BPD undiagnosed

[Sad Mother]

I am 100% positive my daughter has BPD and have been convinced of this for several years.  Life is a constant struggle with many ups and downs, sadness and misery.  Then sometimes the occasional glimpse of hope for a "normal" daughter and relationship.  I have done extensive reading and discussed this with my doctor, (who was also her doctor till she left home) in an effort to cope with the abuse, have withdrawn then gone back for more.  I tried counselling in an effort to help me respond appropriately but the counsellors acknowledged I knew more than they did and couldn't help me.  My daughter believes everyone else is at fault and would not consider that it is her.

How do I bring this subject up without the rage that inevitably results from her and the tears from me when I am once again attacked?

She is now 32, in a 5 year common law relationship (that I don't believe will last more than another year) with 1 son 2 1/2 years old and a baby girl due in a month.  She lives in BC, me in Ontario.  If it wasn't for my grandkids I would withdraw completely as the pain is just too intense at times.  The behaviour was full on by the time she was 18.  Prior to that there were many, many signs she had behavioural issues but not like the behaviour exhibited after age 17/18.

How do I approach this?  I am afraid of her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Hello Sad Mother,



Your comments about the counsellors feel familiar to me. Mine told me over a year ago that I probably knew more about BPD than he did, despite his PhD and 25 years of experience. I looked to him for emotional support, nuggets of personal wisdom, and an unbiased opinion, nothing more. That being said, I'm glad you are here seeing support. We have a lot of material that can help, as well as members who can relate to what you are going through.

Projection (see here for more) is a common behavior for a pwBPD (person with BPD). It's an unhealthy coping mechansim used to focus away from inner pain.

You're far seperated geographically. How often do you see her and the grandkids?

[salal]

Sad Mother

I empathize.

I too haven't found counsellors (for D27 or for myself) who know much about BPD - and some don't even count it as a disorder. D27 has been diagnosed over the years with many disorders - but never BPD.

Sounds like you need lots of support right now. Such as this forum --. And making sure that you do some things just to connect with and affirm yourself ---  Keeping up with good friends? Yoga? Gardening? Etc -

BPD loved ones can really drag us away from a sense of our own selves - .

I too had a terrible Mothers Day. My daughter is also expecting a baby. I have no idea what is ahead --- . But I know we will not be the Brady Bunch.

Take care --

[Sad Mother]

How often do I see her is dependant on so many things? Last year for example my mother was quite ill so the trip I had booked for my grandsons 2nd birthday was cancelled.  She then said if I wasn't using my aeroplan miles she might as well use them so I transferred the trip to her and her and my grandson came to me.  After my mother recovered I wanted to get away from all the stress of the last several months (my mum was stable) and spend more time with my grandson so I flew west.  She also wanted me there for the gender reveal party so I went again less than 2 months later.  She did indicate she wanted me to come and help her as her pregnancy neared its end and to help her after the baby was born. But while I was there her partner said she was going back and forth, she wanted me there, she didn't want me there, she wanted just them, she wanted me too. A mistake I made - on the way to the airport - after the trip before last she asked if I was planning to go in with her when she had the baby. I said no. The first pregnancy she never told me the baby was born until he was 2 days old and her partner made her call me so I was shocked when she asked this question.  I made an excuse of not being able to see her in pain.  When I returned for the gender reveal party I brought it up and said if the offer was still open I would like to.  It wasn't. 

Back to your question I would like to go to visit every 3 months and or so but it is completely up to whether she is speaking to me or I don't exist.  Right now I don't exist.