How to Stop the Depression

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have a therapist and meet with her for an hour and a half every two weeks.  I've started again on antianxiety and antidepression meds a month ago, which I was off of for a year during my separation from my pwBPD H.   

6 months later I had to get back on due to his spiraling back out of control emotionally.  He has been in therapy for 2 months now, weekly... .this was conditional to our relationship.

The rages and explosions have gotten less frequent, however I'm already so raw that when my pwBPD has a small irritation or outburst which leads to some kind of ridicule or put down, I shut down. 

And lets be completely honest that I am already pretty shut down - -Marathoning netflix just to get through the day, online audio books or podcasts... .anything to listen to, to stop the talking which leads to arguing or criticizing and typically like tonight him shutting down and just not speaking to me for the duration of the night because I told him I already know how to do something... .(for instance him trying to tell me how to work out when I have had years of physical therapy and 2 years as an assistant physical therapist).

I'm tired and the only thing keeping me moving is our business, are the meetings, the deliveries, the orders I need to complete, but if it wasn't for those things, I would sleep my days away. I already do, pushing it as close as I can until I need to get the job done.

I'm exhausted, I'm tired, I'm sad. The ups and downs, I just can't bare it as I used to. And its like he doesn't even realize it, that his behaviors are effecting me like they are. Like when its like this I'm on this site trying to make sense of it all while he's sleeping and like usual will wake the next morning as if everything is peachy.

How do I snap out of this? I don't want to fall further into a depression, but I know I'm slipping deeper into it already. I can't afford more therapy because we are paying for his and our owning our own business our health benefits are not the greatest. I am reading the book, "The High Conflict Couple."  I also am signing up for a workshop for family members living with pwBPD... .but again its super expensive, but I know I need it.

I am just struggling, even though the pros in our relationship are wonderful 80% to 20% bad, that small 20% is waring on me, and I'm getting lost in it. And I hate to go to that place again, but I'm getting to that point of wanting out of the marriage.  :'(

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I have a therapist and meet with her for an hour and a half every two weeks.  I've started again on antianxiety and antidepression meds a month ago, which I was off of for a year during my separation from my pwBPD H.   

6 months later I had to get back on due to his spiraling back out of control emotionally.  He has been in therapy for 2 months now, weekly... .this was conditional to our relationship.

The rages and explosions have gotten less frequent, however I'm already so raw that when my pwBPD has a small irritation or outburst which leads to some kind of ridicule or put down, I shut down. 

And lets be completely honest that I am already pretty shut down - -Marathoning netflix just to get through the day, online audio books or podcasts... .anything to listen to, to stop the talking which leads to arguing or criticizing and typically like tonight him shutting down and just not speaking to me for the duration of the night because I told him I already know how to do something... .(for instance him trying to tell me how to work out when I have had years of physical therapy and 2 years as an assistant physical therapist).

I'm tired and the only thing keeping me moving is our business, are the meetings, the deliveries, the orders I need to complete, but if it wasn't for those things, I would sleep my days away. I already do, pushing it as close as I can until I need to get the job done.

I'm exhausted, I'm tired, I'm sad. The ups and downs, I just can't bare it as I used to. And its like he doesn't even realize it, that his behaviors are effecting me like they are. Like when its like this I'm on this site trying to make sense of it all while he's sleeping and like usual will wake the next morning as if everything is peachy.

How do I snap out of this? I don't want to fall further into a depression, but I know I'm slipping deeper into it already. I can't afford more therapy because we are paying for his and our owning our own business our health benefits are not the greatest. I am reading the book, "The High Conflict Couple."  I also am signing up for a workshop for family members living with pwBPD... .but again its super expensive, but I know I need it.

I am just struggling, even though the pros in our relationship are wonderful 80% to 20% bad, that small 20% is waring on me, and I'm getting lost in it. And I hate to go to that place again, but I'm getting to that point of wanting out of the marriage.  :'(

[Samuel S.]

Your honesty shows that you have a kind heart, one that deserves to be nutured, to be respected, to be validated, and to be loved.

Yeah, you can truly shut down, even though a majority of your relationship seems positive. It is just that small portion that explodes, thus destroying everything else. I experienced my BPDw who alienates and distances herself with her work and with her studies. When she is around, she can be neglectful of valuing our relationship due to being so busy or devaluing and being verbally abusive, like she did last night.

Like you, the combining of previous behaviors and current behaviors are like PTSD. If you wish to resolve and possibly move on with your relationship with your SO when the person is calm, you are looked upon as bringing up the past. If you disregard and try to move on, they seem to be happy as a lark, but again, your PTSD remains.

I have done my best to stay around from my BPDw as much as possible, because she obviously does not want the relationship. I go to movies, visit with friends and family, go for rides, and go to bookstores to hang out with sane people, instead. It is like when you get a sore neck, that you prefer not to put your neck in that position.

Bottom line, I validate and empathize with you. All I hope and pray you can do is to nurture yourself when your SO does not.

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Samuel S  

Thank you. I appreciate the validation, the shared experience and the hope and prayers. It is wonderful to have support and recognition on this site, but at the same time my heart breaks for all of us hurting and it also breaks for the individuals struggling who have this disorder, like how badly I feel I often Wonder how much worse do they feel? I cannot comprehend it! I also cannot comprehend people dealing with more difficult situations than my own.

