My boyfriend has BPD and it almost ruined my life~

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I met him online about a year ago. He flew to visit me a couple of months later. I was in the middle of a divorce and he was like a breath of fresh air, compared with what I has been going through the past four years. I flew to spend two weeks with him a while later, and we had an awesome time.

A few months later, he convinced me to move to his state, which I did, against my parents' and my brother's wishes, who thought I was making a huge mistake. Boy, did I ever.

He started believing that I was going to cheat on him. He would come to my work and watch me (I am a nurse), then when I would get home in the evening, he would tell me he saw me flirting with coworkers. Almost every day I worked he would do that. If I agreed to have lunch with him, he would flip out if I was a few minutes late. He believed he should be important enough for me to drop everything and go see him. Anyone who's ever been a nurse knows that it's almost impossible to predict when you'll be able to take your lunch, if you even have time for it. He would also get angry if I didn't call him on my break, or if I didn't text him during my shift. After work, he would ask me who I've been ___ing and where. It got to the point where I quit my job because I couldn't take the stress and anxiety of his interrogations. No amount of denying and telling him how much I loved him mattered.

I was away from my family, and I didn't have anyone to turn to. I was ashamed that I have failed in another relationship. I felt hopeless to the point that I was contemplating suicide. I stopped paying my bills and I basically gave him all my money, which he used to buy painkillers, while blaming me for his addiction.

Any normal person would have been long gone by now, but I obviously wasn't normal, by any means. I let him manipulate me into thinking it was all my fault, and I gave in to pretty much all of his demands.

Somehow, I managed to convince him that it would be better for us to go back to my old state, where I had been renting a house with my brother. I think he was eager to get away from his mother, who I believe also has BPD, or something related.

We've been here for almost two months. My parents came to visit for two weeks to see my brother graduate from college. They've been helping me financially, since both my bf and I were unemployed. I've been working now for about a month, and I've retained a lawyer to file for bankruptcy.

Last night I told him I was breaking up with him. I know he doesn't have the money to leave yet, but he had told me he wanted to choke my mom. He's been angry with me ever since they got here, saying I've betrayed him and that I've chosen them over him.

I haven't told my parents about his BPD, but they have some idea of what I've been going through. I honestly just want him to leave. I know that I can never make him realize the horrors he's put me through, and that hurts. I realize that if I was a well adjusted person, things wouldn't have gotten this far, so I'm angry with myself as well, but for right now, getting him out of my life is the best thing that I can do for myself.

I'm scared that he's going to flip out and hurt my family, so I've just been keeping my distance. I hadn't seen my parents since Christmas and I feel bad that I can't even enjoy myself around them, knowing that he's downstairs.

[Pufoshenia]

I met him online about a year ago. He flew to visit me a couple of months later. I was in the middle of a divorce and he was like a breath of fresh air, compared with what I has been going through the past four years. I flew to spend two weeks with him a while later, and we had an awesome time.

A few months later, he convinced me to move to his state, which I did, against my parents' and my brother's wishes, who thought I was making a huge mistake. Boy, did I ever.

He started believing that I was going to cheat on him. He would come to my work and watch me (I am a nurse), then when I would get home in the evening, he would tell me he saw me flirting with coworkers. Almost every day I worked he would do that. If I agreed to have lunch with him, he would flip out if I was a few minutes late. He believed he should be important enough for me to drop everything and go see him. Anyone who's ever been a nurse knows that it's almost impossible to predict when you'll be able to take your lunch, if you even have time for it. He would also get angry if I didn't call him on my break, or if I didn't text him during my shift. After work, he would ask me who I've been ___ing and where. It got to the point where I quit my job because I couldn't take the stress and anxiety of his interrogations. No amount of denying and telling him how much I loved him mattered.

I was away from my family, and I didn't have anyone to turn to. I was ashamed that I have failed in another relationship. I felt hopeless to the point that I was contemplating suicide. I stopped paying my bills and I basically gave him all my money, which he used to buy painkillers, while blaming me for his addiction.

Any normal person would have been long gone by now, but I obviously wasn't normal, by any means. I let him manipulate me into thinking it was all my fault, and I gave in to pretty much all of his demands.

Somehow, I managed to convince him that it would be better for us to go back to my old state, where I had been renting a house with my brother. I think he was eager to get away from his mother, who I believe also has BPD, or something related.

We've been here for almost two months. My parents came to visit for two weeks to see my brother graduate from college. They've been helping me financially, since both my bf and I were unemployed. I've been working now for about a month, and I've retained a lawyer to file for bankruptcy.

Last night I told him I was breaking up with him. I know he doesn't have the money to leave yet, but he had told me he wanted to choke my mom. He's been angry with me ever since they got here, saying I've betrayed him and that I've chosen them over him.

I haven't told my parents about his BPD, but they have some idea of what I've been going through. I honestly just want him to leave. I know that I can never make him realize the horrors he's put me through, and that hurts. I realize that if I was a well adjusted person, things wouldn't have gotten this far, so I'm angry with myself as well, but for right now, getting him out of my life is the best thing that I can do for myself.

I'm scared that he's going to flip out and hurt my family, so I've just been keeping my distance. I hadn't seen my parents since Christmas and I feel bad that I can't even enjoy myself around them, knowing that he's downstairs.

[Ceruleanblue]

I am so sorry you are going through all this. Living with someone with BPD can really do a number on you. It absolutely can make you question yourself, and they are very, very good at trying to make you think everything is your fault.

You have done some incredibly smart things though too. You got him to move back with you to your home state where you have the support of your family. If you want out of the relationship, I'm sure your family will help you. It's extremely troubling that he is threatening violence against your Mother. You need to stay safe yourself, and getting out of this, if that is what you want, might turn ugly.

Do you have a plan?

[Pufoshenia]

Well, we got it worked out to where he's going to stay for a month, save up money, then move out. He promised he won't speak to me or bother me in any way. I really think that he's blaming this on my parents and that I'll change my mind once they're gone.

Tonight is my first night back at work since we broke up and I feel like somebody punched me in the stomach. I really love him and I was planning to spend the rest of my life with him. I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know I should be thinking about all the times he's hurt me physically, emotionally, and financially but all I can think about are the good times and how awesome they were.

I think I'm pretty messed up. I know I don't want to get back with him. There's been so much bad already and I'm sick of walking on eggshells worrying that he'll snap. I think these feelings will eventually pass. I just have to stay strong until he leaves.