Didn't poke the bear, but bear poked me

[momtara]

Got a lawyer letter from my ex today. First one in a year. We've been divorced 1.5 years. He always wants to get back together but hasn't said so in a while. As background, we have 2 small children. He has a number of mental health issues and gets triggered. So far hasn't done anything scary to the kids but I worry.

Two weeks ago, on the phone, he asked if we might get back together. I said I didn't think it was appropriate to talk about. I had to later inform him of a weekend trip I am going to take with the kids (as per our agreement) and family friends. He asked to come, I said no (in a polite way).

Now he sends this lawyer letter saying the usual: I won't let him talk to the kids, I'm making doc's appointments without consulting him (Our PC knows this is so not true), I am tape recording his pickups (well duh he sometimes rages at pickups and I need to protect myself).

I am so far in legal debt that I am not going to even respond. Frankly, though, there are things *I* would like to address, such as him getting less counseling than he's supposed to, and my paying 100 percent for the PC which is bringing me further into debt.  He really should be paying for the PC.

I could have my attorney write these things back to his lawyer, but even that is too expensive and I'm not sure yet if it will change anything unless we have a bargaining chip or real threat of winning in court. For now I am going to think about how to respond.

Court of course would exacerbate everything while he is still taking the kids. But without it I doubt he or his attorney will change anything. For now my course of action is that I think I will just fail to respond and see if we get another letter. Also will forward letter to our PC (who is pretty weak tho. She will probably suggest us coming in, and I'll have to pay... .) So basically, avoiding a response to letter for now... .

What say you?

[Swiggle]

You said it yourself, he is poking the bear. When he asked you those questions about getting back together and if he could go on the trip with you and you declined you weren't willing to dance, he couldn't "hook" you with those things. So what does he do he tries a different approach to engage you. IMO the letter from his lawyer isn't actionable at all, it doesn't ask a question and requires no response.

If you think it will come up in your next PC meeting just say "I simply disagree with the accusations and if you need proof of xyz I can provide that for you" or have the stuff with you. Just because he continues to spend money on his attorneys doesn't mean you have to. He probably knows you will send along to the PC and she may request a meeting, in the end he gets engagement even if it isn't the kind he really wanted.

Hope you can find the strength to ignore it. I think the more you can do that the less he may try stuff like this.

[HopefulDad]

You said it yourself, he is poking the bear. When he asked you those questions about getting back together and if he could go on the trip with you and you declined you weren't willing to dance, he couldn't "hook" you with those things. So what does he do he tries a different approach to engage you. IMO the letter from his lawyer isn't actionable at all, it doesn't ask a question and requires no response.

If you think it will come up in your next PC meeting just say "I simply disagree with the accusations and if you need proof of xyz I can provide that for you" or have the stuff with you. Just because he continues to spend money on his attorneys doesn't mean you have to. He probably knows you will send along to the PC and she may request a meeting, in the end he gets engagement even if it isn't the kind he really wanted.

Hope you can find the strength to ignore it. I think the more you can do that the less he may try stuff like this.

Yes... .ignore the lawyer letter.  But since there were specific complaints outlined, document what you can to show they are bunk just in case you get a letter that actually requires action on your part.

His lawyer is doing his job in advocating for your ex, often parroting the accusations your ex provides.  My BPDxw's lawyer does the same.  In my case, her lawyer emails mine (no official letters) and often my lawyer and I have a nice chuckle over the nonsense.  Sometimes we feel sorry for her lawyer because he must know his client of full of crap.  I suspect your ex's lawyer sometimes feels the same way.

[livednlearned]

I feel you on the legal debt. My ex paid legal fees he was obligated to pay (without me taking him to court!), but I have a big chunk still on a credit card that I try to chip away at.

Looking back, I think I started to really get a handle on things because of the legal expense. I was really pretty tight in the first couple of years, very worried about following the rules as closely as possible. And then I started to realize what required action, what didn't. I worked this thing out with my lawyer (who seemed to genuinely care about my financial situation) where I would only send things her way if I should be worried. She would write back either "yes" or "no." That helped me gut check what was or wasn't worth worrying about.

It seems like you're getting to the same place. Let your ex blow smoke -- if he's serious about following through, you'll know.

