Want to break NC

[Hadlee]

Hadlee:  thank you for that kind response. I hope I can one day arrive at the same point of detachment. How are you today?  Any new requests? 

You will get there.  And when you do... .I'll raise a glass of bubbly TO YOU

I'm doing well, thank you.  No new requests since the weekend.  I suspect that isn't the last I've heard from her (indirectly) either!  Time will tell, I guess.

[rotiroti]

Hey Beach_Babe, I understand what you're going through. Maintaining NC (if it is what you believe will ultimately be best for you) is a real test. Not doing what we want to do can be very painful.

I had to block my ex on just about everything and delete her number from my phone for a few months before I was ready for any kind of contact.

Remember this though, you are going through withdrawal, and your ex is the substance of choice. Stay strong and those urges will evaporate. If you end up wanting a friendship for different reasons in the future, you will have to approach that situation as it comes.

I know that you will eventually get to the point that you don't want your ex back. The rose-tinted glasses will have come off and you'll see that you're much better off with someone more stable!

You can do this. Stay strong; stay busy. Give yourself the time and space to evaluate your own life. The rest will fall into place after that.

Valet thank you for writing this. I don't mean to take away from the discussion that is happening here. I'm 7 days into an n/c myself and it is so difficult. Yesterday she left a voicemail sounding like nothing was wrong, telling me she was wondering how i'm doing and wanting me to call back whenever i have free time. I must've listened to that voicemail a dozen times driving myself nuts. Then i re-read some stories here and laughed at the absurdity of it all!

I know i'm vulnerable now and went strict nc... and like you i just had to block her on everything. it's for the best!

[blissful_camper]

Fr4nz: But when? Is it fair for him to decide a year, two years from now to waltz back in and disrupt my life after I've moved on? By then it will be too late.

Valet: whatever happened with your ex?

Why would I seek friendship with someone like this.

'

I never thought he'd leave I guess.  Your post stuck a chord with me. That is how it was for me too, except the push-pull was spread over am entire  year. How are you doing today? 

Why do you feel that you will be ignored or met with a nasty response?

Uh, because he is  comorbid npd?  When things are going well in his life  he becomes more secretive, grandiose and meaner. To treat me like a human being, he'd have to hit bottom with no other options. I mean we are talking like McDonalds ran out of french fries type emergency (he actually called me hysterical from there once when this happened ).   I  also think he would treat me badly because of how I was -very publically- devalued//smeared/humiliated at the end. This is all speculative, but if what I suspect is true then I am still split black. I loved this person so much. I ache for closure, for resolution, even mere confirmation I mattered. Fat chance huh?



Was the door left open for further communication? Uh no he threatened the police if I contacted him again. But he did this before when disregulated, and  always came back around. This time he did not. 72 days NC now. The longest in 14 years.


And, last but not least, how much do you think that a positive or negative outcome would affect your emotional state?

A negative response is what I expect. Maybe I just want confirmation he is not simply waiting for me break down (as in the past). That it is truly over. Unlike your ex, mine left me because he started to see success in life and feel like a real person. In other words he found better supply, and my continued lingering (though he encouraged it through push pull) was irritating. I went from being his best friend to an abusive stalker and the cause of all his life problems. Maybe life really IS better now without me.

Accepting my current situation, that I was used and he is a narcissist who never gave two s***  is more radical acceptance then I can handle. Maybe I just want confirmation he is HUMAN and did not enjoy hurting me.   Believe me my expectations are low. I know  I am not "good enough"to  keep as a friend, or even in touch with. 

The decision to waltz back into your life in yours, not his.  You mention a year or two out being too late.  Why not right now?  Empower yourself to feel that right now it is too late for an abusive partner to re-enter your life.   I believe that you deserve better.  I'm confident that you have the strength to handle radical acceptance.  If you didn't you wouldn't be sharing your story with us.  Believe in yourself, Beach.   

[UserName69]

Username69:  What wasnt she truthful about?

She just uses people. I bet she used me to take revenge on her exBF. Now when I think back when she told me that she loved me, heck I don't believe one single word she said. Even if you go back to him he will be worse, maybe in the beginning everything might look ok but within a couple days he'll remind you why you became his ex. That's my experience with a pwBPD, if you want to contact him you can it's up to you but I wouldn't do it.

[shattered1]

I'm so feeling the same... 6 weeks now... just basically silence... like we never were... .Why do we miss someone that we are not even sure they really loved us... hurt us so much... .this is torture... I want to know if he's thinking of me... .does he have someone new... how can he be there with all our stuff we got together ( I still need to get my stuff) and not miss me... .am I in Limerance... .I literally feel like I'm going crazy... crying all the time... no sleep. I just miss the way he made me feel when we were good... .But everyone around me hates him and can't understand why I wouldn't be happy to be out of that situation... .it's so hard... .I thought things might turn with this Mercury retrograde thing... .still hopeful. And hopeful for all of you too. Hugs  and prayers

[Beach_Babe]

I'm sorry shattered. It's 74 days here. How did the discard happen again I don't remember. Did he leave the door open at all ?

[Beach_Babe]

Why is this getting harder, not easier? I think I'm breaking. The ache is so strong . Please someone remind me he will only be cruel and eat me alive if I try. I miss him so much. Not the relationship, I agree we weren't right for each other. I miss the friendship. The thought of never seeing him again is unbearable. I miss his voice, the laughter the friend I could call at 4 am. Never once before this past year did I ever doubt his care was genuine. But once he started feeling like a person, he forgot I was I guess.  I'm devastated. The son if a b**** would be positively GLEEFUL if he knew this  too =(  It's why I fear I can never reach out and say something. Because everything to him us about winning.

