Feeling like I am going to surrender

[Cmjo]

I left almost three years ago and it was definitely the right thing to do, as I could not accept the erratic moody behaviour and emotional abuse of me and the kids age 11 and 13 by exBPDh.

Lets say I am now on the verge of giving in and going back. I live in a rented house just round the corner and we have shared the kids 3 days him 4 days me.

These are the reasons

- he was diagnosed with BPD this year, I suspected it when I left and he agreed to seek specialist help, and I feel recognising the issue he is making some progress

- I have read so much about BPD I feel I could probably use all the tools I know now to set my own boundaries, and we could have a better chance of healthy communication and respect

- he is in many ways an extraordinary man, very capable, artistic, attractive, attentive, adventurous, I think he is worth striving to rekindle the relationship for a long term furture together.

- he has also been 50% carer for the kids since they were born and made it possible for me to have a career

- its been a superhuman effort on my part to organise the kids lives and make the twice weekly changeover with their school books and I cant face any more of it!

- I want to make one more attempt to keep the family together,

- I moved to this country to be with him, we were in love and for a while I was the happiest Ive ever been, and now Ive gone I am very alone

-  Now my daughter is starting high school and I want her to have the most stability she can have to help her, stay in one place, not to have to explain to her new friends her confusing life

- I have been constantly pressured by him and his Dad to give up my resistance and "reunite the family"

- financially Im in a black hole with the rent and expenses of my new home just wiping out my income so Inlive from hand to mouth

- on the other hand since I left I set up my own business which is successful, and my own self esteem is at an all time high

So many reasons yet some people just say" but do you love him"? I dont know I have very mixed feeling. Lets just say I want to rekindle that love that we had. I want my partner back, I want him to have his partner back.

I wonder if any of you feel there is enough here to make it worth trying again. Words like surrender and inevitable come to mind... .It doesnt make me feel proud of myself, changing my mind, but with children and financial issues there are so many other considerations!

My friends and family have mixed views. My best friend says I must have amnesia. Is she right? Am I the only one who knows? I have no certainty, I am on a fence.

Surely if I am not resolved to never go back, it means going back must be an option ... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cmjo, I understand your dilemma.  What are some of the reasons that caused you to leave three years ago?  To me, your post sounds a little like you are trying to convince yourself that going back is a good idea, yet I sense that your gut feelings may be different.  What are your gut feelings?  Try to do some thinking from the neck down.  It sounds like you are doing a lot of rationalizing.  I did the same thing myself many times during a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD.

Lucky Jim

[Cmjo]

You are right and so intuitive... .!

I want to go back because I want the kids back in the house they grew up in, and in the house that I actually own! I left the house because BPDh has an obsessive hold over it because his father built it, it was just put in my name for tax reasons, but I lived there for 10 years with him. Its a very big house, loads of space, if I move back I could convert the whole basement to my own living space, study area, piano room.

All those reasons seem quite persuasive to me, but the list is unbalanced there are reasons not to go back too.

I left becauSe of his uncontrollable anger and verbal and emotional abuse towards me and the kids. And our inability to resolve anything because we had conversations that went in circles that later he forgot about. And his totally low self-esteem and negativity, which wore me down.

My gut feeling says this behaviour will probably return, he has pleaded with me for three years to go back and says he will do anything to make things right again, but I am realistic there is a limit at age 50 to how he can radically change. My gut feeling says I dont think I am in love with this man any more and I cant be sure that love will come back.

I wonder if I can leanr the tools and practice radical acceptance if that is possible I can keep the family together, more than anything for the rest of the kids school lives, after that my gut feeling says things wont be much better and I might have to take off again... .

[Surg_Bear]

You are right and so intuitive... .!

I want to go back because I want the kids back in the house they grew up in,

You do realize that they ARE in the house that they grew up in? It is their home half a week. Every week. They have not lost that- YOU HAVE.

Take a look at your list of reasons to go back.  How many are YOUR reasons? I see only one that could really be called LOVE for the man with whom you are considering re-marrying, or whatever you are calling it.

He has been diagnosed with BPD.  This is not curable.  It will never go away.  It is insidious, and BPD unchecked is a very powerful narcotic that can draw you in, keep you in a situation where you very easily give up your soul, and live pathologically enmeshed and individually imprisoned ever after.  You are right to be hopeful for him and for yourself- both of you are on the right track.  It MIGHT work.  It MIGHT be better.  But, realistically, the only way it WILL is if you accept the new relationship you build with each other will still need to be one sided- you will make the most accommodations, you will need to draw the line, you will need to maintain your boundaries with vigilance, you will need to have a bag packed in the trunk of your car, you will do the lion's share of the work to maintain emotional stability.  He will do none of this for you as a person, or as a couple.  The best he can be expected to do is self soothe when he feels dysregulated, instead of taking it out on you.  

