My first step...

[2findpeace]

This is my first post. it’s Mother’s Day, and it has been difficult navigating my relationship with my 22 year old BPD daughter today. It is difficult to say that out loud. To talk about it out loud. to do this. And yet, I know that I need some support for myself in order to be healthy and to have the insight, the resources and the strength to help her. I don’t know where to begin in attempting to untangle the crazy knot that has become our relationship. And I see the same dynamic within her other relationships, which are very few. My heart breaks for her as she breaks my heart, over and over again. Yet, until I can somehow make sense of it... .look at the individual components involved, I don’t feel that I can find healthy ways of coping with it. How do you cope with the great “Unknown?”

Her attacks can be so brutal and so insane that they completely disarm me. How can anyone live their life ever ready for the next one? So, I spend the “In between” times in some kind of strange denial, pretending that everything is actually normal, that... .”That just happened”, that maybe it won’t happen again. That it is so irrational, it can’t possibly happen again. That she is a smart girl, and she will have a huge “Ah-ha” moment any day now, and we will have a normal, loving relationship and will both look back and just say “Wow... .wasn’t that crazy?” Yes, that seems the safer place to live than in the soul crushing grip of the potential truth that “My daughter is profoundly disturbed.” My beautiful, beautiful daughter. The mother of my grandsons. The girl who has the perfect life on Facebook. The little girl that I read bedtime stories to, and taught how to make daisy chains, and dreamed of her bright future.

The girl that nobody really knows. She doesn’t even know herself. She shifts like the sand in a storm. She loves, and hates, and rages. She tells strange half truths without really 'Lying” so as to make me question my own interpretation of things. She is utterly sweet and selfless, seeming to help me out, to be empathetic, to be kind; only to use those acts against me later in some way: “You mean after I brought you dinner, you can’t even... .” But, if I do something kind and loving for her, she interprets it as “Something you are doing out of a sense of guilt. Not because you want to.” My daughter is always a victim. She is always, it seems, being mistreated by somebody. There is always a “Bad guy” in her life. There has to be. She cannot live in any sort of peace. There must be negative chaos. Always. MUST BE.

And I am a peace-lover. I am mellow, and laid back, and believe in the inherent good of my fellow humans. I love animals, and waterfalls, and classical music, and photography. I thrive in calm environments. I abhor drama. I build and nurture my relationships with compassion and mutual respect. My relationships with other people are healthy and happy. I am 51 years old now. I raised three children, and when I am not working, I am ready for some tranquility; evenings and weekends. But I rarely get that. Because, like an empty canvas, my down-time is filled by my daughter, with chaos, crisis and drama to the point that I daydream of literally running away and holing up somewhere to live out the rest of my life in peace.

I find myself resenting that, and I don’t like feeling that way. I resent that my time is spent trying to either help her through a crisis, or attempting to shield myself against one of her attacks, when I become the target... .which is very often. I resent that time I could spend relaxing and reading a novel by an open fire is instead spent reading up on BPD, or trying to find sensible defenses against her skilled and constant manipulation. I resent that I constantly feel that I am about to be emotionally assaulted with a barrage of bizarre accusations, which just leave me stunned and speechless, staring at a daughter who is both impossible to communicate with and is closed to the possibility of doing so anyway. I resent that my hard earned money will shortly be spent on a therapist for myself, rather than anything but that. However, I know I need to do so.

I don’t know how to help her. I don’t know how to help myself. I feel hurt, and overwhelmed and often blame myself for her condition. I’ve lost the ability to distinguish between “My life” and “Her life” and my responsibility to her in terms of living my own life; which she wants to call the shots for, in the name of “concern” for me. She gets very angry over everything from my picking out paint colors for my house, to my other relationships (Other children, family, friends, boyfriend.) I live my life under her scathing microscope. I cherish the moments of clarity that she does sometime have, in which she knows she needs help and wants to get it. In which she seems to recognize herself clearly and she loathes and fears “That person.” Moments of heartbreaking lucidity and honesty. Fleeting moments. Then she is gone again.

