Is there something left to rekindle?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey guys.

I've been posting on this site ever since the b/u , be in on the Staying, Undecided and Leaving boards and I just want to thank everyone for their kind words and emotional support 

Long story short - it's been a little over 2 months since she broke it off with me, tried to contact her after the breakup - first time was met with a lot of accusations and a "don't bother me", second one was just ignored. She tried to get my attention through social media but I stopped playing along with it.

She doesn't even show her face anymore online, all of her profile pictures are kind of like Instagram posts - her dog, a tree at sunset, etc. Weird considering she didn't approve my Instagram requests after the b/u - maybe an alternative? She seemed so broken when breaking up with me, like the shame was eating her inside-out, she knew she was hurting me.

I want her back, I seriously do. I've been reading everything about BPD (she's professionally diagnosed) and I've been jumping back and forth between blaming myself and blaming her - I think there are 2 sides to everything and I did start the chain reaction with my selfish rages, yet she was the one to overreact and break it off and blamed me for everything (basically painted me black). I can handle her depression and suicidal tendencies quite well, and I want to make this right.

From what I've gathered - no replacement at sight. We're both each other's first r/s (even down to first kiss), both are usually uninterested by members of the opposite sex unless we find them very unique. She practically has no friends too.

I have a chance to meet her - 2 and a half weeks from now. Her favorite band is coming to our country and I already have a ticket, I'm assuming she'll go to (she was talking about it). I'm not going to ask her to go with me b/c that'll just be needy and clingy like I was at the end of the r/s and she'll know I didn't change, but my plan is to try and bump into her there and just be like "Hey, what's up? great seeing you! have fun!" and walk away, showing her I'm perfectly capable of being by myself, and giving her the option to start a conversation if she wants to.

Anyone can help me? what do you guys think?

Oh and some background :

It lasted about 4 months, she had chronic depression, attempted suicide once during the r/s (stress from home+work), devaluation happened like a bomb after I triggered her (yet I do have a habit of not keeping my mouth shut and often been told I say hurtful things), it went from heaven to hell it days.

[Bassoutcast]

Hey guys.

I've been posting on this site ever since the b/u , be in on the Staying, Undecided and Leaving boards and I just want to thank everyone for their kind words and emotional support 

Long story short - it's been a little over 2 months since she broke it off with me, tried to contact her after the breakup - first time was met with a lot of accusations and a "don't bother me", second one was just ignored. She tried to get my attention through social media but I stopped playing along with it.

She doesn't even show her face anymore online, all of her profile pictures are kind of like Instagram posts - her dog, a tree at sunset, etc. Weird considering she didn't approve my Instagram requests after the b/u - maybe an alternative? She seemed so broken when breaking up with me, like the shame was eating her inside-out, she knew she was hurting me.

I want her back, I seriously do. I've been reading everything about BPD (she's professionally diagnosed) and I've been jumping back and forth between blaming myself and blaming her - I think there are 2 sides to everything and I did start the chain reaction with my selfish rages, yet she was the one to overreact and break it off and blamed me for everything (basically painted me black). I can handle her depression and suicidal tendencies quite well, and I want to make this right.

From what I've gathered - no replacement at sight. We're both each other's first r/s (even down to first kiss), both are usually uninterested by members of the opposite sex unless we find them very unique. She practically has no friends too.

I have a chance to meet her - 2 and a half weeks from now. Her favorite band is coming to our country and I already have a ticket, I'm assuming she'll go to (she was talking about it). I'm not going to ask her to go with me b/c that'll just be needy and clingy like I was at the end of the r/s and she'll know I didn't change, but my plan is to try and bump into her there and just be like "Hey, what's up? great seeing you! have fun!" and walk away, showing her I'm perfectly capable of being by myself, and giving her the option to start a conversation if she wants to.

Anyone can help me? what do you guys think?

Oh and some background :

It lasted about 4 months, she had chronic depression, attempted suicide once during the r/s (stress from home+work), devaluation happened like a bomb after I triggered her (yet I do have a habit of not keeping my mouth shut and often been told I say hurtful things), it went from heaven to hell it days.

[mitatsu]

Bassy did i read somewhere you are quite a young chap?

Do you want to live in a minefield for life? have you checked the staying boards as from my point of view it looks very hard to do?

my ex wife keeps asking me to try again i tried every type of tool i learnt on here last year and kept burning myself everytime both emotionally and finacially

do you miss her or the drama or the drug like high?

[Bassoutcast]

Bassy did i read somewhere you are quite a young chap?

Do you want to live in a minefield for life? have you checked the staying boards as from my point of view it looks very hard to do?

my ex wife keeps asking me to try again i tried every type of tool i learnt on here last year and kept burning myself everytime both emotionally and finacially

do you miss her or the drama or the drug like high?

Yes I am young, I'm 20 actually.

I've been reading a lot of stories on the Staying board and I do know it's not a walk in the park, but I believe in second chances.

About the last bid - I miss HER. She was a good friend before and I miss her, we had a LOT in common (not only the mirrored parts but she had a lot of similar tastes in things such as music and food as I did, things that are quite rare to find).

