepping up as best she can, though depression and anxiety are ever-present and sometimes she just can't get out of bed, or has to leave school early. I'm sure this pattern will sound familiar to many here.

If she does in fact graduate, she's been accepted to art school in the fall, in a city far enough from ours that we can't be on the spot for support. We are prepared that this might not work out, but I was wondering if anyone here has a kid who succeeded in higher education after having a low-functioning pattern in high school. If so, do you have any advice?

Some background:  Our daughter had a summer of residential treatment in 2012 after a suicide attempt. She learned DBT skills there, and followed up with regular therapy when she got out; the RTC also put her on a med regimen that at least kept her in one piece. She's much better about taking care of herself and applying her coping skills, but she still gets dysregulated fairly often and is very bad with surprises, changes of plan, etc. Insomnia remains a problem. She hasn't had access to her therapist for the past two school years because she's been at boarding school, though she sees her in the summer and on school breaks. She desperately wants to go to school next year, be less dependent on us, and catch up with her peers who got through high school and into college on the normal schedule. But at the same time the whole prospect makes her anxious. (Me too!)

In some ways art school will be easier than high school--more flexibility of schedule, and probably fewer classes to keep up with at a time. Also, she has always found it highly therapeutic to do art, so being able to do it all the time might be quite helpful. On the other hand, she's never been on her own in quite this way before, and it won't be anyone's formal job to keep tabs on her.

What steps did you take to improve the odds that your child would succeed? If he or she failed at first, but later succeeded, what changes made the difference?

Any advice helpful!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi inkling16,

My son is 13, so no college experience to share. I'm wondering, though, since your D has been to RTC and learned DBT skills, if she knows her triggers, and has a plan for what she will do if the stress begins to build? Do you see signs now that she knows how to advocate for herself?

I also wanted to say congratulations to you, and to her, as this often must feel like a family effort -- for her getting into art school, and finishing HS.

My son seems to become just as anxious/overwhelmed when he's successful. Failure is like wearing a pair of favorite socks, but success. That's when he really struggles. Is your D showing any signs that she is nervous about graduating from HS?

[lbjnltx]

Hi inkling16

Our plan (talked through together w/my daughter) is to take it slow at the beginning.  1 or 2 classes and only one core course.  It's important that she have a class she enjoys to  help her make the transition.  She is living on  her own and mom won't be there to tell her to go to school or do your assignments or ask her where her homework is.

She will be working part time too so that factors into the school equation.

Hope that helps.

lbj

[inkling16]

Hi livednlearned,

She can sometimes advocate for herself, and she knows some of her triggers, but her urge to be independent means that it's often difficult to have productive discussions about what to do if

• ... . I've learned to try to have those discussions in what I think of as the quiet moments. She'll also see her therapist this summer, and hopefully they can put together some kind of game plan.
  
  She also fears success, and actually graduating from high school is so scary that I sometimes think she won't quite manage it. Fortunately, her friends from her old school, all of whom are at least a couple of years older, give her such grief about still being in high school that she's got shame offsetting the fear. Sometimes it helps her get a grip, and sometimes the combination paralyzes her completely. We'll know in a few weeks which one will win!
  
  Good luck with your son. You've probably figured out by now that parental pressure isn't as helpful as we would like. I wish I had been fully aware of that dynamic when she started middle school; we might have been able to be more helpful sooner by changing our approach.
  
  

  Hi inkling16,
  
  My son is 13, so no college experience to share. I'm wondering, though, since your D has been to RTC and learned DBT skills, if she knows her triggers, and has a plan for what she will do if the stress begins to build? Do you see signs now that she knows how to advocate for herself?
  
  I also wanted to say congratulations to you, and to her, as this often must feel like a family effort -- for her getting into art school, and finishing HS.
  
  My son seems to become just as anxious/overwhelmed when he's successful. Failure is like wearing a pair of favorite socks, but success. That's when he really struggles. Is your D showing any signs that she is nervous about graduating from HS?

  
  

[inkling16]

That sounds like a great plan. I think the art school curriculum is pretty set for the first year and I don't know how successful we'd be in suggesting that she take less than a full load, but I agree that it would be a good idea.

I'm thinking of establishing some type of boundary that if she doesn't pass all her classes in a semester, then she must take a leave, or drop down to part time, or something like that, but we've never had much luck with strictures like that in the past. I would like to limit our exposure to paying tuition and then having no credits to show for it. (She also has a half-tuition scholarship that is good for four years but requires keeping performance up.) If anyone has tried something like that, what worked best?

She is sensitive to how much money she's costing us. It doesn't necessarily translate into any quid pro quo on her part, but at least she's not taking us for granted.

Hi inkling16

Our plan (talked through together w/my daughter) is to take it slow at the beginning.  1 or 2 classes and only one core course.  It's important that she have a class she enjoys to  help her make the transition.  She is living on  her own and mom won't be there to tell her to go to school or do your assignments or ask her where her homework is.

She will be working part time too so that factors into the school equation.

Hope that helps.

lbj

[lbjnltx]

Does your daughter have an IEP now?

Here is some info though brief that may be a route to explore with the Art School.

As long as a student qualifies for special education, the IEP is mandated to be regularly maintained and updated up to the point of high school graduation, or prior to the 22nd birthday. If a student in special education attends university upon graduation, the university's own system and procedures take over. Placements often occur in "general education", mainstream classes, and specialized classes or sub-specialties taught by a special education teacher, sometimes within a resource room.



Quoted from this Lesson: What is an IEP

lbj

[inkling16]

She had an IEP at her old school, but the people who put it together fundamentally misunderstood what she needed, despite input from us and her therapist (and at the time we weren't knowledgeable enough to know just how off-target it was). We abandoned her old school and released them from responsibility for her, in exchange for partial compensation for the costs of the new school. So while her current school has a copy of the IEP, I don't think it's really informed what they do, and if we took it to college, it would have to be updated. I can check with her current school about doing that, I guess, though I have my hands full right now just trying to help her get out of bed to get to enough classes to graduate. Do you think that would be better than just putting her therapist in touch with the art school?  (One thing about art school, I'm sure they've seen every variation on mental health challenges.)

Does your daughter have an IEP now?

Here is some info though brief that may be a route to explore with the Art School.

As long as a student qualifies for special education, the IEP is mandated to be regularly maintained and updated up to the point of high school graduation, or prior to the 22nd birthday. If a student in special education attends university upon graduation, the university's own system and procedures take over. Placements often occur in "general education", mainstream classes, and specialized classes or sub-specialties taught by a special education teacher, sometimes within a resource room.




Quoted from this Lesson: What is an IEP

lbj

[lbjnltx]

I would check with the art school to see how they handle accommodations for students... .knowing what they need and from whom first hand will give you a plan of action and what options are available.

I hope they will work with your daughter to help her succeed.

lbj

[Kate4queen]

Your school should have a big meeting as your DD is approaching the end of the year to put together a new IEP plan for her to take with her to college. If they don't offer it-I'd make sure to ask them to do it. I think its a legal requirement in public school.

My 3rd son who had an IEP due to emotional anxiety/ODD from living with a BPD sibling got a new IEP to  take to community college and it made things so much easier. Unfortunately, my son with BPD, despite being offered an opportunity via community college to attend Berkley couldn't deal with the stress and refused to apply again after surgery despite the college being keen to enroll him. Not his fault, obviously. It was just too much for him to deal with.

[inkling16]

Thanks! I'll inquire. The current school is a private school, so I don't know what they're required to do, if anything, but they've never shown anything less than a sincere desire to help our daughter succeed.

Your school should have a big meeting as your DD is approaching the end of the year to put together a new IEP plan for her to take with her to college. If they don't offer it-I'd make sure to ask them to do it. I think its a legal requirement in public school.

[Jjsmom]

We are in the same boat. Daughter,17, "will be diagnosed with BPD in August when she turns 18" according to her therapist working with her using DBT. High school has been a struggle for over 18 months with 2 hospitalizations, anxiety and depression, suiside attempt, missed school, unfinished assignments.  She has a 504 which has helped some. She is very smart... .ranked 5th in class of about 200. Hoping we get to graduation in June and as parents, we are very worried about how she'll handle college-about an hour away from home.  We are still learning so much about BPD, we are overwhelmed trying to understand how to help her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jaynebrain]

I have a daughter who is just about done with her fourth year at college. She will be doing a fifth and we are ok with that.  If you had asked me back in 2010 - I would have bet good money that she wouldn't have graduated High School.  She did, barely and got into a local state university.  She wanted to live on campus "to be like everyone else" and we thought it would be a fresh start for her.  In many ways, it was.  She did well with classes, partied a little too much, made friends (some of whom she still has!) and got along well with her room mate.  Unknown to us she was still seeing a boy that was mirroring her BPD behavior and he also had drug issues.  She hid from her therapist but seemed to be doing well to us!  She was 20 minutes away which was comforting to us all.

