Why am I so stuck

[Lostafterbpd]

Where to begin... .I never knew about BPD until I started seeing a psychologist (I thought I was going crazy, and that I actually might have been doing some of the things I was accused of) after my ex moved out (and by moved out I mean emptying the house contents one day while I was at work because I refused to move my son and I into a caravan park). I bared my heart and soul to him. He came out towards the end of the first session and said that I had text book described someone with borderline personality disorder. After this I went home to read about BPD and I was horrified when I learnt about BPD from this site and the internet in general, it was as if someone had been observing my entire three year relationship and had documented it in graphic detail.

It has been eight weeks now and though I have good and bad days, I'm still struggling - Even after the physical and verbal abuse, how she moved out and stole my belongings, that she couldn't trust me and that it was "all my fault" I am still stuck with moving on. As much as I hate to admit it I secretly wish she would make contact though in the past when she has ended relationships there has never been any contact re established (to my best knowledge).

Three days after she "moved out" she messaged me and asked how I was going, I did not respond. A week later she messaged me again to see if we could catch up and chat, I took the bait and asked what could we possibly have to 'chat' about, she came back with where we go from here. I told her that if she meant by that what we do with the house etc that all contact would need to be in writing. She messaged back and said that that was not the reason and that she just wanted to see how I was and that now by my response it was no longer a good idea to catch up and chat (control is everything to her).

For someone who 'never lies' I found out soon after that she had been to see a solicitor, even though she said that she wouldn't go down that path (and then when I advised her solicitor that there was a conflict of interest justified to me why she did). As such I finally listened to ALL my friends and saw one of my own who proceeded to contact her about settling the house split.

I had to wait four weeks to get mine and my son's passports and birth certificates returned, only getting them after the letter sent from my solicitor demanded our personal belongings back. She then emailed me the night of receiving this letter to ask if we could settle this without using solicitors (by settling she means on her terms only). I had another letter sent saying that any discussions relating to the property settlement needed to go through my solicitors office only. There has been zero contact since from either side. I hope that me having teh second letter sent from my solicitor shows indifference towards her even though I don't feel like that at all.

I am having my personal belongings returned slowly (I should feel so privileged... .) though her actions confuse and hurt me each time. She included a note with the first box that was returned 'hoping that my son and I were well' and wishing us to take care, along with personalised birthday cards she made for me in the past with her picture on it etc - smashed me to pieces really, and with the second box personalised cards that she had made during our relationship saying how much she loved me and how she was looking forward to our future together, along with stuff that isn't even mine (books etc that her friends had given her) - why is she doing this to me? Its like passive aggressive torture yet still maintaining NC from her end.

I am having trouble sleeping, awake at 2am every morning until its time to get up. I cannot stop thinking about her  (how angry I am, how she is, can I 'fix this' etc). A year ago we moved to the country (away from my family and friends) and I have only been in temp work since, there is very limited employment opportunities where we live. Before this I had a very good career and had never been in a position of relying at any level on anyone else. I put my trust in her when we relocated as she was happy for us to live the simple life (me too) and build our lives in the country (ironically near her family and friends). To top this all off I went through a court case to gain primary custody of my son to allow us to move, and me maintaining this is dependant on keeping him at the secondary school he is now enrolled in.

Like everyone's story's there is so much more to it than a few paragraphs on a discussion board though the basic gist of this all is that I'm devastated and completely heart broken. I'm in tears writing this and don't understand how she could just cut me off like this, basically abandon my son and I, pretend like we never existed, I am now without work and do not know what to do or where we will live. I only have one couple locally who are my friends, others that I met in the last nine months have had 'the smear campaign' treatment about how horrible I am set upon them. I should hate her (and do at times) for what she has done and how she has treated me yet I miss her and stupidly hold out hope that she will make contact to sort this all out. I know reading this site and others that it can never be yet I still cannot move on and I'm stuck. I wish I could just forget her. I am hoping that reaching out here might go some way to helping me be able to move on with my life.

[JayApril]

Your story touched me. It is absolutley normal to feel the way you do, I believe the only way to heal properly is to embrace the pain. I also would like to say to you, you are worth so much more than what she was giving you. Her leaving is because, of her personal issues. The important thing is to remember that it can not rain forever. You will not always feel this way. You can and will rebuild. I hope you find reat comfort on this site. And congrats for stepping up and taking on single parenthood. Hope all goes well despite tbe stress.

