Wishing for Peace in home with my Adult Son

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello!  I so appreciate your website.  My 32-year old adult son with BPD characteristics is destroying our peaceful home (I am divorced; he lives with me).  I myself have a history of trauma/abandonment in my life, and his dad was abusive. My son is very bright and loving, but his anxiety and suspected BPD keep him from holding down a job or staying in school.  He has backed himself into a corner, and is becoming so angry and on edge that I am concerned for both of us.  (After raging, he often says he doesn't want to live any more.)  He has promised to get help, but anxiety kicks in and he drags his feet.  Some people say I should just kick him out, but I know he is very troubled and needs help - and I don't want to lose him.

I will be so grateful for your help and advice - and especially strategies for me to use to stop the painful blowups and restore peace in the home.

[PeacefulMom]

Hello!  I so appreciate your website.  My 32-year old adult son with BPD characteristics is destroying our peaceful home (I am divorced; he lives with me).  I myself have a history of trauma/abandonment in my life, and his dad was abusive. My son is very bright and loving, but his anxiety and suspected BPD keep him from holding down a job or staying in school.  He has backed himself into a corner, and is becoming so angry and on edge that I am concerned for both of us.  (After raging, he often says he doesn't want to live any more.)  He has promised to get help, but anxiety kicks in and he drags his feet.  Some people say I should just kick him out, but I know he is very troubled and needs help - and I don't want to lose him.

I will be so grateful for your help and advice - and especially strategies for me to use to stop the painful blowups and restore peace in the home.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Peacefulmom,

Welcome to the family and the Parent's Board!

You will find many other parents here who you can relate to, our situations have common threads like adult children living at home who are under or unemployed, can't stick with school, and have anger/suicidal ideation.

One of the ways we learn to improve our relationships while helping ourselves and kids at the same time is through affective communication skills like validation and SET.  You can find info on these in the right side bar TOOLS and LESSONS.

It's a lot to learn and takes practice.  Worry not   we are here to help each other through the process of learning/practicing.

Are you concerned for your own safety when your son rages?  Does he or has he in the past threatened you or harmed you?

lbj

[livednlearned]

Hi Peacefulmom,

I'm glad you reached out and are sharing your story here. What lbjnltx said is so true, and the skills and lessons here have helped me so much in the relationship I have with my own son (recently turned 14). Like you, I'm divorced and was married to a man who was abusive (comorbid substance abuse, BPD), and have only one child who is also bright and loving. It's very hard to watch our loved ones, especially our children, battle with themselves like they do, and by extension with us.

Validation is a profound skill. It is very easy to understand, and can be effective immediately. It can also take a lot of experience to perfect.

• The Power of Asking Validating Questions



• COMMUNICATION: Validation - tools and techniques:



• COMMUNICATION: Validation - stop invalidating others



• BOOK: I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better

It is encouraging that your son has self-awareness -- he knows he needs help. Therapy can be very difficult even for people who are not BPD, and he has a harder time than most dealing with negative feelings. Still, he is aware and that is a positive sign.

I'm so sorry you have your own history of trauma and abuse, and encourage you to practice self-care so you have strength to help your son. I experienced firsthand a shift in my son when I practiced self-respect and he learned from me how I will be treated.

Let us know how you're doing, and please share more when you feel comfortable doing so. People here really do understand.

LnL  

[PeacefulMom]

lbj and lnl,  Thank you so very much!  I am sitting here melting with emotion in reading your replies, realizing that I may have finally found a place where I feel welcomed and at home.  I want and need help, and I so much appreciate your advice and insights.  I will start visiting the informational links and view the video on validation, and suspect that you are right about the "self-care" aspect as I struggle with that, for sure.  I will try to visit the boards each day and hope I can seek your feedback and help as I try to move forward with some of these steps.