Curious observation about people who go NC

[thefixermom]

Perusing the internet I notice that going NC seems to be primarily something the younger ones do to the older ones.  I don't see very many parents going NC with their BPD adult kids by choice.  Seems we parents of BPD tend to see it through the best and worst of times whereas the children of BPD are wired more to break off with their parents.  Still, it breaks my heart when I see young adults going NC and talking very ruthless and sometimes proud about it.  Each story is different and no one should be made to accept abuse, especially when their are young children involved.  But what pulls at my heartstrings is wondering how many of these young people going NC are actually the ones with BPD, etc., and have projected their illness on their parents. As a mother of an uBPDd I have endured the torturous NC and heard her stories about how I abused and sabotaged her life.  She has always returned to live with us and regroup after she has crash landed out in the world and then launches once again, with us holding our breath and hoping for her success and inevitably, she goes NC for a time.  Over the decades she has raged time and again at us, gotten physical, and blamed us for every bad job, bad roommate, bad decision she made... .even said it was our fault she broke the law and landed in jail once. She accuses me of being jealous of her and wanting to see her fail.  She has been told by many people who do not know us how good it is that she went NC and got us out of her life... .people are all too quick to encourage NC without really knowing the truth of the situation. I have learned to live with the humility, stay calm through the storms, validate her feelings, gently but firmly set my boundaries, ride out her upsets and welcome the good times when she circles back around.  But even at the worst of the worst, when I was utterly at my wits end as to how to co-exist with her through holidays she upended or public displays of hatred that she foisted at me, going NC has ever once entered my mind.    I don't need anyone to justify their reasons for going NC because I can comprehend that already... .but each time I do read about a son or daughter enforcing NC on their parents, especially with grandchildren involved, my heart aches and I wonder if they will one day experience what it's like if their own children (God forbid) do such a thing to them. I think I did read somewhere that people who tend to cut off their parents have a greater chance at suffering the same fate later in life.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

My daughter is just 18 so I have not had to endure the NC episodes from her.  I have and still do endure NC from my unBPD sister and a step daughter.  I let them go with positive thoughts, hopes, and prayers that during this time they are working towards better mental and emotional health.  It's the better choice for me and keeps the door open to them when and if they choose to come back into my life. 

What else can we do?  During the times of NC we can use the calm period to improve our skills of self care and communication, set healthy boundaries for self and get centered.  For all things there is a season. 

lbj

[thefixermom]

You are correct: "What else can we do?"     These times are forced upon us so if we can get ourselves into a positive restful learning and healing place, we are better prepared for the next contact.

Sadly, most of the time my D did not improve and was found to have worsened after going NC.   However, this last time, she did work on herself and improved greatly.  So I have much hope.

[Isus]

The role of a child and a parent is so very different. It is natural that for a kid it is easier to let go off the parent than for parent is to let go off the kid.

I have a dad with BPD and we have been in no contact for long periods of time, though currently we do have contact. He has initiated some of those no contacts and I have some. My reasons have been that relationship was too taxing for me and that I wanted to protect and shield my own kids from him. That too has hurt, but has felt like a best decision at the time.

Other of my own kids is troubled and has some BPD type behaviours though his main issue is other mental health issue. Me going no contact to him is something I can not envision. He has kept radio silence for short periods of time few times and while I have been okay with those, it would be incredibly painful, if he would go to no contact with us.

There is just world of difference between the relationship one has with their parents and one they have with their kids.

[Sunfl0wer]

I have gone NC with my FOO.  However, if my child or another younger family member ended up having a PD I may not.  Hopefully I can explain my thinking on this.

My FOO watched me grow up, they assigned me roles, they play out those roles.  As a child, I was shy, timid, unable to speak up for myself. 

Anyone younger than me in my family has likely not seen these predefined roles and dynamics.  Their perception of me is starting from scratch.

So to separate and individuate and to learn who I am, it was necessary to get away. To be around people who did not know my history in my FOO.  As soon as I am around my FOO, they still think of me and interact with me as a helpless person without a voice.  That is not at all who I am.

So while there is no need for me to separate and individuate from the younger members of the family... .I see this an important distinction/difference.

That is hard for me to articulate, I hope it came across well enough.  Or maybe someone else will relate and explain better.

(I do not have a PD, however, I have PTSD... .my FOO full of PD dynamics)

[salal]

Hi Fixermom,

I have experienced NC from both my parent and my child. I'm a "sandwich filling" between an undiagnosed Naricissistic PBD mother and a similar daughter.

My mother talked incessantly about "disowning" and "cutting off"  since I was a toddler --- one of her obsessions. And she'd say: "having children was my biggest mistake." When I was in my teens and on my own -- (father had died) -- she started playing NC with me. Sometimes months, sometimes years. She was so dangerous and abusive -- that finally in my 30's (with a family of my own) it was ME deciding to be NC.

The behavior of my uBPD Daughter grows more like my mother's - though she has met her grandmother only twice. Daughter has done LC -- (LOW contact) for years (intermittently with overwhelming contact). She has been doing NC lately too.

