Update: where I live, accusations

[gomez_addams]

The stbx uBPDw is upset that I won't tell her where I'm staying. That's the last thing I need (her stalking).

And the accusations of adultery or some other secret thing I'm hiding continue. She made the accusation in front of some folks from the church the other day. The parish priest handled it well -- told her that perhaps she'll never know the truth, and she has to accept that.

Defused the situation, but she hasn't accepted it.

I'm going to try to lay down a boundary about it. I have no idea what an enforceable consequence is.

Need to get with my lawyer.

Gomez

[Mutt]

Hi gomez_addams,

I can understand how frustrating and stressful false accusations are. I'm sorry you're going through this.

It sounds like it could be a distortion campaign. I like what your parish priest said that she may never know the truth.

The truth also has a way of working itself out. I think hiring an L is a good idea and this may also blow over. I wasn't accused of adultery ( she was ) and I was accused of emotional, physical, financial abuse ( her words ) It was likely the most stressful and scariest experience. She falsely accused me of domestic violence and charges were laid. I think that was scarier because the possibility of jail felt real and I hired a good L.

My point is that I didn't engage or justify, attack or explain. It did eventually die off and this stuff was mostly passed on to her family and friends. It was a way to blame everything on me for her actions. Either way it was mostly directed at people that knew her and they may buy most of it and maybe some don't buy most it.

That being said every ex partner is different with how they behave and you know your situation best.

It sounds like she may be highly stressed, anxious and possibly projecting. Is she distorting her actions?  Is she spreading this stuff around the parish?

[gomez_addams]

I'm really struggling with the "Why, why, why?" Line of questioning.

I get that she's disordered. But I'm really having trouble avoiding (what I think would be) an unhelpful response. I alternate between wanting scream that whatever she suspects is true... .Whatever she needs to hear. But I know admitting to something I didn't do doesn't get her on that airplane; it just hands her ammunition.

I also want to scream all of her flaws, all of her disordered behavior, all of the non-sense. It's the truth. But I also feel it's futile. Bringing it up in the past was never helpful. It only led to attacks, counter-attacks, blame shifting, etc... .

I haven't handled this process well at all. If been inconsistent. I've been a mental and emotional wreck. I can see how she feels I did a 180-degree turn. I hate when she would bring up divorce or leaving (or worse) as a bargaining chip, and how I'd always cave.

So I've kept it to "I'm not healthy, this isn't healthy, it will never be healthy... .And she calls it BS.  Yet, every issue -- minor or severe -- that I've ever been brought up fails to get resolved. A large part of that is my inability to set boundaries and stay calm... .And I have no desire to re-engage on a zillion issues when it can be boiled down to "I'm not healthy, this isn't healthy, it will never be healthy."

At least she claims to be packing.

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

Mutt: the adultery stuff doesn't bother me so much. I deny it -- "it must be horrible to suspect your spouse is unfaithful; that being said, it's not true."

It's the constant messages that I'm hiding something. Holy (expletive deleted) have I been hiding my misery that well?

(Actually, I might use a variant of that line)

Seriously... .I just want OUT!

Gomez

[Mutt]

She's likely putting you through an emotional barrage and what you're going through is really difficult stuff. It's understandable wanting to scream what she wants to hear for the possibility to make this go away because you feel like your an emotional and mental wreck

It's probably not going to help and she'll likely use something else. You know your truth and I wouldn't suggest admitting to something you didn't do and  nothing will likely make her happy at this point if you are split black.

I agree that bringing up any issues about the past is going to add flame to the fires. You're likely under a lot of stress and it's hard to navigate through this with trying to make the right calls each time. Go easy on yourself Gomez, you're probably trying to do your best to get through the day? We can only do the best we can and it makes it extra difficult with a mentally ill significant other acting out.

She claims to be packing and has she talked about a move out date? Is there any of her family or friends willing to help move her out? Any way for you to take a break and stay with someone?

[gomez_addams]

Thanks for the encourage the and advice. I see my T this week.

No date for her to fly home, yet.

She has no family in this state. She has done friends at church that would be willing to help... .But I doubt she'll ask.

Worst case scenario -- I find a new rental and hire professional movers to move me across town. She'll be left with her stuff and zero income. Right now I pay for everything, but today was the last paycheck to the joint account. In two weeks the check goes to my separate account. The bills will still be paid, but she'll have to choose between cash (if she goes home), or getting a job for spending money and student loan money.

