Hi LostInWonderland,
So, my uBPDfiance had a baby rage last night. Afterwards, he came back in and told me, "You know, it saddens me that when you are upset I always try to make you happy, cheer you up, try to make you feel comforted. But whenever I get angry or upset, you just try to talk things through and it only makes me more pissed off. Hug me or rub my head, damn."
*Sigh!* So, does than sound like an attention seeker that likes to get a rise out of me? Or a cry for actual comfort? The legitimate need for comfort for the storm that rages in his head against his will? I have no idea, but he brings that up ALL THE TIME.
Hmm, if and only if he is right then you would be problem solving instead of validating. A distinct possibility. Also it is possible that his perception is off. Clearly some tuning is needed. The good news is that you both are talking about what works and what not!
He also seems to want some form of connection when upset. Which is a valid want. A hug certainly signals that one knows he is upset (whether you want and are willing to hug an angry bear is another question but a pat on the head sounds safe). It may be that his verbal abilities are blocked when he is too upset and trying to engage him on that level is making him feel helpless.
"when you are upset I always try to make you happy, cheer you up, try to make you feel comforted" that is a good one. This is classic invalidation from his side. It may be useful to explain to him
a) he is trying his best and you appreciate his intentions
b) that when you are upset that you are upset and often the best course of action is not talk it away or trying to fix it. You will calm down by yourself in due time and often the less he interferes with this natural process the better. He may feel uncomfortable taking a step back but that is exactly what is needed for conflicts to cool.
But, I don't want to baby him. I try to validate. But he doesn't like that.
I guess both sides need to learn some emotional awareness and validation. He gave you a good opening with his statement to address it.
