off to mediation

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Wish me luck

[rarsweet]

Wish me luck

[Eco]

Good luck,  I hope it goes well for you

[jedimaster]

Good luck!   

Mine is in about 6 weeks.  Will be interested to hear how yours goes.  Hope it is all good!

[NewLife15]

Hope it goes great!

[rarsweet]

Shared parenting, with me Sunday 9am- Thursday 7:30am, I am residential school address, no weeklong vacations until she is 5, alternating holidays, I pick public exchange site, no child support agreement reached, will have court in August for that. It was a long 4 hours.

[whirlpoollife]

Glad that you have residential address for school, and get to pick the exchange site. 

He might have three nights but that is better than the evening visits in between. Less contact with x.

My xh was never on time for them, wanted make up time if he didn't make it on time etc.

[ForeverDad]

Splitting weekends usually doesn't work well long term.  There may be times you want to go away with or without your child for a weekend trip to visit family or whatever.  With it split in half that could be a problem eventually.  There's a reason virtually all parenting schedules alternate weekends.

Is your ex likely to give up some parenting time?  That often happens so be prepared for it.  It may start out as trading time but try not to trade time, at least not too much, since invariably you'll get stuck in some way, perhaps not getting your end of the traded days.

[GaGrl]

Reassert, you have a non-standard work schedule, right? So this is actually your weekend at Sunday/Monday?

I have done corporate mediation (HR/employment issues inside large companies), so I know various ways mediation can play out. It would be very helpful if you would describe the mediation process as you experienced it.

We're you in the same room? We're you with a lawyer, and how much participation did he/she have? Where did the mediator start, and what we're each of your opening positions? Why did you end up where you did?

I'm in admiration of your strength through this... .

[rarsweet]

Ex wanted me to waive any child support. In nh it will be whoever makes more money minus allowed expenses. He hasn't worked in almost 2 years, I make more right now. But after allowed expenses I would be ordered to pay about $30 a week. If he doesn't get a job by the hearing in august, the judge will issue a seek work order. And so will the state since we have Medicaid. Once he's working he will definitely have more income than me. If he makes what he made at his last job, he would pay about $700 a month. Even at base pay he would pay $415 a month. I wasn't going to waive support to get out of paying $30 a week temporarily. And if he doesn't comply with a seek work order, the state will sanction him, and I could try to modify our parenting plan.

[GaGrl]

Who was advising you through he mediation? This is really good, detailed info to know as one walks into a mediation.

[rarsweet]

Ex had his lawyer, I had a domestic abuse advocate. I got to start first. I said the first issue to be addressed was that ex wanted to move away. Nothing else could be done without that first. After a bunch of story changing, he said the job market would be better,( wanted to move to farmville even though his last job was machine shop),than he wanted to be with family, the mediator told him no judge was going to let him move with daughter.I said I wasn't opposed to shared parenting if he stayed close. So then he said he had been offered a job here, so he would stay. We live in different school districts, I've lived here 22 years and have 2 older children in school, so I wanted to be the school address. He actually agreed quickly. The actual schedule was the problem. I offered him every Saturday 9am-Sunday noon and 2 hours Tuesdays and Thursdays. He wanted more overnights. He and his l left the room and came back with a week on and off proposal. I refuses. They came back with a 2-2-5 schedule. I told him a baby shouldn't go 5 days away from a parent. They left and came back with a 2-2-3 schedule. I described how every week would be different days and that's not possible until she goes to school or we use the same childcare. So they left and came back with the final schedule we got. But he wanted us to exchange daughter at 6am Thursday. I refused and offered 3pm, when I get out of work and I would pay daycare. He refused and offered 7:30 and he is responsible for daycare on his time, once he works. I agreed. The holidays went very easy, I didn't want to split any holidays. I know he travels on holidays and I didn't want daughter to do that. I offered holidays turn into 3 day holidays alternating. He agreed to all but Xmas. He was adamant about splitting. He wanted noon. I described how this would be for daughter, he offered 8am, I refused. The mediator suggested 3pm. We agreed. He wanted weeklong vacations right now. He wanted to take her to Disney land . I was adamant about her not being away from either of us for that long until she is older. He eyiventually agreed to when she turns 5 we would each have 1 week in the summer and alternate February and April vacations.           I really just pucked my battles. I was adamant about me having the.school address, if a parent wants to move out of the district we have to give 60 days notice and reasons, or give up shared parenting to equal less than 150 days a year. I was adamant about the length of time I was willing to have daughter away. I was adamant about having her my days off. The rest I gave leeway. I had brought visuals. I bought a bunch of calendars and highlighted when we went over every option. It was easier to really visualize the schedule. Ex and his l left the room 6 times

[rarsweet]

I think his l had to keep calming him. The mediator would go talk to him, then come back to me, then bring him back in. We went over each section of the parenting plan seperately.  Ex also did not want exchanges at the police department anymore, he wanted them at my place. I flat out refused. He brought this up like 4 times, kept circling back to it. Eventually I listed 3 public stores within 300 feet of my apartment ( I use to work with the bosses actually) and said I would be willing to do those spots. So our plan lists those stores and my choosing. Then he wanted the support waived. I refused. What I did was every issue we addressed ex would say but I want this, I need that, etc. I marked on the calenders and described every option as if I was daughter. Example... .when you are a kid you want to wake up early Xmas day, parents make you eat breakfast, then you tear open the presents, then you take them all out of packages, then you want to put them together, now you just want to play with them, you don't want to throw them in a closet and leave for a 2 hour drive. Etc.