If mediation starts to seem like a bad idea, I'll file and let the judge decide.

Gomez

[Mutt]

It is good to hear you're going to see you're T Gomez. I'm not sure if you have kids. Here's some advice. I'm not a legal expert and I'm sharing from my personal experience. If you think that she's going to stall and keep you emotionally engaged in mediation with conflict, I suggest looking out for your best interest and get a good L and file.

Hang in there.


----Mutt

[gomez_addams]

It is good to hear you're going to see you're T Gomez. I'm not sure if you have kids. Here's some advice. I'm not a legal expert and I'm sharing from my personal experience. If you think that she's going to stall and keep you emotionally engaged in mediation with conflict, I suggest looking out for your best interest and get a good L and file.

Hang in there.


----Mutt

No kids, no real estate. Perfect set-up for a uncontested divorce... .Except she's insisting I fill out these out of state forms (from back home), and that she hasn't made up her mind about signing. If we do reach a settlement, it carries a ton of weight but isn't binding (according to two L's)... .

I will be sitting down with L to discuss What Ifs before we attempt to mediate.

I'm dreading mediation. It's basically MC for a divorce settlement, and the last few MC sessions in 2014 were the worst days of my life. Worst. Days. Ever.

I'll have some extra leverage after the next paycheck fails to hit the joint account. I'd rather her be out of state, and the prospect of her getting a job might do that. Especially if I sweeten the deal with some temp support. It'd be worth every dollar.

Gomez

[enlighten me]

I think what the priest said could be fuel to the fire for a pwBPD.

At the moment she is trying to pin adultery on you and has no proof so its just a wild accusation. Having the priest give an avoidant answer could be seen by a pwBPD that they know something and are keeping your secret. The twisted mind may think he knows but he cant say so what he said was his way of letting me know.

Its messed up and I dont think dancing around the reason for you leaving will help. If my ex ever asked me why I left I would tell her. I would say I couldnt take it anymore. I couldnt take the constant abusive behaviour. I couldnt take the constant put downs, being told I was always wrong and I couldnt take having the woman I loved look at me with hate in her eyes as it broke my heart.

I think that not highlighting their behaviour isnt healthy. How does a child learn appropriate behaviour if we dont point out their innapropriate behaviour.

[gomez_addams]

Enlighten: helpful, thanks!

[enlighten me]

Hi gomez

As ive said before I think your handling things really well.

I like to try and give a different slant on things based on my experiences with a uBPD ex wife and exgf. One thing that does stand out to me is the mixed messages you might be giving her. Your agreeing to meeting her for dinner and at church may look like your still inteested. She may feel that you have cheated on her and your behaviour is shame. This isnt healthy as it keeps you both enmeshed.

We dont want to hurt people so we can find it difficult to be 100% honest with them but sometimes you have yo be cruel to be kind.

EM

[gomez_addams]

You're absolutely right, EM... .She constantly talks about me "keeping her up in the air"... .

Yet, I'm filing for divorce. How is she up in the air?

I'm to the point where I need to talk to the L about just going full court-press. If the judge's award seems too small, I can gift her money... .But I just can't do this anymore.

Gomez

[enlighten me]

Hi gomez

What we have to remember is we are dealing with a dissordered mind where feelings equal facts.

"Gomez doesnt hate me because he wants to see me" "If he wants to see me he must like me"

The fact you are being grown up about this and in a normal break up it would be seen as this doesnt count in a BPD break up.

with children and dogs you have to change your tone to show something is different and the same goes for pwBPD. If you say bad dog in a sweet and playful way the dog thinks its done good.

Keep your chin up your doing so much bettrt than I did and ive came out of it ok.

[gomez_addams]

Hi gomez

What we have to remember is we are dealing with a dissordered mind where feelings equal facts.

"Gomez doesnt hate me because he wants to see me" "If he wants to see me he must like me"

The fact you are being grown up about this and in a normal break up it would be seen as this doesnt count in a BPD break up.

with children and dogs you have to change your tone to show something is different and the same goes for pwBPD. If you say bad dog in a sweet and playful way the dog thinks its done good.

Keep your chin up your doing so much bettrt than I did and ive came out of it ok.

Thanks!

[Loosestrife]

Hang in there Gomez, you will get through this