Have you been financially taken advantage of by your BPD partner?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I wonder how many of us have been "loved" as long as we were serving our BPD partners financial interests?

In our marriage, the drastic devaluation stage has begun the moment I told my husband I was losing a job. And I was fully covering all his expenses for several months while he was unemployed - never a word of complaint from my side, only motivation, emotional support and gifts to inspire. He actually proposed me the week he knew he is being laid off, and silly me has married him for bare love (he had no job, <40K in debt, no place to go, etc). Once I lost a job, he could not stand me for more than a month and dumped me saying I was a financial burden.  

Anyone feels being financially taken advantage of by their partner, too? I wonder how common is it. I also tend to believe, financial aspect (esp. for those with NPD tendencies) is a strong factor for attraction of such individuals.

PS: How do I add a poll here?

[still_in_shock]

I wonder how many of us have been "loved" as long as we were serving our BPD partners financial interests?

In our marriage, the drastic devaluation stage has begun the moment I told my husband I was losing a job. And I was fully covering all his expenses for several months while he was unemployed - never a word of complaint from my side, only motivation, emotional support and gifts to inspire. He actually proposed me the week he knew he is being laid off, and silly me has married him for bare love (he had no job, <40K in debt, no place to go, etc). Once I lost a job, he could not stand me for more than a month and dumped me saying I was a financial burden.  

Anyone feels being financially taken advantage of by their partner, too? I wonder how common is it. I also tend to believe, financial aspect (esp. for those with NPD tendencies) is a strong factor for attraction of such individuals.

PS: How do I add a poll here?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[willtimeheal]

When I cut the finances and all the extra fun off she didn't like it.  I stopped paying for everything and making her payments on items like her car. I stopped buying her gifts and taking her on trips. I told her she needed to start concentrating on getting better and focus on therapy. When she said she wanted to stop therapy... .all the money from me stopped too.  I was replaced quickly. But this time I knew I was replaced and didn't hang around. I walked away. I got away cheap. She only owes me about $1300. Small price to pay for my sanity. She  on th  other hand has legal bills galore for her latest dwi.

[JohnLove]

Hello still_in_shock, I have really begun to feel like this. An expensive holiday and gifts, me driving her around, loaning her money, everything began to turn into an argument... .now later she has a new job where she is earning more than me at this point. I was instrumental in this.

It's partly my fault because I was so focused on her needs and her problems that her life has improved immensely. I have been given little appreciation and little consideration, and now I'm worse off. Now small amounts of money she has owed me has taken 7 months to pay back. My efforts are undeserving of payment... .it seems.

There seems to be very little reciprocity in a "relationship" with someone with BPD.

Sigh.

[tortuga]

I can relate to this too.

I can say that probably my weakest side, is enforcing boundaries with regard to money. I just have a lot of work to do in this area. 

But when I began enforcing other boundaries, this particular part of the relationship DID improve at least a little bit.  One place where I seriously put my foot down, is I demanded that she get a full-time job. She did that, and she also went back to school, and finished her degree, and got a better job making, well, almost enough to support herself. I think that it gave her more of a realistic idea of how our money was earned, and her compulsive spending has gone way down. She still does it, but not horribly. She still resists the idea of when we run into unexpected expenses, and have to cut back luxuries for a while to catch up - that's when she goes crazy, like trying to hang onto the idea that she shouldn't have to cut back, no matter what, because she deserves to spend the money.

[Yaffle]

I don't know about being taken advantage of but its certainly very one sided in our relationship.  Well over half of my wages go into the joint account to pay the mortgage, food and all the other household running costs then on top of this I still have to run the car which is currently costing me a fortune too at present. 

She inherited a decent amount 2 years ago which has now nearly gone but in that time she was only paying in about a tenth of what I was into the joint account.  She was constantly booking weekends away, sometimes for her and her mum and sometimes with me and the kids.  While we were away we'd usually spend more than at home on trips and eating out etc. which the joint account paid for.  As soon as I asked her for some more money to top up the joint account there was hell to pay.  'Where does all your money go?  Why am I the one that has to top the money up?'  If I replied saying that she was the one who wanted to go away I'd get called ungrateful. 

All the time she's been spending a fortune on nice clothes and luxuries that she wants (to be fair to her she has spent money on the house but a lot of that is on things she wants done and hasn't really consulted with me on it) while I've seen my overdraft increase to the extent that I've had to take out a loan and the only time I can buy things I need for myself like new clothes is when I get my bonus annually and even then apparently I should be spending that on the family and its selfish of me to spend it on myself.

It is a real shame that she's frittered away her money as it really was enough to change our lives if it had been used sensibly.  If she's decided to pay off the mortgage for instance then she'd never have had to work again as my wages should be adequate for us to live a nice but sensible life. 

I'm now trying to work out how to separate my finances from hers as if she keeps spending the way she has then she's going to run up some awful debt.