By the way, I think what swiggle said is interesting. At some point I saw a forwarded email that seemed to be sent by accident, that showed a conversation between my L and N/BPDx's L. Opposing L said he could not "reign him in," meaning N/BPDx. My L said something like, "Then send this stuff to me so your client feels heard." After opposing L withdrew from the case, he bumped into my L from time to time and still shakes his head about N/BPDx. He realized there was something really wrong with his client, even when he was his L.

[momtara]

That's all funny and reassuring. Thanks to both of you.

I do have the strength to ignore this one. I used to worry while we were going through the divorce because he could lie to the judge, and I didn't have a long history of documentation, but now we have a PC who knows he's fullofit.

I was wondering why his lawyer would send something he likely knows is nonsense. OK.

We probably still will have to meet the PC sooner or later, but maybe not right now. And as always, I worry about his mental health. I'll just monitor the situation.

Yeah, my debt is credit card debt. One more court action would max those out, and trying to avoid that. Thank god for credit cards.

[Waddams]

I was wondering why his lawyer would send something he likely knows is nonsense.

That's easy - he's being paid to do it.  A fool and his money are easily parted and your ex's L is more than willing to do his part.

Isn't there a gate keeping order as well?

At this point, I'd just ignore.  Do your own thing.  Let him be a jackhole.  He's just trying to get under your skin the same way he always has.

[momtara]

Yeah, my ex's L charged him a 7500 retainer for the divorce. Ridiculous.

Gatekeeping order - had to look that one up. We've only had one post divorce motion so far so nothing in our agreements restricting lawsuits. He's not going to file anyway. I'm going to leave it alone, I think. Except for passing to our PC at some point soon and keeping an eye on his mental health.

[GaGrl]

So forward the Ex's lawyer's letter to both your L and the PC with t h a simple comment - "This complaint has no merit. Shall we discuss at the next scheduled PC session?"

So tough are dismissing merit yet addressing his concern at the same time.

(BTW, are you documenting his questions and attempts to reunite along with everything else? Because the timeline would look interesting in court, should that ever become necessary.)

[momtara]

Good point. I have the last few emails and texts of him asking to get together for dinner or a trip. The last one was sent 24 hours before I got the lawyer letter. I didn't respond. The question of us getting back together was asked over the phone, but I mentioned it to my shrink. I think it's in my journal, but will note it to be sure. Good advice. Thanks!

[bravhart1]

Sounds to me like he tried to move you closer to him. Asking to get back together and when that didn't work, he tried to use fear of legal action to make you afraid of him so you would submit.

[momtara]

yup. generally he's trying to engage me. unfortunately now he's asking to meet up friday. every time i say no it just upsets him, but that's about what i gotta do. i did send a letter to his shrink telling him these things were happening, but i think that he always thinks my ex is just a harmless boob.  his shrink used to ask how things were going a year ago, but stopped. so i figured i'd update him. who knows if it will help at all. part of the reason i did it was so that he didn't get the false impression things are hunky dory with coparenting, as my ex makes it seem.

[Aussie JJ]

I would be careful engaging his shrink. 

Its triangulation in the extreme.  Mine does it all the time, it will validate whatever he is saying out you picking on him etc.  some people are master manipulators... .

Their are two sides to the coin, the person wanting to get back together with you and the person venting his frustration projecting onto the shrink about how you want to get back together with him and your evil. 

It isn't logical but just let him have his own time with his shrink.  If he ever gets up on the stand he wont be able to say your influencing him. 

In regards to phone calls... .e-mail please, about  this weekend, e-mail please.  You get the e-mail, reply politly. 

Hi exBPDh,

In regards to your request to attend this weekend below, No, we are now separated this is not an option. 

Regards,


momtara. 

document document document. 

If he wants to call you cant stop him however you can listen, document the call and ask for it to be via e-mail, he will eventually learn. 

About the legal debits, it is something we all understand :*(. 

Regards,


AJJ. 

[momtara]

Thanks. All good points.

Any time anyone takes time to respond to my messages, I really appreciate it. Thank you, Aussie, and thanks to the rest of you, of course. I'm sure I'll be back soon with a new problem. (He just informed me that he is 'terminating' our PC, but he can't really do that. Always something... .)