After a 10 month break up a cry for love and counselling

[Targeted]

After 10 months my ex got in contact and was very convincing, she was crying saying how much she missed me and would give up everything if we could just try counselling. By everything she meant her unnecessary male interactions and dating sites! When I agreed to go to counselling is when she started immediately with demands, I hath to get rid of this friend and that friend and so on, it took a couple of months I'm standing my ground saying I do not mind not interacting with other women but you will not tell me all my friends will be, we will just stick with relationship basics such as you don't go out with other guys and I don't go out with other girls! When we finally got to counselling it was all about me and how horrible I am, i'm a dog who checks out other women all the time and blah blah blah, how I have gave her no commitment and even though The majority of my financial struggles are due to this relationship I was never really invested!  I let her go on and on and when it was my turn to speak I pointed out directly the borderline behaviours with the insecurity about me looking at other women, I told the counsellor she accuses me of looking at other women even when we are on the phone 50 miles apart! I explain to him we have to be on the phone all day long and if I stop at a gas station for a soda it is because I am hunting! And all the other bizzare accusations, I kept my calm and just stated facts. A counsellor asked if there were any requests from both sides that would be the relationship better and more secure and of course me not looking at other women was hers, along with getting rid of all my friends who are losers and just focus on her, do you not speak to other women and spend more time with her!  All of which I did!  My requests were very simple and basic, I explained how this whole relationship was me always doing things for her and there was no reciprocation so I wanted her to think about me and cook me a dinner!  I asked for this because it is quite simple and she really never has done that in three years! I explained to the counsellor how her dating sites have been a ongoing problem in the relationship so in order for me to give my commitment in counselling they have to all be deleted! My only other request was that as long as we are going to counselling she does not go out with other men because this has been a great problem in our relationship! I thought my requests were basic and simple. After over two months of trying not one of my requests were met! We had a argument in the second week and she ran out with a guy that she met on a dating site during our break up! She still has not cooked me a dinner, and still has not deleted one of the more than four dating sites! We were doing nothing but arguing just like we did before so I told her seeing as how you ignored my requests to delete your dating sites, ignored my requests to not go out with other men even if we have a argument, and still to today have yet to do something as pathetically simple as cook me a dinner you will never do the work that you need to in order to have a relationship and I am done and I do not want to do this arguing any more! She told me all about how rotten I am and I am a cheater because I got a soda and said that I should have helped her delete her dating sites! I replied with your dating sites where are your mess to clean up not mine and you're in title meant is amazing that I always have to clean up your mess! Then she just says well you're the guy!  I said you are right, and are making a decision to end the arguing because you will not do your part,  in the last counselling session that we had I let the counsellor full well know that I read stop walking on eggshells and did a lot of Reading on the subject and she exhibits multiple traits of a borderline and unless she stops accusing me of ridiculousness and at least looks into this concern I will not concern myself with her any more!

It was a short lived attempt but at least I got my concerns heard by someone!  What makes it even better is a professional heard her say that I was a abusive partner, so he asked her if I have ever hit her! And she told him no he has never laid a hand on me and he never would! But then also admitted to the counsellor to hitting me and shoving me!

So I think it's fair to say to anyone wondering?  Relationship counselling is probably not going to fix the problem!  I have not posted here in a while but hello to everyone

[Trog]

I experienced the same as you when I went with my ex to councilling. The whole time we spoke about my problems and my abuses whilst the White elephant in the room, her being diagnosed with mental illnesses and refusing to acknowledge she has a problem/not take her meds/ not go to individual councilling was not addressed. For most it's an exercise in projection.

[bunnyrabit]

Ah, the joys of recycling 


Welcome back !

[Targeted]

Ah, the joys of recycling 


Welcome back !

Thank you!

The greatest thing about this is I am not upset like I was before!

I expected this to be the outcome but it gave me some more closure.

I like that I care about people the way I do and would do counselling with her again but she needs to get it that I am not willing to be the doormat for her any more.

So maybe a recycle? But at least a better educated one for the right reasons of getting help instead of just trying to meet her endless needs

[Dunder]

Targeted, Your post made me remember an essential fact of my relationship with my Ex. In our entire 8 month relationship the only gift she gave me was one of her used self-help psychology books. She insisted that I pay special attention to the parts she had highlighted.

[JRT]

Sorry to hear that you made a good effort but its outcome was less than what you had hoped for to say the least... .I suspect that I might be faced with a similar choice... .it took great courage on your part to make the attempt... .were you full NC for the 10 months that you were B/U?

[Targeted]

Sorry to hear that you made a good effort but its outcome was less than what you had hoped for to say the least... .I suspect that I might be faced with a similar choice... .it took great courage on your part to make the attempt... .were you full NC for the 10 months that you were B/U?

For the most part I remained no contact, out of the 10 months she would continue to find new ways to get a hold of me but I would not respond, she used other phone numbers, mailing letters, other people we know, having her co-workers call me, and so on!

So I unblock your phone number and answer the next call which was sent very day and said just stop because this does not work! That is when the crying started!

[Targeted]

Targeted, Your post made me remember an essential fact of my relationship with my Ex. In our entire 8 month relationship the only gift she gave me was one of her used self-help psychology books. She insisted that I pay special attention to the parts she had highlighted.

Mine has Books too!  The sympathetic poor me kind!   Codependent no more!  Four example!

And she is 40,000,000 miles away from codependent!