Breaking down

[gomez_addams]

uBPDw just informed me that she plans to not work for a while, and is asking for the moon.

I'll be retaining a lawyer, and I'll let him/her advise, but right now I'm worried I may have commingled my entire life savings.

There's a possibility that I might be financially destroyed after a 2.5 year marriage with no kids.

I'm a sobbing mess.  I was supposed to leave my job in 2016 and go to college.  I scrimped and saved for a decade before meeting her. 

It's highly likely that right now I'm overthinking this, and will have some time to recover, and that the system (with my lawyer's help) won't screw me completely... .but just the thought is so overwhelming.  I can't stop crying.  My fear is that I might pay huge fees to a pay a medium settlement, which will drag on, versus paying an outrageous settlement up front.  Both would destroy the opportunity to go to college, and force me to scramble to find a new career without a degree.  My contract with my current employer is up in 2016, and my career field doesn't translate well (long story).

The thing that kills me is that I'm willing to be WAY more than fair.  Way more.  But my "fair" will be seen by her as low-balling and "not giving her the support she deserves"... .she wants to travel overseas for a while.  And wants me to cover her student loans (pre-marriage), and her lifestyle.

Thank God we don't have kids.

Gomez

[whirlpoollife]

For any bank accounts that is joint, you will be needing to take half at least and put it in an individual account.  If she sees that though she will question it.  You can tell her that is your college fund ,period.

My xh walked all over me with guilting me out of money. I have drained savings many times over to pay his debts. (27 yrs)  Even post divorce he is trying for money by either to not pay c/s or receive spousal support, and smear campaign.

So... .these people will never change !

You are not her human ATM.

Her free lifestyle is not up to you just because you are her husband. ( I was to believe from xh, that just because we were married , my money became our money for his way to spend , or not work)

If she try's for spousal support or , her income can get imputed to where you don't have to pay any. Plus with a short marriage you probably won't.

Before she gets the idea that you plan to divorce , move any financial records , or change passwords, so you are the one who  has them. If she gets hold of them , you will never see them again.

[livednlearned]

These divorces can and do feel like big losses. It's hard when we have to start looping in lawyers and watch money go down the drain. You have two goals, it's good to keep these clear in your mind. One is to get a reasonable settlement. The other, and this one is important, is to get her to settle, period. People with BPD want to stay negatively engaged.

With the first goal, ask your L about skilled negotiators. Read up about how to do it well. Someone skilled in mediation and negotiations with narcissists/borderlines can go a long way to diffusing the unnecessary conflict and unnecessary expense. It might be worth contacting someone at www.highconflictinstitute.com to see how you find a negotiator trained in high-conflict mediation where you live. A lot of people who come here to these boards do not arrive with these skills (big reason why we ended up in these relationships), so we can't imagine that someone might actually know how to negotiate with a BPD person. Yes, there are a lot of high-conflict cases here that drag on forever and cost a lot, there are also cases that settle up and boom. It's done.

With the second goal, think really really really hard about leverage to get her to settle quickly. Most lawyers try to get their clients to settle to avoid court, so in many cases, the other L is actually an ally, in a weird way. Your leverage might be that you are going back to school in 2016 in which case there will be less money to split. Either she takes the amount you offer her now, or she gets a lot less in 2016. Not exactly that example, but you get the point.

Fortunately, it was a short marriage -- in some states, courts don't even award alimony if the marriage is under 10 years. And it's unlikely (check with an L) that you will be on the hook for her student loans. Keep the email of her saying she has no plans to work, and he intention to travel. If you have applied to college, save that documentation.

I think you're experiencing what is commonly called all-or-nothing thinking -- it happens when we're feeling stressed. Often in life there is more than just one way things will turn out. You understandably feel that she will bankrupt your dreams, and the court will screw you. I had a high-conflict case and ended up with sole custody and the judge terminated visitation. The judge was excellent, my L was excellent, the therapists, the schools, everyone along the way has been top-notch. When I started this process, I was drowning in fear and anxiety, divorcing a high-conflict former trial attorney! I thought my life was over.

Not saying that your ex won't make things difficult for you -- these are not easy divorces. Just that there are a lot of variables and the more motivated you are to work in your favor, the better chances you'll have a favorable outcome.

[maxen]

uBPDw just informed me that she plans to not work for a while

did she inform you of this in writing? if so, keep that. there is a legal operation called "imputing", by which in a divorce an income will be imputed to an employable person who refuses to work or look for work.

The thing that kills me is that I'm willing to be WAY more than fair.  Way more.

the process of divorce is a time of emotional challenge. i and others here discovered things about ourselves in the process that we never knew. one of these lessons for me was learning to defend my own interests without feeling guilty about it. don't assume consequences for responsibilities that are hers - and she's half (or more) responsible for the situation you've reached. rather than think about "fair", think about "what I and my L can negotiate." it's very, very hard - my L had to persist in giving me this message - but start now to separate your emotions from your case.