[Targeted]

The drama is definately a drug!  Also ask yourself if it is the sex that is in the forefront of your mind?  Whether it be just amazingly great sex, or that you have morals and have already had sex so you feel obligated? Or any other variation?  If you are honest with yourself and find your thinking a lot about the physical relationship that is normal but you will have to consider that thanking is going to keep you hooked like a fish and she will eventually have ten lines in the water and you will be just below the surface of the water on one of the Hooks just to keep you alive and pull you out of the water when she needs you!  

Delete the sex from the equation!

How was the rest of the relationship?

[OnceConfused]

at your age of 20, you are lacking lots of life experiences and thus that is why you feel compelled too much to go back to her. The first breakup was the hardest , my friend. When it happened to me at my age 19 or 20, I can recall the knots in my stomach as she kicked me in the butts.

Everything in life is an experience. My experience from the first breaking up made me stronger and wiser. I am not quite sure if I can have a very happy life had I stayed with the first love.

BPD or mental illness is a very tricky and hard conditions for the non to live with. You think you can handle , please think twice and read many of the posts here - as very few people have succeeded in doing just that. Mostly the posters are not very happy and all they can do is trying to cope, instead of living a full life of happiness. They cannot leave the r.s because of (1) too many years invested in the r.s, (2) children and (3) financial involvement.

Lucky you who just got out of the web of BPD. So try to fight the attachment and let time be the healer. You will find the missing is intense and painful in the first few weeks, but with time, the missing thoughts will go from daily occurrences to weekly and then to monthly and then gone.

[Bassoutcast]

The drama is definately a drug!  Also ask yourself if it is the sex that is in the forefront of your mind?  Whether it be just amazingly great sex, or that you have morals and have already had sex so you feel obligated? Or any other variation?  If you are honest with yourself and find your thinking a lot about the physical relationship that is normal but you will have to consider that thanking is going to keep you hooked like a fish and she will eventually have ten lines in the water and you will be just below the surface of the water on one of the Hooks just to keep you alive and pull you out of the water when she needs you!  

Delete the sex from the equation!

How was the rest of the relationship?

Wanna hear something crazy? we never got to sex. Well we wanted to, really, and did anything sexual besides the actual penetration. Why, you ask? she had a little something called Vaginismus, a sort of physical defense-mechanism that pretty much prevented penetration (kind of like your eye automatically closes when you try to put a finger in it), probably b/c she was sexually traumatized at a young age.

It was curable and we did manage to start "flexing" those muscles to expand, but we never got to real sex.

The REST of it was pretty great. We had talks way into the night, romantic walks, shared stories, plans, listened to the same bands, cooked for each other, had the same taste in everything. She was my best friend, my love, my princess.

at your age of 20, you are lacking lots of life experiences and thus that is why you feel compelled too much to go back to her. The first breakup was the hardest , my friend. When it happened to me at my age 19 or 20, I can recall the knots in my stomach as she kicked me in the butts.

Everything in life is an experience. My experience from the first breaking up made me stronger and wiser. I am not quite sure if I can have a very happy life had I stayed with the first love.

BPD or mental illness is a very tricky and hard conditions for the non to live with. You think you can handle , please think twice and read many of the posts here - as very few people have succeeded in doing just that. Mostly the posters are not very happy and all they can do is trying to cope, instead of living a full life of happiness. They cannot leave the r.s because of (1) too many years invested in the r.s, (2) children and (3) financial involvement.

Lucky you who just got out of the web of BPD. So try to fight the attachment and let time be the healer. You will find the missing is intense and painful in the first few weeks, but with time, the missing thoughts will go from daily occurrences to weekly and then to monthly and then gone.

I'm 2 months out, and the first few weeks were a nightmare. I remember going out with friends to a birthday party and just sitting there trying to fake a smile and not to burst in tears. I handled some pretty rough core-issues I've had since childhood and am now in a MUCH better place. but I honestly miss her.

[OnceConfused]

LIke I said , the missing thoughts will diminish with time , from every day to weekly to monthy then one day , it is no big deal any more.

The lesson I think you should take away is :

It is easy to be friend where you can talk and share things freely without repercussion , but once you step over the friendship into intimacy, then it is hard to go back and also the game changes. Now so many other things enter into the relationship, like the deep fear, the scars of life, the baggages.

I advise you to check out this book , THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by dr gary chapman. You will understand that it is easy to fall in love (where you have been with this girl - the common stuffs, the talks) but it is very difficult to stay in love for a long time . In order to stay in love (in a marriage) then there will be lots to learn and do from both parties. Both have to learn to give up something and meet the other person in the middle of the road.

In Zen, we have a wonder saying:

Before enlightenment, you chop wood and carry water,

After enlightenment, you chop wood and carry water

Good luck in your way of the woods. You are almost there.

[Bassoutcast]

I noticed something - every time I pull away for a few days, she starts logging in at abnormal hours, trying to get my attention, sending a mutual friend to chat with me, etc, and every time I open my lines of communication again she pulls away... .do you think that if I go NC for a substantial amount of time it'll probably get her to contact me? I think the push/pull thing is happening, only on a smaller scale.

