I am an ACOA

[Tay25]

I was reading about ACOA's (Adult Children of Alcoholics)the other day, trying to learn more about myself and realized how similar a lot of the core wounds are to a pwBPD. This also applies to anyone who was in a dysfunctional family, not just ACOA's.

Some similarities I have noticed:

Difficulty with intimate relationships:

- learned to be independent: difficult to allow myself to look to others for emotional attachment or fulfillment of needs

- nothing to base a loving relationship off of: parents were frequently fighting

- desire closeness/intimacy but reluctant due to fear of rejection and abandonment

Low self-esteem

feelings of:

- I was not good enough to get the love I needed from my parents

- I was an inconvenience for my parents since their needs mattered more than mine

Codependency

- people pleasing behaviours learned from having to please alcoholic parent

- caretaker from comforting my non-alcaholic parent

Control issues

- fear of not having control over a situation because I fear anger and any kind of conflict

- very hyper-vigilant in analyzing environment for potential dangers

Fear of abandonment

- fear if I let people get close to me they will reject/abandon me

- hard to let people get close to me because of fear of rejection

Loss of identity

- my identity is that of a caretaker, I became a person who cared for my parents

- I learned that my self worth came from what I can offer/do for others

Deep feelings of guilt and shame

- shame for not being worthy of parents love and not being able to have my needs met

- immense guilt from not saving alcaholic parent, feel as if I save someone else that guilt will be gone, meaning that I unconsciously recreate relationships from my childhood

[Achaya]

I am an ACOA and I have all the things you list above. I have known since I was young that my family wasn't healthy, and that I was very messed up because of it. I have an accepting attitude towards other people who were damaged by their dysfunctional families. (Too accepting). And not only am I too tolerant of abnormal behavior in other people, I now know that I have been assuming that if they experienced similar relational traumas they hurt in sort of the same ways I do. I acted on those assumptions and they turned out to be not true.

It has turned out that I need to be more discerning about the differences between how I have handled the adverse events I experienced as a child and how some others have handled similar traumas. The fact that they may identify with me and accept me as a fellow survivor of a substance abusing family doesn't mean they are capable of empathy in a friendship or love relationship. It doesn't mean that they want the same things from their relationships that I want. A lot of people who have codependency issues are basically strong, stable people who have not learned how to protect themselves, to love themselves, or how to go after what will make them happy instead of what is familiar. I am one of those, and I need to learn how to relate to people who are as strong as I am, and as giving.

[JRT]

My b/u happened from out of nowhere... .I was informed via text when I was out of town... .wee never fought and she had just moved in which made it all the more mysterious and hurtful. I went digging to figure out what had happened afterwards. I first arrived at she being and ACOA (which she certainly is) but many of m questions were not answered. I continued to dig and found myself here; she is definitely a pwBPD as well... .the two seem to overlap as you note.

[going places]

I too, am an ACOA.

Difficulty with intimate relationships:

- learned to be independent: difficult to allow myself to look to others for emotional attachment or fulfillment of needs

- nothing to base a loving relationship off of: parents were frequently fighting

- desire closeness/intimacy but reluctant due to fear of rejection and abandonment

I bolded what applied to me.

Yes, I was independent... .then I gave 100% of me to my exh and children... .

I swore things would be 100% different for my kids... .and it was! And it was good.

Even after what the ex put me thru, I look forward (in the future) to being in a healthy, loving relationship. One with depth, closeness, and intimacy.

Low self-esteem

feelings of:

- I was not good enough to get the love I needed from my parents

- I was an inconvenience for my parents since their needs mattered more than mine

Unfortunately, my exh was a lot like my mom; nothing was ever 'good enough', etc.

Didn't realize this until I had some pretty intense counseling with an advocate... .

Once I realized WHAT was going on, then I could educate myself.

Moving forward, I KNOW my worth... .I KNOW I am Loved. It is well, with my soul!

Codependency

- people pleasing behaviours learned from having to please alcoholic parent

- caretaker from comforting my non-alcaholic parent

I did neither of these. I was quite opposite.