[Lostafterbpd]

Hi Jay, I think part of my problem is that I don't know how to feel the pain, or what to do with it. From what I read I know that this relationship speaks volumes about who I am too. Before I met her I was very happy and independent and over time slowly became completely enmeshed without consciously realising that it was happening. For some reason I was susceptible to and allowed this to happen.

I don't know why I put up with the physical violence and emotional abuse, how I could justify it - and I'm embarrassed about it as well. A few times I walked away only to have her call me and I'd return home - I guess she then knew that I would return though this time it is different as she has painted me black for good as far as I can tell - I told her for a first that I couldn't do this any more and that it was over, though I tried to resolve it with her over the next few days. I guess once I had shown I could 'abandon' her once that I could do it again and after this she couldn't risk this.

My psychologist has said that this is probably a blessing is disguise though I can't see this at the moment. I'm also scared if she does make contact as to what I will do, it can't be healthy that I miss her, how can a normal person miss someone who has treated them so badly.

In public life she is so well respected, professionally and socially, no one would ever believe how she behaved behind closed doors. Even I struggle to believe it and I lived it. I still question my sanity occasionally.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust anyone again, I've been shaken to my core.

[JayApril]

Hi Jay, I think part of my problem is that I don't know how to feel the pain, or what to do with it. From what I read I know that this relationship speaks volumes about who I am too. Before I met her I was very happy and independent and over time slowly became completely enmeshed without consciously realising that it was happening. For some reason I was susceptible to and allowed this to happen.

Y

I don't know why I put up with the physical violence and emotional abuse, how I could justify it - and I'm embarrassed about it as well. A few times I walked away only to have her call me and I'd return home - I guess she then knew that I would return though this time it is different as she has painted me black for good as far as I can tell - I told her for a first that I couldn't do this any more and that it was over, though I tried to resolve it with her over the next few days. I guess once I had shown I could 'abandon' her once that I could do it again and after this she couldn't risk this.

My psychologist has said that this is probably a blessing is disguise though I can't see this at the moment. I'm also scared if she does make contact as to what I will do, it can't be healthy that I miss her, how can a normal person miss someone who has treated them so badly.

In public life she is so well respected, professionally and socially, no one would ever believe how she behaved behind closed doors. Even I struggle to believe it and I lived it. I still question my sanity occasionally.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust anyone again, I've been shaken to my core.

I ask myself how I allowed that type of abuse myself, and Yes! It is embarrassing I feel that pain as well. I guess what I do is cry when I need to, talk to someone often my mum. I also found meditation to be helpful as well. Anything that will help release that pain that is healthy of course .

Sometimes I wonder if people will ever believe the their fake them aswell... .like nobody sees why you are the way you are with them. Often i would feel alone because, nobody saw what I did.

[felix22]

Hello,

     Sorry to hear that you are going through so much trouble and pain. Here is an interesting article that I am reading about co-dependency from this site. Lots of good articles at bpdfamily. https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a113.htm

     The above article is illuminating for me, having shown some co-dependent tendencies through my life.

     I thought that perhaps it might apply to your situation; based on the fact that you did so much for/put many of your partner's needs before your own. Such as, switching custody so that you could move (away from your family & friends and toward her family & friends). Also, sacrificing your job for her; and taking temp jobs instead. Part of what happens when we put other people's needs before our own, in relationships, is that they feel they deserve this imbalanced/special treatment. The above article details it better than I ever can. However, it really doesn't mean that we are extending ourselves emotionally to our partners, even though we have made sacrifices for them.

     And, borderline's are quite happy to take, in an effort to have their needs met. One thing that I've noticed from hanging out on this site for a while, is that people are often pushed further into worse situations over time. For example; this time she empties your house out and leaves. Next time, maybe it ends after she slams your hand in the trunk of a car on purpose. Eventually, their may be a break-up, where she has called the police on you, because she is upset that you stood-up-to-her, whereupon she makes a false accusation that you physically abused her. It seems that many people in relationships with those who have BPD, are very slow learners. We keep going back and getting hit in the head with a frying pan, over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Until, finally the  clicks and we see things for how they really are. BPD's aren't necessarily bad people. We just put ourselves at risk sacrificing so much for them.