Can you practice radical acceptance and still hold out hope?

[Hope Runs Eternal]

Hello! This is my first time posting, but I have been studying the site for several weeks now. I stumbled on it during my relentless attempts to understand and fix the situation with my husband. (Don't worry, I've made lots of progress... .I understand enough to know I can't "fix" anything)

Long story short, he and I have been married 10 years next month, have two sons (3 and 1), and have had a really great relationship up until about a year ago. Two and a half months ago I made the heart-breaking  decision to move to my parents' with the boys due to my husband's escalating temper, anger issues, and verbal abuse (toward me). All of this is so out of normal character for him and so hard to understand. And since I was blamed for it all, I was in a deep FOG. I've since been able to step back, get emotionally healthy, and start to assess my situation.

He may not be diagnosable BPD, but certainly has enough prominent tendencies that I think it will seriously behoove me to proceed with my thinking as though this is what I'm dealing with.

I've committed to practicing radical acceptance about the situation, but still continue to hold out hope he may improve. He is in counseling for anxiety and depression issues, so he is seeking some form of treatment. Are these avenues of thinking in direct conflict with each other? Or can you radically accept something you still hold out hope will change?

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Hope Runs Eternal, 

Welcome aboard.

I am sorry that you had to make a heart-breaking decision to move to your parents.   I understand how difficult it is to cope with anger and verbal abuse.  The behavior can be very confusing and hard to understand.

Radical acceptance is a total openness to the facts of reality as they are and accepting it all the way, with your heart, mind, and body. In my opinion having hope for change does not conflict with radical acceptance.

If your husband is seeking treatment and is committed to it, then there is a good chance of improvement of his behavior.

The core of BPD is a lack of emotional regulation. People with BPD (pwBPD) have a very hard time controlling emotions, especially negative ones, such as anger.  Many times a pwBPD will get angry and rage out of nowhere. A pwBPD can externalize their internal feelings of self-loathing, anger, resentment etc., through the process of projection. 

Learning about the disorder really helps with understanding why your husband is behaving like this. Have you had a chance to learn about BPD behaviors?

Anxiety and depression are related symptoms to BPD. Treatment or medication for both does help tremendously.

It is great that you have made a lot of progress and realize that you cannot "fix" everything. That took me awhile to figure out, so you are already a step ahead.    The only thing that you can fix or control is your own behavior and thoughts. Changing your behavior and thoughts are the first step in improving your situation.

[Cmjo]

I dont think there is a conflict between radical acceptance and still holding out for hope of change. I think you are showing true love if you can radically accept... .and you can probably only radically accept if your partner does have some basic insight into the problem which yours must do if he is in some sort of therapy. The problem is if the therapy isnt right, possibility of change is very slim.

My exBPDh has been having treatment for anxiety and depression issues for many years, more than 10. It had started with panic attacks so was also on medication, he got used to going to his pschyologist to get his prescription and have a chat. At the end of the relationship I also went to see the same psychologist to discuss the problems, but realised that nothing that was being said in those sessions was getting through, nothing. It was all just habit. So I realised it was not enough for him.

Two years after I moved out he had a breakdown and I and his sister took him to a specialist pd clinic. He was diagnosed BPD and the medication was changed. I went to a joint session with his new therapist once. I had hopes that he had accepted the diagnosis and was having cbd therapy at this clinic. Finally he was really being cured, I thought. Maybe in a couple of years he could really get better and be stable. I even wrote to him to say I could be possibly willing to move back to try to give the relationship and our family life with the kids another go, but on condition he stayed in cbd therapy. Of course he accepted, and the four of us went on a weekend away together... .during that weekend he wanted to talk about my offer of reconciliation but didnt tell me that actually he had given up the new clinic! He said he wants to resolve his problems his own way... .back to the old doctor for the meds, and a buddhist group for his anger!

And he has spiralled out of control again now. Reconciliation is off... .

Good luck and stick in there, I hope for you it does work out!

Im convinced that the type of therapy is key, as is commitment to it. otherwise there is little hope.