Control issues

- fear of not having control over a situation because I fear anger and any kind of conflict

- very hyper-vigilant in analyzing environment for potential dangers

Control FREAK party of one... .

This is one of the HARDEST habits to break.

The 2 mentioned above were in hyper high gear after 8/11 (onset of PTSD) but are manageable today.

It is difficult, but I am learning, everytime I stop; pray, and put my Trust in God... .things work out the way they are supposed to work out AND stressing and controling wouldn't have changed a thing.

Fear of abandonment

- fear if I let people get close to me they will reject/abandon me

- hard to let people get close to me because of fear of rejection

Neither one of these are really an issue... .maybe because I have the mindset "people will do what people will do" I don't have the fear of abandonment. I used to have nightmares of growing old, alone... .but after what I have been thru, I know the Truth, and I will never be 'alone'. That is comforting!

Loss of identity

- my identity is that of a caretaker, I became a person who cared for my parents

- I learned that my self worth came from what I can offer/do for others

I became _____'s wife and ______'s mother.

I even lost my 'name'.

I raised 3 amazing kids, and essentially 'raised' my ex (who never matured past age 13)

Yes, my 'opinion' of my self worth came from what I could 'give'... .and I gave until I was bone dry, then gave more.

Deep feelings of guilt and shame

- shame for not being worthy of parents love and not being able to have my needs met

- immense guilt from not saving alcaholic parent, feel as if I save someone else that guilt will be gone, meaning that I unconsciously recreate relationships from my childhood

I was the 'family' scapegoat, so I was used to the shame and guilt.

Again, I have learned SO MUCH in the last 3 years; from the books I have read (college text books on Psychology, Abnormal Psychology, Childhood Trauma, etc the time I have spent with an advocate one on one and in group, and Scripture / Prayer.

I am so ready to being truly living a healthy life!

[Tay25]

A lot of people who have codependency issues are basically strong, stable people who have not learned how to protect themselves, to love themselves, or how to go after what will make them happy instead of what is familiar.

Those are some very wise words, I am also one of those people however I know in time I can learn to cherish myself and not let others treat me badly.

Going places, I am sorry to hear you were a scapegoat. I can truly understand how horrible that experience can be as my sister played the same role. I am glad to hear that you have made so much progress in your healing and I really hope someday you do get that healthy relationship you deserve.

Another question for you all, do you think that these similarities are why you were attracted to your ex and why you stayed around?

I feel these traits/characteristics are truly why I was so attracted to my exBPD, I felt we had a lot in common and in reality we both had a "child" inside us. Even with her abusive behaviors I couldn't let her go because she was the first person I could really relate to, sad to think how damaged I must be to say that.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Tay25,

My mother is ACOA and I suspect that is part of what attracted me to my BPDxW.  I suspect that i subconsciously recreated my parents' marriage, to some extent, in my marriage to a pwBPD.  The dynamic feels so familiar on a core level that one is drawn to it, even though unhealthy.  Now that I recognize the patterns, however, I am in a position to make different choices, such as leaving my BPDxW.  It's been hard, no doubt, but it's also been a path towards personal freedom.

LuckyJim

[going places]

Another question for you all, do you think that these similarities are why you were attracted to your ex and why you stayed around?

This is so messed up... .

My ex, is my mom.

Unpleaseable, nothing is ever enough.

Constantly seeking his love and affection, longing for tenderness and concern.

Never getting it.

Which is SO messed up because I left home when I was 17 to GET AWAY from her.

I stayed because I believed saying "I do" meant forever.

I stayed, because we have children, and I know divorce hurts kids.

I stayed because I (until 2011) thought "he was good to me" because he provided a roof over my head.

I loved him for years... .years and years... .but once I learned what he was doing, how he was doing it, and why he was doing it, that is when I started cutting the strings that held us together... .

Never again will I accept abuse and neglect as 'normal'.

At any rate... .I can see what the hades is going on now. It's just messed up.

It's also amazing how much the human brain and soul is impressed in the first 6 years of life... .

Almost 3 years ago, I watched my youngest daughter (then 19) get involved w/ a boy that was like her father... .and she was acting like me (a fool). Her and I would get into BLOOD curdling fights about him.

Over and over and over, I told her ":)O NOT MAKE THE MISTAKES I HAVE MADE"... .those are called learning tools.

You learn, from my mistakes, you do not repeat them.

This 'relationship' ran it's course... .he over and over showed his true colors.

She met a new young man... .who is amazing... .who treats her like a lady, and this young man has his head on straight.

She sat down with me and said "I see what you meant when you said ________ was not good for me"

Phew... .she gets it!

So I guess me going thru, what I went thru, did have some 'good' to it?

At least my daughters will not be in a relationship (romantic, business, or friendship) with a messed up person!

[whitebackatcha]

This is hard to read. I hate being a category in a book like this. It is disturbing to me that it is all so easily explained like this. It's sad.

[going places]

This is hard to read. I hate being a category in a book like this. It is disturbing to me that it is all so easily explained like this. It's sad.

I agree.

I look at it like this: If you let the oil run dry in your car, a chain of events will occur before the car breaks completely.

There are 'signs' and 'noises' and 'smells' that will give you clues something is wrong, and you can fix it before you seize the engine.

I am so thankful for the explanation. At least I know what was the root cause, and how to correct my course of action.

Otherwise, I might still be in a horrible situation.

[bravhart1]

It's sad and maddening. I also feel very disturbed by the fact that it continues to get repeated over and over in family's generationally continuing without end.

[joeramabeme]

It's sad and maddening. I also feel very disturbed by the fact that it continues to get repeated over and over in family's generationally continuing without end.

I too am an ACOA and was having a very similar conversation with a friend tonight about how our childhood experiences imprinted these indelible patterns on our behaviors and beings. 

I have a sobering question, can we really ever break this pattern? 

This is my DNA, I would not be me if I had different DNA and even if the DNA could be changed, I don't have the knowledge of what to change it to because I have never been anything but me and I would likely be unwilling to be anything than what I am.

As I am now in my 50's and have worked on all of this since my early 20's I believe this is my lot in life.  My behaviors and responses can be modified but not fundamentally changed.  For what it is worth, I am also a member of the original 12 step fellowship.  I got a lot of imprints as a kid.  Imprints that I swore I would never copy.

My BPD marriage of 10 years is ending.  I worked so hard through so many issues just to get to a point where I felt safe and comfortable enough to get married and at times all I feel like all I have to show for my efforts is nothing.  I know this is kind of a dark statement but it is how I feel and now in process of divorce I just don't know that any of this will matter in the end other than I tried, perhaps naively so.

[bravhart1]

I believe that yes, we can change the course of our lives, and the way we pass or don't pass our parents faults onto the next generation. I worked very hard to self actualize and to be brave enough to look at the reality of where I came from and how it caused me to make some wrong choices and correct the course.

I did not want to pass it on to my own children.

I become maybe a bit impatient or intolerant of those that won't or don't try to at least make an effort to be a better parent then they had. If each generation would be willing to see into their own families dysfunction and try to at least make the effort to correct or minimize the damage then we could eventually have a healthier future not a sicker one.

Perhaps a bit too idealistic but it's what I believe to be true for me and my family. I see how hard people work to cover it up or minimize it and I think if they would work at least that hard to fix it some change could be made.

I don't believe at any age it's too late to learn about yourself, or your future. Even at 50, you still have a lot of life ahead of you, and some influence over your immediate family. Never stop trying to grow and learn.

I now have a SD that is in my life and her mother is sick ( with BPD) and it's clear that her mom ( the grandmother) was and is just as engulfed in BPD and they are each miserable, they fight and argue constantly, and yet they each work very diligently together to try to indoctrinate SD into their BPD behaviour and thinking. They do not want SD to be healthy or grow beyond them, they only want to pull her in. I know that all this has been told to and show to BPDm and yet she lives in denial and chooses instead to keep her young daughter entrenched in her illness for her own selfish desire to own her child.

It make me very sad and I do what I can, but the truth is until BPDm is willing to stop and get help and do something different, the likelihood that her daughter at six, who is already showing signs of this behavior will grow up to be just as miserable and sick in her adult life.