Each year DD has learned something new about herself and her situation.  She has been enrolled in DSS all four years - they allow her extra time on tests (she has taken finals in her apartment on occasion as anxiety was so high), note taking if she need it, professors have to co-operate and be supportive.  One class she took an incomplete and has been working on papers over the year to get a final grade.  I am not encouraging laziness nor do I think that its ok to intentionally fail, but these kids need help.  She has been diligent in her therapy and each year has moved forward a little more.  Its been tough, but she wanted to continue and who were we to say no?  She has taken a maximum of 12 units per semester - as we consider therapy another class. 

I would say - take the pressure off, think of things in a different way.  I emailed her councilor at DSS and told him that DD has BPD and that I would appreciate attending meetings with her or for him to talk to me also.  DD signed a consent form.  It has not been easy by any means, but DD has grown overall and we are pretty proud of her.

Wishing you super good luck and wisdom! 

[Jjsmom]

Congratulations to your daughter for her success at college this far! And thank you for your encouraging post. It definitely gives me hope for my DD.  She feels we think she will fail... .hard to explain that's not it and we certainly have not used the word fail.  Our worries stem from how overwhelmed she is with the work right now to finish her senior year in hs and how she will handle the pressures of college work. I like the idea of 3 classes as opposed to 4 as she will continue therapy either thru the college's counseling office or another local provider as she will be a little too far from home to see her current therapist. I want to believe she can do it and we want to help her be successful.  Finding this site has been wonderful for me to start to really understand BPD and how we can help her and ourselves.

Best wishes for your daughter's continue success!

[inkling16]

This is all wonderful advice. Part of our challenge will be convincing our daughter to take the accommodations. I hope we can have a conversation about that soon. I'm delighted for you and your daughter and it's so reassuring, because right now we have a month to go until the end of senior year and it's still not clear that she'll graduate. It's going to be down to the wire.

I have a daughter who is just about done with her fourth year at college. She will be doing a fifth and we are ok with that.  If you had asked me back in 2010 - I would have bet good money that she wouldn't have graduated High School.  She did, barely and got into a local state university.  She wanted to live on campus "to be like everyone else" and we thought it would be a fresh start for her.  In many ways, it was.  She did well with classes, partied a little too much, made friends (some of whom she still has!) and got along well with her room mate.  Unknown to us she was still seeing a boy that was mirroring her BPD behavior and he also had drug issues.  She hid from her therapist but seemed to be doing well to us!  She was 20 minutes away which was comforting to us all.

Each year DD has learned something new about herself and her situation.  She has been enrolled in DSS all four years - they allow her extra time on tests (she has taken finals in her apartment on occasion as anxiety was so high), note taking if she need it, professors have to co-operate and be supportive.  One class she took an incomplete and has been working on papers over the year to get a final grade.  I am not encouraging laziness nor do I think that its ok to intentionally fail, but these kids need help.  She has been diligent in her therapy and each year has moved forward a little more.  Its been tough, but she wanted to continue and who were we to say no?  She has taken a maximum of 12 units per semester - as we consider therapy another class. 

I would say - take the pressure off, think of things in a different way.  I emailed her councilor at DSS and told him that DD has BPD and that I would appreciate attending meetings with her or for him to talk to me also.  DD signed a consent form.  It has not been easy by any means, but DD has grown overall and we are pretty proud of her.

Wishing you super good luck and wisdom! 

[jaynebrain]

Hi Jjsmom - I hope that you don't think that it was easy for any of us, I don't mean to sound flippant and to minimize your fears.  I think that at her worst our DD has said that we expected her to fail (I think my husband did without a doubt) but I would tell her that our biggest concern was to keep her safe and to move forward, however slowly.  No education is ever wasted.  Both my daughters have friends who have not finished or have come unglued, with or without mental illness.  I have tried to give her grace for the mistakes she has made (the shame she feels is greater than any disapproval I can display) and to understand that sometimes it can be 4 steps forward and 2 back. 

Keep us posted - I am happy to be on your cheer team!