More than anything, at this point, I want to learn ways of deflecting her attacks. I want to learn what she is doing, why she is doing it, and how to save myself from being crushed and possibly how to help her to see what she is doing. (She seems incapable of that sort of insight. In her mind, the most irrational things somehow seem to make sense to her.) I want to be there for my grandsons as they grow up with her. I want to draw her outside of herself so that she might be present for them, for herself, for life. She is very, very self absorbed.

I am here to seek direction, and advice.  A place to go where others understand me. I am here to find answers, and ultimately to find peace within the storm that is my daughter.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi 2findpeace,

Welcome to the Parent's Board, we are very glad to have you here with us.  I'm sorry to learn that your d22 is suffering from BPD and that you are suffering alongside her.  The confusion, fear and overwhelming feelings of loss are, unfortunately common for us parents. You have come to the right place to begin to address your desires to understand what's behind your daughter's behaviors and what you can do to help her, yourself, and have a better relationship with her. 

When I first arrived here, armed with my 12 year old daughter's diagnoses of emerging BPD I soon discovered that I would have to create a safe place emotionally and mentally for myself if I was going to be able to absorb and practice the skills needed to help my daughter.  I had to set some boundaries for self preservation to create my safe place.  Does this sound like something you need for yourself as well?

The Lessons to the right of the page contain a great deal of information to help you better understand this confusing disorder and how it affects your daughter.  Some of it  may sound familiar to you and reading the workshops and member discussions related to the clinical information can provide different perspectives and levels of understanding you may not have previously considered.  For this reason I encourage you to explore them and absorb all that you can.

I can feel the very deep desire you have to repair and grow your relationship with your daughter, love is the greatest motivator of all.

I look forward to learning more about you and your daughter, I look forward to walking with you on this path of understanding, acceptance, and a more peaceful life.

lbjnltx

[marie1057]

Hi, I truly understand what you are going thru. My undiagnosed 23 son refused to even say the words Happy Mother's Day yesterday. He lives in only negative emotions. I have only been learning about BPD for about 4 or 5 months. I feel positive he has it. I started counselling for myself and it is the most helpful way for me to survive the daily trauma. I am suggesting you consider counselling and a support system. This board is wonderful. I am at the point of looking for a summer place at the beach to rent so I can get away and have some peace. I hope I can find somewhere affordable so I can reflect, relax and enjoy some time away from this mess. I went thru the guilt stage of was it my fault he developed this illness and now I am grieving the life he may never have if he chooses to not acknowledge his illness and get the help he needs. I am grieving the loss of a loving relationship with my son since he acts like he hates me. The daily anger, avoidance, lack of responsibility, depression, not keeping a job, blaming everybody, is overbearing. My husband works all the time so he doesn't witness the daily despair. I don't find using the skills easy to do and I think it will be easier to escape to the beach, However, I realize in the long run I can't escape forever.

So we will learn together how to take care of ourselves and how to relate to our children.

[mileenie]

I have no advice as I just came to the board looking for advice as well. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I am sorry it is so hard. I understand it.

[BeingB]

We have the same story. 

[SueLee]

Welcome, I too am a newbie to the board. And your story could be my life! I have a D23 BPD and just reins chaos and upset constantly.

I am curious how old your GS's are? And what impact her diagnosis has on their lives. I worry about my 2 yr old GD and how it will impact her.

My D also has the perfect FB life and is the perfect mom in everyone's eyes. I can so relate!

[stepmomma]

This could be our story too I have so many of the same thoughts and feelings with my step-daughters. I too am trying to learn how to cope. I guess I just wanted you know that you are not alone and I'm sorry.

[2findpeace]

Being new here, I'm still trying to figure out exactly how to reply to individuals on the board here, but anyway... .my grandchildren are 3 years old and 8 months old. Both boys. In reading different accounts from children growing up with a BPD mother, it can be a difficult road for them, and they are likely to develop psychological problems of their own as a result. As grandparents, hopefully we are able to at least provide them with a measure of stability and a different view of the world. But, we can't change their day to day living environment.

