If/when to confront risky behaviors

[thora]

If you know your nearly 19 yo, living at home, is engaging in risky behaviors... .what do you do? If I ask, there will be a lie... .or avoidance... .

I'm really torn, worried... .don't know what to do... .she's already in therapy and only recently become 100% honest with the therapist... .with no job and time on her hands... .she's especially vulnerable to giving in to the risky behaviors.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Thora,

Welcome to the Parents board.  We are glad you are here looking for advice and answers.

19 living at home is a tricky one, I think I would refer back to the limits on what is acceptable in your home.  What is she doing that is outside the limits of acceptable to the family?

lbj

[thora]

Well, it's something I only know about through phone records so that would involve bringing that resource to light which I am not sure I'm ready to do. There is so much dishonesty I've had to fight fire with fire in order to properly assess what she's telling me. Sometimes, I've felt like a complete idiot being duped because, of course,  I *want* to believe her. But there have been so many lies. I think I want to tell her that if I ask a question she does not want to answer, just say "I can't answer that" vs. lying to me. I think I could accept that better than being lied to repeatedly. And, I think it would be easier for her bc I KNOW she can't feel good about putting on a false face for me or her dad. That's the root of a lot of her troubles... .putting on a false face just to get by.

Hi Thora,

Welcome to the Parents board.  We are glad you are here looking for advice and answers.

19 living at home is a tricky one, I think I would refer back to the limits on what is acceptable in your home.  What is she doing that is outside the limits of acceptable to the family?

lbj

[lbjnltx]

I see thora,

It seems that confronting a bad choice is not something you want to do nor does your daughter.  It rarely does any good because confrontation only invites defensiveness and as you experienced... .the lies come.  Have you considered addressing the problem of free time?... .with free time comes the feelings of emptiness, worthlessness,  and feeling alone.  To relieve herself of these feelings she seeks negative attention. 

Rather than say "stop doing _____" it may be more productive to say "start doing _____".

Volunteering at an animal shelter, food bank, political office, taking a yoga class, helping an elderly neighbor with their lawn or household chores... .Anything that takes positive time, energy, and builds positive self image is a win win. When they were 2 years old we called this redirecting... .it's still a viable concept for a 19 year old.

What do you think?

lbj

[thora]

lbjnltx, good suggestion about filling the time. That is key. And I agree the confrontation at this point will do no good and would likely push her even further into risky behaviors.

Her therapist and I have been pushing her for some structure. She's had a part time job and then tried to go full time to a food service job but it was too much for her and she quit. She has rebuffed any suggestions about volunteering because she says she needs money. Unfortunately, like many BPDs, she's a spendthrift and can't budget herself.

We will keep at it. Thank you for your suggestions!