God please make it stop hurting. I hurt for someone who will never hurt for me or care back.

[Infared]

Hang in there BB. I felt exactly the way you do. It was a core grief... .very intense.

It takes time. NC was vital for me as if I made contact, I was just kicked in the face and actually laughed at.  

The separation of no contact allowed me to grieve the loss and to see more clearly how I was being treated. The way That I was treated was pretty damn bad... .so after I healed some and had some therapy, I realized that there way no way I was going to try and have any kind of friendship with this person to try and extract my self esteem... .I knew something was very wrong there. ( did not know about BPD at the time). I knew that this person was not capable of connect with someone else, long term, in a healthy, loving way on any level. Friendship was not possible. I realizes that she had no "real" friends... .at least not like I have... .I just had to get/stay away from her. Confusing and painful at the time, but definitely the right decision for my life.

[UserName69]

You need to combine NC with other things. Keep your self busy, try to start new hobbies, go out and have fun. Get rid of everything that reminds you of him, remove him completely from your life. He's your ex now and there is a reason for that.

I get the idea that many people don't know why they go NC. Some people use it to get their partners back, once I went NC and she told me that it was over. I didn't care too much about it within two weeks she wanted me back. Others use NC to get over their partners, but you really need to move on if you want to keep NC else you need to contact him and see if it's possible to talk and who knows.

NC did a great job for me, I started new hobbies I'm everyday busy I didn't had time to think about her when I decided to take all these measures. Since I found a new girl my exBPD is history, I can't see a point why I should miss her or even want to be with her.

Even if she would contact me I wouldn't go back to her. She might tell me she still wants to be friends, well I don't like her to be my "friend". True friends don't hurt each other so I guess she can go to _____.

Three days ago I slept with my new gf, we had a great night and of course great sex. Next day when I woke up next to her I felt a lot of happiness. I told myself that I can't believe I used to sleep with my exBPD. Everything has became clear to me, I realized that she's the most horrible partner a guy can have on this planet. Why even bother if you can get a partner who's much better compared to your exBPD? I really hope she won't contact me to me it's over, I can't trust a person like that. Enough is enough.

Whenever you miss him think back about all the bad things he did, remember them for good. And keep yourself busy, it really works. Just give it a try.

[Mutt]

I miss him so much. Not the relationship, I agree we weren't right for each other. I miss the friendship.

Hey Beach_Babe,

      

I'm sending lots of hugs your way

Are you worried that you may not find someone else?

[rotiroti]

I'm only 8 days into an NC and it is incredibly difficult.


I can also feel myself coming out of the fog and how blind I had been to her cruelty! She even had a men's bathrobe that she convinced me was her father's 

wait... but i thought she loathed her dad...


the distance is also opening my eyes to all the lies. Seriously, i think about the good i felt in the relationship. It was just the mirroring and idealization that I thought i missed. that's not love... or at least that's not worth being sucked dry of myself

[Beach_Babe]

You will get there.  And when you do... .I'll raise a glass of bubbly TO YOU

I'm doing well, thank you.  No new requests since the weekend.  I suspect that isn't the last I've heard from her (indirectly) either!  Time will tell, I guess.

Three cheers to you ♡  Can I ask why you gave up on being her friend?

rotiroti:  why not just block her if the calls are bothersome? My ex blocked me first to be honest. And I really do want contact, but it was too painful leaving things open. Everyday he didn't contact me felt like more rejection. Same for you or something different?

Blissfulcamper: thank you for those wise words. How are you today?

[Beach_Babe]

Hang in there BB. I felt exactly the way you do. It was a core grief... .very intense.

It takes time. NC was vital for me as if I made contact, I was just kicked in the face and actually laughed at.  

The separation of no contact allowed me to grieve the loss and to see more clearly how I was being treated. The way That I was treated was pretty damn bad... .

14 years is so hard to let go of... .

Username69: I'm glad things are coming along for you. How long has it been now with the new girl?

Mutt:  no I no longer want a relationship. I realize we weren't right for each other. I miss the friend I always thought would be there. I guess socially I'm a bit isolated and lonely.

[blissful_camper]

Hi Beach,

I'm super proud of you for your openness, honesty, and your determination to maintain NC.  If I can get through it so can you.  Believe in yourself each and every day.  I can relate to your feeling lonely and isolated.  I live in a rural area.  I really felt it after the b/u.  Tell me what things interest you?  Do you enjoy the outdoors, hiking, being around animals, art, writing, biking, bookstores, movies, music?  What is meaningful to you?  Find you.  Immerse yourself in you and the activities that mean something to you.  You can do it, Beach.   

I'm doing well and I'm looking forward to celebrating two years out next month.  Thank you for asking.   

[Beach_Babe]

I rescue dachshunds,  enjoy traveling and love history and politics. Living in California, I also adore the beach.

And  you?

[dobie]

I rescue dachshunds,  enjoy traveling and love history and politics. Living in California, I also adore the beach.

And  you?

Beach you have so much to offer , every time you think of "what you have lost" think about your future and what you have to gain with a normal healthy partner

[Beach_Babe]

... .and what you have to gain with a normal healthy partner

No pun intended . Thanks for the kind words of support