[rarsweet]

The schedule kind of works perfectly actually. I have my older children every Saturday and Wednesday, e/o Friday and Sunday, and Monday holidays. So I get time with older kids Saturdays, time with them all Sunday and Wednesday, Mondays with just daughter, holidays all together like memorial day for parades. You know individual time with the kids, and time together. I can go back to working doubles on Fridays because I'll be kid less, so more money. And I only need about 6 hours of daycare, which my mom does, so Grammy time. My mom does baby time tuesdays at the library with her.And I can keep daughter in the programs we do, because they are on Monday and Wednesday. Honestly I offered him 3 hours Tuesdays and Wednesdays originally, but I was stressing how I could physically make it for 2 exchanges in 3 hours, just with everything else I have to do. So it kind of works great.

[ForeverDad]

My ex never did produce her income documentation so earnings potential was 'imputed' twice - at minimum wage.  I didn't mind since I doubted she made much more than that.  The third time I had gained majority parenting time and so she would have been been paying me a few pennies in child support.  That's when the court wrote that since income papers weren't submitted then the court was declining at that time to set her payment.  Wasn't fair considering prior solutions when the court made sure I the father was told to pay but not surprising at all.  I haven't pursued the matter.

Very, very good that you kept majority time and Residential Parent for School Purposes.  If you had allowed him to snatch that hat then you could have been forced to follow him wherever he moved.  I recall the lawyers, mine and hers, telling me RP meant nothing at all.  But surprise, it did mean something.  During the court case the school refused to get involved in the trial, claiming they had resolved their past issues with mother.  But his kindergarten teacher, who refused to allow ex into her schoolroom, did say she would testify if needed.  Well, because I insisted it was either me as RP or else a trial, I became Residential Parent in the settlement.  School agreed to let son finish out the school year there.  But within 6 weeks - late April - she had caused enough scenes there that the school gave me one day to transfer him to my school.  What kid in kindergarten gets kicked out?   So yes, me being RP did mean a lot despite the lawyers' insistence otherwise.  If she had remained RP then her school would have been stuck with her and be able to do nothing but endless damage control.  And I would have had to follow here as she moved every few years.

[livednlearned]

If he is anything like my ex, he will have a lot of reasons why he can't keep daughter for his custodial time. 

My L would say, "It's his responsibility to make arrangements if he can't take S13, not yours."

But I was always there like a catcher's mitt because I wanted the time, even if it wreaked havoc with my schedule.

Just be prepared that the schedule on paper may not be anything like the schedule he invents in his own head.

[GaGrl]

If he is anything like my ex, he will have a lot of reasons why he can't keep daughter for his custodial time. 

My L would say, "It's his responsibility to make arrangements if he can't take S13, not yours."

But I was always there like a catcher's mitt because I wanted the time, even if it wreaked havoc with my schedule.

Just be prepared that the schedule on paper may not be anything like the schedule he invents in his own head.

Especially if he moves away, as you think he might.

[rarsweet]

The thing with ex is he doesn't do anything, seriously. He doesn't hang out with friends, sports, party, go to the gym, work. I mean nothing but hang out at his dads here or his sisters in the next state. I cant see him giving up time because there's nothing he want to do. He just wants daughter in a house with him. I think my goal going forward is documenting him not being involved in her life. He has gone to every well child appointment. But no developmental assessments, he didn't go to her eye appointment. He refuses to even go see what she does at the child development program we do.  I doubt he'll come to dentist appointments. All this is really great actually, peaceful. I will want her in preschool eventually, I'm sure he'll oppose that. So I will just do 3 days a week, part time preschool. I can't imagine him being at anything once she starts school. I think he's afraid people will see there's something wrong with him. So my goal is make the best of the next few years, keep doing what I do, and document everything. And ya I really can't imagine living here long with all the states he's lived in. His job from 2 years ago he worked 11 months and made 40k, I can't imagine a judge basing his income off minimum wage. The problem is he had almost no work history before that. A few months delivering pizza and changing tires, in Vegas he hung hospital curtains for 3 months, and a year on a farm 15 years ago. At 36 years old.

[ForeverDad]

I think my goal going forward is documenting him not being involved in her life. He has gone to every well child appointment. But no developmental assessments, he didn't go to her eye appointment. He refuses to even go see what she does at the child development program we do.  I doubt he'll come to dentist appointments. All this is really great actually, peaceful.

Sounds like what you do going forward is simply to Notify him of any appointment.  Try to make as many appointments while your child is with you, whether your time or his.  Don't invite or beg him to attend.  If he doesn't come, Let It Go unless there is something he needs to know.  Parallel parenting.

I will want her in preschool eventually, I'm sure he'll oppose that. So I will just do 3 days a week, part time preschool.

Look inside yourself.  Why give up before you even try?  When the time comes, why not schedule the full week and see what happens?  For all you know he will have given up some of his days by then.  After all, being with the other children may be better than parked at home with little parental involvement.

He does sound like the sort that will eventually fade more into the background.  Let It Happen.  But you never know until you get there.