Narcissism/BPD I don't know what to do

[DyingLove]

Hi everybody, I hope I'm posting this in the right place it's totally different than what I have been posting about my situation.

This situation is totally something new that I really didn't see coming at me either. I know the red flags because of my experience with BPD, but now I'm battling something a little bit different.

In a nutshell, my son has stepdaughter. She is 13 years old, very pretty, very intelligent, and at times extremely sympathetic and empathetic and loving. She's also got some major issues, and the biggest one that I see being the most of the problems is heard disrespect. She seems to think it's okay to call my son a scumbag. My son is her stepdad and he does everything he can for her even though she is not his blood. He's been in their family for about four years now, and from what I hear this child at one time was much worse than she is. She spends most of her time with her cell phone constantly snapping Selfies of herself. Somebody put it very well to me yesterday, saying that she actually entertains herself by taking Selfies and admiring them. Isn't this a very narcissistic thing to do? Now about the disrespect. This child has no remorse nor can she be controlled or guided in the right direction when it comes to her disrespectful attitude. As much as my son cannot stand her behavior, he does tolerate it for the sake of the child's mother. The mother is another story coming up. I've walked in the house and the kid has looked at me and said what are you doing here, what time you leaving, you eat all our food, she's even told me I smell like cheese which is something I can't freak and understand. No I don't smell like cheese. The other day she walked into my son's place of business sat at the table through her feet up on the table and says I'm hungry. She nearly demanded my son to make coffee, and I told him not to do so to center out to get herself whatever she wanted. She fought him all the way. I walked into the same room with her and offered her some breakfast bars, which she pulled out a whole handful to eat without even a thank you. And then asked me if I was making coffee. I told her not for you. Which was totally honest I was not about to fulfill this child's demands. I keep my boundaries. So she came back at me with many smart remarks, and quite frankly I lost it and gave her hell. She didn't like it one bit and told me I could stop right there and she said that several times. Basically she told me to shut up. It was my mistake for losing my temper but I also have my boundaries which will not be crossed. She texted her mother everything that happened obviously in her own words and twisted way of seeing things. Later on I heard that the mother told somebody the story and worded it that I attacked the child. She is totally spoiled. Has no sense of money value. Over dresses and over acts. Rarely talks kindly about anyone whether they be younger or older than herself. My son has confronted the mother many times about how the child is brought up and obviously at this point the mother has no control either but the mother has served as the role model and this I can tell.

Now about the mother, or my son's wife. The incident I'm about to mention should say a lot of things.

So the other day my son goes fishing. I notice he likes to fish lately and basically he enjoys the peace and quiet relaxation as well as fun involved in fishing. So where he went fishing, a few friends were already down there. They were females, married, also mutual friends of his wife. Will the other day after the fishing I had spoken to one of the mutual friends that were down there. She was totally baffled but not really surprised because she knows how the wife is. So the wife shows up and goes over to my son and says I tried calling you five times why haven't you been answering my calls? I have been there and the signal for cell phones is absolutely horrible and inconsistent. She demanded to see his cell phone and I think he gave it to her which he had no calls, they did not go through but she did not believe him. She through his phone. Mind you she did all this in front of everybody that was there. She questioned him why he didn't go by worms where he normally buys them, and he said that he had some left over from previously fishing the day before, she began trying to test the fact that he should have gotten the phone calls by sending him a call right at that very moment which he did not get and also calling her sister and successfully getting through at that moment. From what I hear this is common behavior for her. Red flags up the wazoo here. My son bends over backwards to please her as well as spent time with her and do everything that she asks for. He goes out of his way buying her things and over engineering everything he does for her. Previously when I've confronted him about this he just tells me it's all about keeping the peace. But how can keeping the peace involve being devalued insulted belittled embarrassed?

I'm posting this because I just don't know what to do. I just got out of the bull crap relationship with my ex and I'm beginning to get over that and all of a sudden this stuff rises. He does not know that I know about the fishing incident. I will not give it up because it will betray confidence that I have with the mutual friend. Also I'm sure it would embarrassed the heck out of him for his dad to know that this happened. I know that he has no boundaries, honestly I don't know how he feels about that or understands about that. I know that when I talk about the problems I've had with my ex and BPD that he's kinda tired of hearing about it, but is it safe to say that little does he know that he is in it himself?

I need to hear some stuff from people because my head is starting to ruminate within his life now.

One other thing I want to mention. I found this out to be crazy crazy crazy. My son has a healthy sexual attitude. So do I and that's probably why I could understand. But his wife had complained to the mutual friends that my son has wishes that she does not wish to fulfill or participate in. The mutual friend told me that she mentioned give-and-take and finding mutual ground. The wife just told the mutual friend that she doesn't like the way she thinks. So obviously the wife wants things her way with no room for barter. Why am I mentioning this? Because my son is taking medication to lower his libido. I know damn well this was not his idea, but this woman actually is trying to control his bodily functions. That pisses me off incredibly!

Somebody please tell me something to bring me above this horrible feeling I'm getting and the embarrassment I have about my son having to be made an example of by a twisted mind. Thank you.

[thefixermom]

I feel greatly for the immense protectiveness you are experiencing for your son.  My heart goes out to you and I am grateful there has been no mention of a grandchild so far.  Let's hope that doesn't happen.  My first instinct as I read through your account of things is that as much as this troubles you (understandably) the best thing (I think) you can do is avoid putting any and all pressure on your son or his family.  In order for him to see them for how they are and to also find himself, he needs to not be under the umbrella of mother energy because you having a strong presence would likely bond him even more to his wife, especially now that she's got wind of you standing up to her daughter.  She will paint you black and start presenting things as being your fault. It will become "them against you."  Sounds like she's already done some of that.  You can actually help your son more by detaching and remaining neutrally pleasant to his disagreeable family.  :)o not let them walk on you by any means but also do not correct them in his office or his home or even in his presence and do not have a condescending or resentful tone toward them.  Let him bear the full brunt of embarrassment for their behavior.  If you step in and try to fix it for him, you will actually add to the problem and send him running to his wife more.  I know it's hard to do but it's your best move IMO to avoid being attached and thus, considered a part of, all their chaos and drama.  Your son chose this and is choosing to remain in it.  Nothing you say or do will make him quit.  He has to reach a point where he will quit on his own and your neutrality will help him do that. It sounds like her unending pressure will drive him there eventually.  The part about him taking drugs to change his libido is particularly disturbing, but again, he is the one who ultimately agreed to this.  You would be going against what he wants, see what I mean? At this time he needs to be there for whatever reason till he comes to terms with his weakness and is so miserable as to want to find a healthy existence... .at his own choosing.  THEN, you can be there for him.  But as it is right now, I'm afraid that while you are indeed seeing all the red flags and assessing things correctly,  you are also getting a little too involved.   I would respect his wishes and not talk about your ex and BPD. What I would do is set an example of what healthy living looks like and demonstrate the peace and freedom and confidence gained by getting well again.  This will get his attention without you saying a single word about his wife and stepdaughter. Give him space to think and don't make him choose between your opinion and his wife's opinion.  It may take some time for him to come around to what is best for his life but you will come out smelling like a rose if you refrain from being what I have been for too many years, the "fixer" mom.

[DyingLove]

Thank you Thefixermom. DAMN!  That kinda summed it all up very well. Hands down and PERIOD.  I will totally butt out.  I'm scared for him in a sense, he's only 39, but you are right.  I had to find out for myself and so will he.  They can't have kids, they tried that invetro stuff and it didn't work. Maybe for the better.  It killed his heart, but maybe he'll never know how good the result is in the long run. Thank you.  You kinda quickly put duct tape on my problem and I'm THANKFUL! <3