Hello AVR1962,
I'm glad that you are reaching out for help with this situation. I'm sorry to learn that huge rifts have once more occurred in your family.
Do I understand correctly that the truth of what happened is that BPD daughter and her step brothers were engaging sexually as children? How old were each of them at the time?
Did both daughters tell you they were being abused by both brothers and now your daughter with BPD is denying it was abuse? What does your other daughter say?
Sorry for so many questions, I want to have as much clarity as is possible before I offer any advice or comments.
I look forward to your reply.
lbj
When middle daughter was 19 and getting ready to leave home she told me that she had been molested by one of the step brothers. Their incident was when daughter was 11 and boy was 13. He would entice her into a game to get her clothes off and touch her. She told me that she was not sure but she wondered if her older sister had been thru the same with the older boy so I asked. My oldest daughter went into hiding sort of, she claimed up, wouldn't talk. 3 months went by and I called and asked how it happened and she poured out her guts. She claimed it started young with touching on the leg, we are talking 7 & 8. By the time the kids were 9 & 10 she told me they had sex for the first time.
At the point I am being told this by my daughters 9 years has past since it all stopped so while they have had time to process it, this was all new to me and I will tell you I was not doing well. I was utterly shocked beyond belief.
Oldest had ran away from home when she was 10. Police picked her up and I was given this story that her Gma from her dad's side of the family said I tried to kill her and she felt I didn't care about her. I thought she was making this up but then again my ex was pulling alot of stunts like this so I called my exmom-in-law and she told she did tell my daughter this. What? This was a total lie told to my daughter to get her to hate me by my ex and I could not believe my MIL was participating in this. Daughter went into counseling and it was then that counselor told me that she felt daughter had been sexually abused so there was many conversations when she was 10. We talked about telling me, talked about appropriate and inappropriate touching. I was dating husband at the time so I asked him also to talk to his sons. Looking back this was my first clue but I thought I had handled the situation that was presented.
I did see the oldest boy had interest in what adults do. Many times I would here something outside our bedroom door and I would open it to find the oldest by listening at the door. He was 8-10 years old during this time. His dad, my husband, had been into porn before I arrived and would leave porn mags down where they would be easily available to the boys which I changed once I was in the picture... .they were taken completely out of the house.
So my daughter was 24 when she told me what had happened. She said the abuse went on for 5 years, from the time she was 10 til the time she was 15. She told me that her step brother would come into her room at various times in the early morning, night after night until she would give in. She told me she tried to get him away from her but he wouldn't leave her alone. I asked her if this was play that turned into something more and she said it wasn't. I asked her how they figured out how to have sex at the age of 9 & 10 (I didn't know it was possible). She told me she thought her step brother was playing a game, that he had made this stuff up. She told me the first time it happened he told her that he wanted to be inside her. She said she finally had to get it started, felt like if she came to me that it would split the family so she went to a male friend and he threatened to beat the brother til he couldn't stand if he didn't stop and I guess it stopped.
I recalled when they were 13 and 14 that they went thru a time when she was trying to get him to leave her alone. He was wanting to tag with her friends, wanting her friends to be his friends. He was a rather loner type and was made fun of a great deal so he kind of hi under my daughter's wing with her friendships. I did address this with him and let him know that he had to find his own friends.
I questioned both girls separately and double crossed my questioning trying to make sure of what was going on and never did either girl say anything differently to make me believe this was not true. After I felt sure of what had happened from the girl's point of view I then contacted the oldest boy by email. I told him what my daughter had told me and wanted to know his side of it. He replied and told me that he would not talk about this on the phone or thru email. He then moved out of the place he was living, told his brother not to give us his contact information and would not reply to anymore emails.
My husband asked the younger boy and he denied everything but apologized in the case it had happened. The two younger kids, now 29 & 31, have not spoke to each other since.
Two years went by, lot of turmoil with family, split the family in two. I of course was not doing well. I was angry at the boys, felt tremendous amounts of guilt. Husband would not try to find his son. The reactions for the boys, the reactions of my inlaws and the reaction of the boys' bio mom made my anger even more intense and I wanted justice for my daughters. We were told that we were lying but I knew the girls were not.
I finally found where stepson worked which was only 2 hours from us and husband would not try to contact him. This is two years into the situation and my husband's mother had been in a nursing home (for 2 years). I knew she was going to pass, the family had been told but no one knew how soon. I knew there was a chance that the boys might come to the funeral and I was hoping my husband's dad (this was how desperate I was for justice and truth) would talk to the boys, something I felt my husband should have been doing. So I told my father-in-law the reason I had not been attending functions was because my daughters had been abused by the boys. I agave no details. Unfortunately his wife passed that day so my timing totally stunk and I felt terrible, the family was furious and they had a right to be.
The oldest boy did go to the funeral and while family was together during all the proceedings father-in-law did ask stepson about the abuse and he admitted. He said that it did happen, he knew it was wrong but he could not stop himself. Then he told him that my daughter had started it. At this point my inlaws took all focus off the boy and put all the blame on my daughter. We were all in town, husband called to tell me what had happened and my oldest became furious and told my husband that she was leaving the house right then and she would be in there in a few minutes, she wanted to talk.
She told me that they had agreed to disagree about how it had started and they each blamed the other which I took to mean that neither of them really knew exactly how it started? I found the admission as a relief but the family felt my daughter was to blame and of course I felt stepsons were to blame.
Years passed by, I have never seen or spoke to the oldest boy since, this is now 10 years later. Oldest boy is now 33, and getting married. In the 10 years since all this I have remained an outcast to my inlaws and I have hard feelings towards them as well. I do not attend family functions. My father-in-law has visited and I have been fine with that. Stepson has not had contact with his youngest half sister, our only child (18), doesn't contact his dad on special occasions and only replies to husband's emails occasionally. Stepson emailed his dad to let him know that he would like him and our daughter to attend the wedding but told him that for everyone concerned it would be best if I did not attend. I knew he was getting married. I was told about the engagement shortly after it happened and I had no intentions of going. Two days after the email invitations came separately in the mail for my daughter and for my husband. This didn't set well with me. Here this kid had not had contact with his sister or his dad yet he thought it was perfectly fine to try and divide our small little family unit? Did he think that my daughter felt for me like he felt for me?
The recent events ripped the bandage off the old wound and what was lying underneath was now exposed once again. So I asked my oldest daughter (we have not spoke about this in years) if looking back now would she say that maybe this all in the beginning with her step brother was mutual and then became something she wanted to stop? She wrote me back and told me that she had just spoke to her step brother and they decided they would no longer speak on the subject and I have not heard from her since.