But my "fair" will be seen by her as low-balling and "not giving her the support she deserves"... .she wants to travel overseas for a while.

 

right - entitlement. your generous instincts won't be reciprocated.

And wants me to cover her student loans (pre-marriage)

you don't have to, those are her debts

Fortunately, it was a short marriage -- in some states, courts don't even award alimony if the marriage is under 10 years.

in NYS if a marriage is very short, the courts will put "the parties as they were before". i don't know where you are, but please ask about this.

[gomez_addams]

Fortunately, it was a short marriage -- in some states, courts don't even award alimony if the marriage is under 10 years.

in NYS if a marriage is very short, the courts will put "the parties as they were before". i don't know where you are, but please ask about this.

We're just under the 2.5 year mark.  Not sure if that is characterized as "very short" or not.  Will ask the L.

I'd sign that in a heartbeat.  There'd be a substantial payout in terms of my retirement investments getting bigger in the past 2.5 years, but I'd write that check and move on.

I will ask my L about it.

Gomez

[ForeverDad]

You are feeling like the sky is falling down upon you.  That's understandable, but just subjective.  Getting a few legal consultations with experienced family law attorneys will shine light on the other side of the coin, the reality, so to speak.  Subjective versus objective.  Feelings versus reality.  Fear versus fact.

The fact is that the longer you are married, the more difficult it will be.  Whether there is a difference between 2.5 years versus 3 years, I don't know.  But why risk it?  I am the first to speak up positively for healthy and functional marriage but the best path if the marriage has failed is that you then (1) promptly learn where you stand legally in your state and area, (2) develop practical strategies to deal with all the obstacles she is using against you and (3) once you've got things under control as best you can thentake action sooner rather than later.

News flash... .being nice, being fair, being overly nice, overly fair, overly whatever, etc, that won't make her any happier.  Common sense doesn't work well at all when dealing with acting-out personality disorders.  It sounds like she an entitled user/controller.  Common experience here.  The best outcome is when you set firm boundaries and stick to them.  Being reasonable and giving in has the reverse effect, it signals weakness and incites more demands and ultimatums.

Inaction is a choice just as action is.  Until now she's kept you off balance, confused and stuck in inaction.  Time to change that.  Call up some family law attorneys, get multiple consultations.  Pick the lawyer that has the best proactive strategy and you feel comfortable working with.  You need more than a basic form filer and hand holder.  Yes, there are no children and the marriage is fairly short, it ought to be simple but she can still delay, obstruct, try to grab as many of your assets as she can and try to dump her many debts onto you.  For your own self-preservation you can't let that happen.

[gomez_addams]

Thanks, everyone.

I really do appreciate this board.  First website I check when I get in from work.

Gomez

[ForeverDad]

uBPDw just informed me that she plans to not work for a while

did she inform you of this in writing? if so, keep that. there is a legal operation called "imputing", by which in a divorce an income will be imputed to an employable person who refuses to work or look for work.

An acting-out disordered person's natural impulse is exaggerated negatively.  While you might be inclined to turn down extra jobs during a divorce so as not to show increased income, notice what your ex did.  She is quit her job so as to make herself look destitute and appear as needy as possible - even posturing as a Victim/Target ("Look at what he is doing to me while I'm down!" - during the divorce.  That is exaggerated behavior, though no surprise to members here.  That's why you have to be very proactive.  In this situation you need to make sure the court is aware of her timing and have her income imputed as mentioned by maxen.

This is why you simply can't allow your otherwise excellent sense of fairness quality to be in control.  If you succumb to these noble inclinations (now, at this time) then you will be sabotaging yourself.  Remember the old illustration, ":)on't bring a knife to a gunfight"?  Well, ":)on't bring cake and cookies to a gunfight!"  Yes, enabling her poor behaviors is what you would be effectively doing.

Also, beware of making multiple offers, even countering your own offers with sweeter deals when she miffs you.  Being reasonable is perceived and interpreted as weakness, not helpfulness, and it generally invites/enables more and more demands.

Without children, it should be a less complicated case, likely too simpler separation of marital assets/debts and no long term support.  However what is obvious to you will be denied by her most likely.  While you do still want to find a reasonable settlement and always stay open to one, you will find that keeping the case moving along as fast as possible will either (1) get a much better decision from the judge or (2) near the end of the case she may relent and agree to something less unreasonable.

Notice I said marital assets and debts.  The marriage was relatively short, your lawyer consultations will confirm whether premarital assets and debts remain with the individuals, in most states they do.  Of course, family law is a bit mushy and judges often have latitude in their rulings but nearly always you will get a better decision from a judge than concessions for an acting-out disordered ex.