Like you, Fixermom, we have always been there for our daughter -- through her anxieties, depressions, eating disorders, rages -- when almost everyone told us to have nothing more to do with her. Yet never received thanks or recognition - just resentment, blame -- and escalating exploitation. The more we have helped her, the more contempt she has shown us. I know this is her lack of love for her self --- but now my "Old Faithful" flow of empathy and compassion for her is nearly dry. I am more urgently concerned about my OWN well-being. And that of my husband.

Fixermom, I agree with you that the LC and NC can be a positive step for our daughters. My D never "separated" from us during adolescence. So we keep hoping that she will still manage it. It will be like pulling off a bandage that has been left too long on the skin ---

NC is hard -- with whatever generation of family. Guilt and shame. And rejection ----

Take care -- Salal

[Tilly1]

I am at a point where I am choosing NC with my witch uBPD/NPD mother - it is heart wrenching for me but also I have to be vocal and assertive about my decision now I have made it as it is hard BUT necessary. I say vocal about it meaning - not ashamed because it seems to an outsider who hasnt lived with the abuse, a cruel and uncaring thing to do - and I can understand why some would see it like that if they haven't lived it, but, considering much of the abuse I have received from my mother was hidden or only in front of others she dominated thus wouldn't interject - I feel I cant do in a hidden way.

I spoke with my dad (non BPD)  today about the difference between him having been married to my mum and me being her child in reference to how BPD effected us. his initial reaction was I know what she is like I lived it too but I disagreed (nicely). I reminded him that he was married to her as an adult - an adult to adult relationship. He could if he had wished leave, support himself, move away from the situation, rationalise her behaviour as unstable, know what her limits really were (she probably wasn't really going to stab him), he had family to turn to, he had a mother and father that loved him, he knew her behaviour was wrong and ultimately he did divorce her and has remarried and got 3 more daughters. For me it was different, inside that house, with my mum and dad was the only world I knew, what happened there was "normal" I had no comparison, she terrified me, I didn't know that she wasn't going to kill my dad, or kill herself, or kill me, i didn't know she wasn't going to leave and not come back, I never felt unconditional love - it was given then snatched away on a whim, love was conditional and i couldn't see that it was an illness it was my mum and she said awful things to me and if she couldn't love me then why would anyone else.

That's where I feel the difference lies, I do feel as a parent you make the choice to have that child, you are an adult and you take responsibility for providing that child with a normal balanced caring life. If you have issues you get help or you try at least. My mother wont get help and now that my children are getting older and are not little anymore she is staring to "pick" on them, cause trouble to gain attention, overtly favour another grandchild so they run and pay her attention. My children do not have BPD but I would like to believe I would never go NC with them for any reason - I love them and would sacrifice anything for them. But I don't feel that responsibility to my mother - probably that has been diminished by years of knowing she doesn't feel that connection for me, her daughter. This breeds resentment, anger and hurt and ultimately a need to make peace with myself as for many years I wondered what I did wrong.

I think maybe us children that go NC have wrangled with this decision for a long time, gone LC before or have tried placating but nothing works. As the child of a BPD/NPD mother I felt bullied, I was scared and part of getting over that is standing up and not being ashamed of your actions.

Please don't take declarations of NC as a simple, flippant decision... .speaking for myself vocalising that I am to do this is standing up to 40 years of being oppressed and bullied and not being ashamed of my actions.

I am sorry that you are on the receiving end and have been painted as the problem (that as you know is a classic BPD trait) and I wish you all the strength and love in the world xxx

[lever.]

Hello fixermom,

Your first post certainly struck a cord with me. I have seen sites on the internet where people are encouraged to identify their parents as narcissistic on very little evidence and actively encouraged in going NC.

That isn't to say that some people don't have very toxic parents and NC is a good option for them. It's just that the people giving advice and pushing NC don't really know the full situation.

Like you I feel that I have stuck by my DD through thick and thin. I have made a few notable mistakes (from which I have learned, I hope) but I have always had her interests at heart. I have been on the receiving end of verbal and physical abuse, been lied about , tried to support her through several suicide attempts and an eating disorder-but this is forgotten as she focuses on my errors of judgement (which were mainly caused by trying to fix things and talking to people behind her back-never again!)

I think some of this happens when consequences kick in for something she has done and she finds it difficult to cope with shame-so she projects-often onto me.

I think the role of a parent is different from any other relationship. The vast majority of parents do not want to give up on a child and feel some sense of responsibility even for an adult child.

With a parent our expectations are very different-we expect them to be secure, caring and strong-so if we are let down it seems easier to break contact. A parent is in a very powerful position vis-a vis a child and that power can be abused.

Although I see some my DD's thinking as skewed I am trying to be more validating of her feelings.

SET as a way of communicating has got me through a few difficult situations recently when she has threatened to stop contact with GCn again.

What has also helped in my case is not fighting too hard to keep contact. I have said that I am always here but that I do not want to be a source of stress to her-so will go along with whatever feels best for her.

Those internet sites do bother me though. Some of the posters are almost gleeful about NC ("You go girl-give her no response whatsoever!" "Why are you still in touch with these people?" :'(

[thefixermom]

Hi lever,

Yes, that is what I was referring to... .as I stated originally, not the justified abuse... .but the situations where a person with BPD projects their illness onto a caring parent and then receives shallow support from outsiders who haven't got a clue as to what is really going urging them to go NC with their parent in a cruel and boasting manner.   It's very pervasive.