Should I stay or should I go

[candle04072013]

I'm thankful that a site like this exists.  I'm in dire need of some advice.  I have been in a relationship with my wife for over 17 years.  We married 7 years ago and had a child 2 years ago.  I did not realize that her destructive behavior may be related to BPD until after we had our child, at which point I did some research and got her into therapy.  I didn't push the BPD issue and let the Dr. make his own diagnosis which was "severe depression, but showing some borderline personality traits".  She has been in therapy for 1 year and nothing has changed.  In fact, the therapy seems to have exasperated the issue, as her thoughts of being a victim seem to have now been confirmed in her mind.  The therapists style is focused on convincing her that she is a good person, but no progress has been made on taking responsibility for her thoughts and emotions - she still blames me, her parents, and the world for her issues.  I've spoken to the therapist many times, including privately about my wife's issues and he brushes aside the idea that she is a BP and says she can retake the diagnostic exam.  Over the years I have lost my temper multiple times and called her vicious names, which has further hurt the relationship.  We have separated about 5 times in the last year and a half, and it mostly results in her asking me to "give it another shot" and asking me to move back in.  Before we were married, separations would result in her guilting me into taking her back by saying things like "I knew you'd leave me one day.  How could you do this to me after all I've done for you". It always worked.  After a recent separation a few months ago, I told her "I bet you'll beg me to come back next week", and this caused her to deliberately not ask for me back.  However, because it was so hard for me to live away from my child, I broke down and asked to move back into the house. This cycle of confusion has taken its toll on me.  I love my wife and my child, but the conflict in the home can't be good for raising my child.  She refuses to take ownership of her issues and blames everything on me.  She has also convinced herself that I'm the one with BPD and that I'm bi-polar.  I have made some huge mistakes in the past, as this relationship started when we were both very young (15 yrs old).  The relationship has caused me a lot of depression and frustration and I have turned to alcohol and pain killers in the past to numb the pain.  I no longer use pain killers and now drink alcohol moderately.  I am thinking straight and realizing that it is best if we split up.  However, 1) it causes me a great deal of pain to be away from my child, 2) I haven't succeeded in helping her and a part of me thinks I should keep trying, and 3) I have a co-dependent type of a personality with low self-esteem and sometimes have the delusion that I'll never find anyone else.  Has anyone been in this situation before?  Any advice will help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[paintingitblack]

Put the well-being of yourself and your children first. She can blame you all she wants but it doesn't mean you have to accept all blame. I am sure you have not been the perfect husband because you are human but don't let her put all her problems on your back. As hard as it might be, the best thing you can do is not respond back to her irrationality with anger or yelling. You must get right with yourself first and foremost. Have confidence in yourself and break your co-dependent behaviors. Realize you will be fine with or without her. Once you can get right with yourself, all else will fall in line much easier. See a therapist in your own right. If it comes to a divorce... .attempt to get joint custody. This may all be easier said than done... .but trust your gut. It sounds like your current dynamic is toxic and SOMETHING must change. You cannot change her, but you can change yourself.

You can NOT save her. You can only support her is she is willing to save herself.

[vortex of confusion]

   

I wanted to start out by giving you some hugs of support. My husband and I will be celebrating our 17th anniversary next month. If I didn't have 4 kids with him, I would be out the door so fast heads would be spinning. I love him. I just get tired of all of the BS.

You can't change her. Stop trying to fix her. Instead, focus on YOU. I know, that sounds horrible. At least that is how it sounded to me when people told me to stop worrying so much about my spouse. I would recommend starting by reading the lessons that you can find on the right side of the board. There are things that will help you to understand your partners behaviors as well as your own. When I found this place, I was convinced that I had to be the one with a mental illness. I had pretty much gone off the deep end and was behaving in ways that were really out of character for me. I had reached my breaking point and was trying to figure out how to get myself back to a place where I could respect myself again.

If you are trying to decide whether or not to stay or go, you might venture over to the undecided boards and read those lessons two. I have chosen to stay because I can't stand the thought of breaking up my family. Even though my husband can be a real jerk at times, he is working on being a better dad to the kids. And, at times, he is even working on being a better husband. When I found this site back in August, I didn't think that this kind of progress was possible. It has taken a lot of work on my part. Part of the work has been to stop being so worried about my husband and what he is doing.

Welcome!

[despr8]

Hi Candle, brother I know exactly what your going through. my wife and I have been married for 15 years and she was just diagnosed 3 years ago but we have been through the same as you. she blames everything on me and tells me I am BP all the time... .this kind of relationship is very difficult and I too am like you I always think I will never be able to find someone but that's just not true for you or me however it would a little harder for me at my age of 52... .but you must pick your battles and try your best never to trigger or make her trigger... .if you have any direct questions feel free to let me know I'm not shy to share... .good luck, despr8