She did make it clear that any further contact will be HER decision (and she verified that by ignoring any attempt of direct contact I made with her since the b/u). She actually said (and I quote) - "If I'll ever find myself texting you, I guess we can (be friends)" 

[Riverrat]

Hi Bass!

Good to see you are hanging in there, and working things through.

I think you've answered your own question--

NC... .NC... .NC!

When they wander off, the one thing that seems to work for the majority of folks here is NC!

I'm in that sitch myself right now. dBPDgf moved out, and probably has replacement in line. Best I've done is NC... .altho have asked her to dinner, but got blown off without explanation.  Except for a few texts about our shared dog, I've ignored her, and not called or texted. She will drift back in time.

Suspect yours will do the same... .it's a BPD thing! LOL.

BTW, what band do you have tickets to? Just curious?

RR

[Bassoutcast]

Hi Bass!

Good to see you are hanging in there, and working things through.

I think you've answered your own question--

NC... .NC... .NC!

When they wander off, the one thing that seems to work for the majority of folks here is NC!

I'm in that sitch myself right now. dBPDgf moved out, and probably has replacement in line. Best I've done is NC... .altho have asked her to dinner, but got blown off without explanation.  Except for a few texts about our shared dog, I've ignored her, and not called or texted. She will drift back in time.

Suspect yours will do the same... .it's a BPD thing! LOL.

BTW, what band do you have tickets to? Just curious?

RR

Hey RiverRat, long time no seen!

Thanks again for the advice. My life's been going great this last month - half-way through with my band's demo, the new job is quite fun and the people are great. It brings me hope to hear that they drift back... .plus mine isn't very outgoing, to say the least, and I seriously don't suspect a replacement will appear anytime soon, so It's good to hear that she MIGHT drift back again.

It's good to hear you're pulling through with your situation as well, that's great!

Oh and it's Incubus, if you heard of them.

[Loosestrife]

Her logging on at strange times and indirect attention seeking is all part of the BPD game. What kind of mature friendship does this? This is what I've been asking myself today. I am grieving for the loss of my relationship too. My advice is sell/give the tickets away and go and do something fun with your friends that doesn't involve alcohol  

[Loosestrife]

at your age of 20, you are lacking lots of life experiences and thus that is why you feel compelled too much to go back to her. The first breakup was the hardest , my friend. When it happened to me at my age 19 or 20, I can recall the knots in my stomach as she kicked me in the butts.

Everything in life is an experience. My experience from the first breaking up made me stronger and wiser. I am not quite sure if I can have a very happy life had I stayed with the first love.

BPD or mental illness is a very tricky and hard conditions for the non to live with. You think you can handle , please think twice and read many of the posts here - as very few people have succeeded in doing just that. Mostly the posters are not very happy and all they can do is trying to cope, instead of living a full life of happiness. They cannot leave the r.s because of (1) too many years invested in the r.s, (2) children and (3) financial involvement.

Lucky you who just got out of the web of BPD. So try to fight the attachment and let time be the healer. You will find the missing is intense and painful in the first few weeks, but with time, the missing thoughts will go from daily occurrences to weekly and then to monthly and then gone.

This is really helpful, thanks

[Bassoutcast]

Her logging on at strange times and indirect attention seeking is all part of the BPD game. What kind of mature friendship does this? This is what I've been asking myself today. I am grieving for the loss of my relationship too. My advice is sell/give the tickets away and go and do something fun with your friends that doesn't involve alcohol  

Thanks for the reply.

Actualy I'm not going mainly b/c of her, I'm going b/c I like the band and it's been a while since I've been to a concert, so as a music lover I'm looking forward to this regardless.

Plus - the venue is really big, the audience will be in the thousands, so unless I go actively looking for her - it's likely we won't run into each other.

[wwfd1220]

Hi Bass!

Good to see you are hanging in there, and working things through.

I think you've answered your own question--

NC... .NC... .NC!

When they wander off, the one thing that seems to work for the majority of folks here is NC!

I'm in that sitch myself right now. dBPDgf moved out, and probably has replacement in line. Best I've done is NC... .altho have asked her to dinner, but got blown off without explanation.  Except for a few texts about our shared dog, I've ignored her, and not called or texted. She will drift back in time.

Suspect yours will do the same... .it's a BPD thing! LOL.

BTW, what band do you have tickets to? Just curious?

RR

Hey RiverRat, long time no seen!

Thanks again for the advice. My life's been going great this last month - half-way through with my band's demo, the new job is quite fun and the people are great. It brings me hope to hear that they drift back... .plus mine isn't very outgoing, to say the least, and I seriously don't suspect a replacement will appear anytime soon, so It's good to hear that she MIGHT drift back again.

It's good to hear you're pulling through with your situation as well, that's great!

Oh and it's Incubus, if you heard of them.

I have also recently gone NC... .she has drifted in and out since our b/u a little over a month ago... .she will not talk on the phone. she only texts me... .she keeps telling me she loves me and "i am doing this for you"... .I am holding out hope that her love for me was real and she is actually seeking help. I know it might not be the case, but all we have is hope right?... .anyways, how long do I stay NC? can anybody answer that