It is so strange, but such a relief, to hear others on here who can relate to this bizarre life. SueLee said "My D also has the perfect FB life and is the perfect mom in everyone's eyes." Even my daughters pediatrician thinks she is the best mom in the world. EVERYONE sees the cute little, laughing, perfectionist young woman who loves to cook, posts photos of her family every weekend at the park, all spotless and laughing with captions like "I am so blessed. My entire life is about this beautiful family of mine! My life is complete!" Only to come to me later and tell me how burnt out on parenting she is, how she "Hates" her fiance' and took her engagement ring off, how she feels like she is "Not real" she periodically "wants to die" and she is so utterly self absorbed in the negative loop of her life that it is literally impossible to have an actual conversation with her. My head is spinning, and all everyone else in the world sees is this "Perfect daughter."

As a parent, I want this to be true. I want to see what everyone else sees. It creates a crazy little space in my own head, where I sometimes wonder if it's not as bad as I make it out to be in my own mind? But then, her fiance' comes over in tears and I am forced to look at the reality. BUT... .how can someone actually so profoundly disordered appear to be so wonderfully together to the rest of the world?

It's been a particularly rough couple of weeks and I'm exhausted. Most of all, I am deeply sad for my daughter, who although she has left her loved ones in ruins, is the one who most needs the reassurance and nurturing, and support. Right? That's how it seems. It is so very, very confusing. Her demanding an apology from me for something she did wrong. Her going home and sending me an article to read about a personality disorder she is pretty sure I must have. She is the attacker, but she is the victim. I am so confused and lost in the mess. It is a comfort to know that I am not alone. Thank you, everyone for sharing your experiences.

[lbjnltx]

As grandparents, hopefully we are able to at least provide them with a measure of stability and a different view of the world. But, we can't change their day to day living environment.

This may seem like "not enough" and it is all you really can do at this point, it does mean a lot to them in the long run though... .having a loving, accepting, and understanding safe harbor in the storms of life is necessary.

BUT... .how can someone actually so profoundly disordered appear to be so wonderfully together to the rest of the world?

This is difficult to understand 2findpeace.  BPD is a disorder marked by difficulties in interpersonal relationships.  The most interpersonal relationships we have in life are with our parents, siblings, our spouse/lover, our children and last but not least... .ourselves.  It stands to reason that a person with this disorder will display their dysfunction to family and spouse/lover before others.

It's been a particularly rough couple of weeks and I'm exhausted. Most of all, I am deeply sad for my daughter, who although she has left her loved ones in ruins, is the one who most needs the reassurance and nurturing, and support. Right? That's how it seems. It is so very, very confusing. Her demanding an apology from me for something she did wrong. Her going home and sending me an article to read about a personality disorder she is pretty sure I must have. She is the attacker, but she is the victim. I am so confused and lost in the mess. It is a comfort to know that I am not alone. Thank you, everyone for sharing your experiences.

Yes, you are correct that your daughter needs the most support.  As the one in the relationship who is more healthy and close to her you are the target as well as the one with much influence in her life.  This is a mixed bag of pain for us and responsibility to them.  The skills of taking care of self, boundaries, healthy communication, helpful support and radical acceptance is where we have the power in the relationship.  It's a lot to learn, practice, and implement consistently.

We are here to help you with all of these. 

lbj

[Missp]

I am new to this site too.  I recognise your pain and see that you use the words 'heart breaks'.  Words I have used as well. My dd23 had moved out and not spoken to me properly for 10 months.  Things had always seemed loving and sweet between us (yes - there were problems with others) before.  After reading up on validation techniques, I started immediately to text her using those validation techniques the best I could.  To every tumultuous text back, I took the punch it gave me, stopped for a while and then replied using techniques.  I told her that I would no longer fight with her - ever.  For me, a weight lifted from me. After quite a few texts, I eventually got a loving one back, closely followed by my daughter knocking on my door and then embracing me. I am so grateful for those techniques. They will help me along this road.  I hope they will help you too. 

[adson]

Reading your post made me cry, your story is mine.  I wish I knew how to help you, then I could help myself.  I am just hoping that from here I can learn how to help my child.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders