When does the missing stop?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've not heard anything for seven months.  Have been very strong and resisted all temptation to check in. I'm doing really well and can truly say I'm happy now.  New house, new boyfriend, new social life etc etc but sometimes I miss him like a punch in the stomach (it's a purer feeling than the initial withdrawal sensation) We were friends for a long time before we got in a relationship so I don't feel like all of it was unreal.  I'm surrounded by great people but I can't believe I miss him this much. I've no intention of contacting him

[merlin4926]

I've not heard anything for seven months.  Have been very strong and resisted all temptation to check in. I'm doing really well and can truly say I'm happy now.  New house, new boyfriend, new social life etc etc but sometimes I miss him like a punch in the stomach (it's a purer feeling than the initial withdrawal sensation) We were friends for a long time before we got in a relationship so I don't feel like all of it was unreal.  I'm surrounded by great people but I can't believe I miss him this much. I've no intention of contacting him

[cosmonaut]

For me, the missing hasn't really stopped, but I've gotten used to it.  Accepted it.  This is reality.  This is life.  I think it's ok to miss someone that was once very special to us.  It's a very real loss.  We don't ever really stop missing a loved one who died, right?  Perhaps it's ok to miss someone who we loved and is now gone from our lives.

So long as you are doing well, and you feel that you are making progress, I might accept it as natural.  I'm really happy that you have found new love and are doing so well.  That's wonderful news.   

[leftconfused]

This makes me sad to hear.  I hope to one day not miss my exbf so much, but to be honest, I've never felt this way about anyone ever before.  And I am 40 yrs old and was married 18 years.  I don't miss any of my exbf's at this point but I have never had one like this.  That said, I am happy you have moved on and have a new man in your life.  Hopefully at some point the missing will fade as you build a new life with the new guy.  Best of luck to you!

[valet]

It's been a little over 3 months for me and I really don't miss my ex.

In fact, I think I stopped missing her after about the second week.

She really was not her own personal at all. It felt like I couldn't even describe her even while I was in the relationship, most of the time.

[myself]

It's been a year and a half, I loved her and still miss her. Or miss who she was sometimes, although I'm not sure if that was the real her or not. I miss the things we said would happen that didn't (getting married, being friends for life, etc.), but that's kind of like a dream that's long since faded. I'm still grieving the loss, and appreciating the gains, and definitely NOT missing the push and pull, pain, and projections that got so heavy it split us up.

[merlin4926]

thanks everyone appreciate the support xxx

[zundertowz]

It's been a little over 3 months for me and I really don't miss my ex.

In fact, I think I stopped missing her after about the second week.

She really was not her own personal at all. It felt like I couldn't even describe her even while I was in the relationship, most of the time.

I feel the same way... .my ex was not her own person either... .she had very little to no hobies or interests... .i feel more damaged and missing the feeling of family I deluted myself that we had with her and her two kids... .but her as a person didnt really offer and add much besides being pretty and hypersexual.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

For me, the missing hasn't really stopped, but I've gotten used to it.  Accepted it.  This is reality.  This is life.  I think it's ok to miss someone that was once very special to us.  It's a very real loss.  We don't ever really stop missing a loved one who died, right?  Perhaps it's ok to miss someone who we loved and is now gone from our lives.

So long as you are doing well, and you feel that you are making progress, I might accept it as natural.  I'm really happy that you have found new love and are doing so well.  That's wonderful news.   

Not to hijack this thread... .congrats on the progress merlin; but if we could potentially miss them forever, how do we move on cosmo? I think I'm making progress in some things but the thought of being interested in anyone else makes me cringe. I miss my ex and she's the only person I can picture anything with. I'm 8 months out and that pain isn't subsiding. How do I actually start letting her go and 'move on"?

[FannyB]

Merlin

It's fine to miss them. It's fine to think favourably about the wonderful times you had. It's not fine, however, to think of the person separate from the disorder. They come as a package - bit like when you date someone with kids. The only way you can get the 'perfect' them back is if you had a time machine, and I don't think they've been invented yet!  They get into us soo deeply that it takes a very long time to fully extricate them from the centre of our being. Be kind to yourself and take pride in the progress you're making - even if it's only baby steps, you're still going forward. It's hard because you loved them so much - and you should take solace from that as it shows how 'normal', decent and loving you are! 

[Trog]

When you accept they are I'll

When you accept you are not responsible for their actions

When you do the work to understand why you, in particular you, ignored 1 & 2, what is it about you that allowed this situation to develop when everyone around you and that sane little voice in your head said 'nah, I'll be different'.

For me, it's taking action and focussing on myself. I'll never understand what motivates my ex to get herself into these life-defeating situations. It's none of my business and if I make it my business i will get hurt.

Putting yourself first & learning about co-dependency

[going places]

When does the missing stop?


For me?

When I looked at what the marriage REALLY was... .

When I looked at my ex, and saw who he REALLY is... .

When I look into my kids eyes, and see the pain they feel inside... .

When I realized I DO have worth, I AM an amazing person, I WAS an amazing wife, I AM an amazing mother, I HAVE gifts and talents... .

That's when I stopped 'missing' the habit.

I was with my ex for 25 years.

That's a lot of 'habit forming' and 'programming' to undo.

That took some time.

Every time I would have some 'false' sentimental feeling or thought, every time fear would creep in, or when the pain of what he did overwhelmed, I would climb out of that pit of misery using the 'step stones of truth'.

I would tell myself the truth.

When I would 'miss the good times' I would remind myself: No, it just 'looked like' a good time, it was a lie.

I had to be very honest with myself so that my 'feelings' did not deceive me.

The time line will differ for every one... .but the more determined you are, the shorter the amount of time it will take to purge yourself of all false thoughts and feelings.

[Fr4nz]

When does the missing stop?


For me?

When I looked at what the marriage REALLY was... .

When I looked at my ex, and saw who he REALLY is... .

When I look into my kids eyes, and see the pain they feel inside... .

When I realized I DO have worth, I AM an amazing person, I WAS an amazing wife, I AM an amazing mother, I HAVE gifts and talents... .

That's when I stopped 'missing' the habit.

I was with my ex for 25 years.

That's a lot of 'habit forming' and 'programming' to undo.

That took some time.

Every time I would have some 'false' sentimental feeling or thought, every time fear would creep in, or when the pain of what he did overwhelmed, I would climb out of that pit of misery using the 'step stones of truth'.

I would tell myself the truth.

When I would 'miss the good times' I would remind myself: No, it just 'looked like' a good time, it was a lie.

I had to be very honest with myself so that my 'feelings' did not deceive me.

The time line will differ for every one... .but the more determined you are, the shorter the amount of time it will take to purge yourself of all false thoughts and feelings.

Isn't saying that brutal "it was a lie" a little bit of splitting black?

I think it's more sane to accept there were beautiful moments... .and the odd, perhaps terrible behaviours caused by the illness, isn't it?

[sbr1050]

Saying and accepting that it was a lie is what devastates me the most... .

[going places]

When does the missing stop?


For me?

When I looked at what the marriage REALLY was... .

When I looked at my ex, and saw who he REALLY is... .

When I look into my kids eyes, and see the pain they feel inside... .

When I realized I DO have worth, I AM an amazing person, I WAS an amazing wife, I AM an amazing mother, I HAVE gifts and talents... .

That's when I stopped 'missing' the habit.

I was with my ex for 25 years.

That's a lot of 'habit forming' and 'programming' to undo.

That took some time.

Every time I would have some 'false' sentimental feeling or thought, every time fear would creep in, or when the pain of what he did overwhelmed, I would climb out of that pit of misery using the 'step stones of truth'.

I would tell myself the truth.

When I would 'miss the good times' I would remind myself: No, it just 'looked like' a good time, it was a lie.

I had to be very honest with myself so that my 'feelings' did not deceive me.

The time line will differ for every one... .but the more determined you are, the shorter the amount of time it will take to purge yourself of all false thoughts and feelings.

Isn't saying that brutal "it was a lie" a little bit of splitting black?

Not at all.

It was a lie. That is the truth... .

Example of an event; trust me there are thousands just like it:

My ex never bought me anything unless the calendar told him to (b-day, mothers day, etc)

One day out of the blue, he bought me earrings!

We were standing in the drive way, and he handed me a little box and it had 2 pairs of earrings... .

Just out of the blue, no holiday.

I gave him a huge hug, thanked him, told him I loved him... .

He hugged me, told me he loved me, and that when he saw them, he thought of me.

1 week later I find out he's been having an affair for the 8 months prior.

With a hoe he worked with.

Who sold 'jewelery'.

He told me later, that he only bought me the earrings so that he could justify spending time with her (didn't want the whole office to know he was having an affair with her). And gave him opportunity to be at her desk.

Yeah.

Again, thousands of examples. Just like that.

So when I look back to the "awwwwww he bought me earrings, and I remember how wonderful that hug felt, bla bla bla"... .it was a lie.

It was an abusive monster, manipulating me.

My situation was with someone who is more of a ASPD/NPD/Cluster B, abusive monster.

[cosmonaut]

Not to hijack this thread... .congrats on the progress merlin; but if we could potentially miss them forever, how do we move on cosmo? I think I'm making progress in some things but the thought of being interested in anyone else makes me cringe. I miss my ex and she's the only person I can picture anything with. I'm 8 months out and that pain isn't subsiding. How do I actually start letting her go and 'move on"?

That's a really good question, AoC.  As I see it, the way is acceptance.  And acceptance requires grieving.  It's actually similar in many ways to how we deal with the death of a loved one.  We enter a period of grief and ultimately we seek to exit it by accepting that our loved one is gone.  If we are religious, we hope that we may be reunited with them again, but we still accept that they are gone from our life for now.  We still miss them, however.  We still think of them.  Perhaps that lessens over time, but it's still there.  Certain occasions (birthdays, holidays, etc.) may bring the missing out more acutely.   I think that our breakups may follow a similar pattern.  We can accept that our loved one has left and they will not return (maybe we won't even let them return), but we can still miss them.  The key is acceptance.

It's been over a year since my ex left me.  I have to say that it was about an entire year before I really started to let go in a meaningful way.  I do still love her.  I miss her.  I think of her.  But I don't hope she will be coming back anymore.  I don't imagine that I could fix things if she did.  I've had to accept that she has a serious mental illness.  It's not her fault.  I have tremendous sympathy for her.  But she's not capable of a sustained relationship.  She can't do it.  And I am doing myself harm if I continue to believe that she can.  So, the goal is acceptance.  It's hard - maybe the hardest thing I've ever done.  And it's not a task that is finished for me yet either.  But I can tell I'm getting there.  You will too.   I felt much like you did at 8 months - like things were never going to get better.  And that's part of the acceptance - realizing that things are never going to get better with the relationship.  You are grieving that loss.  It takes time, and it's hard going.  But it's worth it.  Keep going, AoC.  You will get there.  You will.

[valet]

I feel the same way... .my ex was not her own person either... .she had very little to no hobies or interests... .i feel more damaged and missing the feeling of family I deluted myself that we had with her and her two kids... .but her as a person didnt really offer and add much besides being pretty and hypersexual.

I understand this completely.

My ex was super sexual when we first met, but I think that a lot of it was only to conform and appease my own desires. Like 1.5 years into the relationship she just completely cut me out of that part of her life. She didn't have any explanation for it. She would just tell me that she had no interest in sex, and that she couldn't understand why. She still found me attractive, it was just as if something in her brain went missing. Honestly, and maybe I am denial about this, I don't think that she ever lied to me. That was truly how she reacted, and although irrational and strange, I doubt that she ever overtly lied to me.

I think that this was my part in the dance. When we met, my sex drive was unusually high, and it might have just been because she was very attractive and that I never really 'fell' for her when we first met like I did for other girls that I've been with. That fact alone is probably responsible for the triggering of her abandonment fears. Of course, I grew to love her intensely and passionately in ways that I think we are all familiar with. It wasn't all about sex, but that was a big piece of what got me hooked in the first couple of months.

I don't mean to limit my response to your post to just that one thing, but it's something that I think has gone unresolved in my own self-conscious. You might have just illuminated a major piece of the puzzle for me.

Thanks!

[UserName69]

Don't let him affect your life. You have started a new start as you stated. Go and enjoy your life with your new boyfriend. You really should try and enjoy every single moment with your new boyfriend. Believe me your ex ain't worth it, and he probably doesn't even deserve you. By the time you have a family (kids etc.) he still will be in the same messed up situation. So why still keeping thinking about him? Just think of all the bad stuff he did to you, compare him to your new boyfriend and realize how better your new lover iws compared to your ex. Thats what I did and I don't miss her at all, in fact I hate her so much that the hate motivated me to be a good partner to my current girlfriend!

[Sandman1881]

I've not posted anything substantial in a while now. At one point, I started to rage at members here and thought it best to simmer down a while. Your post, thank you, has given me the strength and courage to now do so.

I appreciate the nudge on my path through the drudge.


Today is Seven months to the day and, although the frequency of the pain of the knife blade being stabbed through my back and then twisted through to my heart has significantly subsided, the 'reach' of the indescribable agony of what I and we together have encountered and is in fact as infinitely deep, if not even deeper than ever. Sometimes I wonder if it hurts more now that some time has passed without any contact. No app to measure heartache and longing.

Without over complicating the matter, it still hurts like holy hell. I broke down about three weeks ago, after 6 months of silence, blocked my cell number and called her about 40 times in a row.

I know I'm BPD (I believe I am 8 of 9). I know my exgf is BPD as well.

At first it was her voice mail recording; I haven't heard her voice (except voice mails of her calling that I saved and played through a few too many times) in just as long. Needless to say I was intoxicated and i was driving recklessly. I then drove up to her front door and stopped the car for about 7 long seconds just stare at what was my, our, her front door. I quickly drove away.

One of the final times I called, she answered. I couldn't speak. I could only mutter a few words of whisper "It's me -or."

I can't remember who hung up first, but I called back a few more times and she did not answer. There was no background voice or noise, so I believe she was alone.

I miss her so much people. She hates me, and I miss her as much if not even more now.

I'm afraid that I will never love another that way again.

I wound up recycling with another exgf that I believe is BPD/NPD. But of course, I thought, believed, she was healthy. I even posted about it

here. Needless to say she was still up to her old tricks and I dysregulated into a black hole.

I have had a lot of time to myself. And although I'm dying for some body heat, being alone and learning & discovering the real man inside has been a truly remarkable experience for me, and others. I'm still crazy as sh*t. But I'm not living in denial so much anymore.

I have been able to manage through a long, cold and lonely winter. I was homeless for a tic and was just fired from another job on Thursday.

Borderline Rules!

Just joking folks. But I am starting to believe there is real hope and progress for those that suffer from BPD, become aware,

and work each and every day towards understanding ones self and other humans as well.

Best to you all and thank you again for your post.

[going places]

Saying and accepting that it was a lie is what devastates me the most... .

Don't let it devastate you.

Accept it, and move on. Don't get stuck there.

it's one of the crappiest things a human can do (lie) but don't let it destroy you.

Use it as a learning tool, so that you don't get fooled again!

[nickoftime]

I want to offer some encouragement from my experience that missing the ex does stop and you can get over them.  But so much depends on our own issues of self esteem and co-dependency and variables such as the length of the relationship.

I'm 7 months out since the breakup.  My healing started rapidly progressing in month four.  When I greet people now and they ask how I am I say I feel great.  I have not been able to say that in the longest time.  For the past month I have absolute freedom from the mental lock the BPD BU had on me.  I don't think about my ex and wonder if we'll ever talk again.  I'm not hurt by his ST treatment anymore.  I don't feel discarded.  I can go on and on but the single word to describe what I feel is freedom.

Two issues we get stuck on is the bargaining stage and our self esteem.  Wanting the ex to reach out we are still bargaining.  What got me out of the bargaining stage may not be right for others.  For me I broke NC.  But the key here was my expectation from breaking NC.   I expected no response and I knew I'd be OK with that. So after ST of four months I sent a non confrontational and dignified text just saying "Hey thinking about you. Hope you're good.  Be nice to talk".   As expected no response.  For me that closed this chapter in my life.  I put a period and moved on.  All my magical thinking of him and the relationship just naturally stopped and the daydreaming of us talking one day just waned down and faded. 

And I don't want him to reach out.  I'm not mad or hurt and I can handle talking to him.  But there's nothing to talk about anymore.  I don't need to have a conversation about why he abruptly ended it and discarded me and gave me the silent treatment.   I couldn't say that a couple months ago but I'm so surprised I can now.  I don't need that conversation!

I didn't know breaking NC was the key that I needed.  I don't know what the answer is for you. I just want to give encouragement that there is full recovery and happiness to be found after these horrible endings.  Good luck!

[merlin4926]

Thanks nickoftime I have considered texting even though I wouldn't expect an answer but feel that's giving him some of my power. I am worried though that he will try and contact me out of the blue and that fear is kind of keeping me stuck

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Not to hijack this thread... .congrats on the progress merlin; but if we could potentially miss them forever, how do we move on cosmo? I think I'm making progress in some things but the thought of being interested in anyone else makes me cringe. I miss my ex and she's the only person I can picture anything with. I'm 8 months out and that pain isn't subsiding. How do I actually start letting her go and 'move on"?

That's a really good question, AoC.  As I see it, the way is acceptance.  And acceptance requires grieving.  It's actually similar in many ways to how we deal with the death of a loved one.  We enter a period of grief and ultimately we seek to exit it by accepting that our loved one is gone.  If we are religious, we hope that we may be reunited with them again, but we still accept that they are gone from our life for now.  We still miss them, however.  We still think of them.  Perhaps that lessens over time, but it's still there.  Certain occasions (birthdays, holidays, etc.) may bring the missing out more acutely.   I think that our breakups may follow a similar pattern.  We can accept that our loved one has left and they will not return (maybe we won't even let them return), but we can still miss them.  The key is acceptance.

It's been over a year since my ex left me.  I have to say that it was about an entire year before I really started to let go in a meaningful way.  I do still love her.  I miss her.  I think of her.  But I don't hope she will be coming back anymore.  I don't imagine that I could fix things if she did.  I've had to accept that she has a serious mental illness.  It's not her fault.  I have tremendous sympathy for her.  But she's not capable of a sustained relationship.  She can't do it.  And I am doing myself harm if I continue to believe that she can.  So, the goal is acceptance.  It's hard - maybe the hardest thing I've ever done.  And it's not a task that is finished for me yet either.  But I can tell I'm getting there.  You will too.   I felt much like you did at 8 months - like things were never going to get better.  And that's part of the acceptance - realizing that things are never going to get better with the relationship.  You are grieving that loss.  It takes time, and it's hard going.  But it's worth it.  Keep going, AoC.  You will get there.  You will.

Thank you, sorry this is so late. I took some time off. I understand what you are saying. I know that I am not at the acceptance stage yet and perhaps you are right. Acceptance holds the key. I long for that, but the harshest realization is that a small part of me doesnt. There in lies the problem I assume.

[NonBPDEx]

I feel the same way... .my ex was not her own person either... .she had very little to no hobies or interests... .i feel more damaged and missing the feeling of family I deluted myself that we had with her and her two kids... .but her as a person didnt really offer and add much besides being pretty and hypersexual.

Yes, come to think of it. My ex did not have any hobbies or interests either (other than sitting on her computer into the wee hours of the morning chatting with who knows who).

But yes, I miss the feeling of 'family' and the hypersexuality also.

It has been over three months for me. The missing has gotten worse, not better. But thanks for reminding me of this.

[Sosoconfused]

I've not heard anything for seven months.  Have been very strong and resisted all temptation to check in. I'm doing really well and can truly say I'm happy now.  New house, new boyfriend, new social life etc etc but sometimes I miss him like a punch in the stomach (it's a purer feeling than the initial withdrawal sensation) We were friends for a long time before we got in a relationship so I don't feel like all of it was unreal.  I'm surrounded by great people but I can't believe I miss him this much. I've no intention of contacting him

When you realize that they are toxic and you just move on. Date more and get a hobby.

[UserName69]

You just need to move on. I got over her pretty quickly because I knew there are many other girls on this planet who can give me everything my exBPD couldn't. I have a new girlfriend and I totally don't miss my exBPD. I don't care what or how she's doing. You need to remember yourself WHY she's your ex now.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

You just need to move on. I got over her pretty quickly because I knew there are many other girls on this planet who can give me everything my exBPD couldn't. I have a new girlfriend and I totally don't miss my exBPD. I don't care what or how she's doing. You need to remember yourself WHY she's your ex now.

Saying someone needs to just move on isn't very constructive. In fact that's the hardest part. It's the journey getting to that point. Yes there are plenty of other people on the planet but if it were that cut and dry this forum wouldn't exist.