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[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey Friends,

I call you all friends because I assume from my past couple weeks of perusing the boards many of us are kindred spirits! I have been married to my h for 27 years and am really struggling tonight with a particular behavior that leaves me so angry and hands up in the air I don't know what to do with it! by the way my h has been diagnosed with PTSD and nothing could convince me BPD isn't there as well but he won't go back to counseling so I sit with what I have. We have 4 grown children and I recently made an emergency trip to be with our second daughter who was having complications with her first pregnancy. I had originally planned to be there for the birth and planned and saved months in advance to purchase tickets, could not get h to commit to go with me, left it in his park that a last minute decision wouldn't work budget wise. i bought only one ticket. Got a call she was having an emergency c-section and I went two weeks earlier than planned couldn't even share with h because he was on a silent treatment. I attempted to approach and discuss my possibly leaving early to which I was told to leave his presence because I make him sick! So i made arrangements with the airline and flew out the next morning while he was at work. (i make every attempt to not surprise him with anything). My other children knew I was leaving and we had a plan of care in place for their sake and his. we have been in touch by text but he waited a full ten days before calling me, we then had a significant fight that I am not proud of. he texted me over the next couple of days inquiring if i was sorry for treating him badly, i chose to ignore that question. I am soo weary of this crap! We have had a couple of calls since then. so tonight I went online to pay our bills and I see that he has taken out a loan. I am certain that it is for an automobile. This has been problematic our entire relationship and five years ago i said no more... .i can't manage the financial irresponsibility any longer. No loans without discussing it (I manage and pay all of our bills, we both work) he works a very part time job outside of his fulltime work that I don't ask him to combine with joint finances this is his play money, if he wants to by a car out of that not a problem just don't mess with the family budget. A year ago right now he did just that bought a sports car out of his play account, and now tonight I see he bought something. I feel as if there is no way to practice boundaries! he will just look at me remind me he makes more than me and that Im not his mom and I cant tell him what to do. what do others do with such blatant costly behaviors? did I mention we had to borrow money to pay tax debt, How can their thinking be so damn in the moment. I am barely managing the budget as it stands and now another payment i don't know how to pay.   

[strongerthanU]

Hey Friends,

I call you all friends because I assume from my past couple weeks of perusing the boards many of us are kindred spirits! I have been married to my h for 27 years and am really struggling tonight with a particular behavior that leaves me so angry and hands up in the air I don't know what to do with it! by the way my h has been diagnosed with PTSD and nothing could convince me BPD isn't there as well but he won't go back to counseling so I sit with what I have. We have 4 grown children and I recently made an emergency trip to be with our second daughter who was having complications with her first pregnancy. I had originally planned to be there for the birth and planned and saved months in advance to purchase tickets, could not get h to commit to go with me, left it in his park that a last minute decision wouldn't work budget wise. i bought only one ticket. Got a call she was having an emergency c-section and I went two weeks earlier than planned couldn't even share with h because he was on a silent treatment. I attempted to approach and discuss my possibly leaving early to which I was told to leave his presence because I make him sick! So i made arrangements with the airline and flew out the next morning while he was at work. (i make every attempt to not surprise him with anything). My other children knew I was leaving and we had a plan of care in place for their sake and his. we have been in touch by text but he waited a full ten days before calling me, we then had a significant fight that I am not proud of. he texted me over the next couple of days inquiring if i was sorry for treating him badly, i chose to ignore that question. I am soo weary of this crap! We have had a couple of calls since then. so tonight I went online to pay our bills and I see that he has taken out a loan. I am certain that it is for an automobile. This has been problematic our entire relationship and five years ago i said no more... .i can't manage the financial irresponsibility any longer. No loans without discussing it (I manage and pay all of our bills, we both work) he works a very part time job outside of his fulltime work that I don't ask him to combine with joint finances this is his play money, if he wants to by a car out of that not a problem just don't mess with the family budget. A year ago right now he did just that bought a sports car out of his play account, and now tonight I see he bought something. I feel as if there is no way to practice boundaries! he will just look at me remind me he makes more than me and that Im not his mom and I cant tell him what to do. what do others do with such blatant costly behaviors? did I mention we had to borrow money to pay tax debt, How can their thinking be so damn in the moment. I am barely managing the budget as it stands and now another payment i don't know how to pay.   

[GaGrl]

Can you tell him that he is responsible for paying it, it is outside the budget? It's not in your name, right? So what could happen? It gets repossessed and his credit gets dinged?

[strongerthanU]

Ya I could, to no avail. He will remind me which he did this morning to quit telling him what to do with HIS money. which is why we had the arrangement that if he was going to make those kinds of purchases it would be out of his personal account not our joint finances. However, he took this loan out in his name only and had it automatically attached to our joint account. His personal account is at a separate bank. We texted this morning and he feels that I control our finances and don't let him spend HIS hard earned cash as he chooses. It is never "our" finances it is his and I am a b-word who controls him. Just for the record this is his second Harley motorcycle in addition to three brand new car purchases in two and a half years. He'll want something else as soon as the new wears off! Thus he will sneak around and shop behind my back. He doesn't keep all of these purchases he trades up when boredom sets in which is additionally costly in bank fees, interest, loan fees, licensing and insuring and what not. He did inform as he always does that I need to be on my own so I can be the boss of me and not him.