Have you changed enough to prevent all of the terrible ways of interacting, all of the past traumas from being awakened and relived in a brand new way, on a brand new day?

Are you aware enough to see that the whole reason that you are considering re-coupling with him is a BPD manipulation tactic?

I know this to be true.

How many people on BPD have been broken up with their pwBPD, only to go back against all of their personal best intentions?  People who suffer BPD are excellent at destroying a relationship- this is obvious and visible to anyone who looks.  What is equally true, and so very hard to define, measure, and study in any scientific way, is the power that pwBPD have to suck their victims back into the hell.  The fact that you are considering going back- this is a feature of BPD.  He is manipulating you into thinking you want to do this for YOUR reasons.

Eleven years ago, I re-married my ex-wife of 5 years.  Our second marriage started out blissfully fulfilling (like the first) and gradually, under the radar, it got really, really TERRIBLE again.

I went back with my wife because I loved her- never stopped loving her, even though she left, broke my heart, filed for divorce, and I received the papers on Christmas eve- alone in the apartment I found for us- my wife and 3 year old daughter to share.  No Christmas tree, no presents- just me alone. Reading divorce papers.  I had been served.

I read your post and thought, this chick is getting charmed back into misery.

Even if you are doing it for love (which I believe has not been shown in any way in your above posts), be VERY careful that you are doing it for YOU.  Any other reason is just not worth the pain you will be getting yourself back into.

Good luck.  This is a hard decision to make.  You are essentially trying to abandon the life you built for yourself and your children with the sole purpose of maintaining a safe fortress around your heart.  Can you go back to him and maintain this fortress?

Love,

Surg_Bear

[Lucky Jim]

I left becauSe of his uncontrollable anger and verbal and emotional abuse towards me and the kids. And our inability to resolve anything because we had conversations that went in circles that later he forgot about. And his totally low self-esteem and negativity, which wore me down.

Hello again, cmjo, Surge Bear makes some good points.  Your quote, above, is one that I could have written, as I suspect could many other Nons on this Board.  You are not alone, believe me.  Yes, I've experienced the rage and abuse, have had the circular conversations and ultimately exhausted all of my resources.  BPD is a bottomless pit in which I came close to drowning were it not for two kind friends and a family member who pulled me out of the toxic soup.  It's not pretty on the inside of a BPD r/s, as you well know, so think of yourself first.  Do you really want to subject yourself to again being the object of someone's abuse?  Tread carefully, here, my friend.

LuckyJim

LuckyJim

[Cmjo]

LOVE. The is the big issue isnt it? Yes you are both right.

There are lots of practical reasons to go back but no deep feelings. Yes I care about him, yes he is important to me, but I have built a fortress and been very tough in the face of brutal and relentless attempts to wear down my resolve even after leaving. Love ended when trust ended. Trust ended because of unpredictability and not knowing what would happen next.

I feel gulty because people describe him as a broken man. But I dont want to be his Caretaker.

He would give me a lot of support if I went back, he is an incredible home builder, irons, cleans floor, cooks, shops, paints, plays music... .but has no capacity for rational logical two way conversation, sometimes I think he keeps really busy to hide his emptiness and lack of empathy inside.

The night I left he ranted at me about being like Saddam Hussein using my children like weapons, and last week he sent me an email about him being in a white coat waiting to find out if he was going to be sent to Siberia by Stalin. Just weird and off the wall. Not easy to "accept". If I questioned it he would get angry or try to justify it. So three years on no nothing has changed, he started therapy but apparently is only doing it to get me back.

We cant talk about it, for him it is black or white I go back or I dont. I have to decide, or just as I am doing maintain my distance, and living day by day until the clouds part and I can see a happy healthy future however that will happen.

[Lucky Jim]

Years ago, I attended some Al-Anon meetings because, in addition to being BPD, my Ex was an alcoholic.  (alcohol/substance abuse are common for a pwBPD).  Anyway, they handed out a pamphlet saying (I'm paraphrasing here) that Love cannot survive in a r/s with an alcoholic.  The same, I suspect, can be said for a r/s with a pwBPD.  Those that stay, and I was one of them, probably think that they deserve the abuse, sad to say.  Well, I don't feel that way anymore and I'm never again going to allow myself to be the object of anyone's abuse.  That's my boundary.

LuckyJim