Moving out.

[stepmomma]

The past couple of months have been a roller coaster. After getting the diagnoses of BPD, my step-daughter 18 went to DBT for about three weeks then informed us that she didn't need to go and that she felt she was just venting and she could work through her problems on her own. Now she is moving out with a friend and telling family and friend that we are so happy about it and we don't want her at the house. My husband and I are always the bad guys -- its great.

Since we had to pull her out of school because of her suicide threats we've been trying to help her and at first we thought she wanted to get help for herself too but apparently not. She is back to her erratic behavior and prowling after boys.  Is it wrong that I'm relieved she is moving out? I just want peace.

I've also been thinking a lot about my role in all of this. I'm her step-mom, it would be a challenging relationship even without the BPD. I 'm thinking that I just need to support my husband and stay out of everything else. I am kind, I engage in pleasant small talk with her but I cannot listen to her nonsense anymore. She spends most of her time trying to manipulate me anyway. My husband (her dad) actually does a great job with the validation, he remains calm when discussing things with her, he's also great with his boundaries, so I feel I should let him handle it. I don't handle things as well as him. I don't know if this is right or wrong and the very least I don't think it will hurt anything. I feel I 'm not coping very well and I'm looking for a better way to deal with all of this. So far I feel much better. Until she is willing to work on her own issues I think this might be the dynamic or our relationship.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Stepmomma,

I don't think poorly of you for feeling a sense of relief that your step d is moving out.  It will bring some peace to the environment that you dwell in and that is something to be grateful for.

I agree that the role of parent is not yours to take on.  Step kids will often through back in your face the efforts to help guide and direct them even when they ask for your help.   Being more in the "friend" category works better, and then sometimes our step's reject us as well.

I'm glad to learn that your husband has such good skills!  I hope that you will also pick up on them as they will serve you both well with each other and all the other people in your lives.  When things get tough with his daughter having the validation from you would mean a lot.

lbj

[Middleagemom]

Hello from one stepmom to another

First, I agree that the space provided by your SD moving out will benefit you and your husband in that you have an opportunity to spiritually and emotionally breathe for a while.  Sadly, both of you have received a kick in the teeth while she is on her way out the door but you know its just more *nonsense* as you put it.

I also concur with your view to put your energies into supporting your husband as he works through his role as father to this girl.  Dealing with those that are mentally ill is exhausting.

[js friend]

Hi Stepmomma,

I felt the same way about my own dd moving out. I couldnt wait.The rollercoaster was becoming too much and was actually counting down the days until her 18th birthday to show her the door ( I Know... .how terrible does that sound ) but luckily she decided to move out her own accord a year early just after her 17th birthday.It was a mixture of relief and sadness all in one, and nothing like i had when she was a child  imagined how it would be. dd is my youngest  yet the first to leave home. That was the sad part. dd was ready to take that step, but was still a vulnerable  immature child in my eyes, but also thank goodness she left when she did. If I had waited another year im sure that i would have had a breakdown with all i was dealing with at the time. She now has 2 children in tow now and  has successfully been out of my home for 3 years now.She is managing pretty well in and is very resourceful like a cat with 9 she lives she always bounces back and in typical pwBPD says she claims she has had to "fight for everything she has ever got" and  Ive got peace back in my home which is priceless.

Your dh sounds like a very supportive man who wants to be able to have a r/s with his dd and understand her.Being there in the background to emotionally support your dh without getting directly involved will be a tremendous help to him .There were lots of times i felt unsupported and without anyone close to turn to which made riding the rollercoaster so much harder.