I make it worse

[tristesse]

Hi guys,

It's been a little bit since I have posted on my own life with BPD D31, things are mostly going well, but I have to step back and tell a true accounting. I make her issues far worse sometimes, last night was one of those times. I have been doing the right things most of the time, but lately I have fallen backwards. I want to blame her and her BPD for the upset, but the truth is, I can't. I reacted to her negativity in a very negative way, and in close observation of past behaviors, I think I usually do. How is she supposed to get better if I can't communicate appropriately with her? I get downright brutal at times, and I discovered that just now. I say some pretty mean and hurtful things too, and it just makes me sick to my stomache... .while I was typing this in, she called me, for the umpteenth time today, to rehash last nights argument. I answered trying to be calm, but I again reacted to her crap... .She wants to recount the events of the evening prior, but she tells it completely wrong and says things were said or done that were not, and I react to that. Why can't I just be quiet and listen? Why do get upset and angry? I was wrong last night, pure and simple. I was wrong in the way I responded and reacted and I made a huge drama fest. I am not the one with BPD, she is, and I know that, so why did I go there with her, and then why am I surprised that she can't move on? I need to work on me a kittle bit harder. I need more practice, and I need to forgive her... .I hurt her, this one is my fault.

I just needed to vent and clear the air. I needed everybody to know that it isn't always the fault of the BPD. And I am so sorry that I have been such a hypocrite. I pray for the strength to do what I need to, and learn to be a better communicator with my DD.

Thank you all for letting me vent.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Dear tristesse,

We all fail sometimes.  This is not the problem.  The problem is when we don't recognize our own part of the dysfunction in the relationship.  You don't have that problem so you are already on your way to better functioning, more peace in your relationship, more compassion in your communication, and taking back the power you give away to your daughter by reacting instead of responding.

God bless you for being honest with yourself, with us, and I encourage you to share these things with your daughter.  Be a model for her to follow. 

Admit fault

Apologize

Tell her what you want to do differently in the future



lbj

[tristesse]

lbj, thank you for y our response. I already called her back and apologized for my wrong doing, I let her know that I would try and listen a little more attentively and that I did not like my behavior very much at all.

of course she was still upset, but at least we can now try and move forward. I need to slow down and think before I open my mouth.

[jellibeans]

hang in there Tristesse... .we all have bad days too

[lbjnltx]

Early on in my journey, when I saw the call coming in from my d or got a text message from her I would pause and say to myself "listen, validate, negotiate, boundaries".  When she was home and had a request my default response was "I will think about it and let you know in a little while (after I talk to Dad)"  This bought me the time and space I needed to focus on replies rooted in skills.

It works!

[madmom]

We all make mistakes.  Forgive yourself and move on---you are doing the best you can.  I am constantly impressed with your wisdom that you share with others on this site.   Keep your chin up!

[tristesse]

everybody here is always so kind.

The point I wanted to make was this, I am guilty of being a hypocrite, I am guilty of being mean and hurtful, I have always been this way, but I finally realized it today. My responses and reactions are actually holding my DD back. I have been enlightened finally, and I just wanted to put it out there that I know and understand... .I wanted to say it's all too easy to blame the BPD for the issues and say it's because they are sick... .Sometimes that is true, but this time and many times before, the real problem comes from my in appropriate responses and reactions... .I really need to stop and take a breath before I respond, even if her comments or reactions are hurtful or lies or inappropriate... .both of us yelling will not make it better, and she sinks deeper into her abyss... .so upon reflecting on my past behaviors, I think I learned a valuable lesson, and hope to do better moving forward.

I was not really beating myself up, I was giving a very honest account of why we still struggle sometimes, and letting the rest of the world know... .Gosh, I'm human too, and hiding behind her illness and using that as the excuse has done more harm than good... .

I always appreciate the feedback, and love that there are so many caring folks out there. Thank you all for the support. Much love

[Rapt Reader]

My responses and reactions are actually holding my DD back. I have been enlightened finally, and I just wanted to put it out there that I know and understand... .I wanted to say it's all too easy to blame the BPD for the issues and say it's because they are sick... .Sometimes that is true, but this time and many times before, the real problem comes from my in appropriate responses and reactions... .I really need to stop and take a breath before I respond, even if her comments or reactions are hurtful or lies or inappropriate... .

Gosh, I'm human too, and hiding behind her illness and using that as the excuse has done more harm than good... .

tristesse, I think your thread, and these realizations, above, are very valuable. Thanks so much for posting  

I, also, came to the same realizations, after being here awhile. And once I faced my own role in my son's dysregulations, and admitted it to myself, I eventually saw my own role in the relationship troubles with the other loved ones in my life who have BPD traits (my Husband, my Mother-In-Law, my Daughter-In-Law). It doesn't mean they don't have the dysregulations that they do have, but it does mean that I was not helping the situations (or them) in any way when I was reacting to their dysregulations in petulant, grudging, angry or otherwise non-productive ways.

Seeing how my own personality helped fan the flames--and really "getting it" that my family members were not always the cause of the troubles--was a very humbling experience for me. I felt ashamed of lots of things I've said and done in the past, knowing that there had been better ways of reacting that I didn't employ. Sure, I didn't know the proper communication tools and techniques back then, but I also lacked empathy and compassion for those "difficult" loved ones in my (chosen?) role of feeling victimized by them. Which colored almost every transaction I had with them pretty much, keeping the dysfunctional cycle going... .

I think your revelations will do much for increasing the quality of your life, tristesse, and that of your family's... .Thanks so much for sharing these insights here!

[kelti1972]

Hi tristee:

Oh I can also relate to all the mistakes and feeling so awful after finding out my son had BPD.  I also have realized I have elements of my own BPD and issues that he triggers me big time.  That is when I usually get into my crap and lock horns with him.  I have learned to take a breath and figure it out halfway through the conflict and stop and breath and back-up.  I know it will take me time and it is hard to learn these skills and practice them.

I had other interventions as I grew up that saved my life.  At the time I was diagnosed there wasn't help for people or even assessment of BPD, so I didn't have the luxury of DBT, but I do know and I am going to learn right along with my son. I did have other things that helped me live and work and devlope relationships and hold a job, but he doesn't want anything to do with those or my therapist.  That is ok, I have accepted that and have accepted his therapist and DBT therapy and want to learn!   

Try fail, try fail, succeed and have a gentle tolerance for yourself.  Thanks so much for sharing.  Kelti1972

[tristesse]

Thank you all again.

Rapt Reader, I so appreciate you, I don't know why, but I always feel akin to you, an your replies are always so enlightened.

I share my story, the good, the bad and the ugly side, because I feel like it may be beneficial to somebody else, there could be somebody going through the same exact thing as I am... .or perhaps somebody will remember reading my thread and it will resonate with them in future. anyway, I believe complete honesty about my role is key.

[lever.]

I think it is very important to be honest with ourselves Tristesse. It is easy to slip into scapegoating the person with BPD.

Sometimes BPD causes their behavior to be very challenging but we have to be aware when ourselves or others are contributing to the difficulties.

I think that we are constantly learning and working on ourselves so we need an honest appraisal of our own behavior-but this needs to be dispassionate so that we can move forward and do better next time.

Its also useful to look at what was getting in the way of us being effective. In my case it is often when I experience strong emotions of my own-so I have to keep working on mindfulness to help me not to act on emotion-so that I can respond rather than react.

I admire your honesty Tristesse. The positive thing is that once we have identified a problem in ourselves we can work on it.

Deeply ingrained habits don't change overnight but they can be changed.

I also think that self care is as important as honesty-it is often when we are feeling depleted that we fall into unhelpful ways of reacting.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders