Being with me and other People Triggers Him

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It has taken me a long time to see this.

Every, and I can almost say with certainty, EVERY single time him and I go out somewhere that involves music and fun, he is very uptight, he cannot relax, no matter how loving I am toward him to make him feel secure.

And the night ends with him creating a drama!

I have got better at dealing with him when he snaps at me and blames me for silly things, I try and roll with it and not argue back with him.  But occasionally still, when I am having a really fun night and he does this, I forget all the rules I am meant to remember, and I do bite and bring up his behavior, which always end in him attacking me verbally and storming off and leaving me stranded.

He did this to me last weekend which is when I really thought about it and saw the pattern.

I knew I hadn't done anything wrong and he was angry at me.  Driving home he was seething.  I kept quiet which is the only way with him, I have learned not to ask questions when he is dis-regulated.

But, even though I am afraid to voice my thoughts to him as I sit in silence on the car ride home, I don't want to just get out of the car and go inside when we get home, because I know he will drive off and leave me, and I will feel that horrible feeling of sadness, of being abandoned and knowing there's a few days of drama ahead, consisting mostly of silent treatment.  I don't want this,I just want to feel happy and in love. 

So, I am in one of my stubborn moods I guess, and when he pulls into the drive and stops, waiting for me to get out so he can do the dramatic drive off, I don't move.  I just sit there.  He said, *Dreamergirl* get out.  I felt like a statue, I was sad inside and I just wanted him to communicate with me.  I said I don't want to, can we talk? 

He reverses the car out the drive, says I tried to drop you off home, oh well... .don't get out... .

Then he drives back to where he is staying, pulls into the drive, jumps out and leaves me in the car.

So, no matter how calm and how much I wanted us to talk and be a normal grown up couple, it wasn't happening. 

I waiting awhile, hoping he may calm down, then went inside and asked him if he could drive me home.  He yelled, but then he grabbed the keys and drove me home.

I said thanks, got out and went inside.  I was about to get ready for bed when he knocked on the door and he didn't want to talk about it, but just wanted to put his arms around me.

Why all the drama, I do not know what his trigger is?

sorry for the long post... .

[DreamerGirl]

It has taken me a long time to see this.

Every, and I can almost say with certainty, EVERY single time him and I go out somewhere that involves music and fun, he is very uptight, he cannot relax, no matter how loving I am toward him to make him feel secure.

And the night ends with him creating a drama!

I have got better at dealing with him when he snaps at me and blames me for silly things, I try and roll with it and not argue back with him.  But occasionally still, when I am having a really fun night and he does this, I forget all the rules I am meant to remember, and I do bite and bring up his behavior, which always end in him attacking me verbally and storming off and leaving me stranded.

He did this to me last weekend which is when I really thought about it and saw the pattern.

I knew I hadn't done anything wrong and he was angry at me.  Driving home he was seething.  I kept quiet which is the only way with him, I have learned not to ask questions when he is dis-regulated.

But, even though I am afraid to voice my thoughts to him as I sit in silence on the car ride home, I don't want to just get out of the car and go inside when we get home, because I know he will drive off and leave me, and I will feel that horrible feeling of sadness, of being abandoned and knowing there's a few days of drama ahead, consisting mostly of silent treatment.  I don't want this,I just want to feel happy and in love. 

So, I am in one of my stubborn moods I guess, and when he pulls into the drive and stops, waiting for me to get out so he can do the dramatic drive off, I don't move.  I just sit there.  He said, *Dreamergirl* get out.  I felt like a statue, I was sad inside and I just wanted him to communicate with me.  I said I don't want to, can we talk? 

He reverses the car out the drive, says I tried to drop you off home, oh well... .don't get out... .

Then he drives back to where he is staying, pulls into the drive, jumps out and leaves me in the car.

So, no matter how calm and how much I wanted us to talk and be a normal grown up couple, it wasn't happening. 

I waiting awhile, hoping he may calm down, then went inside and asked him if he could drive me home.  He yelled, but then he grabbed the keys and drove me home.

I said thanks, got out and went inside.  I was about to get ready for bed when he knocked on the door and he didn't want to talk about it, but just wanted to put his arms around me.

Why all the drama, I do not know what his trigger is?

sorry for the long post... .

[stockholmama]

Hi DreamerGirl,

Each BP has different triggers. And the trigger can be different depending on the time. Depending on who you are with (out in a public place anonymously, vs an evening at home with close friends).

The good thing for you is: you now _recognize_ when its a legitimate complaint about your character (almost never), and when instead it is one of those silly things that would roll off a normal person's back (almost always).

They start drama, blame us for everything wrong with their social lives, and then wonder why others don't want to socialize with them!  What are the "rules" that you are meant to remember, btw? Are those his rules, or your rules, or bpdfamily.com rules or ? (just curious)

Believe me when I was dating my uBPD/NPDh we had scenes like these all the time. Many many times push-pull-push-pull and "i love you so much" followed by 10 minutes of raging and then (maybe) an apology at the end of the weekend, or a non-apology. The hug thing, that's a non-apology really.

What you just described - getting raged at and made to feel guilty for doing not much of anything - this was our dating life ALL the time. It made no sense.

My H and I, we spent many years before the kids came along actually living in different states. Think about that that. _living_ in _different_ states... .those were our happiest times together i recall. Oh, right, we weren't actually together.

And now fast-forward 25 years. And guess what? He's still the same person:

- He still does push-pull-push-pull-loveyou-hateyou-HATEHATE-gimmesex

- He still rages, triggered sometimes for "disrespect" other times for no particular reason

- He still gets violent when he doesn't get his way

- He still destroys items, in my house (just wrecked an end-table and a lamp last week)

- He threatens to leave at least once a year

- And 6 months later he tells me "This is not working. You need to leave."

This isn't some 25 year old immature dude. This guy is nearly 50 and father of a couple teenagers (!)  And he's still doing the same cr#p.

Just because i'm older, sadder, wiser, does that mean that it still doesn't hurt? Sure it does. Had I known then what I know now, I might have just offered him a suitcase every time he threatens to leave. Here ya go. I'll help ya pack.

After 25 years, don't you think he knows his behavior pains me? Probably, but will not admit any fault of his own. Now that we have kids, all the drama and conflict are because "we need to make sacrifices for our kids and YOU are NOT doing that! You are FAILING at your job! This is a PROJECT and you would be FIRED from the project by your manager!" <insert wild and false claim about me being fired from a job 15 years ago>  (Validation becomes very hard when being provoked with such lies and controlling statements... .) You see, you could remove every reason to provoke a rage incident, but another reason will come to take its place, and another, and another. They are not able to live life as a normal adult, because they are overwhelmed by life. All of it.

And here's one of my favorites: "You need to see a counselor you are SERIOUSLY messed up and have self-esteem issues!" and also "You need to go to a marriage counselor with me, and you need to find one TODAY and make an appointment for us." Okay, done! So will he show up on time, this time? Or 30 minutes late? Or will he even show up at all? Can this marriage be saved? Hey, maybe, because 5 marriage counselors can't be wrong.

Now... .you say you are afraid to voice your thoughts to him in the car when he's in this state. This fear is meaningful, and you should listen to it. What does your fear tell you?

Do you fear being left stranded, by the side of the road in Desolation Alley?

Do you fear someone will act out physically towards you?

Do you fear being told "You're being too sensitive, i'm only criticizing you because i'm trying to help you" 

Do you fear losing contact your friends, your family, everything else connected to the outside world because it makes him uncomfortable to have to share you with it?

Do you fear suffering poor job performance, because you spend your days at your desk ruminating about what caused the latest blowup at home the night before? Or falling asleep at your desk because he decided to wake you at 3am for a "discussion about your behavior" ?

These are the type of things that you should be worried about, rather than what ever on earth reason caused him to treat you this way. Unless you went home with another guy from the bar, there likely isn't one good reason.

DreamerGirl... .please take a long look at your future and imagine your future with a person like this.

[DreamerGirl]

stockholmama I have also been told during one of his talks, I am the one with issues. He said that I'm brain f****d, also that I have low self esteem... . 

How true your words ring... ."you could remove every reason to provoke a rage incident, but another reason will come to take its place, and another, and another. They are not able to live life as a normal adult, because they are overwhelmed by life".

My fear of voicing my thoughts to him when he is in a rage:

He will drive off and leave me stranded in the middle of whereever we are, no matter how late it is and how unsafe the situation is for me, he has done this to me when blinded by rage, so I know he can and would do this again.

In the early days I feared losing my family and friends due to his possessiveness with me.  Not so much these days, as I now understand him a lot better.  I make time for my family and friends, usually when I know he has something on.  He hates to share me, but he is alright with my family and one close girlfriend who he likes.  But anyone else who takes my attention away from him can trigger an episode of anger.

I'm not worried too much about the physical side.  He has been rough at times, but he tends more to walk away.  A red flag that I ignored when in the early days of dating, he said to me "If I ever walk off, DO NOT FOLLOW ME... ." what he means is he is in a rage and the potential to hurt me physically is a big probability.  He did assault his ex girlfriend at the end of their relationship, but he still blames her for that... .he said he was trying to get away from her, but she wouldn't leave him alone, so he pushed her and she fell face first into a table.

So him stranding me is the biggest fear I have, and I guess I just know to stay quiet and let the storm blow over, if possible.  He tends to cool down a lot quicker if I say nothing.  And if I feel tears well up in my eyes, not to let him see them because it simply feeds his anger.

The reason I stay stockholmama is because I love him.  The good side of him is beautiful, kind, giving, caring. 

I'm trying to learn how to balance his moods and lay low when I can see the giant awakening   Easy to say, but hard to do... .