Prayers and hope to all of us!

[Samuel S.]

To have an understanding and empathy for a BPD is very important. We as nonBPDs usually will find out their past, what makes them tick, if you will. They usually have experienced some kind of abuse. They may or may not have gotten therapy, and even that will not necessarily help 100%! My BPDw was physically, emotionally, and verbally abused when she was younger. This abuse was compounded with the loss of her 7 1/2 year old daughter to a mosquito bite about 16 years ago. So, the torment that she has gone through has been extremely hard. She has had traditional and now non-traditional therapy, this one being somewhat more helpful.

Nevertheless, even if a BPD does get practical therapy like my BPDw, mine oftentimes lives in denial. My BPDw has been verbally and emotionally abusive just like her own mother.

The irony of the abused becoming abuser is just that. They know how awful the abuse was for them. They know how hurtful and harmful it is. Yet, they succumb to doing it to others due to their need to vent their frustration. Thus, the cycle continues.

While this is the case, I as a nonBPD will not succumb to abusing someone else. Having been neglected when I was younger and now with this verbal abuse, I know how people are affected. You, I, and the rest of the nonBPDs are affected. As a result, way back when, I decided to become a teacher to not only teach, but to listen to who my students are as individuals instead of mass numbers of students who need a grade. They still learn and in fun ways, but I will never, ever degrade them. I encourage them. I praise them. In fact, I have a new book called "Teachers Learn While Students Teach: Inspiring Hearts And Minds".

So, back to you, I hope you have a way to comfort yourself, to shield yourself when your SO goes on the attack, and to help others. It can help you! 

[Washisheart]

I totally understand where you are coming from. I try hard to not let him get to me, I really do. I work out, I'm in a Masters program, doing things to help develop me as a person in a positive direction.

That's part of the hurt. There's no acknowledging my efforts, I can't share my days with him anymore because honestly if it doesn't involve him, he doesn't care. I no longer feel as if I have a partner, I feel like we are two people who live in the same house. I feel so alone & depressed it's overwhelming. If I try to talk to him, he just tells me to leave if I'm not happy. He has no desire to hear how HE can make me happy. He constantly gets himself in over his head, expects me to bail him out and hates me if I can't or have to set limitations.

The last time I took him back, I had finally discovered what was wrong with him and why he did what he did. I read all the warnings telling people to run while they are ahead, and I took him back anyway. So he can insult me, act like I will never be good enough, and threaten to leave all the time. We both tell each other to go, neither of us leaves.

All I want is to be loved and for someone to actually care about ME. And to my man, I'm not worth it. So I drown in depression at times.

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Washisheart,

Im sorry that you as well are suffering through. I feel the same, we sleep in a bed together, but there is a big division.  Do you often wonder if you efforts, or your high education is a threat? I often notice when I do things well or am on the brink of something good episodes occur.  Like there is a weird underlying jealousy thing, stemming from his own insecurities.  If I shine it makes him annoyed, but if I break down he steps it up and you can tell feels really good about himself... .but its incredibly unhealthy for me because its his cycles shutting me down.

Every week. It happens every week, normal one day, irritable the next, defensive the following, flips out either rage or silent treatment over silly things, the next day clingy as heck... .before I was like nice he's being kind and loving, but now after how many cycles of this pattern deep down inside I feel like (get off of me! or, just be normal, neither clingy or angry, just normal.) How I long for boredom in a relationship! Tomorrow however is the day after clingy and insecure... .tomorrow will be the start of a good day... .but then it will all cycle again... .I just can't keep going like this and I don't know what to do  

Im sorry you are going through the same thing. I feel stuck as well. Wanting to leave, but doing nothing. I don't say it, it's not healthy unless I am prepared to actually follow through.   

[cactus22]

Hanging,

Just a thought after reading this post.  If you're constantly expecting this cycle to happen.  Then you're contributing... .maybe even 50% to its fulfillment.   It doesn't sound like it's a situation either party enjoys, and most likely your pwBPD can sense that.  Especially, the last part you mentioned about immediately going into depression after love is expressed, and then having feelings of wanting to leave.

I don't know if this is helpful, but just a perspective to consider

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Cactus,

Its not so much me just expecting it, its a cycle which I have learned to read. My therapist has had me actually mark my calendar to see the pattern. This isn't common for everyone, but it can be a thing. His rage typically has been showing up consistently on Monday/Tuesdays. Sometimes it will be every other week and that's nice.

There are actual behaviors I can pinpoint and know when he's on the edge of an episode... .For example I know he's doing a task in the garage waiting on me, so when I'm ready to go, I will go downstairs and ask if he's ready... .he will be shaking, hands, eyes bulged, and say, "are you ready?" I will then say, "Yes, but I realized you were waiting on me, but I know you're doing something down here, so I just wanted to let you know I'm ready when you are." (The defense and edginess for me, the physical signs shaking or smoking more often, back-lash... .for me I know he's ready to explode in some way) I pay attention to how I say things during these times, or I keep my distance.

I have learned in therapy to leave when it happens, I haven't learned well enough to put my foot down part and - boundary issues

Also I don't get depressed after love is expressed, its after an episode or a rage happens I shut down.